Moving from private to state Yr 7/8

[glindathegoodbitch]

Dear All,

As you can see, the ungodly hour I am writing this means that I am stressed out if my eyeballs with worry.

Dd (currently yr7) is at a great private which she is flourishing at. She's been there since Yr2 and is very involved in every aspect. Drama and music scholar, but also very sporty (County at 2 sports) and bright- top set all round. She's in a very strong friendship group and is very loved.

Things were finely balanced. DH's wages pay household and running of, my wages pay school fees. The last year we have had a massive change of circumstance. I have had I'll health resulting in horribly long hospital stays, our youngest ds has been put on the radar for sen, so all in all, I took the decision to stay at home (he is pre-school) and spend more time with him. This has resulted in him making leaps and bounds with his communication and cognitive development. I'm over the moo and he is much happier and calmer. Middle ds (yr1) is making huge leaps because I am at home to read and spell with him and he is like a different child. So much more secure, less anxious and is loving school finally- reception he cried every single day. I feel like if I were to return to my very high pressured, long hours, long commute job, I would be throwing both boys under a bus. I have simply loved being home with them and to be there for when Dd comes home too.

Here comes the massive problem: we just simply cannot afford dd's school fees. Not even a little bit. I've been sticking my head in the sand this term hoping that money would some how magically appear out of my arse, but to no avail.

I'm going to sort out some part time, school(ish) hours work. Ds's school has no breakfast club and limited afterschool so options are limited.... but it will in now way make a dent in the school fees, plus... I'd actually like to live a bit. We haven't been on a holiday in years and we are always balancing every last penny. Our house is in desperate need of repairs, but there's just no money. Private school is a total pipe dream unless I am working to the point I barely see my children. We are very rural so everything takes so much longer and is so much further away- we can't move, tied to family property and could not afford to buy elsewhere.

Im just so sick of worrying about it. I'm up most nights. DH going to talk to bursar today, but we don't hold out much hope. They are a tightly run unit and have a strict 'no more than 50%' policy- which she is already on. I don't know of anyone who has ever exceeded it.

So I am looking at the local state today. The school looks great and is outstanding, but is in an incredibly rough town and there have been rumours of County lines drugs and there was recently a stabbing type incident in the school. I know no one at the school so can't find any further information beyond what is in the papers.

Both DH and I were privately educated so we are stupidly institutionalised. I'm terrified that she will be unsafe or bullied horrendously. That's no reflection on state education, just my own ridiculous ignorance.

If she moves at the end of year 7 will she be bullied for being the new girl? Will she settle OK? She's so funny and beautiful and I love her so much, but I cannot go bankrupt just to keep her at school. How do I go about all of this?

It feels like [redacted]'s choice. Either I risk my Dd potentially being unhappy (or she could flourish???... Some private to state success stories would be really appreciated) or I feel like I'm abandoning my boys to keep her in a school that we cannot realistically afford anyway.

I'm so so sorry if this is rambly nonsense, but I've been up since 1am with it all going round and round my head whilst googling 'local state school drugs/grooming/bullying'.

We should have pulled her at the end of year six, but we're swept up in the scholarships/ we can do this if we knuckle down/ isn't it lovely wave...

Please tell me that it's all going to be OK. I'm exhausted.

Identifying information edited by MNHQ

Or sports equivalent...

I'm going to ring both today to see about spaces- haven't even googled langport huish .... which is probably a good thing as i have over-googled Holyrood. fresh eyes and all that.

I'm not sure she'll be able to get transport to huish though and there is defo a school bus from the top of our local village to chard.

DH just gone to work on a really positive tone and Dd looking brighter this morning. Dh and I agree that private school was wonderful , but totally out of our reach and we really should have pulled the plug upon discovering surprise ds2 pregnancy as three x fees was going to be ridiculous even if all had got scholarships as dd. as dd said... time for a new adventure!

@glindathegoodbitch I went to state school and am a lawyer, as did DH (partner in a London law firm). Most of my friends/peers who are lawyers also went to state schools. No need to worry there!

Our local rag leaps on stories of bad behaviour in the state schools and turns a blind eye to the equally bad if not worse antics of private school peers as those schools pay the paper for shed loads of advertising . So you are getting a skewed view.

Our local rag leaps on stories of bad behaviour in the state schools and turns a blind eye to the equally bad if not worse antics of private school peers as those schools pay the paper for shed loads of advertising hmm. So you are getting a skewed view.

Exactly this. Paying fees is no barrier to bad behaviour, drugs, bullying or anything else, so go with an open mind! 93% of children in this country don't have fees paid for their education......

Good luck with it OP... night-time catastrophising is definitely a thing - I am regularly guilty of it 🙋🏼‍♀️ It's a beautiful part of the country there - wish we could visit more often. Good luck with school visits ☘️ and I hope it all works out well xx

yep- lots of people i work(ed) with have had perfectly great state education and have brilliant jobs.

i'm afraid i've been a rather narrow minded idiot and had gone into total panic over a stupid googling session at silly o'clock in the morning.

