How do you justify seding your child to boarding school?

[sunshine75]

I've read some pretty horrific things lately about boarding schools and the damage they can cause. See this article from the Guardian.

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jul/20/damage-boarding-school-sexual-abuse-children

However, I have no personal experience of one and have no close friends who went to one. Therefore, I don't want to be hasty in forming a negative opinion about them.

So, if you chose to send your child to a boarding school then I'm curious as to why you chose to? For example, why did you chose boarding over a really good day school? Is there anyone who chose a boarding school for a much younger child and was this a really hard thing to do?

Oh I suspect I'm very very thick ...

word I personally find judging the behaviour of other parents unsavoury.
I also strongly believe that to make a correct judgement of other parents we surely need to have as many facts as possible, and those facts should not be gathered from our gut feelings or person beliefs. So for example the statement "boarding causes family attachment issues" stated up thread, where are the actual facts to back this up, where is the empirical evidence for this? There is none, there is anecdotal evidence on both sides but no hard evidence. So if that is your under lying belief and then you make judgemental statement about parents who choose to send their DC's to boarding school you are basing your judgement on your own views and opinions rather than on any concrete evidence. What your saying is that in my opinion and for my DC I believe thar boarding would cause family attachment issues therefore it must be the same for you. Surely it's better to say it's not right for me and my DC's but I accept that it might work and be right for you? So for me personally I avoid judging other parents (in particular) I'm happy to express an opinion and offer advise but I'm loathe to actually judge other parents. Why? I suppose the answer is obvious because assuming it's legal when the chips are down it's none of my business.

Where did I say boarding causes attachment issues?

My DS got very attached to one of the pretty nurses in the school infirmary. She was too professional for that to become a big issue.

Just wanted to add that I don't think "judging is a good thing" I don't think it makes people look at their decisions and think about them, I think it puts peoples backs up and makes them more entrenched as demonstrated very clearly on this thread.
If the rather judgemental statement "boarding causes family attachment issues" had been worded in a slightly different way; e.g. "I would worry that if I sent my DC to a boarding school then it could cause family attachment issues" then that might make me think about what I'm doing, although in fairness I've thought about this already but im happy to revisit it or even "my godchild went to a boarding school in the last couple of years and has family attachment issues" then again I might ask for more info worried Im missing something with my own DS.

word'whee did I say you said it? I was using it as an example. I know I'm apparently not allowed to generalise or speak from individual personal experience am I not allowed to use examples of other peoples comments either?

I couldn't justify sending my dc's to boarding school.
But we have jobs thst don't necessitate moving the family on a regular basis, and no other compelling reason to need to.

I can understand a decision for a child to board if it is, for example, for continuity of education for the child of a military family.
But doing it through choice wouldn't be my way, and I struggle to understand it.

It's just that you said 'your' so I thought you meant me, since you were addressing me.

It seems odd to tackle me about a statement that I neither said nor believe...but hey ho...

FWIW I think attachment issues are extremely serious and rare. When posters bring it up with regards to working mothers, I know they don't understand it properly.

Boarding, for the most part, would only have a detrimental effect on attachment for those DC with exisiting difficulties. I very much doubt it would cause them in DC securely attached.

Re: judging/analysing, well we disagree. I think it's good to look around you and judge and analyse. There's no need to assume that all judgements will be negative. Far from it. There are lots of opportunities to see other parents doing it differently and thinking 'that's such a great idea'.

But yes, there will be times when we see something not too great and think 'how can I avoid that.'

Uusally one wouldn't actually pass on the analysis to the analysed. But MN is different. The whole point is to externalise our internal thought patterns. So that MN becomes an interesting insight in to what people are thinking.

Of course there are some parents who outsource their parenting. Of course there are bad parents and parents who don't like their children. The trouble with the way people are taking things so personally on this thread is that they are are being included in the outsourcing, bad parenting and disliking group. They aren't. Some boarding parents are going on about day parents micromanaging and smothering their children. I know I don't do that, so I ignore the comments.

The thing is that parenting, and the choices we make for our DCs, are so fundamental to our self-worth that we (parents) will always defend our choices to the n th. degree. Suppose we've got it wrong? Too awful to contemplate.

I haven't read all the posts on this thread but just wanted to say that I spent 7 years at boarding school in the 1960s/70s and loved every minute of it. I have school friends all over the world who think the same and we also keep in touch with some of the teachers who were there at the time. It was such a happy time for us all. My own dp lived abroad and I and many others flew across the world every holiday to see them. The plane journeys were a riot. when my parents eventually came back to settle in the UK they wanted me to leave (for financial reasons) but I resisted every attempt.

grovel I always figure that providing we're prepared to continually reassess, admit when we've made a mistake and change things, we'll be okay.

Also, that lots of things we parents worry about probably have a negligible impact on our DC .

"Suppose we've got it wrong? Too awful to contemplate" - surely if we don't constantly re-examine the choices we make for our dc, we will get it wrong. "Too awful to contemplate" - that's denial.

I can't believe this thread is still going

grovel They wash their clothes for them? That is reason enough for me, then.

For goodness sake everyone, you do what is best for your children. I'm sure the people on this thread either contemplating or already have dc at boarding school will have thought it through and be reassessing all the time.

Once again, I read a thread on here and I am no further towards making the decision, but I've come to realise this is good as there is no quick easy answer.

Of course we re-assess if there is a problem but if someone says to a parent of a (happily) boarding child that their choice will (or even may) damage the child, he/she can expect a fairly vigorous response. It's visceral.

morethanpotatoprints, it's better than that. They do name tapes too. What's to dislike?

TheWordFactory, I certainly agree with your second point. Most children are extraordinarily resilient and will find a way to cope/be happy with whatever we throw at them (and worry about).

I think it's just different approaches to MN. For some people, it's interesting to discuss opinions; not least because that's a good way to re-formulate your own views for the better - obviously you wouldn't take on board ideas which were unhelpful. For others, a different opinion is a personal thing, and so offence is taken.

The number of people in the world who feel damaged by things that happened to them in childhood or who behave in ways that indicate they might not have had fantastic early years indicates to me, grovel, that you are an optimist.

I get your point, DazzleII, but think that questions relating to parenting bring out really strong emotions.

If it was your opinion that Cabernet Sauvignon is infinitely classier than Pinot Grigio I'd laugh and tease you for being a wine snob. If you said that everyone should breastfeed for 12 months I would be more antagonistic (because I did not have the choice and would hate the idea that you thought my child might have been let down by me).

Tricky, innit?

rabbit, you may be right but I think I'm actually more fatalistic and agree with Larkin's first verse (if not his third):

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

"But if someone says to a parents of a (happily) boarding that our choice will (or even may) damage the child, he or she can expect a fairly vigorous response it's visceral."
Thank you grovel for pointing out the obvious at least it seems pretty obvious to me. I'm sure if the boot was on the other foot and we were criticising day education with the same unfounded statements many would be very quick to defend their position or even better if I launched the same sort of attack on state education spouting my personal views, and gut feelings we all know what sort of debate that sparks.
As a wise friend once said "I never think it's a good idea to criticise how others parent especially if you want to maintain harmonious relations with them".

Wow, huge thread BUT OF HUGE INTEREST! I need to read all of it as from next month am starting nqt year at v.posh boarding school!