Parents of boarders - please help! (Re: homesickness)

[Sundressandsandals]

Dd 1 (13) has just started boarding school last weekend. She's new to the school after living overseas most of her life and we're in the UK until Christmas, when we'll be moving to a remote country where the education at secondary level is not of the standard we want for her.

We all recognise that in an ideal world we would all be together, but that the school she is now attending will enable her to be settled for her last 5 years of school and offers opportunities that she wouldn't have with us.

But she is so, so homesick and my heart is breaking. We've not spoken on the phone (having been told that voices from home just exacerbate homesickness in the first weeks) but have been instant messaging in the evenings and she seems to be spending most of her out of school hours in tears. She's being supported by the (very nice) matron and housemistress, who have been keeping in contact with us, but she is so utterly miserable.

Have your dcs been through this? Will it get better? Can you have such an unhappy start and get through the homesickness to a point where you can be happy boarding, or do some children never settle to it? I'm feeling so wretched at putting her through this - please share your stories.

Thank you for listening.

[ChinUpChestOut]

Gosh I dropped in on this thread earlier today and thought about posting but it was all going quite smoothly and the OP was getting lots of helpful comments.

Then I came back and WWIII has kicked off.

OP (and any other MNers whose DC are about to start boarding): I trust your decision as a responsible parent to have made the right choice for your DC until such time as you out yourself as an unhinged lunatic through your subsequent posts. Therefore I will not criticise, but try to offer helpful advice.

My DS boards, and has done so since he was 10. His prep school was excellent in keeping them fully occupied with hobbies, sport and prep so that they went to bed exhausted, and full of things to tell parents. However they did ask for no contact for the first two weeks - the house master phoned each new parent personally after 2 days, and then again later on. DS's Senior School also keeps him busy - it's only on Sundays that he has time to himself. My advice to the OP would be to ease off a little on the daily texting etc and keep talking to the house parents to make sure the OP's DD is kept fully occupied. If it hasn't been done already, ask for an older pupil to mentor her and give advice. My DS has done this for a Third Former (he's Fifth Form now), and was instrumental in helping the other boy settle in. Maybe DD would respond to that?

It's clearly been different to how she imagined it would be, but it also seems she's got too much time to sit and think. Does she have any ideas on what would make her feel better?

(my apologies is this was covered in earlier posts - I missed the last 2 pages as they seemed full of anti-boarding school posts).

[MrsSchadenfreude]

I don't think the OP will come back, but if she does, I think there is some good advice on this thread among the crazed loony ranting.

[dolcelatteLover]

Termly boarding or weekly boarding for under 11s is emotional abuse.End of.

[NewLife4Me]

Dolcie

It's good to get a child psychologist's view, please tell us more.
It would be handy to read your evidence too.

[Pythonesque]

Hope things are improving - only read the start of the thread. I'm sure the occasional phonecall won't hurt - surprise one from you perhaps once in a week? My daughter started boarding at 10 and is about to turn 13. This time last year she was begging me to look at some boarding schools as well as day schools for senior school; now she's telling me she really enjoyed being home over the summer and wants to take the day school option seriously despite us having accepted a boarding place for next year already ... (more school visits pending to sort this out!)

She's slowly getting better at communicating with us; but main reason for it being sporadic and brief is that she is kept pretty busy. Good luck settling it all down.

[Pythonesque]

Ah don't know how to edit a post. Meant to add, daughter went to boarding school at 10 in order to be a chorister which was her own desperate wish!

[Brioche201]

I have been thinking bout this little girl and hoping she is coping better now.I do wish the op would come back and update

[happygardening]

I sadly doubt the OP will come back as she's received such unhelpful comments including being accused of abuse, although I very much doubt SS will be interested!

[Brioche201]

I doubt people are meaning to be unhelpful, it is a topic which people have strong views on and the op was ( to me a anyway) quite distress

[Brioche201]

Distressing

[Dancergirl]

OP, how's she doing, are things any better?

Although it's true that MOST children settle eventually, I think you have to consider the possibility that boarding isn't for everyone and that your dd might not. Do you have a back up plan if it doesn't work out?

[happygardening]

Yes the OP was very concerned but I just don't see how people's strong negative views about boarding helped her one iota. Most people posting these comments seemed to assume that the OP had made the decision to send her DD to boarding school with putting any thought into it, and without seriously considering all other options. IME few parents just get up one morning and decide to send their DC's to boarding school without thinking it through very very carefully.

[Dancergirl]

That's true gardening but that doesn't make it the right thing for EVERY child.

OP, is your plan to also board yiur younger dc at secondary age?

[RosieBenenden]

Our DDs were both homesick at CLC at the start but we wanted them to persevere and so made a rule that we wouldn't visit for the first 6 weeks and it really made a big postive difference. Boarding is such a special experience and I honestly think the corner will be turned. Message anytime if want a natter about it.

[Tvstar]

Well I have been a boarder. It will get better in that she will become resigned to her fate.
Why don't you and your husband have jobs which allow you to live together with your children as a family?? Did you have the full boarding experience as a child? Do you have any clue how much you will screw your daughter up? Weekly boarding is bad enough?

[Tvstar]

I see you have already answered some of my questions
I don't understand why your husbands job is more important than yourchids wellbeing.
Even the crappiest parent should live in the same country as their 13year old child

[EntropyRising]

OP how is your daughter doing?

My son goes back tomorrow after a two-week half term and I'm worried about a delayed onset of homesickness. He's really loved being home.