Parents of boarders - please help! (Re: homesickness)

[Sundressandsandals]

Dd 1 (13) has just started boarding school last weekend. She's new to the school after living overseas most of her life and we're in the UK until Christmas, when we'll be moving to a remote country where the education at secondary level is not of the standard we want for her.

We all recognise that in an ideal world we would all be together, but that the school she is now attending will enable her to be settled for her last 5 years of school and offers opportunities that she wouldn't have with us.

But she is so, so homesick and my heart is breaking. We've not spoken on the phone (having been told that voices from home just exacerbate homesickness in the first weeks) but have been instant messaging in the evenings and she seems to be spending most of her out of school hours in tears. She's being supported by the (very nice) matron and housemistress, who have been keeping in contact with us, but she is so utterly miserable.

Have your dcs been through this? Will it get better? Can you have such an unhappy start and get through the homesickness to a point where you can be happy boarding, or do some children never settle to it? I'm feeling so wretched at putting her through this - please share your stories.

Thank you for listening.

I have been reading this with interest. DS started boarding last Sunday. We have had some texts, phone calls (mostly asking for things!), but last night came the killer tear filled 'miss you so much' call. Matron also called and arranged for him to spend the night on his own in a sick bay type room as we all felt tiredness was involved. He called this morning and sounds much better. I did ask him when he was crying what he wanted to do and thankfully he didn't say he wanted to come home he said, 'I just want to go to sleep'. Matron was fantastic taking him from prep early and giving him the other room to sleep in. I just hope all the other boys are lovely to him today and tonight when he goes back. I am crossing my fingers that he just needed to get this out of his system and have a good cry and that now he will feel better.

I'm sure he will feel better abear - try not to worry.

We've never (so far) had any indication of problematic homesickness - but IME lots of boys go down with mysterious bugs in the first few days of term and need a little sick bay rest to help them through.

And I'd be surprised if the other boys don't also try their best to help him settle in.

Thanks Gruach

And you're not alone - plenty of handholding on the Boarders' thread.

abear if it is of any comfort for you my DS2 has boarded since he was 7yrs and he always has a few tears when he is tired but absolutely loves his school and would never change from boarding. Trust the Matrons, they are usually fabulous, she is quite right it is often just tiredness. Think how little sleep kids get when they have a friend for a sleepover , now make that every night and throw school into the pot as well, yes they do get very tired but they are also happy and fulfilled too having the time of their lives. Keep smiling it does get a lot easier.

My DCs expat also so we have plenty of experience. It's not as easy as people think as they are unrecognised foreigners in their own country but there is lots you can do. PM if you need.

But, there is a way that 'most of the family can live together' surely? You stay living in the UK with both your DDs, and they attend a local good school, while your DH works abroad. He flies back when he can, and you all fly out to spend the holidays with him.

As a grown man I would assume he's far more fitted, both emotionally and psychologically to living without being surrounded by his family, than a young 13 year old girl is?

I doubt your DD will benefit that much from a great UK education, regardless of the school, if she is so desperately unhappy.

If I had to choose between living apart from my DH for a couple of months at a time, or leaving my 13 year old DD in a school thousands of miles away, knowing she is desperately unhappy, there would be no contest. My DD would come first.

I couldn't consign her to months and months, if not years, of being desperately unhappy. It would haunt me and I couldn't possibly enjoy myself or get on with life knowing she was suffering.

OK - hang in there, it is very, very early days. DD1 started at her boarding school when we were still overseas, a few weeks before we relocated to the UK. She was the most miserable child on earth for the first 2-3 months. She was (and still is) a weekly boarder, but had to spend the first three weeks of term at school because we were still packing up and moving back. I had (wrongly) thought that this would be a good time for her to bond with her dorm mates, but in reality, most of the expat parents stayed in UK for a few weeks, so on two weekends, she was practically the only one in the dorm. We had tearful phone calls, all of which started with "I hate it here. Can I come home?" The texts and IM and skype calls were as bad.

