Moving from private to state Yr 7/8

[glindathegoodbitch]

Dear All,

As you can see, the ungodly hour I am writing this means that I am stressed out if my eyeballs with worry.

Dd (currently yr7) is at a great private which she is flourishing at. She's been there since Yr2 and is very involved in every aspect. Drama and music scholar, but also very sporty (County at 2 sports) and bright- top set all round. She's in a very strong friendship group and is very loved.

Things were finely balanced. DH's wages pay household and running of, my wages pay school fees. The last year we have had a massive change of circumstance. I have had I'll health resulting in horribly long hospital stays, our youngest ds has been put on the radar for sen, so all in all, I took the decision to stay at home (he is pre-school) and spend more time with him. This has resulted in him making leaps and bounds with his communication and cognitive development. I'm over the moo and he is much happier and calmer. Middle ds (yr1) is making huge leaps because I am at home to read and spell with him and he is like a different child. So much more secure, less anxious and is loving school finally- reception he cried every single day. I feel like if I were to return to my very high pressured, long hours, long commute job, I would be throwing both boys under a bus. I have simply loved being home with them and to be there for when Dd comes home too.

Here comes the massive problem: we just simply cannot afford dd's school fees. Not even a little bit. I've been sticking my head in the sand this term hoping that money would some how magically appear out of my arse, but to no avail.

I'm going to sort out some part time, school(ish) hours work. Ds's school has no breakfast club and limited afterschool so options are limited.... but it will in now way make a dent in the school fees, plus... I'd actually like to live a bit. We haven't been on a holiday in years and we are always balancing every last penny. Our house is in desperate need of repairs, but there's just no money. Private school is a total pipe dream unless I am working to the point I barely see my children. We are very rural so everything takes so much longer and is so much further away- we can't move, tied to family property and could not afford to buy elsewhere.

Im just so sick of worrying about it. I'm up most nights. DH going to talk to bursar today, but we don't hold out much hope. They are a tightly run unit and have a strict 'no more than 50%' policy- which she is already on. I don't know of anyone who has ever exceeded it.

So I am looking at the local state today. The school looks great and is outstanding, but is in an incredibly rough town and there have been rumours of County lines drugs and there was recently a stabbing type incident in the school. I know no one at the school so can't find any further information beyond what is in the papers.

Both DH and I were privately educated so we are stupidly institutionalised. I'm terrified that she will be unsafe or bullied horrendously. That's no reflection on state education, just my own ridiculous ignorance.

If she moves at the end of year 7 will she be bullied for being the new girl? Will she settle OK? She's so funny and beautiful and I love her so much, but I cannot go bankrupt just to keep her at school. How do I go about all of this?

It feels like [redacted]'s choice. Either I risk my Dd potentially being unhappy (or she could flourish???... Some private to state success stories would be really appreciated) or I feel like I'm abandoning my boys to keep her in a school that we cannot realistically afford anyway.

I'm so so sorry if this is rambly nonsense, but I've been up since 1am with it all going round and round my head whilst googling 'local state school drugs/grooming/bullying'.

We should have pulled her at the end of year six, but we're swept up in the scholarships/ we can do this if we knuckle down/ isn't it lovely wave...

Please tell me that it's all going to be OK. I'm exhausted.

Identifying information edited by MNHQ

It will be different. But it doesn’t sound like you have a choice? What does she think about it herself? Honestly state school doesn’t automatically equal criminal hotbed- if it’s an outstanding school it might even be better than your daughter’s current school. Go and visit with an open mind and hopefully you will be nicely surprised. There is life and opportunity outside the public school system!

Fingers crossed this will be better for all of you and you can get some proper sleep without waking up at 1am!

93% of children are in state school, I really suspect she will be fine and do well. It may take a fee weeks to settle but year 7 gives plenty of time for that to happen before settling in for GCSEs..
I think sometimes state school is turned into a bit of a bogeyman . However classes of 30 and a large school may take some getting used to initially. The key is to be positive with her about the change or she will pick up on your anxiety. It needs to be managed well.

You could use the money you save to source some sport and Drama outside of school so you can reasure her she can continue with these perhaps?

Ps if things were so finely balanced with just one child in private out of three, it sounds like your other two children would have had to go to state anyway. So actually, at least this way you are avoiding a later dilemma of how to justify it to your two other children.

You lost my sympathy at "feels like Sophie's choice", TBH.

Nobody is going to die, either way. Do try to get some kind of grip.

Fair enough Cole but the OP has been awake in the night and things always close in and feel worse at that time of night.

Honestly though, OP- state school really isn’t that bad. Your DD may even love it!

