Pastoral care at Private Schools- what is yours like?

[JessicaWakefieldSVH]

I have a DD at a top Independent in London. I don't want to share too much of her personal struggles, she has asked for help and not been given it a lot, we have had to organise it all ourselves, she has high functioning autism and depression.

What are your experiences of pastoral care at private schools? I have found this school, through local GP's ( plural ) has a huge problem with anxiety and mental illness. It's rife, and serious, and my DD and friends back that up. I have had two years of back and forth dialogue around that. I spoke to a lawyer about negligence it was so bad. I am pretty sure they haven't followed their own policies and my DH is now fuming after recent issues and wants to begin a complaints process.

Could I just ask other parents what their wellbeing policies are like? what kind of services your school has and what adjustments do they make for special needs etc

Thank you.

God I hate these highly academic schools that insist on 4 A Levels. They pretend to care about mental health but still put pressure on girls to achieve far more than they need to.

OP sorry to hear about your dd’s struggles. I hope things improve.

MrPickles73

Thank you, as mentioned we have already dropped the subject and just told them it was what was best, they didn’t like it but it’s done. Shes feeling much better already and sleeping well. She was not diagnosed autistic before she started, obvious signs often come later with girls, and obviously it’s something you’re born with. She didn’t have anxiety or depression until her 3rd year there. It’s not about blame but about meeting their responsibilities and following policy. I’m pretty certain they know to step it up with us now.

twosoups1972

Thank you. Yeah we just found out a couple of others also dropped the 4th subject and it was the same one! Maybe we’ll start to see changes in pastoral care in these types of schools in the coming years. Some obviously get it right as others here have got some great care at their school.

I know this is an old post BUT having followed it from the start it is still bugging me! Maybe because the OP, for all but naming the school made it easily identifiable and I don’t think it’s a fair representation of the school and maybe because a note pinned outside the school this week made me think the 2 were related.
My DD is at the same school and in the same year group and I think the OP has made a huge sweeping generalisation & this is not a fair reflection of the experience of the majority of girls there!
The school clearly states “ it is not suitable for all girls” and it isn’t, it is up to the parents to determine whether or not their child has the stamina and resilience to thrive in that environment. It is fast paced, academically challenging and whilst the girls are not amazing at everything each one excels at something.The school 100% does not place emphasis on exam grades nor does it put any pressure on students to achieve top grades. When compared with state schools that set minimum targets in order to proceed with A levels this school does not, consistently telling students to only take subjects you love irrespective of the grade you achieve at GCSE. My dd friend achieved a 4 last year in one subject and is taking it at A level.
The pastoral care is very active. No school has Cahms onsite, but there are mental health councillors on site, available to book online for an appointment the same week. I know because my own Dd wanted to speak with one and it was v straightforward and painless.
I don’t get the whole “ we are financially disadvantaged and can’t afford outside help” whilst in the same breath talks about wanting to hire lawyers!
The school is a school, not a mental health facility.
It was the OPs choice of school, having selected it after pulling out of a primary school that wasn’t doing enough for entrance exams. Her Dd took Art A level knowing the work involved from the GCSE ( actually the schools own art programme which follows the baseline of an Art foundation course and is a huge amount of work) Just perhaps in the first instance the school was not the right fit for the OPs daughter. I would hate to think other readers may be swayed away from what is a fantastic school... for the right student.

What a vile post. The OP is clearly distraught because of her DD’s MH issues and you come on here just to attack her and her DD. Disgusting behaviour.

No, not attacking her, defending the majority that she has written off as all having unsupported mental health issues

Your use of the phrase ‘for the right pupil’ is horrible. Schools should be able to support all pupils, even the ones with disabilities...

But my point is they DO provide mental health support. It is an academically very selective school which could be challenging for some pupils, it would not be suitable for all. It is an independent school hence a personal choice. To make sweeping generalisations about the school culture and the mental health of other pupils based on an individual experience is not a balanced viewpoint.

Girls schools can be absolutely appalling for pastoral care. Half the girls in my year suffered from eating disorders. Several boarders were raped while supposedly in the schools care. The school didn’t really care. So long as the girls looked good and the school came at the top of the league tables that was all that mattered to them. The headmistress even caused her own daughter severe mental problems by refusing to acknowledge that her daughter had special needs and instead insisting that she be put in the year above and forced through her exams and assessments with extra help from the teaching staff.

Oneforthepot You can’t be sure you are talking about the same school as the OP.

@howudufeel but it’s impisdivle to provide an environment that works for everyone. Different people have different needs. I liked a fast paced environment with limited supervision or input from staff. While other children need lots of contact hour and hand holding along side constant supervision and nagging. Treating pupils with different needs creates a sense of inequality but reducing the treatment to the lowest common denominator leaves more able students frustrated.

Absolute rubbish. Good schools should be able to facilitate all pupils. What you are trying to say is that these schools shouldn’t take pupils with disabilities. I find that attitude abhorrent.

Jessica

It is awful when a child is unhappy. I think you are right, given there are less than 4 terms to go, to try to see it through to the end. Give her as much nurturing as you can and perhaps a well planned gap year after, to give her a chance to decompress.

