DD want to board - help! I don't know where to start!

[StrictlyRioja]

Hi all - NC - I have an unusual issue: in a nutshell I fully admit I am uncontrollably a helicopter parent - and poor DD is on the receiving end. She is only in Y3 but I suffer with anxiety and I can only see things getting worse over the years.

I do so very much want her to be free to make her own decisions as she gets older but I just feel that I am letting her down as I get really anxious and worried and keep interfering and controlling everything. If I'm like this now at Y3 what will I be like when she is making important decisions later on? I don't want her to end up living my version of what I think her life should look like. And then hating me.

DD has asked if she can board from Y7 (she must sense what is coming already!) - and DH also thinks this would be a good idea.

I don't know anything about boarding schools - we live in London so anywhere within a 2 - 2.5 hour drive would be great. Can anyone help with any advice or experience - she loves learning, is quite academic, ace at music and dance. Music is v important, so is a Christian ethos (RC or CofE), and an academically challenging environment with creative learning.

Looking at the map I've pinpointed Uppingham, St Mary's Shaftesbury, Roedean, Downe House, St Mary's Ascot. Does anyone know anything about these schools ? I know they are probably all different but the main thing I am looking for is a super-friendly and supportive environment where she can learn to mature at her own pace, be accepted for who she is, make good friends for life and thrive.

My biggest worrying is bullying and I don't want her coming out of school a stuck up bitch either - any (polite!) suggestions most welcome

Many thanks in advance.

Rioja

[Michaelahpurple]

St Catherine's Bradley and the Royal school should both be on your list. You want easy reach from London and think about weekly - lots of them are now, overtly or otherwise

[Mustbetimeforachange]

This thread is 4 years old, presumably the child is about to change schools and the decision was made some time ago.

[1805]

My favourite question to ask a pupil when I visit a school is "if you could change one thing about the school, what would it be?"
I think the answer could give a good insight to school life.
If you visit a few times, and ask the question each time, you can build up a picture of the school from the view of the pupil showing you round.
I hope that helps.
(both my dc asked to board too!)

[gogglebox15]

Anyone from the other thread, and confused about above - my brother and me.

[gogglebox15]

I have DD at Sevenoaks and DS at Tonbridge - Sevenoaks is amaaaazing for not being entitled or stuck up - Malbrough/Uppingham are less supportive, Downe House is good but there is a BIG heirarchy, Sevenoaks is 30 mins on the train from London, would HIGHLY reccommend, loads of Music and Drama, and amazing academics. Can't recommend enough. As for the not screwing up your daughters life, you won't. Make sure she knows you love and trust her, and will support her no matter what. That's all children need.

[Ojoj1974]

ST Marys Shaftesbury is wonderful. The numbers are low at the moment but the new head is doing great stuff there. Its a strong contender for our DD. We too have looked a Cheltenham (CLC), its a very different proposition. Daunting at 11 yrs old but no doubt fabulous at 15.
Despite the 2 being very different I would be happy for my bright, musical DD to go to either.

[happygardening]

I don't think even Matlborough greatest fans would describe it as "nurturing", it's not a touchy feely cosy kind of school but then few big name boarding schools are (this is not a critisism of it). I'm not sure what you actually mean by inclusive? With fees coming in at 36k pa and as it's not committed to being needs blind (again no critisism few are) it's never going to be inclusive in terms of family back ground apart from it offers large bursaries to children if the clergy.If you mean inclusive in terms of academic ability it's selective, in terms of special educational needs its doesn't have a reputation for outstanding learning support for children with anything bar mild dyslexia etc again this is common to this type of school.
It's a large successful boarding school with excellent facilities and lots of opportunities, it's typical of its type.

[StrictlyRioja]

Dapple - just seen your post - thank you - we will definitely look at Marlborough - Do you have any comments about the general ethos of the school - friendly/nurturing/inclusive?

[StrictlyRioja]

Cansu - also - I have never said I am averse to weekly boarding? I too think it could be a good solution - in the right circumstances - which I have already explained.

You're making it sound as though I want to get rid of my child and hand over parenting to someone else. You have no idea whatsoever how hard all this is. I just want to do what is best for her, including respecting that she knows her own mind.

[happygardening]

I think it's great that she wants to board as I said above my DS decided he wanted to board when he was 7. Many will say a child of this age can't make those kind of decisions but I took my DS yo look at a boarding prep he looked very carefully at all aspects of it, we talked about what it actually meant, i.e. sleeping in school every night, etc, I felt satisfied that he understood all the implication, and that he still wanted to board so I agreed he could give it a go. He knew he could change his mind at any stage and come home.
Of course it's not right for all 7 year old or 11 yrs olds, 13 yr old, or even 16 yr olds you have to look at the individual child.
Boarding is a sanctuary for many children who have difficulties at home, children who don't have good relationships with their parents for whatever reason can benefit in particular, but I don't think boarding necessarily improves problematic patent child relationships because ultimately you're not addressing the cause of the problem. It is these relationships which I suspect that boarding takes its biggest "toll" on.

