Parents of boarders - please help! (Re: homesickness)

[Sundressandsandals]

Dd 1 (13) has just started boarding school last weekend. She's new to the school after living overseas most of her life and we're in the UK until Christmas, when we'll be moving to a remote country where the education at secondary level is not of the standard we want for her.

We all recognise that in an ideal world we would all be together, but that the school she is now attending will enable her to be settled for her last 5 years of school and offers opportunities that she wouldn't have with us.

But she is so, so homesick and my heart is breaking. We've not spoken on the phone (having been told that voices from home just exacerbate homesickness in the first weeks) but have been instant messaging in the evenings and she seems to be spending most of her out of school hours in tears. She's being supported by the (very nice) matron and housemistress, who have been keeping in contact with us, but she is so utterly miserable.

Have your dcs been through this? Will it get better? Can you have such an unhappy start and get through the homesickness to a point where you can be happy boarding, or do some children never settle to it? I'm feeling so wretched at putting her through this - please share your stories.

Thank you for listening.

[Xpatmama88]

Being expat with DCs in boarding schools, it is inevitable for them to be homesick especially we are far away from them. Trust me, it takes time, but she will settle, make friends and enjoy her new school.

My DD started boarding at 12 when we were expat in Far East 12 years ago, it was hard for both of us, she was homesick, and mobile phone was not like nowadays, no smart phone for instant messaging. We had to wait for the weekend to talk, and mounted up enormous phone bills.

We went through similar boarding school selection processes, and she had the final decision on the school she wanted to go to. She preferred boarding rather than going to Int'l school. I totally supported that as it was pretty upsetting seeing her saying goodbye to her friends every 2 years as we were moving on to another country.

I do not agreed that voices from home just exacerbate homesickness. I think able to talk to the parents just like normal is very important especially at the early stage, so they don't feel they are abandoned. Also with Skype or FaceTime make it a lots easier now. In those days, during our phone calls she would tell us anything happened in school, people she likes, and people she dislikes, silly things, fun things and annoying things. We would do the same, telling her what happened in our part of the world. It is also important to have quality time when they come back during half term and holidays. You can ask them what they would like to do and involve them in the planning process, sometime a surprise treat works magic.

DD is now a qualified doctor working in London and we still sometimes talked about how difficult it was for her at the beginning of boarding. She said the most difficult things were seeing friends had families visiting for school performances, or games and they got to go home for Sunday lunches. Of course, she missed us, and we missed her, we had a very strong relationship and she certainly did well and we are very proud of her.

Our DS is in the final year of boarding, for him, it was a lot easier, I think with big sister telling him what to do and what not certainly help. It was a lot easier for him to settle in his school.

[BoboChic]

I know plenty of boarders - there are boarders in my family at every generation. They have all been fine when their parents were in the country and they could see them most weekends. Not fine when their parents were on another continent.

[Millymollymama]

I have no problem with children boarding. Mine did. However I think there can be problems when the "experiences" so treasured by parents are not shared by the children any longer. If being in out of the way places is so important to the family, then it is very, very hard to say to one member of the family that you are not part of it for long periods of time. Also some children actually just want to be with their parents and do things with their parents. If she is not a natural at making friends, boarding is tough. It suits the more gregarious type of child more readily. However children find their niche but it just takes longer.

Do make sure someone goes to any event she is participating in at school. Exeats and holidays are all organised , but having someone there at school to see what you are doing can be important. A friend of my DD had parents in London, but they came to nothing. The young woman still talks about this and it has put a barrier up between her and her parents.

[ErnesttheBavarian]

Hi,

Sorry only skimmed this thread.

2 of my 4 start boarding next week Boys age 15 and 11) in different school. They are boarding mon - Fri though have the option of staying at the weekend if they wish. (their choices, which is why different schools)

I want to get the balance right between making encouraging noises and reassuring them, without making out it will be 100% brilliant all the time.

How do I best prepare them? Ds1 has said he's a bit nervous. Ds 2 says he's excited. I have no experience at all, personally or in our family of boarding.

Thanks (this has made me start to feel nervous! Just got back off holiday so not really thought about it - now it all seems real!)

[Gruach]

Ernest In addition to the boarders' thread I linked above you may find this one on preparing for boarding quite useful too.

[Bin85]

I watched a documentary on You Tube called Young Boarders I think , the girls were younger , but it was interesting and you might get some ideas.

[ErnesttheBavarian]

perfect. thanks.

