Pastoral care at Private Schools- what is yours like?

[JessicaWakefieldSVH]

I have a DD at a top Independent in London. I don't want to share too much of her personal struggles, she has asked for help and not been given it a lot, we have had to organise it all ourselves, she has high functioning autism and depression.

What are your experiences of pastoral care at private schools? I have found this school, through local GP's ( plural ) has a huge problem with anxiety and mental illness. It's rife, and serious, and my DD and friends back that up. I have had two years of back and forth dialogue around that. I spoke to a lawyer about negligence it was so bad. I am pretty sure they haven't followed their own policies and my DH is now fuming after recent issues and wants to begin a complaints process.

Could I just ask other parents what their wellbeing policies are like? what kind of services your school has and what adjustments do they make for special needs etc

Thank you.

Did you DD join the school with pre-existing conditions, or those were developed in the school? For top selective independent schools, I found it is extremely difficult for children with SEN to pass the selective exams, although they all claim they have good SEN department.

For DS' school, they have a dedicated teach looking after children's wellbeing. You can book one to one sessions with that teach to discuss your concerns or need. But as we have never used it, I can't comment on how functioning it is.

Her autism was obviously always there but not diagnosed till after she had been there awhile. Its high functioning so she is very academically 'gifted', prob not right phrase. Its the volume that triggers anxiety and depression which did not present until GCSE year.

Thanks for your comments.

Can I presume she is at an all girls school. These, esp in London, have a reputation for poor pastoral care. It's all about the results

Doraismissing

Yes. I am actually shocked at how bad the problem is. A GP dealing with a big crisis last year with my DD actually told us her sister turned down a place for her daughter on her advice because she sees so many girls from our school with serious issues, self harm etc My DH is going to complain, escalate to Governors and if they do not do anything we are telling the DofE. I think this is unbelievably concerning. I wish I never accepted a place, I turned them down initially.

I'm so sorry to hear your DD is struggling and that the school hasn't been supportive, @JessicaWakefieldSVH. It doesn't really surprise me though.

The private girls schools seem intent on hushing it up as it is off-putting to parents. Parents are part of this conspiracy of silence as quite rightly, they don't want to call out their child's problems so as not to upset the child. (I'd be the same too).

There was a thread around this time last year where a y11 girl who had MH issues had been entered into GCSEs as an external candidate rather than pulling down the results for her top London independent school. Again, totally understandably, the parents kept quiet and made plans to move her for 6th form.

Hello. Private school or not, they should still be following the sen code of practice! Does she have a support plan in place?

I feel results driven school + good pastoral care is a very hard thing to find. They are almost incompatible for sensitive children. Unfortunately, schools need the results for league tables which equals pressure for the kids. Combine with normal teenage angst and the rise in social media and it's a disaster for a lot of children.
Unfortunately, I think it's down to the parents these days to keep reminding their children of their self worth, regardless of results which is quite hard if they are feeling the pressure from the school and know how much the schooling is costing the parents.
One of mine had very good pastoral care at a private school but it didn't stop him self harming. I blame myself for sending him somewhere where the pressure to excel was too great.
My second goes to the local secondary and he is exceeding despite (or because of) the lack of pressure to get top grades.

Derek - I think that's a great point. The pressure to succeed is worrying and it comes from all sides - parents, school, society.

Only yesterday I heard from a very bright family friend who is in year 9 girl in one of the best schools in the country. She is being tutored in 2 subjects already.. Of course the school enjoys the credit of all the top grades, the parents are happy but what cost to the child's mental health?

My son is at a private primary, their pastoral care is brilliant. They are so supportive.

Private schools will vary enormously.

I had to pull my Dd1 out of a private a ademically pushy school as she developed anxiety in year 9.Mental health issues amongst her peers were rocketing at this point, with girls cutting themselves in the toilets, making themselves sick, crying and kicking off daily.

Me and other parents talked to the school extensively pointing out that they are at crisis point but the school denied it all and was keen to brush it all under the carpet with ' its not happening/it's just teenage girls'.

I moved Dd1 to a smaller, non selective school and she is much happier although sadly all her confidence has gone and it will take a while to recover.

I would never make the mistake to send a daughter to a school like that again.. Big mistake

Ps I should point out that Dd1 is bright, sporty, musical etc so it wasn't the case of not coping with the work etc..

Thank you all for your support and kind words.

We actually were home schooling her prior to this school. She started in a state school but as she’s very bright it really wasn’t good for her. So she had a few years at a prep school but we took her out because I thought the way they were preparing them for 11+ and the enormous workload was unhealthy. Her current secondary knew this and assured me they were not results driven. What a lie! We unfortunately did not get a place at the local state school, only one option there and it is really over subscribed. So I kind of had to take the one she’s at now and they gave us a huge bursary after we initially turned them down.

Yesterday we just basically had to get a bit tough with them and I feel a bit nervous as they’ve not been exactly friendly to us. We’re not rich and I feel a bit out of my comfort zone there anyway. We told them she’s dropping one of her 4 subjects now, early, and they couldn’t do anything about it. She had been asking for months and they wouldn’t let her, I asked a month ago, still no. She has had a bad mental health crisis last year and turned out she asked them for help and they didn’t give her any. As she’s 17 she has privacy and rights now so things can be kept from us. I did speak to a lawyer about breach of contract over not following their policy re mental health etc but we didn’t want to make her life complicated. That’s how these schools get away with it I guess.

She has what’s called an individual care plan, which I have not seen. She’s on a waiting list to see one of their counsellors. A waiting list. It’s one of the most expensive schools and they don’t have more counselling? I wish I could blast to the world what they’re really like. When a teacher left amid sex abuse allegations, the head told the girls ‘ people change’ and that he was ‘an important part of the school family’, they even wanted to send him a goodbye card. Ffs!

