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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

How do you justify seding your child to boarding school?

882 replies

sunshine75 · 05/08/2014 19:15

I've read some pretty horrific things lately about boarding schools and the damage they can cause. See this article from the Guardian.

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jul/20/damage-boarding-school-sexual-abuse-children

However, I have no personal experience of one and have no close friends who went to one. Therefore, I don't want to be hasty in forming a negative opinion about them.

So, if you chose to send your child to a boarding school then I'm curious as to why you chose to? For example, why did you chose boarding over a really good day school? Is there anyone who chose a boarding school for a much younger child and was this a really hard thing to do?

OP posts:
schoolnurse · 11/08/2014 14:03

Sorry rabbit I'm just bring a bit pedantic.

Trix2323 · 11/08/2014 14:19

To answer the question in the OP, I sent my DS to boarding school because he wanted to go.

He enjoys it a lot. He is the kind of child that was always asking, "What can I do?", even on returning home from an activity. It suits him. He does plenty of sport, some music and two hours prep every evening.

School holidays are long, so he still spends around 20 weeks per year at home.

TheWordFactory · 11/08/2014 14:50

rabbit I know quite a few kids who have boarded because they want a particular kind of specialist education.

DS was a chorister and many of the other boys had to board (we literally lived around the corner). Similarly we know children at drama school and children who attend a special school for the deaf. And lots of kids at DS and DD's school baord because that's the only way they can access the school (live too far away).

It seemed to me that the parents agreed reluctantly and were willing to suck up the negatives to secure the specialist education. The DC all seemed fine with it, better than the DC I know, who were just sent away because that's what the parents wanted IYSWIM and those who refused to even acknowledge any negatives. These seem to be the unhappy ones (not that their parents would ever acknowledge that).

TheWordFactory · 11/08/2014 14:53

But it's an interesting question!

I personally believe that whilst we should try to support our DC's ambitions, ultimately we're the adults and sometimes have to make deciisons in their best interests that might not accord with their wishes.

There are some parents who don't really like children and the responsibility that comes with it.

They only really like children when they're behaving like adults; making their own decisions etc.

They tend to be the ones who prize independence above all else (whatever the child's age). They criisise other children for behaving like children. They tend not to want to do the hard graft of parenting Sad...

EastLynne · 12/08/2014 22:56

OK I might be getting the wrong end of the stick here , but Word are you implying that parents of boarding children , don't like children or do not wish to take responsibility or do the graft as parents . If so I disagree. If not , I apologise.

So to answer Hakluyt upthread , I think this is what my son's boarding school has given him which he would not have from a day school.

  • More responsibility - e.g. supervising younger pupils homework time / bedtime .
-More adults who take an interest in him and to whom he can turn for advice - e.g. HM , Deputy HM , House Tutor etc. He has people he can ask about e.g. university applications or just chats who have more experience than me . He can do this ad hoc during the evening.
  • More time with friends , I love hearing about the type of conversations he has with his friends over a cup of tea at night - some deep , some just funny but they are forging deep friendships.

So point 3 may not be quantifiable.
I think points 1 & 2 are..
So I agree that this time is at the expense of time he is spending with us, However at 17 - I'll deal with that - he tells me he loves the family time - he knows we love him and he likes both. I believe him from the way he behaves at home - we are a really close family.

I am one of those who believe 8 is too young for boarding - but I wouldn't criticise someone who did it for good reasons. We chose not to at 8. As teenager it has been great for DS

I think the problem Hakluyt is the whilst you oppose boarding per se (and your choice - I respect that ) the people who are supporting boarding as an option on here are not the - we've done it for centuries so we will continue to type of people - they are - it was the right school for our DC for XYZ reason - so not rabidly pro boarding - it worked for them .

Oh and by the way - whilst my son can work the train network for Sundays out - I would actually say that the day school child who has to navigate a bus / tube / train / each day to get to and from school is in that particular way showing more independence than my boarding boy who has to walk down the road and cross one quiet road to get into school and his classes . But you know what - not sure if that is the measure of an education.

As I said upthread - we chose a school , not boarding , the school itself has been fabulous for DS. It happens to be a boarding school.

EL

Maryz · 12/08/2014 23:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hakluyt · 13/08/2014 07:48

"nd yet parents are criticising parents "letting" their 16 year olds do the same."

Well, if this entire thread has been about 16 year olds then it's all been rather a waste of time......Hmm

petrova · 13/08/2014 08:08

I don't have to justify our decision - it was the right choice for our sons.
EastLynne makes very good points , as does HG.

TheWordFactory · 13/08/2014 08:16

mary who is talking about boarding at sixth form

TheWordFactory · 13/08/2014 08:19

Many prep schools take boarders at 8/9 (certainly most choristers start boarding then). And many DC go at 11 or 13, including termly boarding where they don't come home at weekends...a bit soon to start practicing for uni!

Kenlee · 13/08/2014 08:39

Actually does it really matter at what age they board?
Some children are able at 7 some may never leave home at 40. Do we love them any less?

