Pastoral care at Private Schools- what is yours like?

[JessicaWakefieldSVH]

I have a DD at a top Independent in London. I don't want to share too much of her personal struggles, she has asked for help and not been given it a lot, we have had to organise it all ourselves, she has high functioning autism and depression.

What are your experiences of pastoral care at private schools? I have found this school, through local GP's ( plural ) has a huge problem with anxiety and mental illness. It's rife, and serious, and my DD and friends back that up. I have had two years of back and forth dialogue around that. I spoke to a lawyer about negligence it was so bad. I am pretty sure they haven't followed their own policies and my DH is now fuming after recent issues and wants to begin a complaints process.

Could I just ask other parents what their wellbeing policies are like? what kind of services your school has and what adjustments do they make for special needs etc

Thank you.

I just want to concentrate on what pastoral care looks like elsewhere, thanks :)

Passive aggressive smiley after what I wrote? Aren’t you the peach.

Thanks yourself.

That was a general comment to get my thread back to my opening post.

Of course it was.

So wind your neck in. What? what the hell?

Look, I am asking about pastoral care. It is absolutely true there us a cultural problem at this school with mental health issues, the girls talk about it, the GP talks about it, I have since seen it talked about here and elsewhere online. Why are you making this such an awful exchange? I am asking a question about pastoral care. I do not want to argue. Why are you here to be combative. You've followed me around two posts just to berate me. Please stop. You are being deliberately unkind now. I want to get back to my Op, that's a general comment to everyone.

You’re not going to change the school.

Thanks for your sympathy though. It’s appreciated.

Oh wait. You didn’t. My bad.

As a parent of a child at an independent school I find schools fall into two categories either 'children who achieve will be happy' or 'happy children will achieve'. The schools who believe happy children will achieve tend to not be selective or mildly selective and are better suited to children with additional learning needs. They also have not so high results, but their value added scores are better, that is to say the children in the score better than you would have expected at their entry point. So really bright children will still achieve top grades, but children who need good pastoral care and a more individual approach flourish. This is what I think you need to look for.

I can't really engage with someone like you who is clearly up for a fight and telling me to 'wind my neck in'. I feel for anyone in this position. I didn't want to discuss my DD changing schools, so I asked as a general comment to get back to my OP, which actually asked about peoples experiences, so your post re your tragedy with your child was relevant, but I did not at all expect you to share anything you were uncomfortable sharing. I just wanted to know what pastoral care looks like elsewhere and I am not sure why you keep attacking me.

Lonecatwithkitten

Thank you. I think that would of been great to hear when we were looking initially, but she was not diagnosed then and had no anxiety or depression then either. But thank you :)

Absolutely fantastic. DS's form tutor, HOY and Headmaster are all over him.

TSSDNCOP that's nice! I think we have a great form tutor... so that's something!

My DD was at a top independent in Surrey (co-ed) the pastoral care was truly, shockingly awful. Bullying was rife, supervision of the children was minimal, there were no consequences. We went in to school time after time after time without anything changing. We tried everything to get the school to do something. Ultimately we had no choice but to remove my DD and we sent her to a fabulous, caring, nurturing school - her academics have rocketed, she is much happier, we are much happier - we wished we'd done it sooner. If your child is happy then they immediately start to do better in all areas of their life. From our experience you are just not going to be able to change the school - so if you are unwilling to move focus on what you can change within your own lives and on the happy things you can do with your DD.

Epwell

Thanks so much. I am sorry your DD suffered like that. Fortunately, one thing that is great, is the girls are very supportive of one another, she is exceptionally close to her friends. Thats a positive from it. Our DD seems really, really, pleased today after us dropping one subject. I am reluctant to force her to move right now, so now that she is down to 3, with that change we can focus on counselling ASAP.

Its good to hear what others think about pastoral care overall and what it has looked like traditionally in these schools. I am not from this country so its a learning curve.

Was she taking 4 a levels?

Yeah, they have to and then drop one for the actual A level year. we have now dropped it early. They like them to have 4 predicted scores

I am really reluctant to join this thread, as I understand you are at your wits end, but I don't think your experience is unusual and I think you have quite high expectations of what schools should offer.

Your DD has had counselling in the past, you are paying for Psycologist counselling now, and she is on a waiting list for more school counselling. IME school counselling is just that, someone to talk to, and there for emergencies. I have never heard of a school having a CAHMS counsellor. The private counselling she is having is perfect for her needs.

I agree, the school seems very unbending with regards to dropping the Alevel. There is absolutely no need for 4 ALevels, not even for Oxbridge, although helpful for Medics and VetMeds, otherwise 3 good ALevels are perfectly sufficient. Is she doing an EPQ as well??

I think your GP was very ill advised to "gossip" about a particular school. The sad fact is that ALL schools are experiencing increased mental health issues, anxiety and self harm. It is a societal problem, and certainly not limited to either girls schools or private schools.

Finally, I wish your DD luck going forwards. She is obviously a very bright girl, and your are supporting her well, but I would gently suggest that there is only so much a school can do, and at this point, it may be better just to let things calm down, see how the three ALevels go, when she does her exams this year, finish the counselling, have a nice summer break, and see how you all feel going forwards.