I think most of all though, i hate the thought of moving her.

be that from private to state, state to state or private to private. she's very settled and happy and i think i was looking for excuses to scream 'she's going to fall apart' so i didn't have to move her. before really assessing the situation like a sensible rational adult.

this really isn't a state vs private thing- I'm aware that there will be huger differences, but actually, i'm really looking forward to seeing her more- perhaps feeling a little more involved and having her close by- putting the money issue aside (which is obviously huuuuge) i'm just hoping she can make new friends, be happy and grow into her new environment.

thanks so much for all your replies, you've, massively helped a lady spinning out of control!

Also look on the bright side oxbridge are really trying at address private school bias so might stand her in good stead getting good grades from state.

You do realise your child is as likely to be bullied at private school?

If your DD plays a lot of club sport, does she already know DC who go to the school? If she doesnt could you consider an after school club so she can get to know some more informally?
I don't think joining in year 8 is at all an issue. My DCs' experience is that friendships are still very fluid.

Our local rag leaps on stories of bad behaviour in the state schools and turns a blind eye to the equally bad if not worse antics of private school peers as those schools pay the paper for shed loads of advertising hmm. So you are getting a skewed view.

aaaagh!! yes!! i know of lots of scandals at another private near us that has been miraculously hushed up!!!!

ha- It's funny. absolutely no school in the world is perfect, so i have to ask myself why i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown trying to pay for education- It has been awful and i'm so ready to throw in the towel, as much as i'll miss it. it really is a wonderful school, and dd is so happy... but i'm pretty sure she'd be happier if mummy wasn't a total headcase about money all of the time?

god love her, she's just excited about getting a bike.

I don't think anyone has mentioned this, but you will have to pay the fees up until the end of the academic year now. So if you move her now, you will essentially still be paying for her to be at a school she is not attending.

It also may suggest to her that even though you have little choice, you are putting the needs of your other two children ahead of her. To a teenager in a few years time, this may be something she will feel aggrieved over so I'd say it needs careful handling now. Basically if her brother didn't have SEN, she wouldn't be leaving a School she's happy in as you'd still be working.

Sounds very tough right now. I hope everything works out.

My eldest went all the way through a state school. She’s never so much as been standing next to anyone smoking,never been insensible with alcohol, never done drugs. She worked hard and had a fabulously rounded education - probably on balance better than the top ten boarding school my others went to for all or some of their time.

Hers was a ‘bog standard’ comprehensive. Her friends are all delightful young people and always were. They outperform the local sought after GDS and other day independent schools despite a comprehensive intake. Undoubtedly there were challenging pupils which they all,now laugh about but they didn’t really mix with them as they were set after year seven. They also had fabulous extra curricular activities.

Go with open eyes.

Just do it OP, and stop the handwringing

Where on earth does your DD get the idea you cannot become a lawyer unless privately educated? Her peers? Her family?

I moved DS1 from private to state in y7 (DH had a burn out and quit his job) and thank God we did! DS is actually happier at the comp, and takes responsibility for his own learning. We never regretted it, not even secretly, and it has taken the financial pressure off us, at a crucial time.

It almost reads as if you think your DD is worthy of a private school, but her siblings were always going to do State anyway?

Much better to get them all into State!

It is hardly throwing her to the lions

You sounded Frazzled in your first post and much much less so in your later ones. That should tell you that you're doing the right thing.

Think of it as what's right for the whole family, she'll be fine and you'll all be better off financially and emotionally.

FWIW, I'm a teacher in a private school and have been for many years. Some aren't worth paying for, others are, but if you've got a decent state option she'll be ok.

I moved from a state to private school.
I imagine it will be a big shock the other way round but as a family you can't afford to keep sending her to the private school.

It does sound like she is mature enough to understand and tbh will do will anywhere. My private school did have a lot of elitist attitudes entrenched and I do think it's good for kids to grow up with broader attitudes.

My DD moved from grammar (average result an 8) in London to a rural outstanding comprehensive as she was very unhappy at grammar though on track for all 8/9s there so not same move but may give indication.

Mine made friends at the comprehensive easily - initial friendship group wasn't great with lots of drama, talk of suicide, talk of getting pregnant at 13 and group constantly thinking of how to disrupt lessons but made DD happy to have friends. Results predictions fell a lot on switching from grammar to comprehensive (looked like she had gone down 1.5 years in a term) and are still quite a bit lower 6 months on but getting back. This is partly as the school refuses to use any other school results so wouldn't use grammar results or input SATS which were near perfect (claim lost and refuse to find) and in certain subjects she has been entered as zero for year 7 as she wasn't there and its half the mark so a lot of gobbledegook amongst results. Also they enter any partially missed test as a full test and she was in hospital for some parts of tests so part results are in out of full score when she's only done 30% of test so they've put down a 3 in one but hopefully she won't be in hospital for GCSE. Appears to be zero quality control in results predictions there and they change daily, much less data of higher quality is definitely needed there. She is much happier at the comprehensive - the only thing is if our daughter appears very posh she could be vulnerable to bullying by some kids but often new kids are swamped with friends. My DDs friend group has now shifted to a group of super sensible high achieving boys and her results and ambitions are rising.

