Pastoral care at Private Schools- what is yours like?

[JessicaWakefieldSVH]

I have a DD at a top Independent in London. I don't want to share too much of her personal struggles, she has asked for help and not been given it a lot, we have had to organise it all ourselves, she has high functioning autism and depression.

What are your experiences of pastoral care at private schools? I have found this school, through local GP's ( plural ) has a huge problem with anxiety and mental illness. It's rife, and serious, and my DD and friends back that up. I have had two years of back and forth dialogue around that. I spoke to a lawyer about negligence it was so bad. I am pretty sure they haven't followed their own policies and my DH is now fuming after recent issues and wants to begin a complaints process.

Could I just ask other parents what their wellbeing policies are like? what kind of services your school has and what adjustments do they make for special needs etc

Thank you.

Ateallthechoccies

So pleased to hear that you’ve had lots of support. Thanks for your input. I agree I don’t think academic automatically means hothouse or poor pastoral care either. It certainly doesn’t have to be that way.

I have 2 different experiences. One DS is at one of the top academic boys day schools and another is at a top co-ed day school which prides itself on being less pushy.

The boy's school has a reputation of being high achieving and very alpha male, but my experience of the pastoral care has been excellent. Any issues which have arisen were dealt with reasonably and my son was supported on many different levels by different members of staff.

My other son's school has the reputation of having great pastoral care, but the experience I have had has been the opposite of this. Concerns were superficially dealt with, if at all, and they have dealt with situations which have arisen (not my son but others) in a blunt and unhelpful manner.

I do think though that a sign of great pastoral care is having systems and staff in place to manage situations before they arise, as well as being able to deal with incidents in a prompt manner.

Often these mean investing in staff and resources, which some schools deprioritise.

At a time with rocketing levels of mental health issues in young people, I feel these should be mandatory in a school.

After all even businesses have employee support, etc in place and they are there to make money.. They understand the implications of not taking these seriously...

Mominatrix

Thank you. Your post highlights the different ways schools can deal with things and that some do better than others with pastoral care. Yes I think it is the blunt unhelpful almost dismissive manner I find difficult. It also depends on the issue. They’ve been great with a girl in our year who has an eating disorder, for instance.

Travelban

Totally agree with all your points. I also think think feedback is essential to great pastoral care.

Jessica I’m so sorry to hear you are experiencing these struggles. I’m not sure where you are based but I can give a general SW London opinion from a teen counsellor (as opposed to parent) perspective if helpful.

I’ve worked in the field for 7 years in comp, grammar, and indy sectors, through placement in a GP surgery I’ve seen (predominantly but not exclusively) girls from most of the local high performing schools. In the early days I was very concerned around the levels of self harm, perfectionism and low self esteem I was seeing (largely ignored by the schools) HOWEVER, to give credit where it’s due, the top tier Indy girls schools have massively upped their game in pastoral care over the last 2 years or so. They have recognised the issue and taken steps to address it. This doesn’t mean things are perfect by any extent, but it’s on their agenda. My sense is the mid level Indy’s (co Ed as well as single sex) are still playing catch up largely because they have upped their performance bar and haven’t appreciated the ramifications.

The mental health of all our youngsters (and their parents) overall remains a big concern. My fear at present is that grammar and state schools are woefully under funded to address it and CAHMS can see only the most extreme of cases.

I’m sorry, this doesn’t really help your individual case, but I was trying to answer your original question. Every child deserves to feel safe and secure. Every school should have a pastoral and safeguarding policy. Every parent be informed how to make a complaint and get their voice heard. This doesn’t mean the school can accommodate every request but there should be a collaborative approach to finding solutions.

I hope this is a tiny bit useful, best of luck in finding an answer.

Stircrazyschoolmum

Thank you very much! It’s just useful for me to know. It is concerning that state schools and NHS just do not have the resources or funds they need to address this. I know a couple of SW area schools that are improving their pastoral care really effectively. I may just PM you if that’s ok?!

@Stircrazyschoolmum May I ask- what MH difficulties do you see in boys at these schools ( comp/ grammar/ private). Do the difficulties mirror those experienced by girls, or are they expressed in different ways? Do you think rates are similar in boys or higher/ lower?
Conversations around MH in secondary schools esp high performing often focuses on girls, I’m just wondering if it’s because parents are more concerned for their daughters, or there’s more of a problem in girls.

