How do you justify seding your child to boarding school?

[sunshine75]

I've read some pretty horrific things lately about boarding schools and the damage they can cause. See this article from the Guardian.

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jul/20/damage-boarding-school-sexual-abuse-children

However, I have no personal experience of one and have no close friends who went to one. Therefore, I don't want to be hasty in forming a negative opinion about them.

So, if you chose to send your child to a boarding school then I'm curious as to why you chose to? For example, why did you chose boarding over a really good day school? Is there anyone who chose a boarding school for a much younger child and was this a really hard thing to do?

I am happy to stick to my position that children should live with their families of at all possible. I am not saying that there aren't apparent advantages to boarding for some children and families, and that many boarders are happy. But I think they are missing out on an important developmental stage and this may come back to bite them later. And I don't thinking is a risk worth taking. And I am aware that people will be outraged by that statement- which is why I wish we could discuss this without talking about individuals. Because obviously not all individuals will be affected. But the trouble is you can't know until too late.

Mary you are absurdly defensive and have been throughout the thread.

My point is that judging is a good thing because it helps a parent reflect on their own family.

For any decent parent, this thread shouold make us think. Obviouly there are those who don't like thinking too much and get very very cross if anyone challenges them....

But I'm afraid they will just have to suck it up. Like an adult.

Maryz- there was one poster who went over the top on the anti side. I think everyone else expressed their views
quite calmly and reasonably. As I have said, I believe that children should be at home if at all possible and that the benefits of that outweigh any possible benefits of boarding. Do you want me to change my mind even though I still think I'm right because you think I should?

From what I understand Maryz has been active in this discussion because her DS, who has a very full long day and is older, wants to board. She does n't need to be defensive but she has an understandable interest in this debate, particularly where it relates to older children.

Mary you are clearly het up and have been throughout the thread.

Most posters have been measured, so I have no idea why you have felt the need to wade in throw your toys out of the pram.

You clearly like being Queen Bee...ho hum...

I'm reluctant to rejoin this thread because I find I rather depressing. I dislike the concept of judging other parents providing what they are doing is legal and I very much dislike the concept of judging other parents actions and decisions who we don't even know anything about and therefore cannot see or know the whole reason for their decisions. We as other parents are obviously free to say I wouldn't do that or I don't agree so wouldn't do it for my DC's but not to judge others decisions.
word you idea that parents "dislike" their children and that's why they send them to boarding school is basically misguided at best and unpleasant at worst. Only a small % of parents actually dislike their child/children, most at boarding school strongly belief that they are doing the right thing for their DC and are doing it because they love them.
There is a significant increase in mental health problems amongst teenagers and as only a small % board then it is obvious that neither family life and or day school life is the the idyl many on here are portraying it to be. I sadly see many children who've self harmed, or attempted to commit suicide (the vast majority obviously don't board), issues with family, friends and school are often sited as the main reasons, so being in a day school, living with your family is not necessarily any more likely to be the route to a happy well, adjusted adult than being in a boarding school.
Children thrive when they have loving caring supportive parents and other adults around them who listen to them and take their views into consideration, who guide them and carry on loving them when things go wrong, they need friends and an education that challenges them without overly stressing them, encourages them to take risks, gives them opportunities and interests them, opens their minds up to things they wouldn't normally meet in their lives and encourages them to realise their ambitions what ever they may be. I don't accept that there is only one way to achieve this.
I do accept that some dislike boarding and would never send their own DC's to a boarding school and for them their situation works well but what I choose to do with mine is my decision alone and I am doing exactly what the anti boarding brigade do; making the best decision for my situation. After 10 years of boarding my DS does not have home attachment issues, we have an exceedingly strong relationship he is a normal well adjusted teenager and I certainly don't love him less than DS1 who's at home so for us a family it's obviously working as well as for those who send their DC's to a day school.

I also find this thread depressing. I don't think I need to justify sending my child to boarding school any more than I need to justify any of the other decisions my family makes. As with all of them we make what we believe to be the best decision for us as individuals or as a family as appropriate.

why do other people, who don't know me or my children think I need to justify my decisions - with the unspoken presumption that my decisions are not likely to be in my children's best interests? that seems a really odd position to take.

hmm I am just presenting a view word. I have not judged you for keeping your child at home. Even though I do feel they are better off boarding.