DD knew quite a lot of girls who were at the school you I assume you are talking about. There were a couple of real casualties, but similarly girls who appeared to thrive...or at least that is what they told their parents. I personally found the culture, both amongst girls and parents, quite odd. DD once described some of the ways girls she knew treated each other as toxic. Though equally Oneforthepot sums it up well from a different perspective.

Fit is really important. DD was at a nearby coed and did not have any problems but you needed to be quite robust. It was not a school for everyone. DS and then DD were at Westminster which suited them both perfectly as it was centred round learning, rather than results, and ran on boarding school lines. On the one occasion we needed help it was organised quickly. But again not for everyone. For example I understand it was not much fun if you were towards the bottom academically.

I hope you and your DD are able to hang on in there. Good luck.

@howwudyufeel. No, more that some pupils, whether disabled or not thrive in a particular kind of environment while others are stifled etc etc. It’s imposdible to have a model which fits everything. Can schools help students that don’t fit in cope-absolutely, mine did. Can a single school cater to everyone? Not really.

Can a single school cater to everyone?

Well thousands of comprehensive schools have no choice other than to try and a lot do it very successfully. Perhaps this super selective super expensive school should find out how they manage and apply their methods. Then, girls like the OP’s dd won’t be damaged by their education.

Howeudufeel- The school doesn’t damage pupils, it has support for students utilising external councillors that are in school most days, available to students face to face at the click of a mouse. School takes mental health seriously.
If you accept a place at a selective, highly academic school then you are not looking for a mainstream environment.
Schools do have a duty of care but in this instance I think the communication rather than the system may have been the problem.

The OP’s dd sounds like she has really suffered. A decent school cares for it’s pupils regardless of their ability.

I know a fair amount about schools across London and Herts and have to say that I don't recognise this school. Nothing is particularly identifying @oneforthepot.

OP I hope everything has settled down for your DD now.

It just having counsellors available is not necessarily good pastoral care.

Good pastoral care is having enough systems in place that allow teachers and staff to spot issues early and nip them in the bud. Is to structure things so that pupils are allowed time out both in and out of school.

Just because a child is very academic, it doesn't mean that they don't need nurturing, time out, caring and that they don't experience difficulties.

Of course dome young people sail through regardless but it's pot luck really, like saying your child doesn't need medical care as they never get ill....

@hwyf I’m not suggesting she isn’t upset and hurt, we all want what’s best for our kids. My point was you can’t then go on to trash a whole school system and the rest of the pupils based on your own personal situation. It would be perfectly reasonable to say, “ it’s not working for me and my situation” but you can’t claim it’s failing all it’s students.
TBH your point about how large mixed comps manage mental health raises an interesting point! I’ve no experience with mixed comps but I wonder if being in a mixed non competitive environment with broader opportunities builds greater resilience and therefore self confidence which reduces mental health issues. Maybe the drawback of small, single sexed schools aimed primarily at intellectual pursuits is that it could be stifling, whether by lack of student diversity or fear of failure etc which leads to a greater risk of mental health issues.

@travelban- the mention of outside councillors was in response to OP saying there was a waitlist for her Dd to see a specialist councillor, I think she was confusing Cahms with school counselling.

Well, I don't think it's great pastoral care to try to prevent a child from dropping a fourth A-level a little bit earlier than the school would like when there are clearly good reasons to allow them to do so and the parents strongly support the child's decision. That stinks of trying to prevent other children from making the same choice because a precedent has been set - which stinks of putting a lot of pressure on children who are not thriving as a result, but who are creaking under the strain. And a child does not know exactly what they are letting themselves in for when they choose their A-levels; they find that out when actually doing them.

Oneforthepot The pupils in comps may face other challenges to their mental health. In my home town over a quarter of children live in poverty. Some of them have to leave their school shoes at school because they are worried their parents will sell them. I don’t say that pupils at expensive schools are not at any risk of developing mental health issues. Actually whilst I don’t have any Dds in private schools I do know a few people who do and anorexia and stress seem to be massive problems. However, the challenges in mixed comps are just as prevalent, if not more so.

Hwyf, wow, yes very different set of circumstances and challenges. It’s Incredibly heartbreaking to hear of kids having to leave shoes at school. Agree, the issues at Dds school do appear to lean towards eating disorders or self harm, which isn’t uncommon in teenage girls and for which teaching staff have experience in identifying and supporting. Possibly more challenging for children on the spectrum as it becomes a very individual situation. Hopefully though generally schools do endeavour to work with parents for the best outcome for each child.

It sound like your DD had issues that were not disclosed to the school at the entry point. This is very common as parents are often keen to get their child into a specific school.

Unfortunately, there ends up a delay in setting up the right provisions.

I think it is unfair to blame the school for her mental health problems. A selective school will be realistic about how high their expectations are for individual students. Not meeting these can be due to forces outside of school, such as social media and inconsistent parenting.

Schools do not provide CAMHS - that’s the NHS and it is woefully inadequate for the volume of mental health cases.