A lot of this, is parents driven unfortunately. Parents expect top results and they don’t care how they get them. So many girls under enormous pressure.

Travelban

Oh my, we have such similar stories! It sounds like the same school!!!!

A girls school in London, one of the most expensive....

My children were are major public boarding and pastoral care was beyond excellent. Good results (top co-ed in U.K. at the time) but focussed on whole child and saw success as beyond 10 A*s.

I do think parents have a responsibility rather than blaming just the school. If you choose an exceptionally high achieving school that you know focuses on results then there is clearly going to be pressure to achieve which will breed anxiety and exacerbate underlying problems. It’s not rocket science. Instead of complaining perhaps work to reduce the problem? Don’t look at cohort problems but focus on your own child. Tell them she’ll only be sitting five GCSE exams or teach her greater resilience quickly. Harsh message but I suspect you’re reinforcing the schools message. You chose the school based on results so can hardly complain that they are using their long standing ethos to get them. High pressured hothouses are not a new thing. Perhaps the negligence isn’t the schools?

CherryPavlova

I did not choose the school based on results at all, please read my posts and actually listen.
There’s no way she could of done just 5 exams, it’s not allowed. We’ve done everything we could at our end, on limited means. The school has a responsibility and just because it’s an academic school does not mean that mental health issues should be expected, and ignored by them. They don’t even have a CAMHS person. Your attitude stinks and I’m not interested in any more contributions from you. We’ve done everything we can to help our daughter and battled to reduce her subjects. You’re a terribly rude and unsympathetic person. Go away.

exacerbate underlying problems

She had none when she arrived. Autism isn’t a ‘problem’, she just needs understanding which she didn’t get.

OP so think Cherry has a point. You pulled your dd out of two schools before she was 11 - there are clearly some pre-existing issues either with your expectations of schools or in terms of any school meeting your dd’s needs.

I can see this is very upsetting and worrying, and I would hope that the school communicates better and between you it’s possible to work out a way forward. But at 17, your dd does have the right to privacy about her own mental health, to some extent. Are you sure you know exactly that she wants, has been offered, has refused etc in terms of support?

Ds is at an independent non-selective school and the pastoral care has been outstanding, as is the SEN dept, and the whole school care and attitude. (He has Aspergers, anxiety and is very able.)

I work with children sadly we are seeing an ever increasing number of children with significant MH concerns self harming suicidal ideation serious attempts at suicide eating disorders etc etc. We see children from all walks of life and all types of schools many children even from under achieving state schools state that they feel under too much pressure to perform and also frequently report poor pastoral care or perhaps I should say pastoral care that they feel is not helping. But schools/teachers really have very little training support in this area and I also suspect very little time in many cases, my colleagues and Ihave extensive experience support and training we deal with it every day and easy access to a networks of other in the same field for advise and help and we don’t always get it right. I’m not totally defending teachers but ultimately I think you have got to have realistic expectation of what can be done especially in a day school.

Yes I do know, she’s told us. We are very close, she’s just as frustrated as we are. They have a policy, like all schools. They’re not following it.

Her moving schools is irrelevant to this school. A lot of people move school, especially autistic children who are exceptionally bright. I do not think overloading children is necessary in order to achieve reasonable grades.

The problem with this school is simple, it’s what my post is about. Offering adequate pastoral care. If there is a problem in a school, sufficient to have local GP’s concerned about it, the problem is not my ‘negligence’ as the other poster suggests. This is a cultural problem at this school.

My daughter asked for help, did not receive it. My daughter and ourselves asked if she could drop a subject early, from 4 A levels to 3, they refused. We’ve now insisted. I really am constantly amazed at posters on Mumsnet and their inability to offer help and support to other parents, as is the point.

My post is about pastoral care. If you’re not answering my question, please fuck off. I’m not interested, you’ve no idea what we’ve been through and battled with to make sure she’s ok. She wants to stay there, she’s ambitious. I am the least pushy parent you’d ever meet and don’t care what she does. She wants to fulfil her potential, they have an obligation to help her. The end.

My DDs private secondary has great pastoral care, but I think that is down to the individual who's role this is. She is quite fabulous, you know the sort of teacher who is a bit 'off piste' with her looks / personality and doesn't give a hoot. All the girls love her even though they think she's bonkers!

Also I think the fact that apart from being Deputy Head her only other role is pastoral care, so her whole job is looking after her girls. But I can appreciate that care could be very different if it was offered by someone not so well loved and approachable.

happygardening

Thank you. I think my expectations are realistic, they’re based on what we have been told and what they advertise. Having counsellors on hand is a basic. Long waiting lists are unacceptable.
In addition, if a child is having a problem and asks to drop a subject early, they should let them.

This is a cultural problem their school has and blaming parents is an easy out for them. They portray their school in a certain way, and the reality is very different.

I’d like my post to focus on what I asked originally. I’d like support. If you can’t offer it, please don’t post here.

cornishpixue I think you could be right. We have a full time person in charge of pastoral care, with two assistants. The head of pastoral is fairly new, last 2 years, and is not well liked. She’s more of a PR person. Some of the changes she’s implemented are part of the issue, although this school has had issues for a long time as I’ve discovered since this started. Her approach both with the children and with parents hinders things a lot. I think they’re also defensive because of the sex abuse scandal

I agree with Derek, the 2 are practically incompatible.
Ds1 is not private, but an exceptional Surrey secondary. But we are all aware that it is very results driven. Mind you, his pastoral care has been pretty good. I've had lots of communication each year with the HoY.

Move her after GCSE's?