[StrictlyRioja]

Happy - NO - I hope not - I know I made a facetious comment about that in my opening post - I think that DD wants to go because of last para to DoSomething above - it is me who feels that there is a big risk that I will end up stifling her - that's what happened to me.

[StrictlyRioja]

Cansu - I fed up of saying this - I am not sending her away because I am controlling - but the freedom from that side of things would be a great benefit.
Besides which, WE have not even made any form decision on anything yet. Thanks for your judgey opinion though.

[StrictlyRioja]

DoSomething - Hi - and thank you - yes, I can see exactly how it comes across that way, especially in light of my post above - but as I have said - this is ONE (significant) factor but not the only one - there are many reasons why we are considering this option - and as I have also already said - it is an option - she is not committed to anything and we have a number of years yet, during which time things may change - but I suspect her desire to board probably will not. I know her inside and out and she knows what she wants. I am just saying that from my perspective her boarding may alsobe a good thing given certain other factors relating to my own anxiety. I can/will spend the next few years (as I have the last few years) working on this but in the meanwhile she is being affected - including some of the negatives you mention). There is no reason why we can't keep an open mind on both fronts. Why do I have to choose between "getting therapy" and visiting schools? I can do both (and how do you know I haven't been having therapy already?) No, boarding school will not flick an off switch in my brain - I have never suggested it would - and I have not meant to suggest I am considering boarding foremost as a solution to my own problems. This is about DD and what is best for her. Going to boarding school may well make things worse for me - but if it makes things better for her then that is fine by me.

Also, I feel the opposite to you - I feel that it is mostly her home life that has led to the lack of confidence and her (selective) shyness -I take full responsibility for that - she has had a lot of stress to deal with for someone so young - I'm not even talking about my anxiety here - there have been wider family issues (including major illness) that have impacted her - but I have seen her when she feels free and she is as bubbly and outgoing as anyone else - perhaps it's just an age thing that is holding her back- perhaps over the next few years that will drastically change.

The facts are - she loves learning - is very sociable - and very active - she is underestimated at school -her school can't provide all the stimulation she wants/needs - and nor can I - she wants to board - she is lonely as an only child - I don't think boarding is a bad idea - I think (knowing her as I do) it would improve her confidence and maturity - I think the positives outweigh the negatives - we would like to keep an open mind and do our research.



R

[happygardening]

OP do you think your DD thinks you're an over controlling mother and wants to get away from you?

[cansu]

Surely the whole point of being a parent is to be sticking your nose in and actually parenting your dd?? I totally get the reasons for boarding but I would have thought weekly boarding will give your dd more autonomy from you whilst keeping her within her family for the nurturing that she will need from her mum aged 11. This whole I am sending her away because I am controlling is complete rubbish to me.

[StrictlyRioja]

What I'm trying to explain - very badly - is - that the fact that the rest of the time [I am] trying to run things [my] way and that at a day school [I] still remain[s] very much in charge the vast majority of the time is precisely what is creating an awful and unbearable situation - I can try my best (as I have been trying) to manage this, but I am only being honest with myself when I say that I know that it will only get worse (or perhaps even just remain the same) and I will make DD's life a misery. I think it may be very difficult for me to no longer have my finger on the pulse as this is my natural default state but I am convinced that it will be in the best interests of DD and I also think it may well be good therapy for myself if I am forced to accept another position. I don't think I am explaining myself at all very well but this is not a decision I have come to lightly or indeed easily. I had a very romantic notion of what life with DD was going to be like and perhaps this was the instigator of all the problems when (real) life took another direction!) but I have to do what I think is best for DD and if it means creating in the process a new type of anxiety for myself, then that is fine as long as it liberates DD from my perpetual shadow - and who knows, it may in fact be liberating - I might enjoy a sense of freedom from anxiety myself! Here's hoping.

[DoSomethingKirsty]

I will admit to knowing very little about boarding school - I had a university friend who loved it, but the same couldn't be said for her sisters - my Grandfather was very damaged by his experience. I am however open to the idea that times change and that boarding can be a great opportunity for some children.

Having read your posts it seems to me that your desire to send your DD to boarding school is being seen as a way to fix your own anxieties and insecurities, the impression I also get is that your DD wants to get away from her over-controlling mother - neither of these should be a reason to board.

It will be another 3 years minimum before your DD starts to board; this is a long time for your behaviour to impact on her mental health. Rather than spinning round every school open day asking thousands of questions, why not spend some time getting more help for your own problems and building your relationship with your daughter, so she and you are comfortable that the decision to board (or not) is being taken for the right reasons.