Urgh the criminal hotbed thing... I've got myself in a right rabbit hole if doom
Absolutely. I'm being so silly.

Yes, school looks very very good. And no, we don't have a choice. It was all mapped out, dd to go all the way through. Ds1 starting when she finished. All fine and dandy... Until we had 'surprise' ds2 who has had every problem under the sun since he was born. There's no way we can afford all three, certainly not two boys at the same time.

Dd is amazing. We've had long chats over the weekend. A few tears and then she held my hand and said... 'Maybe it's time for a new adventure mummy'.

I couldn't be prouder of her.

As said school looks brilliant and she's impressed with the drama and the sport (on the website) but the town... Chard, is just somewhere I never go because when we first moved here, I thought I'd pop to the Sainsbury's. When I came out a man had had a drug overdose next to my car. I've not been back since. Its a bit of a local joke about how awful the place is, but I'm sure there must be a nice side to it and the children at the school get good results.

Dd worried me slightly though by asking 'will I still be able to go to college and university?'

It might do her some good to be out of the private school bubble- she automatically assumed that if you went to state you couldn't become a lawyer (current dream profession).

Yes, everything's worse at 5am. There's never any need to compare first world schooling options to the holocaust, though.

There doesn't seem much of a "choice" to be made, anyway. If you can't afford it, you have to drop it.

And yes, the Sophie's choice thing was a bit much- you're right. All my children are healthy and loved and unlikely to be carted off by nazi's, but I couldn't think of another way of saying I have to make a choice that is going to hurt one or the other... Or all (or none!!) I'm a bit overwired.
Apologies

Don’t worry - she will find her niche with lovely pals and will be fine! If she does well at school anyway, there is no reason for her not to be absolutely fine at another school.

I would actually try and get her started for the last three weeks or so of Year 7 so that she has made some friends and knows her way around and has people to text and meet up with over the summer. Then coming back into Year 8 can be something she can look forward to and will be easier. You’ll need to check they have spaces of course first.

Good luck!

And it's not a choice anyway, as you keep saying yourself.

I think you've done that classic thing of automatically trying to replicate your own upbringings and somehow managed to epically overlook the maths.

Have a and take some breaths. Your DD is being good about it. She can't stay where she is. Everyone is healthy.

Are you sure you've seen all the plausible state options?

Give it a go. You could always consider home edition if it doesn't work out

Yup i think you might want to get this deleted Change your user name and repost with less judgemental language. I'm sorry but you sound like you've already made up your mind what state school is going to be like.

All schools have bullying even your "naice" little private school in fact if your daughter picks up on your attitude its likely to be her doing the bullying. Certianly i was called scum at my state school by some one who'd entered from private school and my pricately educated siblings were bullied because we werent as wealthy as them. So be very careful how you come across.

Other wise i echo what swimming says, most children are educated in the state system. In fact how were you educated OP? did you or your partner turn in to rampant drug taking criminals? Your neighbours?

And i also had a question about the affordablity bout sending your sons to private.

@cauliflower dd and I thought the same thing! She breaks up around the 4th july(?) so thought she could join you in the last few weeks of term to make friends, plus won't be so high pressured.

OK. I have school runs/ breakfast/ not being insane to get on with.

Anyone reading this, please take any slightly silly things I've said with more salt than the content of a big mac. I am well and truly overdone and have got myself a little bit crazy imagining that basically the school will be Waterloo Road. I think I need to sleep and see the school (not just frantically Google it) and absolutely look at this as a positive thing.
There will be so much less pressure on her, me and our whole family.

Thanks for the early morning replies. Already feeling slightly more rational and actually a little bit excited?? (could this be the first coffee kicking in though?

“Dd worried me slightly though by asking 'will I still be able to go to college and university?'

It might do her some good to be out of the private school bubble- she automatically assumed that if you went to state you couldn't become a lawyer (current dream profession).”

Honestly? Maybe it’s time that as a family you thought about your attitudes generally. Because if she goes to her new school thinking like that she might well encounter a few problems..........

Yes, God. It does sound judgemental. I don't mean it like that. I have just spent waaaaaaaaaaaay to much time on the Internet when I should be sleeping.
The sensationalist newspapers are just awful though!!! Honestly, if I took everything I read tonight to heart, I would never let my children go anywhere- not state, private or home schooled.

Need to step away from Internet.

Immediately.

Cross posted thank you op for realising the issue with some of your wording.

TBH I think it might be good in a way to to get your daughter to see life outside what you yourself call the private bubble. Sounds like she her self has been influenced by the "ugh state school" (my brother and sister went to private school like i said and were very much judged for not being as wealthy or quite as old money) maybe talk to her a bit about the positives that yes you can still go to university find some famous MP/Scientists/Doctors that went to state school and talk to her about their careers.

