DD want to board - help! I don't know where to start!

[StrictlyRioja]

Hi all - NC - I have an unusual issue: in a nutshell I fully admit I am uncontrollably a helicopter parent - and poor DD is on the receiving end. She is only in Y3 but I suffer with anxiety and I can only see things getting worse over the years.

I do so very much want her to be free to make her own decisions as she gets older but I just feel that I am letting her down as I get really anxious and worried and keep interfering and controlling everything. If I'm like this now at Y3 what will I be like when she is making important decisions later on? I don't want her to end up living my version of what I think her life should look like. And then hating me.

DD has asked if she can board from Y7 (she must sense what is coming already!) - and DH also thinks this would be a good idea.

I don't know anything about boarding schools - we live in London so anywhere within a 2 - 2.5 hour drive would be great. Can anyone help with any advice or experience - she loves learning, is quite academic, ace at music and dance. Music is v important, so is a Christian ethos (RC or CofE), and an academically challenging environment with creative learning.

Looking at the map I've pinpointed Uppingham, St Mary's Shaftesbury, Roedean, Downe House, St Mary's Ascot. Does anyone know anything about these schools ? I know they are probably all different but the main thing I am looking for is a super-friendly and supportive environment where she can learn to mature at her own pace, be accepted for who she is, make good friends for life and thrive.

My biggest worrying is bullying and I don't want her coming out of school a stuck up bitch either - any (polite!) suggestions most welcome

Many thanks in advance.

Rioja

"HappyGardening" - I am so glad you came on here - I have seen your posts before and you are so knowledgeable about these things I was hoping you would post!

Yes, I take the point about the travel time - but finding the right school is the most important thing and if we find one that is over 1.5 hours then we would be prepared to relocate or maybe even buy/rent a small flat for weekends. DH business is transportable and I do not work. I don't want to be too cut off from London though so 2.5hours would still apply for my sake

We would prefer full boarding because I believe that would offer the best experience. No good if half your friends are off at the weekend.

We will make a list of what we think we want the school to offer but off the top of my head and knowing DD the main emphasis will be music (she plays 3 instruments) and ballet and "lots of learning". For me, the school would have to offer the best chance of academic success, at whatever level. I don't want her to feel either stupid or smug. She is currently at a ver good GDST school which has great results and it would be nice if she could have exposure to same great teaching but with all the other benefits added on.

Yes! The videos and websites are a complete minefield! I am more confused than ever. IS it really as simple as getting a "feel" for a school on visit? This is the part I find the hardest - how to see through the planned and understand what the school is really like and whether it will offer DD what we want.

You cannot be a helicopter mum if your child's at a boarding school - that is precisely the point - I want to get her away from that. Maybe I am using the wrong term. I should explain that for me, my anxiety about outcomes leads me to get controlling and overanxious about decisions - so I want it all to be at arms length otherwise I will probably have a breakdown! I want to be supportive and not controlling and if it means sending her away so that she can make her own decisions without me dominating then so be it.

My anxiety doesn't often to extend to other people's opinions, fortunately - that's been a major impact of my therapy - the other impact is that I actually realise what I am doing and am brave enough to take these steps for the sake of my dd.

he's had opportunities he could never of had at a day school, he's adaptable, self sufficient and tolerant of others, nothing phases him, he can quickly read situations and knows how to respond, and he's a caring empathetic individual and ...he has an excellent loving well adjusted relationship with his parents and significantly better than many day children have with theirs

• HG - this is EXACTLY what I am seeking desperately to achieve !!!!

I just need massive help finding the right place to achieve this.

R

• see through the flannel (not see trough the planned haha)

Shiny - that's so good to hear! X

Jeanne this is a good point, thanks for making me aware - being isolated at weekends or not having genuine opportunities to do all the things we assume are happening would be dreadful.

