DD want to board - help! I don't know where to start!

[StrictlyRioja]

Hi all - NC - I have an unusual issue: in a nutshell I fully admit I am uncontrollably a helicopter parent - and poor DD is on the receiving end. She is only in Y3 but I suffer with anxiety and I can only see things getting worse over the years.

I do so very much want her to be free to make her own decisions as she gets older but I just feel that I am letting her down as I get really anxious and worried and keep interfering and controlling everything. If I'm like this now at Y3 what will I be like when she is making important decisions later on? I don't want her to end up living my version of what I think her life should look like. And then hating me.

DD has asked if she can board from Y7 (she must sense what is coming already!) - and DH also thinks this would be a good idea.

I don't know anything about boarding schools - we live in London so anywhere within a 2 - 2.5 hour drive would be great. Can anyone help with any advice or experience - she loves learning, is quite academic, ace at music and dance. Music is v important, so is a Christian ethos (RC or CofE), and an academically challenging environment with creative learning.

Looking at the map I've pinpointed Uppingham, St Mary's Shaftesbury, Roedean, Downe House, St Mary's Ascot. Does anyone know anything about these schools ? I know they are probably all different but the main thing I am looking for is a super-friendly and supportive environment where she can learn to mature at her own pace, be accepted for who she is, make good friends for life and thrive.

My biggest worrying is bullying and I don't want her coming out of school a stuck up bitch either - any (polite!) suggestions most welcome

Many thanks in advance.

Rioja

Hi all - thank you ALL so much for all the input.

HG I would consider weekly - but I think it may allow too much scope for me to stick my nose in. I'm trying to be brave and to do the right thing by DD - which is to step back and let her go. If I'm sniffing around every week (which I'd love to!) she will feel that.

Also, weekly boarding would have to mean everyone (or at least a significant percentage) going home - not just a random few or even half and half. In other words, whatever she is signed up for - I want it to be the norm. I knew of a lovely girl who had a terrible time at QAC - first there was a big divide between day girls and boarders - she was day and transferred to boarding and that didn't go down too well. She was weekly and was in a dorm with everyone who was full boarding. She was so left out.

That being said, I do like the sound of Bradfield, and still keen on Uppingham - although - Happy - I am definitely not twinset and pearls Boden mummy - where do Rioja mums send their DC?

Can anyone give me a reason to love Marlborough?

Marlborough is a big school, academically successful and with lots and lots of outstanding facilities, it's full boarding with a handful of day pupils, it has I am very reliably informed an excellent music dept, and the food is good. Marlborough the town is a small safe pleasant town with some nice shops. Some boarding houses eat in house which I personally like, they organise activities on Sunday's. It's near the M4 so easily accessible if you live in London especially if you're West, central London.

Some people look at it and don't like it bit it is one of the few that are oversubscribed (so plenty do like it) so no guarantee of a place.

We looked at Bradfield for 6th form. Totally underwhelmed. That was 4 years ago and a Head has come and gone since then. It needed to pull its socks up and improve facilities. Lots of the school appeared tired and the open day was a bit of a shambles.

I suggested Queenswood because, I think you might find a school that welcomes parents to have some involvement. This, together with flexi boarding, may help you a lot. It is very academic at the top end and there are plenty of activities. You collect girls on a Friday if they have no Saturday commitment but there are lots of House activities and social events for parents to attend. You are not "involved" in the academic side of the school and there is no need for girls to be in touch with parents all the time, or indeed you with them. The social side of the school gives parental involvement with the school but not helicoptering their own children. Lots of parents like this balance and it does offer everything you want.

Girls are very busy there and expectations are high. It is sporty and drama is the best.

Bojo - thanks so much - Queenswood looks like a lovely school but I don't think it will be for DD - for the reasons given just above I am not keen on flexi boarding. Also Queenswood having good sport & drama is no good for DD who is all music and dance.

Happy - do you think Marlborough would suit my DD"s profile as given earlier?

And why do some parents not like it?

