Parents of boarders - please help! (Re: homesickness)

[Sundressandsandals]

Dd 1 (13) has just started boarding school last weekend. She's new to the school after living overseas most of her life and we're in the UK until Christmas, when we'll be moving to a remote country where the education at secondary level is not of the standard we want for her.

We all recognise that in an ideal world we would all be together, but that the school she is now attending will enable her to be settled for her last 5 years of school and offers opportunities that she wouldn't have with us.

But she is so, so homesick and my heart is breaking. We've not spoken on the phone (having been told that voices from home just exacerbate homesickness in the first weeks) but have been instant messaging in the evenings and she seems to be spending most of her out of school hours in tears. She's being supported by the (very nice) matron and housemistress, who have been keeping in contact with us, but she is so utterly miserable.

Have your dcs been through this? Will it get better? Can you have such an unhappy start and get through the homesickness to a point where you can be happy boarding, or do some children never settle to it? I'm feeling so wretched at putting her through this - please share your stories.

Thank you for listening.

Boarding school probably has changed in the last generation. But they are still filled with children who aren't growing up within the daily structure of a normal family life.

And I fail to see how any boarding school parent can be 'very hands on' with their child when their child is physically many miles away, if not a continent away, for two thirds of the year?

And weekend trips to Disneyland Paris and Harry Potter are also attainable for children who are growing up within the family home every day.

I have met plenty of families who are physically in the same house and yet are emotionally miles apart and absolutely not hands on despite that closeness. And I'm not sure that all non boarders are growing up in the daily structure of normal family life. What an ideal world that would be. Read the papers, there Are plenty of non boarding kids growing up in less than ideal family conditions.

I still shudder at the memory of homesickness - the only other time I have been so utterly miserable has been as a result of the deaths of close family members, and miscarriages. The fact that I remember it so vividly after decades speaks volumes for the effect it had on me. Though I more or less recovered each time, for a long time it came back in all its glory each time I returned to school after a home visit or holidays. Yes, there were times when I enjoyed school and I had opportunities I would not have had at home - but, having said that, they were in general opportunities that would have been available at a good day school. I would only subject my child to that if I had absolutely no alternative.

You can't 'give it a year!!'
have you forgotten how much slower time passes when you are a child, let alone an unhappy one! If she hasn't signifiantly improved after 6 weeks you need to pull her out.
It must be some job to put it before your DD!

I'm sure you have overseasmum. But we're not talking about that.

I was refencing the posters who describe themselves as being normal, loving, engaged parents who are 'very hands on'.

And yet through personal choice have elected to spend two thirds of the year living many, many miles, if not whole countries, apart from their child.

To me, it's a contradiction in terms. How can you possibly describe yourself as very hands on and closely engaged in your child's life when you live in another country to them for most of the year.

I have met plenty of families who are physically in the same house and yet are emotionally miles apart and absolutely not hands on despite that closeness. And I'm not sure that all non boarders are growing up in the daily structure of normal family life. What an ideal world that would be. Read the papers, there Are plenty of non boarding kids growing up in less than ideal family conditions.

what the heck has that got to do with anything?

Well, quite Brioche.

So, some children are growing up in emotionally distant families, despite all living under the same roof?

So is the solution to send all children away to boarding school to stop such things happening?

It frankly astounds me that clearly educated, articulate people proffer such spurious justifications for choosing to live apart from their own child for two thirds of the year.

What I have never understood (and I come from a social class where boarding, at least for boys, is considered quite normal) is why it is seen as desirable that a 13 year old should get over wanting to be with her family. 13 year olds are supposed to be with their families!

Dearie me looks like I've touched a nerve. So you are allowed an opinion and others are not. Sounds like you are allowed to judge and wield the axe but when someone else offers an opinion you turn to scoffing. Incredibly defensive behaviour. Give the family a chance to settle. I am sure they will do what's necessary if and when it's necessary and because they have thought it through rather than feeling pressured into it by others. They don't need a guilt trip.

