How do you justify seding your child to boarding school?

[sunshine75]

I've read some pretty horrific things lately about boarding schools and the damage they can cause. See this article from the Guardian.

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jul/20/damage-boarding-school-sexual-abuse-children

However, I have no personal experience of one and have no close friends who went to one. Therefore, I don't want to be hasty in forming a negative opinion about them.

So, if you chose to send your child to a boarding school then I'm curious as to why you chose to? For example, why did you chose boarding over a really good day school? Is there anyone who chose a boarding school for a much younger child and was this a really hard thing to do?

[Ragwort]

At boarding school you are cared for by paid carers, who may be very nice and kind, but they aren't your parents and they don't love you as a parent would. They may not even like you much or have much interest in you

It's easy to think that all children live in idyllic homes where they are loved and treasured by their parents - doesn't more abuse happen in the home than at boarding school?

As always, it will suit some children and it won't suit others. Personally I would love my DS to go to boarding school, he would love it - he is an only child, hugely sporty, needs a lot of 'motivation' to succeed academically, sadly it is way out of our price range.

[Ragwort]

Mini - a lot of children don't do hugging and kissing, my teenage boy rarely hugs or kisses me. I can't imagine him wanting me to cuddle him to sleep when he was 9 or 10 - it's lovely if your boys like that (I am not criticising) but again, it does not apply to all children.

[lornemalvo]

I've always thought boarding school was for people who were unwilling or unable to make any time in their busy lives for the children they had.

[Hakluyt]

Sexual abuse of children neither is nor was confined to boarding school. Concern about it seems to me to be a very strange reason not to choose a particular school for your child.

Mind you, there is a Mumsnetter who refuses to let her child go to Scouts because she is convinced that all Scout leaders are paedophiles......

[byah]

I SO agree with Minifingers . Of course Boarding Schools are institutions and the question is why anyone would want to put their child into one , where they are looked after by strangers ( ie. not family ) instead of looking after and loving them on a daily basis? Children who
are sent away to school do not have someone to turn to who loves them . Why do it? Education is no better than in equivalent day schools , friends are term-time only and limited in choice and extra curricular activities are better for day pupils. The independence so often talked about is inappropriate especially when young, and is a sign of the change children have to make in themselves to survive in an institution.... As someone says this sort of "independence" is not the real stuff of living at home , getting yourself to school, working out your own activities, doing a bit of cooking , organising your time and yourself...
If the justification of sending your child away is because the parents are working... who is coming first parent or child? If the parents are so desperate to go to work there is always the option of having child care at home ..
So the question remains , Why send your child away??
There are special schools like the choir school mentioned but no child can make an informed choice at the age of 7 or 8 and not really at 13... It is all down to parental choice .. so ... Why not stop justifying your choice and just say you want to send your child away for someone else to look after no matter what...

[happygardening]

I've worked in nurseries where children as young as 6 weeks old are left series 50 hours a week 46 weeks of the year with staff who at best are caring and knowledgeable but generalyy quite caring uninspiring and clueless about real life child development. Where even at the best ones routine is so rigid it's unbelievable and the calibre of staff not inspiring, in contrast my DS2 didn't go to school or nursery till he was 5 years old in the most important years he was surrounded by the people who loved him most in the world and felt secure and confident.
I also as my previous post stated felt Gthatod necessity was the main reason we initially looked at boarding my DS couldn't get what he needed in the state sector and I'm wasn't prepared or able to drive 70 + odd miles a day to a suitable day prep whilst still having another child in a local primary.
My DS has been frequently touched/hugged/cuddled by school staff in fact I saw his HM, matron and assistant matron do it very recently. We're a touchy kissy family we see him on a very regular basis he always hugs and kisses us.
All the contacts I've had with boarding staff over the years both professionally and personly I'm general struck by how caring and dedicated they are , how concerned they are if children are unhappy and the lengths they'll go to if they're not.
My DS was recently talking about his HM in amongst a detailed list of his strengths and weakness one comment for me really stood out "he really cares about us'.

[Minifingers]

"It's easy to think that all children live in idyllic homes where they are loved and treasured by their parents - doesn't more abuse happen in the home than at boarding school?"