Pastoral care is very good at the school. Funding is cut to the bone - in computer she doesn't have access to a computer that works so her predicted grade in that has gone down from 8/9 to 4 through no fault of her own. In other lessons she's sharing a desk and working on her lap as there's no money and space for an extra desk. She was also put in middle set for a couple of subjects as there was no space in top set - science adjusted after a term but French still hasn't and her grades in both these subjects fell from 8/9 to 7 due to being in middle set and them only teaching to a 7. French she's learnt nothing and will continue to learn nothing all year, thankfully she has a French Dad but she has gone from languages being her favourite subject to why bother with languages. French teacher and two covers for French all off sick meaning the French cover doesn't speak French. Science have done their best with what's available and she's back to 8/9 again. On the other hand, maths teaching is amazing. Much higher rate of staff turnover than at grammar but not too bad as outstanding rural comprehensive. No real crime issues as in very safe location - more crime around the London school. So mixed feelings here but it can and often does work out especially with good support at home. Drugs are in a lot of private schools too.

It's understandable that you are sad about your dd leaving a school where she is happy and thriving.
Dd goes to the local comp and i worried before she went about bullying etc. I grew up in a grammar area and hadn't experienced a comp first hand. I'm sure there are all sorts of kids getting up to all sorts of things at dd's school, but her group of friends are absolutely lovely kids and she doesn't seem to be aware of what other kids are getting up to. The tougher kids aren't interested in her group of friends and don't give them any bother. I found it worse at state primary school as there was more of a pecking order in her class and the cooler kids weren't nice to her. She hasn't found that at high school though.

There are no places!!!
not in the nearest 4 school.

god fuck it!!!! on hold to county council.

Places might come up though. When do you need to be out of the private school? You could homeschool while waiting for a place to come up after that?

Find the best state school and go the appeal panel with your best sad face. My dad sits on one of those panels they are sympathetic to change in circumstances

OP I think you’re handling this really well and some poster are being very unfair. Irrespective of the state vs. private debate, you are moving your daughter to a new school where she knows nobody- that in itself is going to be a worrying time for you even without the other complications.

FWIW I went to a public school, boarding, whereas my sister went to the local state school (her choice) and she is the hugely successful solicitor in a magic circle firm, not me.

I think her biggest issue is going to be her mindset. Does she genuinely believe that only private school children are able enough to go to uni??

I fear she maybe on the end of some pretty grim bullying if those opinions came out.

OK, I would be sad and very anxious about moving a Yr 7 child f their friends , because friends are increasingly important over tne teen years. But she is still young, and up for the adventure.

But himestlyutne tougher responses you have had will be the most helpful in suppprting your whole family, and you seem to be taking them on board, so that’s good.

In terms of the future needs of your youngest, it is the state sector that is best set up to provide SEN education.

“Seriously it's not Brixton!” As on PP said . You know what? Many of us actually have academically successful, high achieving kids in state schools in and around Brixton.

“The GCSE results are average so I'd get a tutor for maths English or and science”
Tne overall average doesn’t mean every child will achieve an average result. It is a comprehensive. The overall result will presumably reflect the fact that while the top set are working their way towards 9s and A* there are lower ability kids leaning at a slower pace.

My kids go to a comp, a few bus stops away from Brixton. They learn to be canny and streetwise, they stay away from trouble, they do well, and they learn how to get along with and communicate with and be friends with a true diversity of people. They have a great time,

Now one of mine is in sixth and mixing with more former private school students (there is a big shuffle round and lots turn to state sixth forms) The drunk and drug use at ‘private school parties are way in excess of the weed smoking at state. The private and ex private school kids had more money at an early age to spend on drugs, and more liberal parents who live in a sense of false security, maybe.

I hope it goes well and your forward -looking Dd settles down and thrives.

OP, who hasn't felt the depths of overwrought despair in the middle of the night? Kids are scared of the dark and adults can be too.

Good luck with the council calls. I know you said earlier that your DD would only have 31 days before a move. In our experience (and as steered firmly by new head teacher) the less time for the transition the better. Once the decision is made its best to get out of old one and into new. Otherwise there is just mucho maudlin wailing and gnashing of teeth, and lots of 'cant believe this is the last time we will...' instead of excitement at your DD's new adventure, as she describes it. I think she sounds a credit to you - people here can be v judgmental of throwaway remarks (as in can I still be a lawyer).