It improved when we were back in UK (I realise you are going in the other direction, so this isn't helpful!) - I would sometimes pop down on the train after work and take her out to dinner midweek, and she came home at weekends. How many exeats are you going to be able to manage before you leave the country? Is there any chance you could stay behind for a little longer, so she could have a couple more with you, while your DH and DD2 head off together?

She has now been boarding for two years. I would say she is still not entirely, 100% happy, but she has a good group of friends, both boarders and non-boarders, and some weekends chooses to stay in the dorm, if they have fun stuff planned, rather than come home. The beginning of this term did not start well - we got back to the "I hate it here and want to come home" calls. This was largely because she had an accident and had to have an operation, so missed the first boarding induction weekend and first week of school, and couldn't participate in the outward bound activities of the second. Things are now better, she chose to stay in the dorm last weekend, and we seem to be back on an even keel.

I think you need to give it six months. When we got to six months, I felt that it was going to work out - the "I hate it here, can I come home" start to every phone call was followed by a laugh, and telling me what she had been doing. If she is still as miserable as sin, pull her out, and either send her to the local school where your DH is posted, do the online high school, or stay in UK with her and your DD. Is there any chance that your DH could pull out of his posting, and come back to UK, so that you could all be together? I realise this might harm his career, but sometimes you need to put your family first (we have taken the decision to stay in UK until DD1, at least, has finished her education). Or, you have lots of supportive family in UK - how about a school near where they live, where she can board weekly and see them at weekends? (DD2 boards near her grandparents and sometimes goes to them for the weekend, which she loves.) I think full boarding schools can be a mixed blessing - on the one hand, everyone is in the same boat, on the other, it is full on boarding, with no escape to a little bit of home life.

Anyway, good luck!

Gosh that was long! Sorry!

If I had to choose between living apart from my DH for a couple of months at a time, or leaving my 13 year old DD in a school thousands of miles away, knowing she is desperately unhappy, there would be no contest. My DD would come first.

This.

And I'm quite an uncaring sort of a mother.

I'm no snuggly Earth Mother type, either motherinferior. I'm really not. But in the circumstances the OP describes I wouldn't dream of choosing my husband over my daughter. And furthermore I know in the same circumstances my DH wouldn't dream of me leaving our DD either.

I also doubt that this is the only decent English-language school for thousands of miles. My partner was sent to board in England for similar reasons and I still can't work out why he didn't go to the same school as my cousins, only a few hundred miles away...

sundress

I hope your dd is more settled, it must be so hard when they are unhappy.
Please come back and let us know.

How did he feel about being sent away motherinferior?

I am fairly sure that I know you and your family IRL...

So I'll put in my two pence worth. There is a perfectly adequate American school where you are going, with teachers trained in the US, and really good facilities. The school does the Advanced Placement exams, which are accepted for entry to a UK university. As your DD is bright, she will do really well in these, if you stay out there for five years, get lots of UCAS points and get into the university of her choice. Alternatively, you could keep her at post with you until she is 16+ and then send her back to UK to a school where she can do the IB. A 16 year old is much more emotionally mature and better able to cope with boarding than a 13 year old. Win-win all round with either scenario.

But please do not leave her in a boarding school where she is unhappy and go half way round the world, particularly if you are keeping DD2 with you. It will wreck your family dynamics forever.

And Whoregasm is bang on the nail with what she has said.

Well, I have egg on my face re my DP, because he actually didn't mind . And was quite happy hardly seeing his parents and staying with a (very loving) aunt and uncle and his cousin (who also boarded) in the holidays, along with his older brother. Bear in mind, though, that they had already had some notorious disruptions in their lives, including fleeing war and an imprisoned parent.

But I still don't buy the family excuse that 'there were no decent schools' on the entire subcontinent.

And DP, interestingly, says that when he and schoolfriends have met up, almost all of them say that however fond their memories of school, none of them would send their own children to board. I think, too, that it has inevitably affected his views on/capacity for family life. He finds a lot of the need to be hands-on a bit odd.

abear

My dd school also offer a sick bay night for children needing a good nights rest, I'm sure the other boys will have sympathy for him and bet some of them are home sick too.
Hopefully the boarders thread will continue as well, there are lots of lovely kind helpful people there too.