It seems you are irritated by my attempts to trivialize your judgment. I forget we should all bow down to the queen. Unfortunately for you I don't subscribe to that. Im a Communist in name only.

So my DD flys 7000 miles away for an education. We are very close to the school. The HM is excellent. There is no disconnect between our DD and us. We rather see it as a partnership between the school , us and our daughter. Yes she was 11 at first boarding and has enjoyed it so much. She does fly back to HK on her own and is totally capable of doing so.

In her own words "it feels like I really doesn't do much studying. Yet I retain information easier. Its well cool. my friend xxxx and xxxx and xxxx. We did this and that and then we did this. I do love you but it really is so much fun"

Now when she is back she is more attentive to us and us to her. We just came back from Korea in which her cousin at day school had her Mother ring every night. which clearly annoyed her. I think she was just peeved that we give our DD more room to manoeuvre. So she is very dismissive of her parents. She feels smoothered.

Agian this may not happen to all day pupils but it does happen. So even if you see your child everyday and may over love them. They may just want to see the back of you....

Now isnt that something to thinks about....

mary what on earth makes you think I'm upset? I promise I'm not remotely...

As for winning and losing an argument on MN! Come on, don't be so silly. There is no winning or losing. There are just discussions. Which is why I cannot for the life of me see why you have been so het up about it all. Just completely absurd.

happy at no point have I said boarding parents dislike their DC. No point all. If you're going to get het up, at least let it be about something I've actually said or think...

Ink turns to blood over fibre optics.

Good saying that Grovel...I might nick it if you don't mind.

The fact is, as I've said plenty of times on this thread, I'm not anti-boarding per se.

DC have mates who baoard and they seem absolutely fine!

How this is me saying their parents don't love them, or me desperate to 'win' my argument (what argument would that be?), I cannot say .

I have also said that I can see how I would make a pragmatic choice for my DC to board if we lived in the arse of nowhere, or my child was being signed for Barcelona or whatever.

But it would be second best to what they have now.

How that is so screamingly controversial I do not know...christ, is the heat getting to you guys?

What the Queen Bee comment?

Good grief is that what you're moaning about?

Seriously, you were coming across like that! All, you must listen to me, you must respect me, you must not jusge me...maybe you didn't mean to come across all Queen Bee-ish, but you did .

word to quote from a previous post you made on this very thread;
"there are some people who really don't like their children and the responsibility that comes with it. .... They tend not to want to do the hard graft of parenting"
I think it's perfectly reasonable given your stance on boarding and the debate on this thread to assume that that was directed at some parents who choose to send their DC to a boarding school. Maybe I'm getting the wrong end of the stick here but to my mind that was what you were clearly saying.

Happy

There are some parents like that. There are some parents like that who choose boarding. There are, probably, some parents like that on this thread.

You cannot not extrapolate from that undeniable fact, that I therefore believe all parents who have their DC boarding don't like their DC! Particularly, in the light of my other posts.

There is some serious over reacting going on here...

I'm not over reacting in any way, or getting in the least bit het up in fact far from it. In fact it's you who seem to be getting slightly het up.
You've now expanded on your comments although I still don't personally agree. I'm going to stand by my original statement born of many years of experience; there are few parents who do dislike their children. I'm not saying there aren't some (who have children in day and boarding schools by the way, disliking your children is not the sole preserve of boarding parents) but even some parents who've seriously physically abused their children often don't dislike them. I'm also very against judging other parents, especially just because they're seem to be doing something we wouldn't think or do in a similar situation. How can you judge another parents actions? You can never really know what they were thinking. Can

any of us be that sure of our own judgement that we can judge others? IMO it's a very difficult call to make even when the facts seem as clear as day. As the bible says and although a confirmed atheist it does sometimes make wise comment; "judge not lest ye be judged".

The funny thing is that I think sending my DS to boarding school was one of the greatest acts of love I've shown him. It made me (initially) miserable but made him happy.

I also think some people have the wrong end of the stick about boarding. Even at full boarding schools DCs spend more than one night in three at home every year.

happy we all make judgments every single day about everything.

Often we don't have all the facts. Often it's impossible to ever have them.

We still judge and analyse. That is how we form decisions and opinions.

We are all judged and analysed on our actions as other people form their decisions and opinions.

So, I don't believe for one moment that I outsourced parenting to the school. DS had to make our family values work for him at school.

I suppose I did outsource homework nagging and school uniform laundering. Can't say I'm too sorry.