Like swimming said it would be good to see if you could use what you save on sport and drama outside school. It doesnt mean she has to loose out on that.

One advantage of state school is that you have to be more self motivated and independent about learning and that is a massive advantage at uni. I knew privately educated students who had done almost no self study and it was like learning a new skill.

God, people are so nasty on here!

You are worried and stressed, it's never nice when you think life is going in one direction and fate has other plans for you. Bottom line though is that it sounds like there really isn't any other option than to move her and luckily your state option has lots of positives as well as potentially some negatives same as most schools. Your DD will take her cues from you so focusing on the positives and being matter of fact about the situation would seem to be the way to go.

Best of luck, hope things work out ok for your family.

Don't worry OP, once she settles into the state of sitting on rusty chairs and eating with her hands I think she'll enjoy it.

I agree with Bertrand. It really doesnt help if you think of state schools as Waterloo Road. Thats a heck of a lot of prejudice you've built up.

Shes sounding positive about a new adventure and the school has good results. Please dont make out it will be awful or that will really affect her. Or keep apologising for sending her there or make her think its 2nd best. Its going to be her secondary school so you want her to make the most of all she can there.

Given most people at uni come from state school (even at Oxbridge) there's a lot of assumptions shes grown up with that need gently challenging.

It’s absolutely normal for you to feel worried because neither you nor your husband nor your child have ever experienced state education. If it were the other way round you’d similarly have questions. Of course she won’t go to her new school thinking that she might be going into a crack den - she will be looking out for potential friends.

Great idea to go for the last couple of weeks if possible. If she’s interested in any particular sport or has particular hobbies then she could ask about these. Ask the head of Year to buddy her up with someone who has similar interests and could involve her with a nice little group of friends so she feels comfortable quickly.

The sensationalist newspapers are just awful though!

Yes and the key word there is sensationalist also remember this about everything you read in such newspapers and tbh even the broadsheets theres a reason such stories make the news they are unusal. If they were what every school like then they wouodn't be news worthy. Tjeir news worthy because they are by far not the norm.

I've been in your position OP. DD loved her very academic private school but a change of circumstances meant we simply couldn't afford it any more. There was no financial help available before year 10. She had just started year 7 when this happened (it was a school that went from reception to year 13).

She had to leave and go to the local "outstanding" (last OFSTED inspection was over 10 years ago) state school. It hasn't been a success, and she hates school now. The teachers are overstretched, the school is under-resourced. Every year the budgets for state schools seem to be dramatically reduced, and each year my DC have been at theirs, something else has disappeared. A couple of years ago it was language teaching assistants, so kids doing a language GCSE now have no option to practise the spoken language in school. Some GCSE subject choices have been removed because the school can't afford to fund teaching staff.

The only bit of advice I can give that would have made the transition easier for my DD is: if you have the option to start her in the state school at year 7 instead of year 8 (as your thread title indicates), do that. Much easier for her to start at the same time as everyone else, when they are all making new friends. My DD had to start in year 8, when everyone had already formed friendship groups the year before, and having to try to break into established friendship groups was another cause of stress and upset for her.

God yes. When DH and I were thrown from private sixth form to uni I could barely self manage. They were so good at keeping us on the right track, but once set free I went a little bit wild! I was so behind at the beginning because I just assumed someone would tell me what to do all the time. That was a long time ago now though.

But yes, I do worry a little bit about the spoon-fed nature of dd, and her comment did really startle me - but school set them on a very clear path- lower school, GCSE, a-levels, red brick uni.

I just think she thought that was the only way to do it and the only way to do it was by private education. I hadn't realised how little else of the world she sees. Plus she's 12 so doesn't have all the answers yet!

Going to make an appointment to see the state today. Tbh we are so lucky to have such a good one so close by with free bus service etc. If we'd never started the private school route, I'd be jumping for joy for her to go there no doubt.

Crisis chats only started yesterday and this is all very new!

I totally understand why you are feeling they way you are, especially if you both went to private school. DH and I were privately educated all the way through, and I felt we 'betrayed' our children by sending them to state schools. But with four, we couldn't afford secondary fees x4 and I wanted to be a SAHM.

My children are all flying and doing really well, and we are able to do so many more things, and have nice holidays than if we were both working FT in stressful jobs to pay fees etc. I'm sure it may be a culture shock for your DD at first but it sounds as though she's mature enough to handle it. Go and visit the school and meet some of the pupils. You may be pleasantly surprised 😉. Things are never as scary in the daylight hours either.....