2 DDs at private academic secondary. Pastoral care outstanding.

Jessica you are more than welcome to PM me.

Bob. It’s hard to generalise but I would say anxiety is pretty common amongst boys - exam stress / long commutes / keeping up with peer group seem to factor. Sexuality has become increasingly prominent - there is less stigma around bi or homosexuality amongst peer group but there are fears around telling family etc. Anger Management is by far the most common school referred issue relating to boys.. then it’s about understanding what sits beneath it.

By large I’d say the ratio of girls attending counselling v boys is around 70:30. Largely because girls are generally more comfortable talking about things. Referral wise it’s 60:40 but far more boys DNA (do not attend) a big challenge is to get more male counsellors, particularly those from ethnic minority backgrounds in schools and surgeries. Engaging boys through sport and peer mentoring at local youth clubs is also effective as boys will often open up when engaged in an activity rather than in a counselling room.

I caveat all the above by saying it’s personal experience and not necessarily representative of all areas!

@Stircrazyschoolmum thanks that is a very good insight. As you may have guessed I’m a mother of boys! Not surprised they DNA more. One of Mine had issues which were worked on in primary school, mostly impulsiveness, disruptiveness which stopped short of him being recommended for ADHD diagnosis. Now at 15 those issues are still there to some degree but less marked. I have a brother who has suffered from lifelong mental illness so I am vigilant ( sometimes anxious) when it comes to my kids and like to think I’d act quickly if there were serious warning signs. I would say that a lot of the conversation on mumsnet around MH does seem to be among girls, but maybe that’s just my perception.

My dd is a boarder and I can't praise the staff enough.
Absolutely brilliant, any problems we are immediately informed.
We inform them of any problems too and work together well.
Tbh, as it's in the interest of my child at the time, we have had 3 ss referrals, and several CAMHS.
No way would we have received this care under state education.
Btw, I can assure anyone there was no need for two referrals but unexplained injury when returning to school had to be reported.
Idiot went through a spell of accidental self harm and bruising.
Pastoral care is so important and if your school isn't providing this and you are paying I'd be complaining and/or looking for somewhere more suitable.

RomanyQueen1 thank you. You are the third person to praise the pastoral care at boarding school, I have friends also impressed by theirs.

Sounds like you are having awful time, you must be so worried. All I can at is my school has an amazing pastoral care. Very small boarding independent, 260 in senior school. Deputy head pastoral, safeguarding lead, two deputies, school listener and external counselling organised and facilitated on site. The SEN department is phenomenal with amazing value added but please don’t Think the school isn’t academic. Very high achieving student very yeAr. This is a misconception that a school can’t achieve fantastic results AND treat children as individuals not a hot house for grades. I do hope you get the support you deserve

Bookworm72

What a kind message! Thank you! I am amazed at how many boarding schools are doing well with this. I think they could teach day schools a lot. It is worrying, we are all looking forward to the holidays! One thing I’m very glad of, is my DD has amazing friends who really look out for her and are incredibly intelligent and kind people. Thanks again.

Yes I have one child at boarding school and the pastoral care is truly top notch. It's only one school of course but maybe they need to focus on it more as the children have less access to parents day to day?

I would like to add a note of caution here about what happens when children with high anxiety levels go to university. Unsurprisingly, anxiety doesn't stop with A levels and these children are very vulnerable when they go to university where there are fewer "safety nets". A friend's daughter had a terrible time at a prestigious London day school, but despite that, and through her own efforts, went on to get a place at a top university. Then the wheels came off and she left within a term. She took the rest of the year out, had extensive therapy and travelled (which may have been the best thing for her as it allowed her to grow up a little and have confidence in her own ability to solve problems). She is now back at the same university and in her final year, having had a lot of support from family and the uni. I suppose what I am saying is try to build resilience and independence now, and keep a very close eye on her when she goes to uni. I feel for you, seeing your child so unhappy is a terrible thing for any parent.

Richymondo

Very sound advice, thank you. We aren’t the kind of parents that think university is the only option, so we are working on the option that’s best for her and will see how she goes with managing this and how independent she can be. Probably the last year or so she herself recognises this and that’s what therapy has been working on more specifically, her separation anxiety. She’s very keen to be independent while at the same time it’s a challenge. Thanks again, the advice is much appreciated.

