Moving from private to state Yr 7/8

[glindathegoodbitch]

Dear All,

As you can see, the ungodly hour I am writing this means that I am stressed out if my eyeballs with worry.

Dd (currently yr7) is at a great private which she is flourishing at. She's been there since Yr2 and is very involved in every aspect. Drama and music scholar, but also very sporty (County at 2 sports) and bright- top set all round. She's in a very strong friendship group and is very loved.

Things were finely balanced. DH's wages pay household and running of, my wages pay school fees. The last year we have had a massive change of circumstance. I have had I'll health resulting in horribly long hospital stays, our youngest ds has been put on the radar for sen, so all in all, I took the decision to stay at home (he is pre-school) and spend more time with him. This has resulted in him making leaps and bounds with his communication and cognitive development. I'm over the moo and he is much happier and calmer. Middle ds (yr1) is making huge leaps because I am at home to read and spell with him and he is like a different child. So much more secure, less anxious and is loving school finally- reception he cried every single day. I feel like if I were to return to my very high pressured, long hours, long commute job, I would be throwing both boys under a bus. I have simply loved being home with them and to be there for when Dd comes home too.

Here comes the massive problem: we just simply cannot afford dd's school fees. Not even a little bit. I've been sticking my head in the sand this term hoping that money would some how magically appear out of my arse, but to no avail.

I'm going to sort out some part time, school(ish) hours work. Ds's school has no breakfast club and limited afterschool so options are limited.... but it will in now way make a dent in the school fees, plus... I'd actually like to live a bit. We haven't been on a holiday in years and we are always balancing every last penny. Our house is in desperate need of repairs, but there's just no money. Private school is a total pipe dream unless I am working to the point I barely see my children. We are very rural so everything takes so much longer and is so much further away- we can't move, tied to family property and could not afford to buy elsewhere.

Im just so sick of worrying about it. I'm up most nights. DH going to talk to bursar today, but we don't hold out much hope. They are a tightly run unit and have a strict 'no more than 50%' policy- which she is already on. I don't know of anyone who has ever exceeded it.

So I am looking at the local state today. The school looks great and is outstanding, but is in an incredibly rough town and there have been rumours of County lines drugs and there was recently a stabbing type incident in the school. I know no one at the school so can't find any further information beyond what is in the papers.

Both DH and I were privately educated so we are stupidly institutionalised. I'm terrified that she will be unsafe or bullied horrendously. That's no reflection on state education, just my own ridiculous ignorance.

If she moves at the end of year 7 will she be bullied for being the new girl? Will she settle OK? She's so funny and beautiful and I love her so much, but I cannot go bankrupt just to keep her at school. How do I go about all of this?

It feels like [redacted]'s choice. Either I risk my Dd potentially being unhappy (or she could flourish???... Some private to state success stories would be really appreciated) or I feel like I'm abandoning my boys to keep her in a school that we cannot realistically afford anyway.

I'm so so sorry if this is rambly nonsense, but I've been up since 1am with it all going round and round my head whilst googling 'local state school drugs/grooming/bullying'.

We should have pulled her at the end of year six, but we're swept up in the scholarships/ we can do this if we knuckle down/ isn't it lovely wave...

Please tell me that it's all going to be OK. I'm exhausted.

Identifying information edited by MNHQ

Maybe you need to rethink going back to work?

Yes, sorry @greyroses I did.
The school is pretty good and I'm sure if I pleaded extreme poverty we could come to some arrangement? If not, I'd have to keep her in until we'd finished everything we'd paid for and just stick my head in the sand a little bit more.

I definitely need to see what school says before making any arrangements with a new school etc. but I think if i get the application in and then start appeal process, I may get a bit of a head start as opposed to beginning when we've already finished iyswim.
getting my cheap poundland upside-down floating ducks in a row...

yes @chocatoo me too. I just don't know how that would work with DS's school and nursery(preschool) limited after and before care. preschool 9-3 and DS2(SEN radar) is very very settled after months of not being. he's making so much progress and he's really relishing the small environment and having me to support him around it.... back to the hobson's (definitely not sophie's) choice- her school and work lots, disrupting little ds's... or their school and having me support them, but she has to come out.