HG, the girls I knew who escaped a lot at weekends were at St Mary's Ascot and Wycombe, as full boarding as you get. You mention Winchester. Perhaps the reson Winchester does not take girls is that the sort of boarding/school environment that it offers really does not suit girls. Schools (Charterhouse and Westminster to name but two) who take girls in the sixth form offer a very different experience at that point. Boarders are a noticeably visible part of the London Party Circuit, as day pupils don't seem to have the same need to escape. (Though to be fair I am not aware of Winchester boys being part of this. DS's friend who went there is very very posh, but nice and hard working.)

(FWIW we also knew an Etonian who seemed to be rarely at school. My guess was that he was unhappy there and the school recognised this.)

OP, I'm not sure adding ever more (and slightly random) schools to your list will help. Boarding school may be part of the solution to the problems stemming from your anxiety and your daughter's response. But simply "farming out" parenting won't be.

When our DD saw an Ed Phych for her dyslexia I was impressed by the astute questions she asked her about her school. She was happy there but not everyone was, and it was clear that the Ed Phych was aware of this. Neighbours had a similar experience with a child with more serious MH problems. The Phycologist their daughter saw ruled out a couple of potential secondary schools (Including the one you don't like the sound of) as being completely the wrong environment.

Many school consultants seem mainly focussed on finding schools for overseas pupils, but I wondered whether there is someone informed who could first assess your child and then help identify the right place. Not least to uncover why your daughter wants to board. The wrong choice could be very difficult. And as I said earlier we have come across plenty of London kids who have not enjoyed being "sent away".

I also wonder about your seeming acceptance that you are not a good mother. I am sure you are. And anyway all you need to be is a "good-enough" mother. You don't seem to think you are good enough and your husband and daughter seem to have accepted this. It does not sound right. So whilst boarding may be part of the solution, with the proviso that it has to be the right school for your child, I don't think that is the problem. And finding a fit may depend of which child, the quieter less confident child that is seen at school, or the child who acts out at home, is the real one. Finding somewhere where she feels safe and secure would seem to be the priority. And weekly boarding if possible, as you are her parents and you love her, and in my view this is important .

Take care.

Needmore - yes I agree that the list is becoming long and overwhelming - I do need to take a good look and consider what I feel makes a good fit.

I am not "farming out" parenting - I am trying to do what is best for my DD - and this is based on taking into consideration a lot of factors, of which my anxiety and DD's personality are but 2 (albeit significant) factors.

I think that the idea of a school consultant is a good one - DD has already been assessed by an Ed Psych - the result being she is bright but underestimated and needs more stimulation - I do my best to keep up with it all but I do find it all rather exhausting and it is one of the areas that I feel a good boarding school environment could help with. I just feel that she is being limited at school and she needs exposure to lots of different things - I can't provide all that on my own.

She wants to board because she is ultra sociable and ultra active and as an only child (as much as I try to do lots of things to socialise her after school) I think she misses having company of her own age and things to do.

As for me - I do not beat myself up. I know what I am and I am accepting of who I am whilst trying to work on things that I am not happy with. DH agrees boarding is the way to go because he thinks it will be good for DD rather than because of anything to do with me.

And yes - I absolutely agree that finding the right fit is crucial which is why I posted in the first place. Which is the real her? I believe it is the fun loving extrovert - just that the school environments and cliquey girls she has been exposed to thus far have suppressed it.

I really thank you (and all the MNers) for taking the time to post. I find your comments invaluable in helping me to find a way forward.

R xx

Rioja, I am sure you are not, and I did not mean to suggest it. Hence the inverted commas.

And without wanting to start a boarding/non boarding debate I don't think there is a right answer. Its a bit like co-ed and single sex. Good for some, not good for others. I can see why it might work well for an only child. But also wanted to flag up an observation that London children don't always enjoy a less urban environment. One thing though is that children also need their parents, and so I don't get the full boarding is better than weekly boarding MN orthodoxy. One mum told me that weekly boarding had been great for them. Her DS had this busy busy school life, and then came home and nested. He tended not to go out, but enjoyed being in his bedroom, with the family and just having down time. And they enjoyed him being there.

I did worry that you sounded a bit down on yourself. You sound lovely.