Whore

We have gone from 24/7 as we H. edded our dd to her boarding.
I can assure you I'm more hands on now than i have been for years.
She talks openly to me, we spend more time together as a family at the weekends, she skypes me every night.
I know exactly what she is doing at school during each hour, not like our local state schools.
She worked out that with holidays, weekends, exeat and long weekends she will be at home far more than at school.
I have no idea where you get your 2/3 of the year from.
Have you visited a boarding school recently?

You didn't touch a nerve- because you didn't make sense! You might have done if your point had been comprehensible.

Sorry Bert neither post was for you

BertrandRussell

I can only speak for myself and maybe our situation is different, but the end result is the same i.e a dd who boards.

Our dd loves her school and looks at it as a second home and a second family having finally found a school where she fits in and isn't considered weird or a freak. She is surrounded by like minded people and is even asking to stay at weekends now.
I love my dd like nothing else in this world and I miss her terribly.
As parents we had to make this difficult decision and for us it had nothing to do with social status.
Until recently I had never met a boarder/ family of a boarder and not been in a financial position to consider it with any of our children.

"And weekend trips to Disneyland Paris and Harry Potter are also attainable for children who are growing up within the family home every day."

Of course they are, LaQueen. But my point was that boarding school today is not like in the past where you have umpteen beds to a room, cold baths/showers, weekends full of hockey on a cold wet pitch. They do try to make it quite nice for the children.

Well my DS shared a room up until yr 12 sometimes 8 in the room but frankly neither he nor I could care less, he personally doesn't play hockey but I'm sure some do spent a wet cold Saturday afternoon playing it but then only because they want to as there is no compulsory or main sport at his school and he's not gone to Disney Land (my and his idea of hell on earth) or the equally awful Harty Potter with the school either senior or prep. I suspect I'm not a very hands on parent either I genuinely have never felt a need to micro manage my DC's lives I have enough trouble managing my own, but we have an excellent and close loving relationship with each other. He has a myriad of opportunities that he would never have had at a day school state or independent and most importantly he's a happy well adjusted, emotionally perceptive pcaring individual who's receiving an intellectually challenging education, that's good enough for me.

Only in the inverse reality of MN can actually 'wanting to live day to day with your own child' be disparaged as micro managing and overly controlling. Only on MN

My dd shares a room with 2 other girls one is the same school year the other is a year younger in Y6.
It's hard to get a word in edgeways when we skype as they are all 3 very roudy.
At weekend they usually have a variety of fun activities arranged by the house masters.
They go to local attractions, play games, pizza and film, cinema, theatre, ice skating and other local facilities. You can have them accompanied to church if you like.
You can visit and take them out anytime you like, as long as they have nothing of importance to do.
The thing I like best is that out of all 3 of our dc, dd will be the only one where it will be easy to take an interest and support what she is learning. The state schools our other dc attended were dismal and it was almost impossible to navigate the mess the schools offered.

Only on MN can complete strangers accuse you of being a neglectful uncaring parent because you send your DC to a boarding school.
Over the years I've met many parents who themselves wouldn't board their children but not one has ever suggested that I don't care about my DC's because it so bloody obvious that I do or suggest that boarding will turn them into seriously damaged individuals who are unable to form close relationships with others and will be hands off parents (that's a new one).
I work with dysfunctional crap so "hands off" parents that are neglecting their children, weirdly not one has been to boarding school. I also know a few wealthy MC parents, (who are very successfully keeping under the radar of SS) who are so wrapped up in the their work/personal lives that they are very hands off boardering on neglectful, none of those have been to boarding schools, most have children at day schools being looked after all hours by au pairs childminders etc and there children would probably be better off at a boarding school.
You cannot generalise, what works for one doesn't work for others, their are crap parents and unhappy children in day and boarding schools, conversely there are very happy children in boarding schools and day schools who have excellent loving happy relationships with parents.
One of the positives about boarding is that it teaches you that we're all different that there is more than one road to Rome and that we don't all have to do things the same way. It also teaches you tolerance.

