Pastoral care at Private Schools- what is yours like?

[JessicaWakefieldSVH]

I have a DD at a top Independent in London. I don't want to share too much of her personal struggles, she has asked for help and not been given it a lot, we have had to organise it all ourselves, she has high functioning autism and depression.

What are your experiences of pastoral care at private schools? I have found this school, through local GP's ( plural ) has a huge problem with anxiety and mental illness. It's rife, and serious, and my DD and friends back that up. I have had two years of back and forth dialogue around that. I spoke to a lawyer about negligence it was so bad. I am pretty sure they haven't followed their own policies and my DH is now fuming after recent issues and wants to begin a complaints process.

Could I just ask other parents what their wellbeing policies are like? what kind of services your school has and what adjustments do they make for special needs etc

Thank you.

Oblomov19

Thanks, you’re probably right. What does good pastoral care look like to you? She’s in sixth form. We asked her if she wanted to move after GCSE’s but she loves her friends and wanted to stay. Change is difficult for autistic children so we felt it was better to stay and try and work with the school to provide better pastoral care, and we started CBT with a psychologist outside school. You have to understand we are bursary assisted, we don’t even own a car let alone a house. We had no offers at a state secondary. We are financially restricted and have had to get our own therapy which has had a big affect on us, totally worth the financial burden though. For our child, it created another problem having to find time to go to a therapist outside school, with an enormous workload.

This schools sells itself on not pushing girls and saying they aren’t concerned with exams and results, in reality that hasn’t been the case.

Just to highlight, since I have been accused of 'negligence' and hothousing:

• we had no state school offers, this school promised a relaxed approach and excellent pastoral care, specifics outlined.
• we battled the NHS for 6 years for an autism assessment, requested 3 times by our GP.
• we obtained an informal one from a psychologist, our current school wouldn't accept it so they help pay for a private one, which we got.
• the psychiatrist gave us recommendations, which we followed to the letter. The school did not follow the recommendations for them.
• the school has not offered the care when our daughter asked for it.
• we have told our Dd she could be home schooled, she could move school, anything she needed. She likes school, she is very academic and into drama and she has a great group of friends who help her, inc other kids with autism. We chose to stay and try and work with them for better pastoral care, had a meeting, they agreed they dropped the ball and made promises.
• since that meeting, no counselling or any extra care given. No allowances to shift to 3 subjects instead of 4.
• I am also concerned about other girls at the school, my DD says they are much worse off than her as their parents are also demanding and they frequently stay up to 2-3am to finish work, while we have a limit in our home. Some of them are self harming.

I have read every book there is on autism. I have been to lectures. I have been to therapists to learn more and adapt my parenting. I have spoken to various organisations about anxiety, self harm and how to deal with it.

To be accused of negligence or pushy-ness, while asking for support, is out of order.

I am trying to help an institution realise the extent of their cultural problem and how to adapt to meet the modern needs of children. I would appreciate anyone offering their experiences or offering support. Anyone else, your presence is not helpful or kind.

There’s also a correlation with parental mental health, unsurprisingly.

What's your point here Cherry? There are documented higher levels of stress and anxiety amongst parents of children with SEN - understandable given the bullshit they face and additional support they need to provide.

Is this a nod/dig to the OPs mental health or is there some other reasoning for that line that's went over my head?

APoxOnThePox pretty sure its a baseless dig at me. I don't know why people stigmatise mental health anyway... that's why we don't deal with it well in our society. If I did have a problem, that wouldn't make me a bad parent anyway, it's rude to suggest it. I have friends with depression who are marvellous parents with happy children. Mine is happy too! Just not coping with workload largely due to sensory issues. She has two parents and we do our very best.

It seems like you have two issues - 1. obviously, supporting your dd and 2. trying to change the school’s attitude. I appreciate why you want to do no 2 but I wonder if that’s a battle you won’t win? And it’s dividing your attention and causing emotional stress when you might be best just focusing solely on helping your daughter?

In terms of your dd, what would happen if she continued to go to lessons for 4 subjects but did no work/homework for the one she wants to drop? Could they throw her out? If not, that’s what I’d do in your circumstances.

Our dd is at a similar school in year 10 and is feeling the workload pressure too. We’re constantly trying to set a healthy balance, we make sure she goes out at weekends etc as she’s very sociable. I’ve also given her ‘permission’ to cut corners/do less. And we’ve discussed what would happen if she got 6/7s in GCSEs instead of the expected 8/9s - basically nothing, it would make very little difference to her life. She wouldn’t do to Oxbridge but that’s probably the only impact it would have. Perspective is really important! Does your dd think she has to get A stars? Have you discussed plan B/C etc?