I'm so grateful to have three happy, healthy children and DS2 has been through so so much. I couldn't whip him out and change nursery. as stated, we live in the middle of nowhere with no family really close so help with pickups would be possible, but limited.

spinning around and around in circles. every time i think of a solution, another problem turns up.

If you went back to work to keep dd in private would you be able to put your other dcs in private too? If not it would all be about benefiting your dd but nothing in it for your other dc.

We wouldn't put the boys in private until later- even if by some miracle we could afford it. they absolutely love their little primary and it's most definitely the best thing for ds2. he's such a monkey, but they really let him be himself and he shines there. i'm actually a little bit i n love with the school.

where we lived before the primary catchment was severely competitive. we missed out when we moved when she was in yr2 as no places available hence the private school early doors. if we had been able to get her in to a good one within a few miles, we would have sent her there.

And no, even working full time, we couldn't afford all three in at once
gets a little bit of arse sweat on at the thought

Op you're in a really hard situation and whatever decision will probably leave you feeling like one of your children is the sacrificial lamb.

BUT all three of your children will/can benefit by you not working full time just to pay for 1 of them the go to private school.

Definitely start the process now and hopefully something will come out in the wash in time for you to seve notice and draw a line on the fees end of this academic year. You need to be careful you don't find yourselves out of time and being liable for September. AT DS old school we had to give notice before we went back for the summer term.

I was one of those critical of your use of words but i do get that it came on the back of slwep deprived over thinking and we all get ourselves over wroght sometimes.

8n terms of home ed, would it be an option to home ed the begining of the year while your waiting for a place?

Now entirely diffetent situation and not that middle school but i went to middle school for a year, admitedly it was year 5 rather than year 8. But then maybe it would give her the chance to make friends before moving on to high school? If indeed any one is moving on from tje school as you say their planming to extend in to year 11. I appricate its not the best school and your H might rule it out, i'm just trying to put something positive on the situation.

I'm not sure about re thinking going back to work, as some ones said all three would benifit from you being at home more amd having the extra money for activities. Again trying to be positive.

Thing is, if tje council place your DD at the middle school and you refuse it, im not sure their obliged to find sone where else. I might be wrong, but i think they've fulfilled their requirement to find your child a place. Like i say i'm not a hundred percent. And i understand your concerns. Hopefully some one more knowledgeable will cortect me.

You have my sympathy. I must say that at this stage of the game, I feel most concerned for your daughter as the 2 younger ones are happy where they are and you have already said that you have an excellent state school that they will probably get into, but your daughter can't access it because it's full.

Firstly I think you should ensure she is on the waiting list for the good school (but if it is really good, I wonder how many pupils leave). I would be anxious about putting her into the school that has places because where we live, that would be the school that no one else wants to go to, although many poorer performing schools are actually 'on the up' with the most talented teachers being recruited to turn them around (and some Outstanding schools have not been reviewed by OFSTED for years).
I would consider looking further afield and I think you need to do A LOT of homework before you decide where to send her.

HotPotLawyer has made some very good points which I wanted to echo. A state school education can give a child many skills they won't get at a private school - think, being streetwise, knowing how to avoid potential trouble, mixing with a wide and diverse range of peple, being self motivated. If your dd is bright and hardworking, she will do well.

Dh and I were public school (dh, think major public school) and private school educated. We considered private school and ds was awarded a scholarship. BUT we chose to send my ds to what I consider to be a good state school. He has had amazing opportunities, came out with a full set of 9's at GCSE (surpassing many private school friends ) . But he has also turned into a resiliant and compassionate young man, politically aware with a range of friends.

Please have a look at as many schools as possible - there are many excellent schools. And when you think only 7% are privately educated and stack that up against the numbers of professions (law, medicine engineering ets, it's obvious that the majority are state schooled.

Good luck.