I went to my dd's school yesterday. They had an annual exhibition. (I think that gives away which school it is) Basically the kids waste a whole the term for preparations for this day. Be it a performance or artwork. The missus gets chatting away with the other yummy mummies. We find out there's been loads of issues brushed aside or not tackled since the beginning of the school term . The head of junior school is fully aware of the issues. The young teachers they have remind of the stepford wives. Nothing is being addressed. We pay nearly £20k in school fees every year. Sometimes we think its a waste of money given their lack pastoral care. Sorry if this sounds jibberish. Its nearly midnight

My DS used to be in a very highly regarded private school. On paper their pastoral care was v impressive. In action it was appalling.

I have two daughters at a fairly new, small private girls' school, and the pastoral care is outstanding.

Each girl is allocated a personal tutor, who remains the same all the way through the school, with whom they meet every 2-3 weeks. The parents meet with their child's tutor at least once a term, and as often as necessary (depending on individual situations). Their personal tutor and form tutor (in fact all the staff) are always available via email/phone to parents.

The whole ethos of the school is based on the idea that parents and teachers are collaborators in the education and 'upbringing' of the girls for this stage of their lives, and the school tries to support both child and parents as much as possible, whatever their particular personal needs.

I'm not sure which year your child is in, but for the sake of her mental health, would it be a possibility to start A-levels again somewhere new, which could offer far better pastoral support?

Our school's in London, btw.

Jessica, I’m sorry to hear of your dd’s difficulties, and I can’t believe some of the previous responses.

Yes, of course parents should be involved in trying to ensure their dc are as comfortable and healthy as possible, but this needs to be in conjunction with schools. School has a huge part to play too.

I have a younger dd with ASD - she’s in year 7, so recently started secondary. At a not particularly selective girls independent school. I deliberately swerved the higher flying schools, as feared the pressure she could come under (she is bright, and gifted musically - she has a scholarship now, and could/would have done so at any potential school, which of course adds pressure in certain environments).

Her school has been utterly fantastic. She has high anxiety, and of course really struggled with starting a new school. Her form teacher has been amazing, taking time out each day to make sure dd is ok, and to check whether there are any queries or ongoing issues that need sorting out. For the whole of the first term, dd had a list of questions each day, some big, some small, most of which were outside form teachers area of expertise, but there was always an answer by the next morning at the latest.

Dd has been having some home issues, and there are a variety of options available to her. She can go and find her form teacher at any time during the day (even if form teacher is teaching a lesson), if she needs to talk. She can access the school counsellor. Dd has an older sibling with severe ASD, and can access a young carers group at school if she wishes.

There is a school mentor programme, and dd can ask to be paired with an older pupil if she would prefer to talk to someone nearer her age (and when she was really struggling initially, there were offers from older girls to help her out/be her mentor/look out for her around school).

I could not ask for anything more from her school, tbh. I am ‘lucky’ in that I knew dd needed this type of environment and so could choose accordingly, and I did disregard ‘better’ schools (ie those with more prestige) which I could have applied to, but I did not feel they would meet her needs.

I hope your dd continues to feel better now that she has dropped a subject. Easing some of the pressure must surely make a difference. And I hope she can access better support at school if she needs it - maybe the forced dropping of a subject will alert to the school that she really is struggling.

clubnirvana I totally understand how you feel.

Isitme13 thank you so much, sorry to brief reply just wanted to say thanks! Your school sound great!

My sister taught ato a top girls' school 25 years ago where there was competitive anorexia.
I went to an all girls private school myself. Girls are competitive. I have a daughter. It's something I'm mindful of.
It sounds like your daughter had known challenges before you started the school and with the last school so it's hard to completely blame the new school.
If she's 17 you're nearly at the end so wouldn't seem worth to change schools now. I would go and speak to the school. Speak to someone you get on with rather than a confrontational discussion and say look this is where we are. Explain she is doing too much and will be dropping 1 subject. They cant stop her. Give it as a fait a complit.
Do what you need to to keep your daughter happy and on an even keel. Nothing is worth risking her health for. Be firm with the school but there's no point suing them etc. It's well known high achieving London girls schools are a hot bed for mental health issues. They will deny everything.