If you are prepared to relocate I would visit St Mary's Ascot, Cheltenham Ladies College, Benenden and Downe House as a starting point. All full boarding and provide what you are looking for. Also consider a couple of co-ed schools even if it is just as a comparison. St Mary's has the strongest reputation as a Christian school but is obviously Catholic.
Lots of the usual very good advice here. I definitely agree with being less than one and half hours away. Cheltenham Ladies College does have a better location for teenagers than DH and few seem to want to leave for sixth form

I was also going to suggest Woldingham. Worth possibly if coed an option.

sendsummer - thanks. I have heard mixed things about CLC - mainly about the fact that theres is a disproportionately high overseas element? I don't know how to assess the point at which this goes beyond a benefit to being a negative. I don't even know what the positives or negatives are! Any thoughts?

LIZS - co-ed definitely an option and in fact preferred by DH. I have an Enid Blyton view of all girls' boarding but also worry that intensity of all girls is what can lead to "bitchy" cliques. Perhaps with boys around this might not be the case?

Do girls do as well as boys academically in co-ed?

We chose King's Canterbury for our DC.
One hour from St Pancras on the high speed means you can go down for Matches and concerts and get back the same day.
Christian (C of E ) ethos though many of the students are not Christian and religion is not force fed.
Academically selective enough to ensure there is a large, clever contingent which is important. But intake broad enough to cater for others.
Sport, music, drama, art in spades.
Full boarding or day so does not empty out at weekends.
In town which is important as they get older - they do not want to be stuck in the back of beyond.
Co-ed was important to us as we wanted to avoid the intensity of (some) all girls boarding schools.
Extraordinarily beautiful setting!

DC can start boarding at Junior Kings in Sturry (2 miles from Canterbury) from 8 but biggest intake is at 11. They can weekly board at the Junior School which makes the transition from day easier. Saturday school and games make the weekends quite short but OK if you are London based. Long weekend every three weeks.

CharleyBarley - Kings seems a bit big to me - I have the notion that the larger the school the less "homey" and more intimidating it would be for DD (or probably me actually) - but then I have no idea what I am talking about!

Why do you suggest Kings? Do you have DC there?

Ah - thank you MsMargaretHale - very useful know -

Academically selective enough to ensure there is a large, clever contingent - that is very important for us -

Just worry (as I said above) that the size of the school makes it seem a bit impersonal - ?

Junior Kings, where your DD would start at Y7, is very homely. Have a look at the Junior School website. They would not take her at 11 unless she would get into the senopr school. She would move there at 13. Girls boarding housed there are bigger - but she will be very different when she is 13.

Academically the girls do very well at King's. I have seen no suggestion that outcomes are less good for them than at single sex schools.
I just think coed is abetter preparation for university and life ingeneral.

