Parents of boarders - please help! (Re: homesickness)

[Sundressandsandals]

Dd 1 (13) has just started boarding school last weekend. She's new to the school after living overseas most of her life and we're in the UK until Christmas, when we'll be moving to a remote country where the education at secondary level is not of the standard we want for her.

We all recognise that in an ideal world we would all be together, but that the school she is now attending will enable her to be settled for her last 5 years of school and offers opportunities that she wouldn't have with us.

But she is so, so homesick and my heart is breaking. We've not spoken on the phone (having been told that voices from home just exacerbate homesickness in the first weeks) but have been instant messaging in the evenings and she seems to be spending most of her out of school hours in tears. She's being supported by the (very nice) matron and housemistress, who have been keeping in contact with us, but she is so utterly miserable.

Have your dcs been through this? Will it get better? Can you have such an unhappy start and get through the homesickness to a point where you can be happy boarding, or do some children never settle to it? I'm feeling so wretched at putting her through this - please share your stories.

Thank you for listening.

[happygardening]

I've never said it was better for my DC not to live with his family but I don't and in fact won't accept that it's the emotionally damaging disaster than so many portray it to be. "Who knew?" I know because I've one at home and therefore can make an informed comparison and yes I do get on with and am also very close to the one who is at home and who I spend evenings/weekends with.
We send our DS2 to boarding school school because it caters for his individual educational needs, I agree with point 1 Shesgot if we had exactly the same option as a day school in sensible commuting distance we would have seriously considered it, although I honestly can't say we would have definitely chosen an identical except day school over DS2's boarding because basically it can't be identicle because quite simply day schools can't offer what boarding schools offer unless they are boarding schools with a handful of day pupils and I wouldn't have wanted my DS to be in this situation.
Having spent over 11 years with DC's in boarding school I have never once met a parent who doesn't give "a shit either way" and who takes the view that they've chosen X school, they DC is going and they're going to get on with it come what may regardless. They're are cheaper ways of fucking your children up! If you stand on the side of any prep school rugby pitch you'll quickly discover that most parents agonise for months and even years over their choice of school most are looking for the right fit for themselves and their DCs, they are desperately trying to find out exactly what ethos is that underpins individual schools behind glossy prospectus, flash websites and showy open days and every year when my DS's were at prep I used to hear of a hear of at least one who'd moved move their DC's after a couple of terms because they were unhappy.
You may of course ShesGot genuinely know of parents at boarding school with a different approach but this is my very extensive experience of parents.

[motherinferior]

Actually, going back to the OP: OP, you aren't working, are you? So home edding or staying in the UK with your younger daughter are both feasible. Depends what you want, of course. But boarding isn't the only option if it's not working out.

[happygardening]

Maybe the OP doesn't feel she has the skills to home ed? I'm not anti home ed and am quite well educated but I wouldn't like to home ed a child of senior school age on a long term basis. Even if she has the skills homing eding just like boarding definitely isn't for everyone. It must have an impact on the relationship between you and your DC how hard to be a parent one minute then a proper teacher the next. I know it can be done but its not for everyone.

[jonicomelately]

A young relative of mine (not my own dc) attended boarding school as she excels in a particular sport and was offered an attractive scholarship. We all felt it was an offer that could not be refused. Several years down the line I think it was a mistake. I really believe that no matter how much contact you maintain with the child via Skype etc, the relationship the child has with the parents is never the same after boarding school. I think that she has changed a lot and it isn't all positive.

[BertrandRussell]

Hmm. Let me think. Leave a child at boarding school and move thousands of miles away with her siblings or have a go at home educating perhaps in conjunction with whatever school is available in the new home country. No brainer as far as I am concerned.

[happygardening]

In your world Bertrand but ,at e not in the OP's thankfully we are all different.
joni I'm sorry your young relative had this experience/outcomes me but thus is not the experience or outcome for all who boar. If it was parents wouldn't do it.

[happygardening]

But "maybe not" bloody autocorrect.

[motherinferior]

I do think the simplest solution is to stay in the UK.

[BertrandRussell]

Oh, come on, happygardening! I know you have a huge amount invested in boarding being wonderful, but surely you must be able to see that leaving a child behind at boarding school while her parents and siblings go off to start a new life thousands of miles away is a bad idea and should be avoided it at all possible?

OP- find a way to take her with you, or stay in this country and let your Dp be the one who has to manage life only seeing his family every 3 months. He's a grown up. He can do it.

[SheGotAllDaMoves]

happy I do know parents who don't much care one way or the other, or perhaps to put it differently, have made their decision and that's that.

Don't forget when most of us were deciding on secondary schools your DC were already boarding. So you weren't seeing parents daily like some of us.

And there are definitely parents who will not countenance anything but X school whatever their DC may feel. There are those who can't see that their DC are just saying what their parents want to hear (though they tell their mates something different). There are parents who quite simply believe X school is the best in the world so that's where they're going. Or it suits their working lives so that's that.

These people are not bad people. In fact they would say they are doing their very best for their DC. That the education they will receive trumps everything else.

I heartily disagree with them.

[WhoreGasm]

Got to agree with you all the way on this one Bertrand.