OP - is this a school where most start at 11? If so, in wonder if that is the problem. New starters en masses will tend to have a whole programme set up for them, whereas your DD will be more of the odd one out and trying to break into established friendship groups, which is particularly hard for girls at that age. Hopefully the staff get that and will manage to help her find a way through, but I feel for you all in the meantime.

I occasionally show my son (full boarding - which actually means in practice it is at most 2 weeks if that between me seeing him) some of the threads on Mumsnet where people say that it is not natural for a teenager to board. He just laughs, in a kind of a "Mum, someone is always wrong on the internet" way. Maybe it is me who is wrong. But really truly I believe that my DS has had the best past 5 years he could. He thinks it was great. School stuff and home stuff. We are a close family. It isn't like the Pevenseys where they go off and spend 20 years in Narnia before you see them again. The 2/3 of a year is misleading. And the last time I looked, boarding isn't compulsory , so if it doesn't work for your family, don't do it.

That said , after a sensible period of settling in, if a child does not take to it or is unhappy - of course have another plan. That surely is common sense, but 10 days doesn't seem to me to be that period of time.

I went to boarding school in the 70's, it was a totally different world then, my parents lived overseas and we all grew up knowing we'd probably go to B/S for secondary and while it was not perfect it really wasn't that bad, I still have friends from those days who I am in touch with.
My parents were/are great though, we had fabulous holidays abroad and if they argued or smashed each others stuff or chucked each others stuff out of the car window they did it when we were not around and school never made us do embroidery for the village church kneelers.

Not saying you don't care. Not saying you don't love.

Am saying you can not be physically hands on and physically present in the same way as an engaged parent who lives under the same roof as their children year round. You just can't.

Skype is clever. But it's a pale photocopy of sitting next to your DC on the sofa and chatting about your day. You can't hug via Skype. Neither, via Skype, can you absentmindedly kiss the top of their head as you walk past.

If you live with your child you never have to find out, remotely, hours later that your child was sick in the night. You know. Because you were there, holding their hair out of the way as they threw up into a bowl, and then sat at the end of their bed at 3am while they fell asleep. And this isn't being suffocatingly controlling, or trying to micro manage your child. You're just there. Taking care of them.

You say you are more closely familiar with their daily school routine than most families are at a state school? But what does that translate as exactly? You have read the course layout, seen lesson breakdowns, read detailed reports from teachers, presumably?

But if you live with your child, you get their personal feedback on lessons. Face to face. Every day. With those subtle intonations and mannerisms that just don't really translate through Skype.

Human communication is only, I think, 20% verbal? If your main communication with your child is via Skype, email and texts, no matter how often, that's an awful lot of communication you are simply not engaging in.

If you live, day to day, with your child you can tell what sort of school day they've had simply by how they walk in the door. There are 1001 tiny gestures and interactions which create a really textured family life. A quick smile across the kitchen, hearing them singing in the shower, a quick hug as you pass them on the landing. It can be spontaneous, and haphazard but it's happening and building every day.

It's not the slightly polished and performed Skype interaction or the digital text chat or the flickering cursor on an email. It's real, and there's warmth and feeling in it.

The fact there are horribly dysfunctional families in the world ( and God knows there are) doesn't make the case for sending your child to boarding school any stronger or more pertinent.

Obviously we'll never agree as we argue from totally polarised views. There are so few things I argue passionately about but boarding school is one of them ( unless in exceptional circumstances).

How would you define "exceptional circumstances"?

Disneyland?
We thought we'd done good if we got to go to Wicksteed park once a year.

Exceptional circs are when your DP get's a bit part in The Simpsons and you can't afford the school Brooklyn Beckham goes to.