Independent school visit- DD put off by pupils

[DrTinkle]

We went to a really great school today which will offer DD so many opportunities, we did the tour and she met the teachers and was able to correctly do all the tasks they asked her to have a go at. She is at a state school, is a very high performer and well liked. The school we looked at is academically selective and we are advised DD will get in.

So far so good but she was put off as the pupils doing the tour were very nice but over confident, precocious and, well, a bit odd. One girl was stealth boasting that she was so disappointed to only get an A rather than A* in her worst subject at end of year tests and D found the whole attitude off putting. Their over confidence just felt sort of at odds with our working class ways- does that make sense?

Thought perhaps the precocious ones had been pulled out to impress parents and reassured DD that there will be a more normal spread of people day to day. Have emailed to see if we can visit on a normal day. None of us went to private selective type school, do you think there is there a chance DD just won't fit in?

Also why are you branding her comments " stealth boasting " .?

Because that's what it was. I quote: I'm soo rubbish at French, well actually that's not true I just didn't spend any time on it because I was so busy with my other 2 languages and most children only do one. But anyway I only got an A grade but I should've got an A. None of the others got A.

How is that not a stealth boast? Her friend then carried on in the same vein, it was like a contest. If DD said that I'd stop her (but she wouldn't say it) (but she might end up like at if she goes there and then I'd have to disown her).

Yourethe1 - I would have taken that as rather bland humour.

But obviously I wasn't there to see how they said it.

Oh dear. My DD's school had an open day today and DD was touring families round the school. I hope she wasn't the girl who showed you round!

Please be aware of the flip side. The school will have drilled into the kids that they need to be on their best behaviour and to show the school in its best light.

Open Days never show the school in its true light. It's more of a showcase day so do, definitely, go back on a normal school day and see what it is like in a more workaday atmosphere.

DrT that sounds like banter between friends to me ...

I agree with gruach you need to look at other schools too and find out if it is that school or you. And either way I think you need a second visit before you decide.

Although I don't have the money, I and therefore dd are middle class through and through. She's confident and outgoing anyway, and in fairness always did have that positive, not precocious, confident air associated with being middle class/ private schools.
She is on a scholarship (y7) topped up with a bursary, having gone to a non leafy state primary. She's aware of the income difference, however so far it doesn't seem to be making any difference, she's fitted in brilliantly, even with pre established friendship groups from the normal private feeders/ posher state primarys. I don't know if in part that's down to intake though, it's not a wags type place, more old country money and those desperate to avoid dodgy state options than snobby iyswim.

I do get what you mean in part though. Neither dds school or another led to any impression dd wouldn't fit in. However at a third, I did heavily pick up a vibe that being either of working class roots or funded, would have made things harder.

Gruach. No humour whatsoever. She went on to explain why to me.

Wasn't a joke, she meant it I obviously set her pleb radar off

Okay, that was bad.

It's just a zealous over confidence / superiority thing, I did wonder how they would cope with 'real' life and it's disappointments, once they left the school bubble.

They cope just fine . There is nothing wrong with having high self esteem and as much confidence as possible. If you felt intimidated by a child then I think it says more about your sense of self worth than hers. Doing yourself down and being negative/not liking yourself doesn't tend to get people very far, self deprecation is not a valuable life skill.

In that environment achievement is valued, they may well have thought they were selling the school well discussing their grades like that.

Ha! DrTinkle "we're not even badly off ourselves" - in response to my post. Could that possibly be perceived as a "stealth boast"?

It wasn't banter, it was odd. It might have been put on to impress us but I think it was possibly a cultural thing (culture of school, family, I don't know). and they were definitely not old money. I just don't want Dd becoming like that, i'd be horrified. I'm sorry if anyone thinks hideous over confidence is a good thing, perhaps it is I don't know. But I do find it annoying.

My experience of teenage relatives who were at a private school was that they went on a lot about test marks (let alone examination grades) - it is obviously the common currency of their conversations. Now this is maybe not a bad thing to pick up from an educational establishment!

I understand what you mean as I found it made me uncomfortable because although I was brought up to be studious and aim high the unspoken rule was not to broadcast this!

No I'm just explaining that being working class doesn't mean we're poor or intimidated by wealth (or anything else). I just don't think superiority is a great trait. I don't see too many superior types among us working classes so it always throws me a little.

Yes but that doesn't sound like "hideous over confidence", it sounds like regular high confidence appropriate for the situation.

There are some people out there who seem to think that if you say anything good about yourself or discuss any achievement you are hideously over confident/arrogant etc. I don't know if that is your outlook OP but maybe it is.

Do you really want your daughter to be a constantly self deprecating person, not celebrating her achievements etc?

They also may well have been told to pepper the conversation with those kind of remarks, don't forget that.

DH attemded a school like this and as I frequently mention to him don't forget that most people are mere mortals. He is very confident and also works in an arena where people suck up to him, I attempt to bring him down to earth.

I am not in the UK but have toured many private/independent high schools over the past 5 years when picking schools for my children (all 3 go to different schools god am I glad I won't have to do that again) and I think if you get a feeling from your visit that the school is not for your family, then you should listen to it. In my experience even though many private schools have wealthy/very wealthy pupils, that doesn't translate into all of them having the same culture/ethos. There were a few schools where we barely made it through the tour before knowing we did not want our child in that culture. It isn't wealth and privilege. If you pick a private school education you are going to be among the well off and privileged, it is more what the school stands for and what it wants its pupils to become in terms of character. They are not all the same even if the mission statements/visions are often similar. And for me, how the actual students of the school come across would be a good way of deciding what the school really is about.

I dont want DH to be self deprecating btw but he is arrogant sometimes in a way that is most certainly not nice.

They also may well have been told to pepper the conversation with those kind of remarks, don't forget that.

I think that is likely - and tells you a lot about the school and what it is offering.

Also OP, if you can afford to send your child to private school/are considering it seriously, I think you can let go of this "I'm just so working class and salt of the earth" thing. If you're paying expensive school fees, you're not really a "normal working class person" anymore.

Maybe but they were just too much. We discuss and celebrate achievements yes. We avoid boasting to the degree it becomes nauseating to hear. I just kept thinking, would I employ these people and the answer was no.

Isn't the over-confident/ world-is-my-oyster attitude what you pay private schools to instill in your children? It certainly works

Don't you want your daughter to join the flicky hair brigade?

Yes that's it canyouforgiveher, "what the school wants its pupils to become in terms of character". The concern for me (I appreciate others may value zealous self promotion as a trait) is if the school is producing/encouraging this type of character. Which isn't something I want to develop in my child.

ubik1 lol. I just want her to get a chance to be well educated. That is more likely if I pay for education where I live, sadly. If she flicks her hair I will just cut it off.

OP, why don't you try another school? Surely other independent schools exist in your area? You obviously don't like it, so it's a no-go area from now on, to be honest.

Remember the children showing you around are just that - children. Some will behave in gauche, gobby ways.

I'd be more concerned that your daughter struggles to 'get with the programme' at this school.

she needs the confidence to fit in with Annabel, Tristan and Otis. She will have miserable time if she clings to some perceived WC superiority as an identity.
By the same token, you will have to embrace hockey and skiing, year round tans and a pervasive sense of entitlement.

You need to think about whether your daughter can handle that and turn it to her advantage - and whether you are willing to let her do that.