The other thing I've noticed are some mixed messages about your DD from you, I do wonder if some of the negatives (not very confident, can by shy, immature) you have listed would impact on her ability to fit in at a boarding school where there is no escape to the comforts of home at the end of the day.

Several people on here have said that you cannot be a helicopter parent and have a child who is a boarder - sending your DD to boarding school will not flick an off switch in your brain, I imagine that it will just makes you worse, as you try to micro-manage from a distance.

[StrictlyRioja]

Happy - I understand completely what you are saying andI agree - the thing is that I don't want to be a helicopter parent - and if I am not able to be, all the better for both me and DD

[happygardening]

The thing that worries me if I'm being honest (please don't take this the wrong way) is that whilst I'm sure it's true that there are things at your current day school that have you frantically spinning because you can't do anything about them your DD is only there what 8 hours a day max 5 days a week, the rest of the time you are trying to run things your way, a parent at a day school still remains very much in charge the vast majority of the time, you will have your finger on the pulse of what's going on. Boarding is just not like this, I dont want to out myself here but I can tell you from experience that you a cannot be a helicopter parent or even a bit of a helicopter parent if your child is boarding.

[StrictlyRioja]

dad - aha! Thank you!

[StrictlyRioja]

HG - thank you for putting things into perspective (again!)

Some of what you said did make me smile because although the fundamental point you were making was that boarding is a completely different animal from day, some of your comments were in fact applicable to any school, boarding or day - e.g. Boarding isn't guaranteed to produce better exam results/entry into top universities, happy children or a more rounded individual (nor is day); you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink, ; Your child is obviously a priority for you but they cant make one child more important than all the [59] others (nor can any school) ; but most pertinent for me: For the "helicopter parent" boarding could be very stressful you cannot change the system if you don't like it - the same applies even to DD's current school - i.e. there are things about the way that the school is run /things are handled/ decisions made that have me frantically spinning but I can't do anything about it - but the fact that this is all under my nose on a daily basis is even worse!

I really appreciate the way you have spelt out all the potential issues - you have helped give me a real feeling for what I might potentially expect - whatever happens, at least there is no way of going onto it without my eyes fully open

[StrictlyRioja]

MaidinAmerica - hello! Thank you so much for your post - your list is very similar to mine and our DDs similar ages - maybe we will meet up at the open days or end up sending DD's to same school

I too think that it is best at this stage to consider a range academically as DD is too young yet and a lot is going to change over the next few years.

I'm now really looking forward to visiting the schools - I hope it will help me to get a good feel for the atmosphere - as long as it is friendly and super-supportive then I think that is half the battle.

I agree with your insights into WA - I know of some of girls who went there - there is usually an exodus to London e.g. Westminster or co-ed for 6th Form - they can't wait to get out!

The surprise to me has been CLC - I don't really know why I had discounted it but I'm glad several people including you are saying it is well worth a look.

Is Benenden your favourite so far? On the one hand some of the big name schools are very attractive to me because of all that they have to offer - but the only thing that worries me about them is that I think they may be too posh and full of kids with big bank accounts - I want DD to fit in and although we are comfortable enough to afford the fees - even if it means cutting down on the French wine to boost the coffers - we are not rolling in it. And even if we were, I don't think our family values would permit me to indulge DD. I want her to be happy and grounded and to make real friends. But (as I said at the outset) I don't want her to become a stuck up b.

Is that a bit chippy?

I hadn't heard the rumour about Roedean? All I've heard is that Mr Blond has taken over and has already been busy with the new broom and expectations are that it is a school to watch.

Do you know anything about the social aspects of any of these schools? Do they have any regular contact with boys' schools ? I think it's important.

Really interesting to hear your views. Hope we can keep in touch.

R xx

[Dapplegrey1]

Op - my dd loved her time at Marlborough.
The music department is excellent and did had a brilliant and inspiring piano teacher.
Miss Toomer, if you are reading this, my daughter and all the others who were lucky enough to be taught by you, are very very grateful for all you did for them.

[NewLife4Me]

HG

I totally agree, my dd reckons she has made some lovely friends that she and others look at as a second family.
They can't replace your own but being together as much as they are they gain far more than simple friendships the camaraderie encouragement and support never ceases to amaze me.
Of course it's early days for my dd yet, but the experience so far has shown good pastoral care and staff who are always happy to hear from you, be it a large or small issue, whether day or night.
I think boarding schools have to be like this in this day and age, we expect far more as parents today than in the past, we are more informed and not afraid to voice our concerns.
I do only have my narrow experience though, so sorry OP I can't comment on other schools as i have no other experience.

[dadwithadaughter]

StrictlyRioja my DW is Madeinamerica who knows much more than I do about everything, particularly Benenden.