I know you didn't mean it - and I wasn't offended at all -

On the weekly boarding thing - as I've said few times, my only issue is that it's fine if everyone is doing it but not if it's a mish-mash of full\weekly\flexi - I just don't think that would work for DD. If she was coming home on the weekend when others were staying on she wouldn't like that. Also, coming home for just one night every Saturday night might be exhausting (for DD) and counterproductive over coming home every 3 weeks for a full weekend and really looking forward to it. But if everyone was coming home on Fri eves, say and going back Sunday night then that would be fine. Main thing is I would like her to feel happy and fulfilled. I just feel that busting a gut to come home every weekend would be more to please me than to please her and I just want her to be (genuinely) happy to see me.

You're right though - I probably am down on myself more than I should be.

And thanks for saying I am lovely - I'm working on feeling it

I hate to chuck another school into the equation, but consider Brighton college, it's an hour on the train (as well as the various school buses from around Kent)

It is predominantly weekly boarding, no Saturday school, so DD could come home Friday and return Sunday night/Monday am. This would possibly be a lovely solution. I know that I'd prefer my son home at weekends (he's a full boarder)

Derek -thank you - genuinely - but - aaaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!!!

We have just started preliminary searching for boarding schools in the area you are looking at. My DD is 6 yrs very confident only child and we think she might well benefit from boarding.

Here's a few comments from recent inspections

Wycombe Abbey

Girls not as messed up as we thought but not a lot of joy there. Need to be bright and resilient to do well there

Cheltenham Ladies College

Very impressive. Big school but they talk a very good story. By far the most impressive presentation - almost entirely unscripted and almost exclusively by students of all types. Clearly committed to future women leaders. Seem to be very caring in the houses.

St Mary's Ascot

Catholic. According to my wife, small and nurturing. Phenomenal results from teaching rather than from selection. Probably my wife"s favourite.

Benenden

My wife was blown away by this place. Amazing design and technology facility and ethos.

Downe House and St Swithuns

Both were a bit soulless compared to CLC but crammed with happy English girls having a great time doing work and play

Hope this helps a bit

^Needmore* all the boarders at Marlborough, St Edwards and Radley like Win Coll are definitely not allowed out weekends to attend the London party scene. A friends DD at Kings Canterbury also wasn't allowed out on Saturday night to attend even the Kent party scene let alone the London one.
As I said above I'm not disputing it's happening at some so called full boarding schools but it's not happening at the full boarding schools I'm familiar with.
OP it's impossible to say if your DD would suit Marlborough, you she's only 7/8 yrs old, i remember (just) when my DS was that age go you just can't imagine how they'll be in two years time let alone 6. Go and look at it ideally without her, and as part of a general reccy of possible boarding schools that take your fancy, register her if you like it and when she's a bit older; say yr 5 go back again and have another look. If your not familiar with boarding which I assume your not go a look at quite a few even the ones you don't necessarily like the look of on paper, that way you'll start to get a feel for what's the norm in boarding schools, you'll see how house staff generally behave, you'll hopefully start to get an idea about what sort of HM would work well for you, basically the more you look the more you'll develop an idea of what you personally are looking for.
You say you want a Christian ethos how much of a Christian ethos do you want? Few of the big name schools wil do more than I mentioned up thread as most welcome all religions

HG. Again. Aren't schools like Radley and Winchester boys only so I don't really understand why you use them as your reference points for a thread about girls schools. They are also much further from London than St Mary's Ascot and Wycombe and OP was asking for schools near London. I have both a boy and a girl and my experience is that they have had different needs. DS would have been happy (weekly) boarding though I doubt he would have wanted to leave London. DD definitely needed to stay at home. As a result I don't really understand this purism about the need for 'full boarding'. What I do know is that whilst boarding seems to have been a fantastic success for your son, it does not suit everyone and some boarders seem to work hard to maximise time spent back in London.

dad Thanks for your post - really helpful.

Disappointing about Downe House. What did you\your wife make of the pastoral care at Benenden?

As HG (and others) suggests, I am going to start looking around so I can start to fathom what's what. Will definitely have CLC, Benenden and St Mary's Ascot (and sister school Shaftesbury) on my list.

And Marlborough it seems, despite my one acquaintance with one of its products!

Will you be seeing any more schools? It would be good to keep in touch given we are in a similar position.

