DD want to board - help! I don't know where to start!

[StrictlyRioja]

Hi all - NC - I have an unusual issue: in a nutshell I fully admit I am uncontrollably a helicopter parent - and poor DD is on the receiving end. She is only in Y3 but I suffer with anxiety and I can only see things getting worse over the years.

I do so very much want her to be free to make her own decisions as she gets older but I just feel that I am letting her down as I get really anxious and worried and keep interfering and controlling everything. If I'm like this now at Y3 what will I be like when she is making important decisions later on? I don't want her to end up living my version of what I think her life should look like. And then hating me.

DD has asked if she can board from Y7 (she must sense what is coming already!) - and DH also thinks this would be a good idea.

I don't know anything about boarding schools - we live in London so anywhere within a 2 - 2.5 hour drive would be great. Can anyone help with any advice or experience - she loves learning, is quite academic, ace at music and dance. Music is v important, so is a Christian ethos (RC or CofE), and an academically challenging environment with creative learning.

Looking at the map I've pinpointed Uppingham, St Mary's Shaftesbury, Roedean, Downe House, St Mary's Ascot. Does anyone know anything about these schools ? I know they are probably all different but the main thing I am looking for is a super-friendly and supportive environment where she can learn to mature at her own pace, be accepted for who she is, make good friends for life and thrive.

My biggest worrying is bullying and I don't want her coming out of school a stuck up bitch either - any (polite!) suggestions most welcome

Many thanks in advance.

Rioja

Suddenly friends who've removed their DC's from so called full boarding schools that turned out to be weekly schools found that few activities were organised on Sunday's (we found the same thing when our prep moved wholesale over to weekly boarding). Basically there weren't enough children around to justify the cost of staffing a trip out.
Although I must add at Winchester no activities are organised on Sunday, the gym, DT dept and art room is open and the boys are free to go into Winchester if they want or anywhere else for that matter if they have the time including going home for a few hours but they have to attend chapel in the morning and be back by 9 ish in the evening. I personally think that optional activities should be organised on Sunday especially for the lower years so at least boys can choose to do something if they want too and I do know other full boarding schools do organise activities on Sunday's. I do of course understand that for house staff who are often the ones who organise these activities this is often their so called "day off" and time they spend with their own long suffering families.

Jennifer do you think the new head will move away from full boarding? I often recommend Uppingham to people who want a proper full boarding school. As it is one of the few that are left.
Winchester also gets a new head, I'm hoping his view will be "if it ain't broke don't fix it" not that it will apply to my DS it would just seem a shame to change a model that is so clearly working. Hopefully Uppinhams head will feel the same (assuming it's working).
I've heard rumours from very reputable sources that other full boarding only schools are looking at moving to weekly flexi boarding or if they have day pupils changing their hours so that they don't have to stay all day but go home when other local day schools finish. As I've said above amongst UK based parents there is not much enthusiasm for inflexibility of full boarding.

happy I really hope not. I am noticing that there seems to be an assumption among DCs and parents that boys and girls in DC2's year group will take an exeat each half term (or enough of them do to make those them who will be left in house want to go home as well), which wasn't the case when DC1 was there.

I think Abbots Bromley School would tick many of your boxes. (Academics, music, ballet, faith school) I'm considering it for 6th form for dd. (She's currently stands specialist dance school)

It's very very hard in most boarding schools to keep up music & dance, especially dance, at a high level.

I would have thought it was easier to keep up music to a very high level rather than dance? (I'm no expert) Most boarding schools hold regular concerts etc the few I've attended at DS's school the standard of playing has been extraordinarily high, music depts at most of the boarding schools I'm familiar with are very large and thriving and also maybe they find it easier to get top level teachers for instruments than for ballet?
I did attend a ballet performance last year at a coed school, as I said I'm no expert but although enjoyable and I know the pupils had lessons 2-3 times a week in a purpose built ballet studio it wasn't exactly the Royal Ballet.

Midlife - wow that IS outside the box - not sure I'll ready for DD to spend a term abroad bit it's something to bear in mind!

Jennifer - so good to know Uppingham parents are not all twinset and pearls! I will def PM you later. Thank you.

Thanks, Spoon - I'm starting to look forward to visiting all these schools now, so that's an improvement!

I wish schools would adopt the "if it ain't broke don't fix it" policy - I would be gutted if I spent the next 5 years researching and deciding on a school only to find at the last minute that there's a new head and it's all going be different.

BalletGirl I've never heard of that school - will look it up.

Just want to say Happy Easter to all of you and thank you so very much for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences with me and for all the advice which I have found invaluable.

HG - I have just looked at Marlborough's website - the music is phenomenal!!! It's definitely growing on me. I just hope it is pastoral enough and personal enough. And I'm assuming the learning and teaching is pretty much individualised to bring out the best of each child's potential.

But the music is just phenomenal.

My dd is at Malvern St James as a day student but it's also a boarding school and I cannot fault it. She has really taken off in all areas since she joined and I would recommend it to anyone. It's not a hot-house but gets good results from all the girls. And there is emphasis on everything so that the children get lots of experiences. My experience of the boarding staff is that they are very nurturing and kind.

"I'm assuming the learning and teaching is pretty much individualised to bring out the best of each child's potential".
Of course its not no school can possibly offer individualised learning and teaching unless you've only got 2-3 in each class.
As at alll schools (in both sectors) there will be a mixture of inspiring, amazing, good, ok, and frankly at best mediocre teachers, your DD will have to learn to make the best of it, as she will in her adult life where she will work with inspiring amazing good ok and frankly the mediocre.