Newbie, yes, I am going back to that thread too.

Sorry NewLife!

abear What are you apologising for?
We are all in this, like one big happy family and it's great to get support from lots of threads.
I'm just so glad the recent threads haven't been sabotaged, it has to be a first.

It sounds like you are very confident on your decision. She is still a child and seems to need her family more than anything. Have you taken her opinion into account?

I would give her a term not a year.

All the boarders I have met said the first year was hard but they got used to it; they also say they will never send their children boarding. Some of them happen to be quite anxious people; just wondering whether boarding have anything to do with that or whether boarding was right for them.

It is important to know whether your children are right for boarding as someone said; forcing them into something is not for them can cause more damaged than help. Can she try when she is 16 and a bit more matured?

I do agree that the logic of this situation is difficult to understand, given that the only member of the family who has to go abroad is your husband, OP. You've acknowledged the undesirability of the children having to keep moving schools, but you seem to be happy to continue subjecting your younger child to that. I also agree that others' experience of boarding isn't necessarily representative given that the majority of boarders can make visits home at least every three weeks and can expect visits for school events, and your DD won't be able to. It will make it more difficult for her in the second term when she sees all her friends going home and she knows she's stuck with relatives who, no matter how lovely they are, are not her Mum and Dad.

I would have thought it infinitely more sensible to make your base in one country and for you to stay there with the children whilst your DH visits as much as possible. What you'd pay on flights would be covered by what you save on boarding. Perhaps he could also work towards finding himself a posting in an area where he can stay at least till the DC finish secondary school so that the family can be together and they can have stability without being forced to board?

Sundress, this must be an upsetting time for you. My only advice is try to get it into perspective. She has been there less than two weeks. The first bit is the hardest for some DCs. I am sure you will have thought about backup plans and Plan B etc and you don't need other people to tell you about that. Just keep being supportive I hope it goes well. On balance I think it probably will, but if it doesn't you and your family will make you own mind up. All best wishes.

"And DP, interestingly says, that when he and school friends met up also most all of them say however fond their memories of school none of them would send their children to board."
"Interestingly" many of the fathers at my DS's prep school had not only boarded themselves they'd boarded at the same school. I cant comment about how many fathers at Winchester were boarders there themselves because I don't know that many parents but I do quite a few mothers and fathers whose children go to other boarding schools who also boarded as children through to 18. I do seem some parents who've boarded who are rather hands off but then I also see some parents who've never boarded who are also very hands off. But let's face it if your stumping up 36k+ per child per year in school fees then one of you (rightly or wrongly) most likely the father is likely to working in a job with very long hours so is likely to be "hands off".
There are so many largely anecdotal stories about boarding and parents of boarding school children or stories based on "DP" "DB" "BIL's" experience 30+ years ago (boarding has changed considerably in the last 15 years) I've spent 11+ years with a DS at boarding school and inevitably know many children and parents in the same position, most families are just like those with children at day schools, some are happy some some are not, many are obviously very close with very committed and hands on parents other are less so, the vast majority of children I know are happy at boarding school although some of course aren't, when it does not appear to be resolving (most are advised to give it two terms) these are usually moved by their parents to either a day school or another boarding school.
It's early days OP give it time as you would if a child was at a day school.

I agree with Happy - boarding today is not what it was when we were at school. Both of my DDs have their own room, and share a bathroom between two, so they have some privacy. The boarders have their own kitchens, so they can bake cakes, have some toast, sandwiches, fruit etc. They can go into town if they wish, provided there are two of them (or there is usually a houseparent who is happy to run them into town to go to Boots or Sainsbury's). The weekend trips for full boarders are amazing - DD1 has been to Harry Potter World, and they are going to Disneyland Paris soon. I know Disneyland doesn't compensate for going home to Mum and Dad at night, but they have great fun, and there is always a lot going on, if they want to do it.

Good luck Sundress.