R

HG - I will definitely take a look at Marlborough - I have had several other people praising it recently as well, so they must be doing something right.

needmore and HG - I think you should get together for a virtual cup of tea and agree to disagree - if only to prevent me from having an anxiety attack -

R x

Needmore I'm not sure why you're arguing with me? Yesterspday I picked up on your comment "Very few boarding schools even full boarding schools insist that their pupils stay in at the weekend" and that at these children join the London party scene at the weekends. As I said I'm not disputing this is happening but my point is that if this is occurring then these schools are not full boarding schools they are weekly boarding schools. I've given you examples of both single sex and coed schools where I know this doesn't happen it's got nothing to do with transport time to London both Winchester and London are only 1 hour away and many parents live in London and I'm sure many would like to go it's simply because the schools are full boarding schools and children are expected to stay in the school 7 nights a week.
I'm not an advocate of only full boarding, if you read my other comments you will see I have suggested that the OP might be better of considering weekly boarding. But what I do know and many others on here will agree if you want full boarding. for whatever reason; you live too far from the school to schlep down there every weekend to pick then up, you're abroad, you hate your children and you want to see them as little as possible, you have another secret family and at the weekend you see them or you just like what full boarding offers then you need to choose a school that is a full boarding school not a mixture of weekly, flexi and full boarding or your DC will spend the weekend living in what is effectively a ghost town with a couple of other pupils. As I've already stated the commonest reason our friends have moved their DC's from their so called full boarding schools is because they were not full but weekly boarding school, all admit now that if they'd questioned staff more carefully when they first viewed these schools then they would have discovered this before stumping up considerable sums for something they wanted but weren't getting.
Conversely I've met parents at Winchester who moan that they discovered once their DS had actually started there that it's a full boarding school, and not a weekly boarding school or even more bizarrely a day school. A couple seemed to think that once their DS had joined the school then after a few months they would be allowed to become either weekly boarders or day boys they were annoyed to be told they couldn't do this. I frankly find this extraordinary as it clearly states on its website that it's a full boarding school and by the time your DS has started at the school you've visited the place umpteen times and been through a long admission procedure, you would have thought you'd either have worked this out for yourself or if you were still in doubt ASKED.
I'm standing by my original comment if it matters to you in particular if you want a certain type of boarding then enquire very carefully and check that you're at the right school for the type of boarding you want.

Sorry meant to add in the absence of an olive branch (although this would be an appropriate smiley on Easter Sunday) and to both the OP and needmore. OP I hope you enjoy Easter Sunday.

I must say I agree with HG on full boarding from the point of view that prep schools often say they are full boarding and when you start you realise that a huge number go home on Saturday.Unless you live very close this is not possible for everyone.My son who is nine wants to stay for all the activities at the weekend and loves the relaxed atmosphere( he feels totally at home).He just wishes all his friends were there too.He would now only be interested in full boarding for senior school which means are choices are limited.A school out on the middle of nowhere where rugby is played all week and most go home at the weekend would be a nightmare for my son.So many are just that.

I haven't read the whole thread but given the OP's comments about her and DD's personality traits and interests, I have an outside the box comment to add!

Take a look at Sauveterre for the Summer term in year 6. It would really help your DD hit the ground running when she starts at her new school in year 7.

www.sauveterre.net

I am a non-Boden, non twinset wearing, non pearl owning, non conservative Uppingham parent . And I'm not the only one , although there are plenty that fit that description.

I has worked very well for us - one DC through the school and another still there. However there will be a change of headmaster this year, and who knows what that will bring.

I have some experience of Queenswood and it's not to my knowledge full boarding.

I'm happy to answer any questions via PM

And should have said - Uppingham is currently full boarding (that was an important criterion for us). There is one fixed exeat a year, in the first term (it used to only be for the new boys and girls, but now the whole school takes it); and DCs can take one optional exeat each half term if they wish.

All the schools you have listed are great- it really is subjective and I do think you have to go off your "gut feel". We visited all the schools that you list and chose Downe House. I have two daughters there- they are very different, one outgoing and confident, the other quieter and more bookish. I do agree with some of the other posters, 2 1/2 hours is quite a way to travel to the school. I have to say, if we hadn't chosen Downe, we would have gone for Benenden. Good luck.