Yes - I agree, that children are better raised by caring strangers than family when the family is very dysfunctional and abusive.

It's the same with nursery. Babies are better off in nurseries than raised by abusive or neglectful mothers.

But most families are loving and not abusive.


"The independence so often talked about is inappropriate especially when young, and is a sign of the change children have to make in themselves to survive in an institution...."

I was very independent as an 11 year old. Learned to have panic attacks quietly, learned not to cry. I would travel across the world on my own several times a year - no problems. When I got my period I didn't want to tell my mother as I felt it was none of her business. I didn't want her to talk to me about anything intimate. I was mortified by the thought.

I look back now and recognise that for a very long time I existed with a low level of constant fear as the background emotion. I've only been able to put a name on the feeling as an adult. As a child I accepted it as normal. My parents certainly had no idea that I wasn't thriving emotionally.

I feel I've been lucky as an adult to be generally well in an emotional sense, but that's because I've made a positive effort to stay close to my parents and siblings over the past 30 years since leaving school, and have married into a warm, loving and demonstrative family. I talk to and see my siblings (who are 51 and 46) every week and talk to my mother every day. I would be very reluctant to live in such a way that I rarely saw my family now.

I think my older sister was profoundly damaged by the experience of boarding school. She's a recovered alcoholic and has never managed to have a family of her own - she has very low self-worth despite being a beautiful, clever and hard-working person. Her low self-worth led her into a severely abusive relationship, which thank goodness she's out of now.

Given that most well supported children can and do thrive in day schools - even, state schools, I really can't see the rationale for sending a child of primary age away.

[Hakluyt]

"I've worked in nurseries where children as young as 6 weeks old are left series 50 hours a week 46 weeks of the year with staff who at best are caring and knowledgeable but generalyy quite caring uninspiring and clueless about real life child development."

I think you would find it quite hard to find many people who think that's a good idea.

[Minifingers]

Of course most people who work in boarding schools are lovely, well adjusted people, with happy and fulfilling family lives of their own and plenty of time and love left over to act as proxy parents to the dozens of children in their care.

I'm wondering, when you take family and background out of the equation, what makes boarding school a better experience that being in local authority care? Because the cost of keeping a child in a care home is vastly more than the cost of boarding school. And weirdly, putting a child in care is considered the absolutely worst option - because there is absolute consensus among social work professionals that raising a child within a family, even if that family isn't perfect, is almost always better than raising a child in an institution. (Unless there is significant abuse and neglect happening in the family). Why is this the case for working class children but not for the children of the wealthy?

[Lottiedoubtie]

I work in boarding now, and have done on and off for many years.

In my first term I was taught a very valuable lesson by a senior teacher who has now gone on to be a headmistress.

We were walking down a corridor together when one of 'my girls' came running up to us in floods of tears. I wanted to hug her but froze- all those safeguarding concerns/PC gone mad bollocks hit me like a ton of bricks as I was effectively stood next to my boss and I was only 21 and inexperienced. In that split second that I had frozen the senior teacher had leapt forward, enveloped the girl in a huge hug and told her that it was ok, whatever the problem was we could sort it out. (She then went on to take the girl to a safe place to discuss her issue and find a solution).

It has always been my experience that if a boarder is upset/worried there are staff on hand who genuinely care and will drop everything in an instant to help.

I'm 100% certain this wasn't true in all schools 30-40 years ago and is one of the many reasons experiences from then can't really compare to modern boarding.

Of course this isn't the same as a parents love and time and it is why boarders always have access to technology to enable them to keep in touch and parents are always welcome to visit the school.

Times between going home are also much much shorter now than in the past.

[Minifingers]

Just been browsing boarding school jobs. Amazed by how badly paid they are, how few qualifications and what little experience they ask for compared to teaching jobs.

We had some right oddballs as house mistresses/masters. But then how many well adjusted people would want a job which requires you to live on site (often in single person accommodation) and be available through the night for much of the week, year after year?

[Lottiedoubtie]

Wonderful xpost with mini fingers. Thanks for the insult, always much appreciated...