"I would just add that you need to question the schools very closely about what happens at weekends. Very few boarding schools, even supposedly full boarding schools, insist pupils stay at weekends. The majority of UK pupils go home at weekends."
If pupils are going home at the weekend this is not a full boarding schools. Schools are very cagey about this, never forget most are struggling to fill their vacancies and want your money. You have to ask very specific questions to get the right info. I have quite a few friends who make the same complaint, they love St Elsewhere but they are so disappointed its not a full boarding school this was not made clear when they looked round and now they spend every weekend driving their child back and forth to school. Don't tough anywhere with weekly flexi boarding, make sure you and the school are in agreement about the definition of full boarding sleeping in the school 7 nights a week ans only going home on pre arranged weekends. We looked at one school for DS1 I thought the HM was being rather cagey about the actual number of full boarders so I cornered him applied the thumb screws and said "So Mr Z out of the 60 boys in this house how many were actually in school last Sunday?" "Err, well, Umm OUCH 4" Not exactly a "significant minority", "a good number" or "even quite few" friends who are less cynical than I am sent their DC to this school, "you do know its not full boarding dont you?" I said "Oh no there's lots of full boarders" they removed their DC at the end of year 11, main reason there are no full boarders the place is completely empty. Last year we attended a match at a well know boarding school on a Sunday it was like a ghost town. You could post on here and ask but make sure you only listen to current parents may boarding schools are moving away from full boarding due to demand or lack of it and its cheaper to run a weekly flexi boarding school.
"Yes! The videos and websites are a complete minefield! I am more confused than ever. IS it really as simple as getting a "feel" for a school on visit? This is the part I find the hardest - how to see through the planned and understand what the school is really like and whether it will offer DD what we want."
It is difficult visit as many times as you can preferably not just on open days where you'll only meet buffed and polished children singing the schools praises and enthusiastic staff and simpering heads. Try and go to concerts plays can you meet the children not on an open day just going about their every day life (could be difficult) Ask difficult questions, dont be swayed by manicured lawns Olympic sized swimming pools (unless your DD is a potential Olympic swimmer) and en suite bathrooms. DS2's school is actually quite tatty but after lots of visits it was the ethos that we liked I could see my DS fitting in there. At the above mentioned visit to Eton one father said in a very loud voice "For 30K+ (this was a long time ago) of course they're going to have Olympic sized swimming pools, 200 acres of playing fields and books going back to the 13th century but what I want to know is what is the ethos underpinning this place". Seek opinions on here, hopefully you get a variety of honest views if you want pushy or very musical for example ask specific questions do those replying know what they're talking about? A friends DD was a boarding school she is grade 8 in three instruments her mother thought the music offered was mediocre another mum thought it was great her DD was grade 4 in an instrument and was allowed to be in the main orchestra. Look at exam results but remember if you carefully sect the brightest and the best then you going to have the best exam results.
If you want ballet how many times a week is it offered? As an extra curricular activity once a week or three or four times a week? Can you do ballet and also be in the tiddlywinks club? Most schools run all extra curricular activities at about the same time sometimes things clash. If your DD is musical can she for example sing and play in the brass band (a friends DD discovered she couldn't as both music teachers wanted her). Or is a certain club restricted to certain age groups? Another friends DD joined a boarding school looking forward to doing a particular club it was one of the reasons she decided to board as she couldn't do it at home but once there found that she couldn't do it till year 12 this annoyed them and when other issues arose with the school they removed her there was just on to many things wrong for the money.
As I said before if it matters ask.
I'm afraid I know nothing about girls schools so cant really advise you. Lots from DS's prep went to Benenden I was told its very "girly", "not a place for a Tom Boy" all with DD's there liked it, I believe its not as selective as others (could be wrong) and but the less bright seemed to do very well. Downe House also gets lots of positive comments from friends. Would you consider coed although many coed full boarding schools don't start till yr 9 would this be a problem for you?

"Kings seems a bit big to me - I have the notion that the larger the school the less "homey"
Not true bigger schools have more resources, more to offer in terms of extra curricular activities subject choices etc. Children in most boarding schools live in houses of about 60 they spent most of their time there so it doesn't matter how big the school actually is. I would always choose big (650 +) over small any day. And I agree if its not a super selective you get more at the top end of the ability range in bigger school.

Regarding your point about your DD requesting boarding school reflecting upon you as a parent, it clearly does! It shows your DD is prepared to talk to you about something she knows you will find difficult. She trusts you to make the best decision for her. That's good parenting in my book.

I did the same thing many years ago. My mother did not want me to board and she had to suffer mean comments from so called friends about her decision, one who wouldn't even mention my name after I went.

However, I had an excellent relationship with both my parents as a teenager, something not always enjoyed by my day school friends, and continue to do so. I put this down to boarding. Being together as a family in the hols only made us appreciate each other more.

Of my friends who express a negative opinion of my DCs boarding, most are along the lines of "I couldn't send my child away to be brought up by someone else" which speaks to me more of the parents' needs than the child's.

CLC does have students from all over the world and also very local as there are reasonable number of day girls. Your best bet is to visit and visit again. Oddly you will get the "feel" of the schools you visit. With DS after three visits to his chosen school he was almost unpacking his bags and we were chatting with the Housemaster like old friends. On our 4th visit with DD to her chosen school we were sitting in the Housemistress' sitting room, having tea and chatting to the HM, girls, HM's friend, dogs...I nearly unpacked my bags.

Other schools have been impressive, excellent facilities, fabulous sports, arts facilities, etc, but didn't feel like home. Always trust a school that gives you unfettered access to the pupils. Lunch with the pupils is always good as you can chat to whomever you choose, rather than the vetted show pupils. The attitude of staff you meet in the corridor is always instructive, are they too busy or welcoming with a friendly smile and word. The more time you spend in the schools the more indicators you will pick up an you will get the "feel".