The end justification for boarding has alway been and will always be what is best for your child. The decision can not be based on wether you think they may get abused. This is assuming like all good parents we have done our homework.

Is boarding school better than day school. That depends if the school's teaching style can be adopted by your child or not. There is no school out there that fits all types of children. That despite being told by the state that comprehensive is for all.

So yes the justification is choice. I have a choice and I exercise my right to use it. You may not like it. Then agian it has nothing to do with you.

Really its that simple

Maryz · 13/08/2014 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hakluyt · 13/08/2014 10:18

I am old enough to think of 16 as school
Leaving age- so anything post 16 is obviously different. But it's a bit daft, surely, to say that people who don't agree with boarding school are also going to be against going away to university! I think it's known as a straw man......

queenofthemountain · 13/08/2014 11:08

Maryz how can you possibly compare somebody going away to university at 18, with a child under 10 being sent to boarding school?

I don't get the argument about the extra-curriculars either. The amount of money spent on boarding could buy far better extra-curricular opportunities than any school could hope to offer.

TheWordFactory · 13/08/2014 14:09

Oh for heaven's sake! University is for adults. School is for children. It's a very simple distinction. I personally don't know anyone who is 'against' university. I know many people who live at home while at university because they can't afford it...but that's another thread entirely.

EastLynne · 13/08/2014 23:36

Hakluyt

Can you see anything in the points i have made , ? OK if not .

EL

rabbitstew · 13/08/2014 23:51

So, Hakluyt, are you saying that boarding school from the age of 16 is OK, then? Would it have been OK at 14 when the school leaving age for most people was 14?

summerends · 14/08/2014 04:02

Wordfactory although I agree university is a different experience to boarding school (no 'adults' to look after them) and most 18 years olds are pretty keen to leave home and spread their wings after school, they don't suddenly become adults at that age. It is only a simple distinction because tradition has made it so. Being away from home probably helps that process.
However traditionally many Europeans students live at home during university years and European parents view the British tradition of 18 year olds not doing this as a continuum of the British boarding school system.

Hakluyt · 14/08/2014 06:38

EastLynne-not sure what you want me to say. Responsibility- helping with the younger ones? Well there is the opportunity to do that in most schools. Not the bedtime bit admittedly. More people to take an interest in him? Well I suppose if you have an urgent question about your Ucas form at 8.00pm.... Apart from that, teachers in day schools take an interest in their pupils too! And friends? Once again, pupils in day schools have friends too. And they have time with their siblings and other family members too. And the opportunity to be alone.

Hakluyt · 14/08/2014 06:41

And I do find baffling the approach that says that you have to do something now because you have to do something else in a few years time. Homework in reception to get them ready for homework in secondary school? Formal
clothes in school because they'll have to wear them at work? Boarding school at 11 to get them ready for going away to university.....?

Kenlee · 14/08/2014 10:51

You know I do like to eat chocolate cakes.. So people say its bad for me and I should just eat cream cake. Others say I shouldn't eat anything. Its the only healthy choice.

Should I do what I am advised or enjoy my chocolate cake?

I see it as personal choice. In fact I like this idea of boarding school. As you know one child families are common place. Especially if you attach the stereotype to the Chinese. Its nice as her friends become her sisters and we all parents included become part of a larger family. I like that. Its nice. We are having a very nice girl over for Easter. Which will be nice.

As for prep for the future....Im sure the school will do that at the appropriate time. Let the kids enjoy life thats why they board. So they have the time to be children and do the extras as well.

People say well mine can do that at our local comprehensive. Well then thats all well and good. We didn't fancy it. So we didn't. Simple really...

Kenlee · 14/08/2014 10:52

sorry jusy got of the plane....

TheWordFactory · 14/08/2014 11:09

Well that's fine Kenlee.

Of course you are free to do as you choose with regards to schooling. But you simply cannot expect everyone to agree with you, running around in a rah-rah skirt, cheering you on Grin.

We all, as parents, make judgement calls for our families, each day every day. That is being a parent. And making a judgement, involves judging ie looking around us deciding what we think is good and what we think is bad.

The flip side is recongnising that we too are being judged.

That's a good thing surely?

None of us should be able to do exactly what the hell we like with our DC. We don't own them.

I really don't get why some of the parents on this thread think they are somehow immune. That no-one is allowed to judge. That they must be respected. It's a very odd, very entitled mindset actually.

summerends · 14/08/2014 12:16

Has anybody here said that they are immune to judgement Confused. Some people have done their best to explain their reason for sending or considering sending their DCs boarding and the positives they see from it. Those who are anti boarding and have the means to do so are obviously happy with the balance of education their DCs are getting and the advantages of home life.
BTW there does seem more posters with positive experiences of boarding here than negatives but the negatives have posted more frequently.

TheWordFactory · 14/08/2014 12:27

summer not you, but some posters definitely think they ought to be immune and that other people have no business taking a view on it.

Plain daft, if you ask me.

They don't like being challenged, obviously. Which again is just daft. Surely having our assumptions challenged is A Good Thing? Surely we should be constantly reassessing our lives, especially when it comes to DC?