StrictlyRioja.please don't think I am negative about Downe House it's just that it doesn't have the same architectural charisma as CLC nor does it have a strong brand / sense of educating female leaders / planted it's flag in the world, however it is clearly a first rate school for academic / pastoral and non-academic pursuits.

I remember feeling that the girls were very happy and confident. I also remember that they were mainly English without the usual 20% Asian 10% African, which could be good or bad depending on your POV

I really liked the term that all girls have in the schools place in France. It might just be marketing, but it is good marketing.

Regards Benenden, my wife is away riding this weekend with our daughter so I don't have a report. She was very enthusiastic about the school. More than anything else she wants our DD to be happy so I suspect the pastoral side looks good. I am going in a few weeks.

Happy I'm going have to disagree - but perhaps it's down to my interpretation of individualised L&T - If I'm paying £36K+ for DD's education I shall be expecting that her eduction will be in the hands of people who will assess her (and each of their pupil's) strengths and weaknesses and plan their teaching accordingly - this would be necessary within even a narrow range of ability. It can't possibly be one size fits all -

dad - not at all - it's just that I have heard similar from others so it's becoming a general view that there is nothing stand out about Downe or that the girls all conform to a 'type'. I guess I'll have to go see for myself in due course. But I agree, the term in France sounds like a wonderful opportunity.

I'm with your wife (not riding haha) - in that happiness is paramount - but it's such an unknown quantity - we can research all we like but at the end of the day we have no control over who her cohort will be or her teachers or the head or her house mistress - there are just so many variables that can affect her happiness that could largely be down to chance / fate.

If it all gets too much for me to handle I'll just put all the school names in a hat .....

TBH I've absolutely no idea if my DS's "strengths and weaknesses" are assessed and then teaching planned accordingly and Winchester has very small classes 12 -14 is the norm, max is 18 and this is very rare and single figures common. Anyway my gut feeling is that its not happening and frankly until you mentioned it I've never given it a thought. I also don't expect it to happen. But I do expect him to accept that there are different teaching styles, some he'll like some he wont and he has to get on with it and try and do as well in the cases where he doest find the teaching style to his taste as he does in the ones where he enjoys the teaching style. When he's at university he's going to have to do this.

I ought to add DS1 has dyslexia and a very significant processing problem I've never found any teacher in either sector (how ever small the class is and however much you pay) who has ever even attempted to tailor their teaching style/method in any way to fit his very clearly and well documented needs despite being told to by the LEA and the schools learning support dept..

Happy - to be fair I agree - it probably isn't something most people think about! However, I used to be a secondary school teacher and I was just commenting from that perspective. The teachers of your DS's classes must have some idea of who they're teaching otherwise they wouldn't know how t plan or where to pitch the lesson or how to differentiate. They also wouldn't be able to write school reports or tell you how DS is getting on at parents' evenings etc - I wasn't suggesting that each child has their own lesson plan - but teachers do discuss all our DC to death and how they are going to get them to meet their (individualised) targets etc. Especially in schools where they are under pressure from league tables and paying parents who judge by results (among other things). But my comment in relation to Marlborough was that because it is such a large school I am assuming there must be some mechanism by which the DC are divided up appropriately and taught so that they can reach their potential (however that is identified). I wouldn't want DD to feel that she was just dumped in a class and left to sink or swim!

Cross posts - I'm afraid that SEN is one are where the state sector triumphs over the independent - although that isn't saying much. IEPs are supposed to translate into differentiated lesson planning but rarely does. In the state sector the failures are largely due to large classes with disproportionate numbers of SEN \EAL (in one of my classes of 32, I had 14 EAL\SEN\Combined) - there is no way a sole teacher can differentiate so acutely. In the independent sector, where the classes are so much smaller it should be easier.

*SEN is one area

StrictlyRioja I agree that it feels like rolling dice, however the collective wisdom of these 100+ posts and that you initiated them would suggest that you will make a good decision for your daughter.

If for no other reason than spending a term in France at Downe House, your daughter will learn that you should drink from Burgandy and Bordeaux and not Rioja. She will be fine.

dad I cannot afford decent French wine anymore as I am saving for school fees

Rx

dad I hear you.

Your DD is how old? 7? Year 3 is very little. She may feel quite differently about boarding by the time she is 11. So bear that in mind. She can't possibly know what it would mean now to be away from home -at her age being 11 is like thinking of being 30, it is years away.
I will go against the grain here and say that I really wouldn't rush to sent her away- I think my time boarding damaged my relationship with my parents, in particular my mother, in a way that was impossible to mend. And in ways that I wasn't really aware of until I had my own dds. I wonder whether addressing your anxiety over her might be more productive than boarding school for both of you? Schools have changed since my day, and I think for older children of a certain personality they might be fun, but there is no doubt that spending most of your time with people who don't love you takes its toll on younger children. 11 is too young to board IMO.

I think they can know exactly what they want at this age, my dd is also a prime example.
Some just know what they want to do and what they need to get there.
Despite us saying she had to wait until she was 14, she was prepared at 11 and ready for audition.
She knew at 2.5 she was going to be a musician, some children are like this.
Her brothers at 24 and 21 are still not sure where they are going in life.
They are all different and if you have one who is determined and adamant they want to do a particular thing, I think we should listen.

SirVix - thank you for your post - I take your point - she may well feel different in a few years in which case we will consider what to do then - nothing has been set in stone.

However I do have to agree with NewLife - I know my DD - and DD knows her own mind - it is quite scary - I recognise it in myself, only in her it is squared. I never (as a child) had the opportunity or the courage to follow through with what I wanted to achieve - but if she is set on something - as long as she knows all the facts pertaining to whatever it is she wants to do - I want her to be free to decide for herself. Speaking as an anxious, controlling parent, it is by far the best gift I can give her.