What many parents deem 'necessary' about boarding their child, is in fact 'just more convenient' for them.

Most parents accept that having children is going to bring inconveniences along the way.

But the many pleasures and benefits of actually sharing your life with them, every day, is worth the inconvenience.

[jonicomelately]

Boarding schools' marketing is unlike anything I've ever seen. It's hard not to be impressed with the glossiness and general fabulousness. We often get brochures sent to us (not sure why) and you really do feel that it would be a fantastic choice for any dc. One of them talks about their school being a 'golden thread' throughout their lives
I think there are still huge pitfalls and I personally wouldn't choose it for my DC. A cursory glance at the Boarding School Survivors website is more than sufficient antidote to the glossy marketing.

[jonicomelately]

I've also had two ex boyfriends and a fair few colleagues who attended boarding school. I think there were emotional problems with most of them. One even committed suicide a few years ago.

[viewwater]

Only a very small proportion of parents (in RL and probably in this thread) are actually in the position that considering the rights or wrongs of modern day boarding for their DC is actually relevant to their decision about schools. Most can't afford it (increasingly fewer compared to previous generations) or their DC would n't be in a position to compete for a bursary. Even if parents fall into one of those categories of being able to financially consider it they may live close enough to a very good day option for them never to really consider boarding seriously. It amuses me the interest that these threads generate when it is not really a real-life decision for most posters.

[NewLife4Me]

This thread is making me feel terrible.

My dc have never been an inconvenience to me and I would never contemplate boarding school for these reasons.
Also, it isn't more convenient for me or dh we are at home and able to care for her most of the time. In fact I have a lot fewer responsibilities than working parents I know, and still see dd more than some, even though she boards.

[BertrandRussell]

"This thread is making me feel terrible."

Why? Your dd made the decision to board herself based on a particular set of circumstances- no other school could provide her with what she needs and wants, and she is within striking distance of home. Couldn't be more different to the OP.

[Gruach]

Nope.

Simply can not be bothered.

[WhoreGasm]

No need whatsoever for you to feel terrible NewLife, and I apologise profusely if I have upset you.

But your circumstances are totally different to the OP's. They really are. The OP's daughter clearly doesn't want to be at boarding school and is very distressed. And yet for reasons yet unexplained, the OP is forcing her DD to deal with feeling deeply unhappy, and to adjust to being alone, and living every day not surrounded by her family.

Rather than expecting her own husband, a grown man, to deal with loneliness and not living with his family every day.

Why a young 13 year old girl is being expected to suffer like this, yet the husband isn't, is a mystery to me?

And, as daily Skype-ing, and emails and texts are such wonderfully warm, satisfying means of communication. And if you can enjoy really wonderful, special family times together during school holidays, which really make up for living apart all term...............then WTF can't the OP and her DH Skype each other, share lots of texts and emails and really enjoy quality time together during the holidays?????

[NewLife4Me]

I know Bertrand and appreciate that you keep an open mind, you sound lovely but some blanket responses are hurtful, even when you know they aren't true.

I do think that some people just see it as parents sending their children away and don't appreciate there are many reasons why parents choose boarding for their children.
I can remember some time ago now a similar thread to this where the child was homesick, the parent got all sorts of accusations thrown at her and in the end had to admit what she didn't want to tell anyone, that she was terminally ill.
I'm not suggesting it is the same for this OP, but we only get to know what a poster chooses to divulge.

[NewLife4Me]

WhoreGasm

Thanks very much, I'm understandably tetchy atm, missing dd like crazy. I must try and find a job, but don't want to go back to teaching 6th formers Maybe, some term time support work, but that's like gold dust round here

[WhoreGasm]

Keeping busy would help. Fingers crossed you get something? Couldn't you just do supply, or even work as a temp cover supervisor?

[Gruach]

New - I remember that thread and think of the parent and her DS so often - so many of her posts on other threads were helpful to us.

I wish I knew what had happened to them both.

[TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet]

Good afternoon all
May we just sprinkle a little peace and love across this thread.
We thought it might be a good idea to remind everyone that Mumsnet's raison d'être is to make lives easier.
The decision of whether or not to send your child to board is a very divisive topic but we would reiterate all that if there's one thing we can all do with on this parenting journey, it's some moral support.
Thanks so much

[NewLife4Me]

Thanks Olivia.

I hope the OP comes back and the experienced boarding parents can offer their support and the non experienced can offer suggestions because they know stuff too.

[FrozenAteMyDaughter]

I have no personal experience of boarding and no strong views either way, and lots has been suggested upthread for ways to help the OP's daughter possibly settle which I certainly can't improve on.

However I did wonder whether, if it turns out she really can't settle after a period of time, and if her educational opportunities do require her to stay in the UK, and the rest of the family do need to move, would it be an option for her either to go to a day school and live with her grandparents/other relatives during term time, or if that is too much of a commitment (and of course it would be massive for them) possibly weekly board and spend weekends with them?

I realise, as I say, that this just may not be feasible, or may not even be something she would want to do, but it occurs to me that it is an option that i don't think has been mentioned so far and that at her age, I think I would have far preferred this to full boarding.