DD want to board - help! I don't know where to start!

[StrictlyRioja]

Hi all - NC - I have an unusual issue: in a nutshell I fully admit I am uncontrollably a helicopter parent - and poor DD is on the receiving end. She is only in Y3 but I suffer with anxiety and I can only see things getting worse over the years.

I do so very much want her to be free to make her own decisions as she gets older but I just feel that I am letting her down as I get really anxious and worried and keep interfering and controlling everything. If I'm like this now at Y3 what will I be like when she is making important decisions later on? I don't want her to end up living my version of what I think her life should look like. And then hating me.

DD has asked if she can board from Y7 (she must sense what is coming already!) - and DH also thinks this would be a good idea.

I don't know anything about boarding schools - we live in London so anywhere within a 2 - 2.5 hour drive would be great. Can anyone help with any advice or experience - she loves learning, is quite academic, ace at music and dance. Music is v important, so is a Christian ethos (RC or CofE), and an academically challenging environment with creative learning.

Looking at the map I've pinpointed Uppingham, St Mary's Shaftesbury, Roedean, Downe House, St Mary's Ascot. Does anyone know anything about these schools ? I know they are probably all different but the main thing I am looking for is a super-friendly and supportive environment where she can learn to mature at her own pace, be accepted for who she is, make good friends for life and thrive.

My biggest worrying is bullying and I don't want her coming out of school a stuck up bitch either - any (polite!) suggestions most welcome

Many thanks in advance.

Rioja

Take a look at St Edwards, Oxford. Co-ed and very good both academically and pastorally. Also loads of sport, music art and drama.
I've heard good things about Woldingham. Also look at Tudor Hall, which seems to be a nice, quiet, gentle girls school.
Friend's DD at St Mary's Calne, really enjoying it.
Not heard good stuff re Downe House.
Marlborough, according to DDs friend, is the most bitchy place she's ever been.
Roedean, another of DDs friends is there and is home most weekends.
CLC - also mixed reviews from friends.

toobusy - thanks - I like the sound of Uppingham - can't think of anything against it tbh - as long as co-ed proves suitable - hadn't thought of Rugby. Had discounted Oundle on basis that it was too big but HG has suggested this is more of a positive so will re-visit.

Thanks, MissTeri - wow - the list gets longer and longer! Must admit I don't for some reason like Marlborough at all. I knew a boy from there once who was a total arse and although that's not a good reason to discount a school - and I have tried to be more open - I just have a bad vibe about it. Tudor Hall may be too gentle perhaps as DD very active and if it is too small a school then I think it is limiting / too intense. Will take a look at St Edward's though - thanks for the suggestion

Forgot to add to my list above that DD is an only child and this has not helped in terms of her social development and is another reason why we feel boarding would be good for her

Also bloxham? People will tell you it isn't very academic, but it is becoming more selective and we are looking at it for our bright ds and dd. It is smaller than oundle etc and has a lovely family, nurturing feel.

Hah! I thought Tudor Hall too gentle too.
Also, re Rugby, I think the child has to be very robust to thrive there.

Thanks, toobusy!! [adds to mile long list] -

oh how am I ever going to narrow this down ahahaha!

Wycombe Abbey school ticks your boxes I think. 20 mins on train to central London as well.

For a co-ed school have you considered Sevenoaks? Although half day and half boarding, the day students still do Saturday school so it doesn't empty. The school put a huge emphasis on thinking of others and community and world issues through their IB programme. Trains take half an hour into central London and the 100 acre grounds and facilities are amazing.

Stood - don't like WA - several people I know had DDs there - all unhappy - pressurised/unpastoral/ climbing the walls to get out - has put me off!

Petts - not looked at Sevenoaks - thanks for that

Any views on Uppingham and Bradfield?

Also Sherborne Girls?

Bradfield and Bloxham has a high number of weekly boarders. So although good schools we dismissed them.

Do remember when looking at weekend activities that if the school starts at 11 then the weekend are often very busy as if they were in their last two years at a prep school. From age 13 my DD certainly valued her free time which was not timetabled. She had lessons on Saturday morning and played matches on a Saturday afternoon. So on Sunday she would do some academic work, watch DVDs and relax with her friends.

As PPs have commented different schools are good for different DCs. Also do make sure that you speak to recent or current parents. I have seen interesting comments on mumsnet from PPs who have made sweeping statements about a school which are often based on hearsay. Some are 100% correct others are not and those are just comments about the two schools my DC went to!

At this stage you need to visit CLC and the others to get a feel for the heads, staff and what they offer. CLC is very international / Asian heavy in the older years. Not surprising for a school that is particularly academically selective in the sixth form.
I think mixed reports from parents depend both on the cohort of girls in a year (and that really does vary) and how the school handle issues within the cohort including 'queen bee' cliques and the clusters of eating disorders and self harming. The latter is definitely becoming more frequent in all schools but in boarding schools even more important on how they handle it with sensitivity both for the girls themselves and their friends who are worried but don't want to break confidences. Interestingly I hear (and this may be complete rubbish) that the international asian pupils are n't so prone to this problem.

Mixed reports about schools also relate to variability in teachers (which may change) and coordination between boarding house staff and the main school to encourage opportunities tailored for the individual puoil's needs. Sometimes boarding schools sound as they are full of opportunities to try different things and develop an individual but actually options only apply to certain groups or the more extrovert pupils.

I would agree that large is usually better. Lots of good reports about Rugby to add to the list given and pupils are quite grounded there.