[Minifingers]

No - it's most definitely not the same as parental love.

Children in boarding school are not parented in the same way as children who live in families.

[Hakluyt]

This is really going to sound like an inflammatory question. I don't mean it to be. But I don't understand any of the answers I have ever been given either in real life or online.

Why would you want a child to spend a significant amount of time- all their school life being cared for by someone who will be kind, and supportive but who cannot possibly love them. Why might you think being shown love on a day to day basis isn't important? Why is it OK for a child to live somewhere where there is, by definition, no one who can put their needs and interests first? (I'm not saying that is always a good idea, but surely it's equally not a good idea for it never to happen?)When my children are not picked for a team, or have a nasty falling out with a friend, or have some other childhood disaster they want a parent. Not a teacher, however wonderful.

[Minifingers]

How long did you stay in the job?

I take it you weren't a parent yourself?

[Minifingers]

They value achievement of the sort that they believe can only be obtained by placing a child in an institution 24 hours a day for 5 or 7 days a week, above the value they place on sharing time together as a family during their child's very short childhood, after which they won't usually be living at home anyway.

And they honestly be
Ie e that it's emotionally and socially preferable and beneficial for even quite young children to be raised in groups and not in family units.

[Lottiedoubtie]

I was full time live in for four years before marriage etc... At a small girls school. And you are right in one respect, many of these type of schools don't have massive family accommodation (although many are working towards it) and as such it attracted a fair amount of 'single women' to the job. I dispute that these are by default maladjusted however! It is getting rarer and and rarer that these jobs go to unqualified staff however. All of the other people I worked with were qualified teachers and I did my qualification 'on the job'.

Now post marriage I work at a different school where boarding staffing is much more all encompassing. DH and I work in different houses and live in school accommodation (separate to the boarding house). All resident tutors and HMs are married, approx half with children and family accommodation is provided for all.

Boarding isn't right for all children. But then nor is any one type of school. I had a miserable time at a state day school and it was clearly not the right place for me. Unfortunately my parents had neither the money nor the inclination to investigate other options.

[Lottiedoubtie]

Hakluyt - many of the boarders I have come across have more success getting boarding staff to put their needs first than their own parents.

And for the rest, it is true that they live at school. It isn't true that aren't in daily contact with their loving and supporting home base. Boarding staff communicate regularly with parents, daily or several times daily if the situation warrents it.

If they miss out on a part in a play, or a place in the first team children have a choice of who to turn to. Friends (just as day children would), academic staff, pastoral staff and their parents are also available at the touch of a button.

[Minifingers]

You were unqualified when you got the job?

[Picturesinthefirelight]

Dd is a day girl at a specialist dance boarding school. She travels 40 miles there & back each day.

Whilst I am glad that she still comes home each night in some ways I wish we could afford for her to board as she misses out on a lot socially plus the long hours & travelling make homework etc difficult.

She has boarded occasionally (during performance weeks eg) & loved it.

At her school there is an exeat weekend every half term plus half term itself do they come back hone every 3-4 weeks.

It's a highly specialist education only available at four schools (a few more if you count the non funded ones)

[Minifingers]

I think for children from neglectful and/or abusive families both nurseries, care homes and boarding schools can provide a better environment.

I fail to see how they are as good as or better than a loving family home in terms of emotional development goes.

And I can absolutely see how an expensive boarding school could be a better experience than a grim state school but for most if not all parents who use boarding schools this isn't the choice they're making. They are choosing a boarding school over a private day school.

[TheWomanTheyCallJayne]

We're not mini fingers.
We're choosing a state boarding school over a state high school.
That's why these threads that come along and make blanket statements about why parents are doing things or how all children experience something annoy me.

[TheWomanTheyCallJayne]

In fact the other option was a private boarding school (we didn't like the local private) but much prefer this school and it means we wouldn't need to jump the hoops for so much financial help which is also a bonus.

[Hakluyt]

I do know one family where weekly boarding works incredibly well- two very high flying parents, kids go to school on Monday morning, come home on Friday evening, parents get all work commitments done in the week, and the weekend is family time.

[Lottiedoubtie]

I had a degree and was closely supervised yes.