Yr8- worth changing to private?

[TheDogsMissingBollock]

Currently in outstanding state, v happy there but her results not great, no support for her moderate SN and she is not really trying/being pushed. She's had a lot of change and ideally we wouldn't be looking to move her.
However, she's a real challenge and clashes esp with me on the sch run which i have to drive (out of catchment, no public transport there). She has got quite aggressive, is rude, challenges every single one of my instructions. Every day, all the time. Dd2 gets v v upset with "all the shouting". We're all exhausted from the daily battles. Dh thinks it's my mothering style... Dd1 often fails to do hmk or does very last minute on scrappy bits of paper and refuses to do any sport/extracurricular stuff. We have withdrawn privileges (phone, technology) when her behaviour's been particularly bad.

Am wondering about moving dd1 to a local private sch with a rep for being good with moderate learning difficulty, small class sizes, a longer school day which includes getting hmk and sport done and a school bus (which would transform my life and enable me to work again).
We can afford it, just wondering whether yet more change would outweigh any advantages.

To add, we have regular meetings with current sch and still pushing to get extra support.

Really appreciate some views

DS1 has just changed in year 9. He was very unhappy so a no brained, however he has matured a lot and ready to make a change that we could not do in Year 7.

Talk to your DD about it. What does she think? By age 12 she should be an active participant in the decisions affecting her education.
It's hard to give advice on specific schools, each school is different and you need to find the one that's the best for your DD (e.g. My two have always/will always be at different schools because they are different people, different schools suit them).
Perhaps take your DD to visit the private school, see what she thinks. It can't harm, can it?

Thanks, yes have raised it with her and she's adamantly against as she is happy currently at sch. But everything else so tricky! We are going to take her to visit it anyway.

Just wondering if I'm being selfish for even thinking of it! I could do with less "conflict" time with dd and not doing the school run myself with a defiant 13 year old...

But this isn't really a state v private question is it? It's about finding a school that meets your needs. You could switch the "type" of schools around and still be asking the same questions.

On the one hand you have the current school which is not fulfilling any of your requirements. You say your DD is happy there - perhaps, given the problems you list, her judgement is not the best. On the other you have a school that would (apparently) more than meet your needs, in fact enable a really positive change in your life.

Of course your DD should be involved - that is inevitable - but do you think she's happy at the current school because she can get away with a lot? (The possibility for homework to be done at school would be worth the change by itself. Not just for family harmony but also to aid your DD's self reliance.)

There's also your DH's "opinion". Some might say it is not entirely helpful ...

If the potential new school lives up to its reputation it sounds ideal.

Yes you're right, it's not private v state issue. Just didn't know how best to summarise issue into a title! I feel guilty that i cant cope and that as there aren't state alternatives, we're going to have to fork out. Dh great salary but our mortgage is considerable so not like we couldn't use the money elsewhere. And yet more change age 13, not ideal, is it?

Feel cant afford to make another mistake. She's been in several schools already since foundation so while we want the best school for her needs, time is running out. Cant rewind time back to year 6.

Why feel guilty? (Other than because your DH is undermining you?)

What's the reason for the multiple school changes?

Move out of London/couple of overseas postings. Yep, i do rather feel undermined! But that's another thread. To be fair he is being cautious as he knows i sometimes rush towards radical change to fix things

My DS1 has "moderate" dyslexia he's been in both sectors all had/have a good reputation for learning support, frankly all were rubbish it's got better at pair local 6 th form college and we're told better still in higher education but first get you DC there. We've many friends in the independent sector most will tell you the same thing anything beyond "mild" gets very little useful help what ever heads, websites, learning support staff tell you.
Be careful.

Since she's already had a few school changes I'd be reluctant to move her especially if she's happy. If you've the money what about finding her a tutor to help?

She has a weekly tutor already but doesn't solve the daily hmk/sch run/behaviour battles. Am hoping smaller class sizes and having to do more at school will inevitably help!

it really depends what the learning difficulty is. ds is in independent, but friends are leaving because the SEN provision is poor and they have to pay on average £25 for every period of extra help the child receives (which as you can imagine can soon stack up)
It sounds like the biggest stress is the school run, could you arrange a lift share or a taxi, or perhaps there is a bus route you could drop her to the beginning of, schools buses for independents aren't cheap, so that would be another added cost.
Have a good look round, independent doesn't always equal.better, investigate with current school whether they run a homework club, many do.
Also, some of it will be her age, ds and his year group are all being a biy hormonal and anti homework, revision or anything that requires work at the moment, its what the first term of year 8 is known for!