@glindathegoodbitch
Chard is chard. I know people from there but they all went to the same independent school as me. There will be different groups within the school. Get her in with the Young Farmers group- all good fun! She's unlikely to end up making friends with the less salubrious types.

Will be judged on her own merits and have to develop her own work ethic and moral compass . It will be terrible. hmm

That’s quite a spiteful comment Barbarian. Also why would a private school prevent a child from developing a ‘moral compass’? Not sure what you mean by that.

Dd is year 8 and 2 girls recently joined from different schools now firm members of her friendship group - starting mid term not necessarily an issue socially

I've never known a private school waive their fees if someone leaves without notice either.

It's usually a full term's notice so you may find you've got to pay until summer anyway now.

OP even if you plead extreme poverty, you will still be liable for fees. The best you can hope for is a small proportion possibly written off, and the rest in some long term repayment plan.

Do moving her before the summer would be counter productive. You could still be paying this next term and a half in fees for the forthcoming few years.

Concentrate on September entry into school and leave her where she is until then.

Thing is by not moving until September you will possible have to serve notice at current school without having a firm idea of where she will end up going.

The state system won't hold a place, usually you get a week and then you start. The fees to the end of July are now due regardless but you need to stop being liable for any longer and plan accordingly.
If a state place comes up which you are happy with you've got to take it there and thrn.

I've never known a private school waive their fees if someone leaves without notice either.

When DD had to leave her school, I had already been in to ask if there was any financial help available. They said no but if I did get a state school offer, they wouldn't hold us to the term's notice.

DD got a state school offer in the June, to start in the September. So, on the terms and conditions, we should have been liable for a term's fees, but this was waived. I think an offer of a place to start in Sept, but offer made in the summer term, is quite common, as relocating families will usually be able to tell a state school before the end of the summer term if their child is not going to return in the September.

You have little choice but to keep looking for a place, get in tne waiting list, and take it as soon as a place comes up.

As a PP said, a state school will not hold a place d for a term, so you will either lose potentially a term’s fees, or else have to risk giving notice before you have a place.

Even in-year waiting lists are done in order of how far you meet the schools admissions criteria. People move house in the summer hols if they can, so it is perfectly possible that places will come up before September.

Look carefully at the schools, and go on the waiting list for all those you like.

Apply, appeal.

Study the way appesls work . You have to demonstrate that that particular school is the best school for your child and your child will be disadvantaged by not getting a place more than the school will be by taking an extra student. So, the school dippprtd your child’s sports / musical instrument/ has a club whic addressed her talents / ambitions.

You can appeal to more than one school.

Losing an appeal will not affect your chances on the waiting list.

Also bear in mind that waiting lists are based on published criteria, not how long you’ve been waiting. Generally the closer you are to a school, the higher up the list you’ll be. So it’s worth getting on several lists.
Also the admissions criteria I linked yesterday does say the school has some flexibility on admissions. Have you tried contacting the school directly and asking for a meeting with the Head or one of the Deputies then you can discuss your change of circumstances following your DCs SEN, the fact you have 2 younger DC who will be attending the school in the future and your DDs particular strengths and skills?

“Get her in with the Young Farmers group- all good fun! She's unlikely to end up making friends with the less salubrious types“

You are Jilly Cooper and I claim my £5!

Ring the school direct my friend did that a place had randomly come up the school liked the family so their dd slotted in mid term immediately school an academy so some flexibility

I hope that comment about the young farmers was a piss take! They may as well be called the young Tories as far as the ones here are concerned

She will be fine and she will flourish, stay involved in her life and encourage decent friendships. Private schooling is an unnecessary waste of money. Please let go of the guilt, you are doing what's best for your whole family.

MsTSwift schools can not offer places because they like a family. They have to follow their admissions criteria.

OP I'm really sorry about your health problems.
And I'm sorry to hear the situation you are in with dd. It's so tough.
We're all state educated and it's better than fine.
In terms of waiting lists they can really go down in year 8 if they wipe the list and people have to reapply. By then many are settled and happy in what were second choice schools.