[realhousewifeoffitzrovia]

My daughter does not board, but she does go overseas to summer camp (which I realise is much less overwhelming!) but she still suffered from acute homesickness. I know how heartbreaking it feels to know your daughter is suffering.
There have been lots of good ideas put forth but here are some things that helped us:

1. Let her know it's normal to feel homesick, and that she shouldn't be afraid of her feelings.
   
2. Equally, don't "interview for pain" or dwell on how badly she is feeling (sounds like the school has suggested that too).
   
3. Like another poster said up-thread, send letters with funny articles or silly packages etc. as often as you can
   
4. Finally, I sent my daughter some fairly basic cognitive behavioural therapy written exercises to do (which I found somewhere on the net, and which IIRC were specifically related to homesickness). She said she found them really helpful. Happy to see if I can find them again if you think it might be helpful.
   

Good luck and hang in there. It takes time. Hugs to you both.

[SirVixofVixHall]

I was a boarder. Most of us settled in and weren't devastatingly homesick, but one girl in my room was really miserable, and would cry herself to sleep. I think it got better as she got older, but boarding really wasn't the right choice for her. I was homesick, and although I toughed it out, I do think that the forced independence didn't come without a price. Schools now are not as harsh as the one I went to, but it is hard to be without anyone who loves you for weeks at a stretch . I realised only yesterday, talking about it with my DD who started big school (day, not boarding), that no-one hugged or touched me with affection the whole time I was boarding. It is a shock to be suddenly in a very different world.
I understand that you and your dd want a good education, and she may well be able to focus on the learning and adjust to the different way of life as time goes on. However I would think of a good contingency plan, and talk it through with her. Just knowing that she doesn't have to endure it if she is consistently miserable might be enough of a prop to help her relax and enjoy herself. And if not, then you have the plan in place.
I'm thinking along similar lines with my DD, for different reasons. I hope your dd is happier soon, I realise how horrible this must be for you.

[BoboChic]

SirVix - I think you have really nailed the point and identified the issue: being far from loved ones for months on end (not just a few days, like DC who board but whose parents are in the country) is very peculiar and unhealthy.

[happygardening]

I realised yesterday ....that no-one hugged or touched me with affection the whole time I was boarding
I've seen my DS's HM hug him, he very obviously genuinely cares about the boys and often says it to them, I accept that not all HM's are the same but please don't tar all with the same brush.
OP some years ago I was involved with a boy (13 yrs old) who was desperately home sick, one of the most home sick children I've ever seen, he was absolutely beside himself, he was allowed home for extra weekends and spoke to his parents daily, but he was utterly miserable, the parents were advised to give him two terms to see if he'd settle although I think most of the school staff were not very optermistic.
Last year a tall smiling happy boy bounced over to me asking how I was, whilst I was frantically trying to recognise him he resolved the problem, "it's X miss don't you remember me?" which of course I then did I was stunned at the change in him he was so happy and confident and started chatting about his particular sport that he is passionate about and yes he is still boarding and absolutely loves it.
Of course some never settle but it's very early days please give her two terms and then decide what to do. Talk to your HM, they should have a lot of experience of this kind of thing.
I completely understand your reason for sending your DD to a boarding school, ignore those who love to critisise your choice/decision they do not know every detail of your circumstances you like most parents who's children board do it because they genuinely believe that this is the best option for their DC's.

[itsatiggerday]

My experience would be from your DD's perspective. I chose to go, same age and was very homesick. For much of the first term, and every return to school for the first three years. Finally by sixth form I actually looked forward to going.

By the second year I knew I would feel better, I just had to tough out the first few days of readjusting but the first year was hard. You know your DD. Getting through a tough time vs long term settled misery are very different - it's just too early to tell the difference now. Try not to second guess too far ahead, just as you encourage her to see what she can enjoy out of each day, one at a time, take it that way yourself. You can see where things are after half term. On my sample size of 1, I wasn't settled at that point but staying was definitely the right thing.

[Capewrath]

Sun, I boarded under the same conditions as you , with family all over the world, and then in my case, tragedy. My guardian was my lifeline. I could just be with her, be myself, read, be quiet. Can your lovely family be around ?

I never got over my homesickness but at prep school, a good school, I was happier than at my famous - name -crap -revolting -can't -even -go -to -the -town -where -it- is - school. What also made my life more bearable was my DM's letters and postcards. She would send me one pc a day in exam season. It got to the stage where everyone wanted to see what the next picture was ( she chose art ones) and I had a great collection with her writing.