SilentSister

Thank you for your kindness and wisdom... re CAMHS, I am going on what they told us, that they would have one. I did check and you're right that they don't have permanent ones at school but you can be referred to them through school or GP. Yes, maybe the GP should not have gossiped, but at the same time, if its an issue I do think people should talk about it. Ive seen past students discuss it too.

The prob with private counselling is she finds it hard to fit in an off-site appointment, we couldn't get one close to school. So its about ease of use for her. We are financially unable to pay at present, find it hard to get it through NHS because of the school we go to, so it is a little bit frustrating overall.

It is good to hear what others think are reasonable expectations. I do think, and this is not a criticism, that we are all used to setting the bar quite low. If we know society is dealing with an increasing mental health issue in young people, I think we owe it to them to figure out together a better way to offer help, and often kids want that all in one place. London is a pain to travel around to specialists etc etc and someone at school means they can go anytime and is a familiar setting.
For us, it is about school following policy and her ICP, and also allowing flexibility with regards to the amount of subjects. We still have not had an official, yes you can do this, so they may be cross with us come Monday. Interesting that 4 isn't necessary! I am foreign so did not realise, just going on their advice.

Thanks again to those who offered support, willing to hear any other school experiences. Our DD is having the weekend off, to sleep relax and just calm herself down as well. Much happier at our end.

eaglefly

Thank you and sorry you are going through it too. I'll PM now. x

Mines at an all girls private school - shes been fine as far as I’m aware but I’ve no concerns about the pastoral care . Good luck with your daughter and I hope she flourishes with reducing to 3 A levels - if she plans to go to university then 3 is all she needs

bengalcat

Thank you. She is like a different kid today, like a weight has been lifted. The subject dropped is art and that's so much work! So good move on our part and I think things are looking brighter already! I hope Mum and Dad don't get in too much trouble with school, but that'll be our burden now and not hers. Thanks again.

I just want to clarify for you a few points that you have made:
"find it hard to get it through NHS because of the school we go to"
Where you child goes to should not have nonimpact on your ability to see CAMHs but there is a massive waiting list and many children do meet the criteria for an appointment.
"They don’t even have a CAMHS person."
If you're talking about NHS CAMHs of course they don't but neither do the state sector.
"How about a full time psychologist?"
This is difficult there is a shortage of child psychologists and secondly its not a one size fits all job a child may not like the one employed by the school or they lack the necessary expertise in the area the child is pressing with e.g.eating disorders.
IME of working in boarding schools in the independent sector most schools employ a counsellor(s) (is it always worth querying their qualifications and or experience of children) again children may not find the individual helpful, some have visiting part time psychologists but parents usually have to pay and usually a head of pastoral care who's usually as senior teacher but as you've discovered may not have any training or who may have attended a course but on mental health problems/wellbeing etc but will not have the knowledge of say someone form CAMHs.
"But at 17, your dd does have the right to privacy about her own mental health, to some extent."
Around the age of 13 a child is considered to be Gillick competent what this means is that the she has the right to confidentiality regarding any treatment she receiving this confidentiality can only be broken if there is safe guarding concerns, significant MH problems would fall into this category because keeping a child dafe is obviously the number one priority and even if a child is not at risk CAMHs etc ideally want try to work with the child and parent together but if a child won't involve their parents or say they doing want there parent to know what is troubling them they are entitled to confidentiality (unless what they have disclosed raises safe guarding concerns.
There is significant shortage of CAMHs staff nurses psychiatrists psychologists in patient beds and an ever increasing demand, I've been doing my current job for 10 years we used to see a couple of children a week with MH problems now we see at least one a day often 2-3 and most worryingly we are more serious MH problems; schizophrenia, personality disorders and of course eating disorders the system is collapsing under the strain. In patients beds are like hens teeth and children who are often very sick often have to go hundreds of miles to get a bed.

Hopefully dropping an A level will help art is know to be a lot of work I do hope you find a way forward.

happygardening

thank you for taking the time, very helpful and much appreciated. I understand these are different times now and everyone is catching up and struggling to cope. Thank you for highlighting that. I am feeling much better and lots of good posts here. I am still worried about mental health care, overall and in general, I will do my best to find the money to get her what she needs. Definitely less workload will help. Mostly she wants to feel listened to when she says, I can't cope with this. Thanks again, really value your input.

Bluebadgerpip
I also had a son with ASD who killed himself aged 17.
I am so sorry for your loss

My ds (dyspraxic and anxious) has needed extra help and his academic boys school has been extraordinary. Totally on it and has given him a ton of support. We have literally not been left a day (they called us the same day they found out there was an issue) and with their support he has overcome issues which if left to fester could have become serious. I say this as someone who had similar issues at school and missed a whole term during GCSE's as a result and had very little pastoral care from my state school at the time. I have heard that there are more issues in the girls schools but I don't think that academic automatically means hothouse and poor pastoral care. My ds is much happier at his academic school than at his primary as he has found a lot of boys on his wavelength in terms of interests.