The one my dds went to had good pastoral care. The schools that aren't as academically focussed tend to be much better.

I know you don't want to hear it but you need somewhere less academically focussed.

but I wonder if that’s a battle you won’t win? And it’s dividing your attention and causing emotional stress when you might be best just focusing solely on helping your daughter?

Yes, good point. Thank you. I worry for the others and my DD seems much better than we thought and spoke in detail about it last night, she is concerned for others more too. Thanks.

In terms of your dd, what would happen if she continued to go to lessons for 4 subjects but did no work/homework for the one she wants to drop? Could they throw her out? If not, that’s what I’d do in your circumstances.

We suggested that but she was concerned about her predicted grades and what that would look like for Uni applications. She did used to think she 'had to get all A stars... we have worked on that and she is more relaxed thankfully. We are definitely discussing different options now, and thankfully she has lowered her own expectations and been less demanding of herself. I think her main issue is sensory problems in thew school day and interacting with teachers and their expectations. When she had school counselling some time ago, she found it a good outlet. She on the waiting list for that.

We put our foot down yesterday and informed them she is moving down to 3 and that's that. I just hope they don't keep hassling her at school about that.

I know you don't want to hear it but you need somewhere less academically focussed. I agree! The problem is she wants to go there as she is academic, likes her friends etc I wish I could have taken her out for sixth form but the idea upset her.

I think everyone’s experience will be different and you can’t generalise.

My DS is one one the top 10 boys days schools by results ranking.

In the junior school he was struggling and was diagnosed as dyslexia.

School could not have been more supportive from a pastoral perspective and he is now thriving and automatically moved to the senior school.

There was not much in the way of in-house SEN support, but they did give guidance on things we could do at home.

No you can't generalise, which is why I was interested in what others care looks like in practice, maybe as what I could give a s feedback to our school. I am glad your child had good pastoral care.

If she’s at a private school and struggling, I’d pulling her out and sending her to state 6th form or college an option?

*is

BluebadgenPIP

I know, it was my first reaction but she was so insistent on staying the whole time... the other issue is, we do not have an available state school near us for girls, we didn't get into our local one. You know, I wanted to ,move out of London at the time and keep home schooling. I know, my mistake. I guess I just want the best way forward now.
I think dropping to 3 subs will help enormously, just did yesterday- her GCSE's were really good all things considered, mostly A's, not that it matters to me, but she has her own life goals I am trying to balance with what's best for her long term.
I just wanted to know about other schools and what was available so I could give them feedback and perhaps insist they give her counselling now.

You can’t fit the system. They’ll set the school up for what suits the majority. It’s just how schools work.

*FIGHT

sorry.

There must be an FE college she could go to ?

Cherry Pavolva

BluebadgenPIP

I get what you're saying. But in my DD school, more than half have mental health problems, confirmed by local GP surgery. I don't want to fight so much as make suggestions on what would help. They just spent 33 million on a new building. How about a full time psychologist? They het 1.4 million in donations a year alone!! Imagine a school that had amazing progressive mental health care... a model for others.

If the local gp surgery have confirmed that to you in writing then they’re breaking confidentiality. I don’t believe that for one second. Sorry.

They won’t do that because your child is the outlier. You’ve already had massive issues with schools and pulled her out twice before secondary level.

At some point, you have to realise it’s not the schools, it’s her. She isn’t a good fit for that type of environment.

And I mean that kindly.

Does she have to be at an all girls school? I went to a co-Ed sixth form and couldn’t believe the change in dynamic- having boys around just made such a difference. I can’t really explain it but they didn’t seem to feel pressure as detrimentally as us and the whole ethos just felt healthier and less stricken somehow. I have ASD traits and found being around 700 other girls just too much sometimes.

BluebadgenPIP

It was verbal, I am not lying. I do not think you mean it kindly at all. I do not think it fair to say a child is not a good fit for schools. Do you have a child with autism or anything like that? The school has not followed through on their own policies. I am asking what pastoral care is available at other schools, do you have anything to add regarding that?

BrexitBingoGenerator

Its what she wants. She doesn't want to move though, and with a year and a term left, its prob not best option. I am looking at what is realistic pastoral care between now and then.

Yes. I have a DD with significant MH issues and ASD who dropped 2 GCSES and went to tech instead of sixth form and has thrived. Do search my posts.

I also had a son with ASD who killed himself aged 17.

So wind your neck in.

The problem is that she isn’t a fit for that type of school it isn’t the school. It’s her. They are not going to change their whole ethos for one child.

And your doctor making inane chit chat and pass remarks like that could get them in serious bother. They’re not acting professionally in saying that at all. I doubt one GP would have seen every single pupil at a school anyway.