Your DD has given you a great gift in giving you plenty of time to visit, revisit and revisit. Some schools you will discount after one visit, but be careful as subsequent visits can bring out things you missed the first time round. But if you actively dislike a school don't go back, life's too short. I agree with Happy that 4 - 6 schools is enough or you will do nothing else with your weekends. In your shoes, on my list would be CLC, DH, St Mary's Ascot and Benenden.

Just to add I like coed boarding schools for girls admittedly I dont have any but I work with children and its just my gut instinct and SS for boys!

In your shoes I would go and look at 3 or 4 schools NOW.
Get a general feel of what they are like, see the dorms, the facilities etc.
See what one school highlights that another one didn't.

Only then will you have enough background to properly start thinking about what kind of school will suit your DD best.

Then you can cast your net wider whilst having a much better feel of what you are looking for.

(I am not a boarding school parent, though I am the 'product' of WA. But this approach has served us well for DD's 6th form selection).

HG - Why do you like co-ed for girls?

HG, I am not sure you are completely right. Did you say you did not have any daughters? Teenage girls are very different from boys.

Our observations.

1. Girls, particuarly London girls, become adept at escaping school at weekend. DNs at St Mary's Ascot seemed to be home almost every weekend, and a girl DD knew at Wycombe was a major fixture on the London party scene, well before sixth form.

1. Quite a lot of London girls DD knew returned to London for sixth form, from a whole range of schools. The problem then was several had to settle for tutorial colleges. Full boarding is great if you are sporty, but otherwise urban girls can find it restricting.

1. There is a bizarre MN orthodoxy which assumes all girls are the same, as in co-ed is good for girls, single sex for boys. It depends so much on which girl. Some girls need nurturing, some can hold their own from the get-go. Boys will try to dominate class time, plus extra-curricular such as debating. Top maths and science sets tend to be boy dominated. Great for a girl who can make her voice heard. Not great for one who needs to be encouraged. Similarly boys are more prone to risky behaviour, girls to forms of self harming. Not all boys, not all girls. However co-ed might be better for a child at risk as the opposite sex help input a bit of sanity. One observation, albeit from co-ed day schools, is that sports opportunities for girls are rarely on the same level as those for boys.

It needs a careful think. What is OPs daughter interested in? As in a previous post, girls interested in horses (or singing, textiles/pottery) and who might find the whole London day school thing a bit robust could do well at Mayfield (Catholic), where there would be a mix of local girls and full boarders from overseas and where the intake is mixed ability but bright girls seem to do well. In contrast an urban child with a lot of get-up and go might like Marlborough, or prefer being in a town like Cheltenham.

And remember lots move for sixth form. It does not need to be a forever decision.

If co-ed have a look at the trio of Oundle, Oakham and Uppinham. Oundle is definitely full boarding. All slightly different from each other. Also Rugby school. As others have said, main question to ask is if they empty out after games on a Saturday. I am going through a similar process and have the opposite problem. I want weekly boarding!!

HG co-ed would be something we would like to consider - DH particularly keen on this - I think would be good from a social point of view - just need reassurance that it wouldn't have an adverse effect on achievement.

13+ entry not a problem as she is a GDST which goes through to 18.

DO you have any co-eds that you know about that you would particularly recommend?

Can I put you in my pocket when I go visit?

Teen - think that would be a good plan - just need now to identify the schools to visit!

Spike - thank you for your kind words - I just want her to be happy, feel free and value her family. No matter how hard I tried, 24/7 at home would stifle her. I will add CLC to the (ever-growing!) list. XX

Ah hello Needmoresleep! Another familiar voice!

This is DD:

small (looks about 2 years younger than she is)
bright ( I'd say top third at least out of 24 in a very good academically selective school)
very musical
not terribly sporty
dancer
very friendly and outgoing
BUT
not terribly confident (has been bullied)
can be shy at first (this is improving as she gets older)

emotional development not as advanced as intellectual - which creates frustration (in her). Her behaviour can be immature at times as she tries to "play a part" - this can be annoying for peers - again, we're hoping this will resolve as she "matures" or is exposed to a better environment.

Compliant / under confident at school - wild / extrovert at home and around people she knows.

Needs nurturing to bring out her (considerable) underlying confidence which then needs firm handling and direction!

Anyone any ideas what to do with that??

R