Is she badly behaved at school, or is all the ire directed at you? What do you think is making her so difficult - natural for her age and personality, or something about her life that is upsetting her/an issue she is trying to avoid? Could moving her to private school be interpreted by her as you trying to get away from her as much as possible and therefore make her even more aggressive towards you? Are you really just trying to find a school where they can do a bit more of the "bad cop" and make her do her homework, so you don't have to? Do you really think a school would/could succeed in making your daughter happy to do sport, homework and extra-curricular stuff where you have failed, or could it risk making her unhappy and feel over-pressured? Why do you think she wants to avoid sport and extra-curricular activities? Does she have lots of friends at her current school?

Your OP just creates an awful lot of further questions - nobody can really help you with the answers when they know so little of your situation, they can only suggest more questions that might help you find your own answers!

Current sch behaviour good, previous sch (overseas) was atrocious. No liftshares etc viable as no other parents where we live do this sch run (as not practical/sustainable!)
Yes cd do with someone else being bad cop. What drives her behaviour with me? Frustration, jealousy of her sister, taking things out on me as am a safe place. Hormones.
Friends at school but never sees thrm out of school despite me offering to fetch drive whatever.

There is an excellent book called Divas and Doorslammers that gives very good advice for this sort of situation. Unlike most such books, the example dialogue actually consists of something you could imagine yourself saying!

I found it very helpful with my DD at this age. In particular, what worked was the 6-1 ratio of positive comments to negative. The books gives a long list of the sort of comments you can use, which I "studied" every day in order to make sure I had them ready to use. Also, not asking questions unless she has initiated the conversation herself (and thus is likely to be in a reasonable mood). There are other tips as well for handling problem behaviour.

Age 13 was the most miserable year of my life - I hated being 13...

Is the private school closer to home? It seems to me she is missing out on something reasonably important to have moved around a lot and now be settled somewhere miles from school and going to a school nobody nearby goes to. Why is she jealous of her sister? How old is her sister and where does she go to school? Why do you think she doesn't want to see friends outside of school? Regardless of intentions, has she felt over the years that her moderate learning difficulties are a hassle for the family - particularly a family that has moved around a lot? I can see why you might want to take the focus off you being the one always nagging her, seeking tutors to help her, highlighting her difficulties for her, although it isn't always possible to pass that mantle on effectively! I suspect that whatever you do, though, you'll have to think very carefully about how you talk about it with your dd.

What do you think her being happy at her new school really means? Is it their lack of pressurising her to do homework, and the not dealing with her difficulties head on and making them an issue that is making her happy? In which case, might her behaviour again deteriorate at school if you send her somewhere that focuses intently on her moderate learning difficulties as an issue that needs dealing with? Are her current school really doing nothing to help, or does it just feel like that in comparison to the school she behaved badly at, which might have been because they were like a bull in a china shop with her?...

I wonder if you 'make' her go to the new school she will just behave badly in order to get herself thrown out?

Thanks loads to ponder here. There is a real danger she could get herself kicked out if so minded, yes
: (
I think her current school is nurturing, v strong head, good teachers, excellent local rep and it's a new start for her. So she tors the line but does as little as possible. She has fun at school, has friends but for whatever reason never wants to see anyone out of school. She does FB/text them daily just nothing face to face. Yes, it's hard for her not being local but was her choice )and ours) as local option not great. Her dsis is at primary, generally is an easygoing kid, likes to please, makes friends quite easily, good results, no SN. Think Perfect Peter to Horrid Henry! And yes, we do all we can not to perpetuate this.

Also considered moving but not great for dh's commute and not as "nice" a place. Though yes, maybe should do for a few years to fet them thro school.
Lots of upheaval- she hated where we were overseas, fell in with dodgy crowd, plus dh & i rocky narriage. So um, lots for her to handle, too much. And it's all open to question.

I wonder if she craves independence - could you pay for a taxi 1-2 days a week to get her to school- I'm assuming that cost not huge issue if considering private. Give you both a little space.

I think try not to worry about the homework for say 1 month - I'm sure school will call her on it if she doesn't do it - leave her to take responsibility for it?

Has your parenting been openly disparaged in front of her OP? Or is she picking up on anything like this? IME children have no qualms about playing one parent off against another if they see an opportunity. (Particularly to get "in" with whichever they see as more powerful.)

Which places you in a rather uncomfortable position.

Well undermined, certainly, ime. Yhe major issue with dh atm, he sometimes says yes, ok fair enough but doesnt really change. Yea, could do weekly taxi maybe.