Oakham has a mixture of weekly day flexi and full boarding I met a parent who's DC is there a couple of months ago she talked highly of it but said there are few UK full boarders.
"Girls particularly London girls become particularly adept at escaping at the weekend"
I'm not disputing that this happens if it does these are not proper full boarding schools. Many of the boys at Winchester are from London and I'm sure would love to "escape" for the weekend to attend the "London party scene" but are simply not allowed too. Is it too "restricting"? I wouldn't describe my DS as sporty or many of his friends and many as I've said are urban but I don't think he'd say it's restricting to stay in school Saturday night, at Win Coll they do prep on Saturday night and then chill out together, the HM provides beer etc for older boys, staff chill, there's often a DVD, the the daily house meeting, top years can go to the pub, this is what full boarding school is all about. They lead impossibly busy lives, this is the social side to boarding as important as all the other things they do and just like you would do at home I think the boys value it. Many other full boarding schools I know organise house activities on Saturday night, cinema, a meal out or a take away, this for us is what boarding is about a 24/7 community.
I don't know why I favour coed for girls, I think girls can be catty at times maybe boys dilute this Im sure many will disagree. I think it depends on your DD some friends looked at Benenden and Downe House for their DD but chose Kings Canterbury she had three brothers (who all went to Eton) they just felt it would suit her better, another friend chose coed because there were no boys in their family again they felt coed would suit her better.
Will your current school prepare for CE and any pre testing that might be done?

I used to work with a women who's DH was an HM at Bloxham or an assistant HM or something similar she lived in their accommodation she said hardly any full boarders there.

Bradfield is basically weekly boarding only, nice school, doable for London and SE if you want weekly boarding I wouldn't rule weekly boarding especially as you do like to be involved, DS said has some of the best food!
Marlborough is full boarding and big nearly 1000 pupils, has a very "smart" reputation, academic, good facilities, contrary to popular belief not liberal. St Edwards less academic but improving under the new head, outstanding pastoral care, liberal therefore may not suit a helicopter mum! In Oxford which is great for weekends you can take your DD out for lunch/museum on Sunday and good train links, sporty, offers ballet and apparently music is good and drama strong, trying to provide an all round education lots of happy children.

Uppingham has in the past had a bad press on here, don't know why. All the what I call the twin set and pearls Boden clad conservative with a small c parents at DS's prep sent their DC's to Uppingham and a friend at a very "county" prep up the road from here also said the same thing.
If possible I think you need to have something in common with the majority of the parents, not just so that you've got something to say at social functions but parents do drive and affect the ethos of a school, when I look at the Win Coll parents we're all remarkably similar we've signed up to the school ethos including the hands of parenting aspect. No one could describe any if us as smart.

I understand from a friend whose DS is at Sevenoaks few full boarders especially in the lower years. Saturday school is great but not if everyone pisses off at 5 after a match leaving a handful in each house and they don't come back till late Sunday night or even worse Monday morning.

I've been thinking and I do wonder if weekly boarding wouldn't be a good option for you, one you've got a lot more choice, 2 as you're a self confessed helicopter mum and someone who says they have anxiety issues I'm wondering if you would find it less stressful. I frequently dont see my DS for three weeks, have absolutely no idea as to what he's up too or how he's doing at school, he calls once a week if he gets time, I've no idea if he's working hard or sitting with his feet on the desk, he's chosen all his subjects extra curricular activities and I let him get on with it after all it's his life. I rarely contact his HM or any other school staff I let them get on with it. His friends think we're the least pushy parents they've ever met, I'm a completely slack parent full boarding suits us (this doesn't make me a better parent than you just different). But it could be a real struggle for you if you're not like this. At least with weekly boarding you've more idea what's happening, you could be more involved without actually hovering over you DD 24/7 this might work better for you.
Just a thought

StrictlyRioja if you have time and might actually quite like the experience of visiting schools don't worry about narrowing the list down, just fit in as many school visits as possible in the next couple of years. Don't necessarily take your DD with you as her views will reflect what is important for her at her age not at 11 or beyond. It is like first-time house buying, it helps you just accumulateing experience of what is out there, seeing facilities, talking to the teachers and girls. Then by the end of year 4 you can narrow it down and do some repeat visits with your DD.
If you hate the idea of lots of school visits then assuming full boarding. select a couple of co-ed like Kings Canterbury and St Edwards (also excellent for music) , both of which suit most DCs, as well as the well known full boarding girls' schools mentioned before that are closish to London. Don't discount Marlborough either as a co-ed as lots of London families like it. If you feel lukewarm about all those schools then cast your net wider with some follow-up suggestions from here
I personally would be a bit wary from what I have gathered of Oundle for a DC who needs nurturing but that might change with the new head.
CLC has skewed their pupil mix with how they select (not an issue in year 7). It appears to be a problem rather than an advantage for the international contingent who join later and are not nessarily keen or extrovert enough to mix.

What about Wellington? Academically strong and has a dance dept. good music also.

Friends of mine for whom the spiritual and pastoral aspects were high on the priority list have been very happy with Worth for their (academic and musical) children.

Ampleforth? Obviously RC run by ?the Benedictine monks, a couple of very committed RC friends send their DC's there they talk highly of it in particular its pastoral care I'm pretty sure it's full boarding as its out in the middle of no where it check. Wellington is definitely mainly weekly boarders.
Basically unless a school clearly states on its website that it's a full boarding only or full boarding with some day pupils then it's going to be a mix of weekly possibly flexi and some full boarders but the latter are likely to be in the minority.

Have you looked at the Quaker schools? Bootham in York might work if you are happy with co-ed. I think you would get the values you are looking for.

Dancingdreamer is right, Wellington is the other obvious close to London co-ed.