DH had decided DD should not go to grammar school - Help!

[supadoula]

Our gorgeous DD passed her 11+ without any tuition and then got into a grammar school 10 minutes away. She is not happy because she will miss some of her friends.
Without my knowledge, DH phoned the headmistress of her previous school (a failing middle school in special measures!) to ask if they would have her back. Of course, they said they would. Now, DD is convinced she is going back to her middle school...
I am going to mediation tomorrow with soon to be ex DH in order to sort this out ASAP. She is registered at the grammar school anyway but I need ammunition so that DH realises that it is his parental duty not to give into his daughter's whims and think about her long term future. Help!!

Parents who want grammar school places for their children need to be more than just imterested and supportive, they need to be articulate, using quite sophisticated vocabulary and be able to help them through maths problems. Or pay for tutoring. Ours didn't need tutoring because DH and I come from the kind of background where word meanings abd maths problems are part of 'normal' conversation with our primary aged children.

'Add message | Report | Message poster FuzzyWizard Sun 31-Aug-14 09:35:15
Why has everyone assumed that the XH has "stalked" her onto this thread? In the OP it was stated that she wanted to use this thread as "ammunition". Is it not entirely possible that she sent him this thread? I think the stalker accusation is a bit strong. A lot of initial responses seemed to assume that he was NRP and that OP was the primary carer. Some even suggested that as NRP his only right was to be told what school his daughter would be attending. He came on to say that actually he is the child's primary carer and to justify his choice. He could be a lying controlling stalker or he might just have been responding to a half-truthful thread sent to him by his ex. Who knows.'

Thank you fuzzy i am not the only one that is about a few things stated by both parents, the father being the main carer/rp, him stating that the dd did have tuition whilst the mother stated no she didn't in the op. The minimising of distance from the op (father states 25 miles?).

If this situation was reversed and the mother was rp and father nrp and the father wanted dd to go to a different school then people would be saying that he has little right to do this, mother main carer and should have last day etc.

I am amazed at the reactions here tbh.

The father it seems looks after the dd, surely the final choice should rest with him? The dd wants to continue with middle school (on to senior with her friends?). She really should be given a voice.

Grammar doesn't automatically mean good.

As for stalking well that is only one possibility, trying to gain ammunition in this situ is just wrong.

The poor dd, it is her I feel sorry for.

Sorry 25 mins away not miles, still the mother states 10 mins.

I think both parents need mediation ASAP.

You will both be divorced TO each other for a long long time, the rest of your lives actually, so you need to sort yourselves out and stop the boring power games.

If in doubt, focus on your kids and what's best for them in the long term not on how beautiful their free spirits are, or how wonderful your relationship is with them, and stop wanking off here.

Grow up, and SORT YOURSELVES OUT in mediation. You need to be parents to some kids here.

*say, not day

Indeed Theoldhag - Not sure why the mum is pushing for her dd to go to school near her, rather than the parent she lives with. Isnt this massively inconvenient to the child? The other schools is 25 miles from mum, but not 25 miles from where the dd lives...

Hakluyt - your son failed the 11+. You then appealed by trying to prove he is bright enough for grammar school. Why would you do that if your honest belief is that kids with supportive parents will do well anywhere? And if you believe grammar schools are morally wrong why would you apply to them in the first instance? You are inconsistent.

Start another thread if you like, polonium. I am no longer posting on this one.

In the long run I think the thing that is most damaging for a child is to have parents who don't try to communicate and come to joint decisions about what is in a child's best interests.

It's really not very easy to work out what is in a given child's best interests, within the current educational climate. Some parents have very strong ideological baggage, which means they do have a clear sense that a school of type A is/must be better than a school of type B. Others take a more nuanced view. They'd reckon it depends both on the individual child and the particular way the schools available to her or him function.

I think that - on balance - my partner, child and I made the 'right' choice for our daughter. But there are times when particular issues come up and I think 'We wouldn't be facing this particular concern if they went to school B.'

Essentially the two parents need a) to talk to each other off-thread and b) whatever decision is finally made to stick with it - and stick with supporting their child. That's really what is going to make the difference.

Yes, and supporting their child means supporting the decision they have all arrived at. To get to that point, there needs to be discussion...Very hard for both parents to put feelings to one side and see it like that, but that is what is in the child's best interests, so they do it for her.

I wouldn't allow an 11 year old to make the decision. Most 11 year olds don't want that sort of power and responsibility. I would support the student's own decision at sixth form.

But ideally both parents support the decision. Even if they can't support one another.

But it's for the parents to come to a decision as to what's best. Presumably they already did that when they chose the grammar in the firs place.

Yes it is for them to come to a devision. Presumably - but that isn't necessarily the case.

I don't see why parents who live in fully selective areas are being hypocritical in sending their children to grammar schools whilst disapproving of the principle of selection. If I lived in one of these areas, of course I'd try to avoid sending my child to a secondary modern - it's because I don't like secondary moderns that I'm opposed to selection!
Fortunately, living in a comp county, not a choice I have to make.

This seems to me no more hypocritical than the "secondary moderns are best for some children" line so often heard from supporters of selection - by which they invariably mean other people's children

HPFA - But secondary moderns aren't selective. You don't have to fail the 11+ to go a secondary modern. You can't claim to oppose selection and then put your child forward for selection. Lots of families give the 11+ a principled swerve. For reasons that are very easy to understand.

No, but they are affected by selection - they have had the top 20-25% of their potential intake removed by a selection process. They are not comprehensive schools.
If you choose to send your child to a grammar when you have a choice of a genuine comprehensive then you are being a hypocrite if you claim to be opposed to selection, I agree.

If secondary moderns were made properly fit for purpose, and my DC suited that type of education more than a grammar education, then I would have no problem in sending them there. I don't accept that those who believe in selection uniformly oppose the idea of a less academic education for each and every one of their own children.

That's a fair comment, Molio, whilst I disagree that secondary moderns can be made fit for purpose, I don't have an issue with people who genuinely support selection. I'm not sure they're in the majority though

HPFA - No they don't take the top 20-25%, they take the top-30-35% perfumers in their tests and many of those selected are coached to within an inch of their lives.

Lots of kids don't go anywhere near the 11+. Being anti-academic selection is pretty mainstream.

20-25% performers

I am going to say something that sounds 'stupid' now (trust me its true).

There are some secondary modern schools that are 'almost' selective They have very high GCSE pass rates well over 70% Academic Sixth forms requiring minimum of 5 or 6 B grades for entry, very low numbers of FSM under 5% and most astonishingly have only 4% low attainers and over 30% of high attainers. They are also highly subscribed and located in prosperous areas with high property prices.

I think that is a 'selective' modern school.

In Medway for example, 22% of the cohort take the 11+ (or whatever it's called there) and of those 42% pass.

www.kentadvice.co.uk/statistics/medway-statistics-on-admission-a-appeal.html