They always moved, too, during term time, so letters with descriptions were v important.


But smiling and joining in are the key things for the next few weeks. She may well find she is beginning to enjoy some of it by half term.

[Capewrath]

Utterly agree with Milly about people coming to her events. No one, even my guardian, ever did to mine. And make sure she doesn't feel dumped on people for half terms or exeats. Or have to stay an extra night at school because if people's convenience.

But she understands the rationale and has a loving family. That's the most important thing.

[Haffdonga]

I boarded and was miserable.

Thinking about what would have helped me:

1. Being able to talk to 'home' when I needed.-I strongly disagree with those advocating limiting your contact and having 3 weeks of no phone calls. That's just brutal and unnecessary. She will gradually need to check in with you less often but let that happen naturally.
   
2. Having a second home rather than visiting lots of kind relatives. If her grandparents are her guardians I'd say make sure all her visits are to them for a good while rather than being shared around and feeling like a burden. Their home needs to be somewhere she doesn't have to be on her best behaviour or extra polite for Auntie Gladys, but can totally be herself.
   
3. Friends - this will happen, but if you can help it happen quickly by funding additional activities that she enjoys then grin and pay up.

[johnImonlydancing]

Agree with SirVix. I boarded for two years (there was no schooling for 11 + in the country where my parents lived). I was extremely lonely and unhappy and it had a lasting negative effect on me. I remember at the weekends looking at all the 'normal' children who were allowed to live with their parents and wishing I could have some respite from the bullying (I told my parents about the bullying, they complained to the housemistress, who talked to the bullies, result was that the bullying got worse since I was seen as a sneak - didn't tell my parents again. do not assume your child will tell you everythign that goes on, they may be keeping themselves safe by keeping quiet). I appreciate that you feel boarding is the only option, but if there is any way of keeping your child with you, I would strongly advise that since she is so unhappy. The best education in the world will be useless to her if she becomes shy and anxious and depressed as a result of this experience (which is what happened to me). Or is there another boarding school she could try at? Boarding schools differ a good deal. At least please take her feelings seriously.

[johnImonlydancing]

Oh, and we spoke on the phone once a week if that (limited phone contact with the country where my parents lived). Post took about a month to get there if it got there at all. Definitely didn't have 'too much contact' with my parents.

[johnImonlydancing]

It is also quite possible for children to laugh and joke and then cry themselves to sleep when the housemistress isn't there to see. Most bullying in my case took place in the dorm once the lights were out and the housemistress was nowhere around.

[NewLife4Me]

Hello OP, my dd is due to board soon, so no experience.
However, as this is my biggest concern I have been asking parents, teachers, house masters/ mistresses and they all seem to agree on one point.

Apparently, it is much easier for younger ones to settle quickly, not the very young, but those who start around y7/ age 11. I was assured though that most settle within a short space of time, but for some it's a little longer.

The advice I was given was to allow 2 terms for them to settle, before considering removing them.

Everything will be new to her and making friends is daunting for some. My dds friend has just started 6th form boarding and she messaged dd she was lonely and scared to talk to people. This on top of the upheaval of her family moving will be worrying for her.
All you can do is wait until you are able to speak/ message her and reassure her that no matter where you live you are there for her.
Will she be home at half term or will she have a guardian?

[happygardening]

johmImonlydancung you seem to be assuming that because you were bullied at boarding school so is the OPs DD and all other boarders. I was bullied at a day school, I don't assume all who go to day school are bullied, My DS who's boarded for 10+ years has never been bullied, in fact not only is bullying treated very seriously by his school in fact most reputable boarding school treat it very seriously, there is at his school (and at many other boarding schools) a strong camaraderie between the boys so bullying is very frowned upon by the boys in particular any physical bullying. I'm not saying bullying doesn't exist in boarding schools (it also exists in day schools) but do not assume endemic.

[Sundressandsandals]

Thank you to everyone for your advice, concern and ideas - and especially to those who have shown understanding, compassion, shared your stories and sent good wishes.

I wish you all a happy weekend.

[cardibach]

I'm a boarding tutor for Senior Girls. Some girls do struggle - one of our Y13s told me she cries for the first few nights every time she returns. She also loves boarding and wouldn't want to change schools. I think you just need to give it time. Our overseas boarders don't seem to take any longer to settle than anyone else.
Hope it works out for you and your DD.