How do you justify seding your child to boarding school?

[sunshine75]

I've read some pretty horrific things lately about boarding schools and the damage they can cause. See this article from the Guardian.

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jul/20/damage-boarding-school-sexual-abuse-children

However, I have no personal experience of one and have no close friends who went to one. Therefore, I don't want to be hasty in forming a negative opinion about them.

So, if you chose to send your child to a boarding school then I'm curious as to why you chose to? For example, why did you chose boarding over a really good day school? Is there anyone who chose a boarding school for a much younger child and was this a really hard thing to do?

They are slewed because the research is self selecting. Therapist who've done most of the research and frequently write and report about their experiences of helping boarding children are obviously only reporting on those they've met. Happy well adjusted ex boarders don't go to therapists.
Happy well adjusted ex boarders are I suspect highly unlikely to join the boarders survivors association, (run by a therapist who has published much of the research on the effects on boarding) as I pointed out the programme about a Radley only showed 6 of the boys what about the other 694 boys would they have told a different story? I know at least 40 ex boarders all late forties, fifties some are complete arses, many are just like all the rest of us, some are happily married, some are divorced, some amazing parents some crap parents. As I said before the most funny, caring, lovely individual, adored by all, I've ever met, boarded from 7, the biggest arse I've ever worked with went to a day school, the most dysfunctional controlling parent without it being a CP issue was educated at a day school. We all respond differently to our circumstances. Life is multi factorial, children (day and boarding) from the same family, as far as I can see experiencing the same thing frequently emerge differently often telling conflicting stories.
The two most fucked up individuals I personally know very well never boarded both have been severely traumatised by their families, one was abused but one has no CP issues just a severe personality clash with one of her parents but has a sibling whose completely barn door normal and has a completely different take on their upbringing.

Mayz as you will see I rephrased by statement about "home attachment" so as not to make a generalisation.

The thing is, you could accept that 'boarding weakens family attachments' without believing that that is necessarily a negative effect. The way we encourage and condone increased independence in 4 year olds when they start school would probably seem strange and damaging to the family unit from other cultural perspectives, but most parents accept it as a perhaps slightly painful/difficult but also exciting and fulfilling step in their child's life. I realise that hakluyt has a bit of an agenda in that she's made it clear that she does view this as a negative effect of boarding in almost all cases, but you could accept the observation without accepting the conclusion.

Mary - yes I appreciate that, you would certainly need a study that was based upon broad-based recruitment rather than volunteers who as you say are always more likely to feel strongly positive or negative. Such a study appears not to have been done, at least not with the sort of boarding experience we're talking about here. As you say, there has been a body of research from a psychoanalytic perspective, but focused in that case specifically upon long term damage. I have found some of that research very interesting from a personal point of view (even though I loved boarding), but it's obviously not the place to look for an objective overview.

Just to add in relation to the skewing. As well as all the other factors listed above we agree that boarding is not suitable for all. Therefore for any results to apply to our DCs you would need to exclude those who should not have been sent (like Mini) and compare with day children who would also potentially have liked to board. Most published cohorts will be observational of boarders only without any baseline psychological data.

I didn't send my DS2 to nursery or school till yr 1 for a whole variety of reason (he had health problems) but amongst them was my belief was that he personally was better at home with me, he had a very strong "home attachment" and as I frankly couldn't see what he was going to learn at nursery/school that I couldn't teach him as well if not better so why send him?

I am still very confused about this view that boarding doesn't give you a full family life?

I went to a state school, came home every night yet I am not particularly
Close to my parents and siblings. Some on this thread seem to indicate that if you come every night regardless of what you come home to you everything will be fine and you can take the moral high ground.

We are told not to judgemental about family life, that "family" no longer means mum and dad, 2.5 kids and dog, living in a semi, Monday to Friday 9-5 jobs, buying their clothes in M and S and their food in Sainsbury, one holiday abroad a year etc. We're meant to look at the bigger picture and the individual families/children, are they happy, are their physically needs being fully met, are their emotional and social needs being fully met, are they achieving their full potential? If you can say yes then how it's achieved (as long as it's legal) is irrelevant.

I disagree, happygardening. We can't really know whether someone's emotional and social needs are being fully met, or whether they are achieving their full potential (tbh, I don't even know what this really means). All society seems to expect is that we don't obviously fail to meet the needs of our children. Provided we are not obviously negligent, we are left to get on with it. There is absolutely no requirement or expectation that we should fully meet our children's every need and ensure they meet their full potential. Personally, I think one good parent is less good than a mother and father both being good parents and good partners together. It may be better than two bad parents, but call me judgemental and all, but I don't think it's the best situation, so there's still a hierarchy there, in most peoples' minds.

Wow such angst in this thread. My children board and to be honest I dont feel alienated from them at all and they love boarding. I believe them to have a very secure attachment in that they feel safe, happy and loved when they are with us and without us. They are happy going to school and happy coming home. Attachment is about being emotionally present first and foremost using whatever ways you can to convey feelings rather than just being physically present and quality time is as important as quantity. Even though my children are physically away from me while they board we are emotionally very close. I know plenty of children living with their parents who are emotionally miles apart. Of course this works both ways so you just have to listen to and know your family. We dont need anyones permission or approval for the decisions we make as a family, so best of luck in the decisions you make for your own families, they are yours and yours alone and if you are anything like me, they were made after considering everyones input, feelings, concerns, hopes and dreams and with the intention of cultivating everyones wellbeing both now and in the future.

Your right rabbit we can't ever know but as professionals we can consider developmental mile stones both physical and emotional general behaviour, sociability etc. use our experience, your definition of need probably isn't mine. Food water shelter clothing warmth stimulation suitable toys love hopefully friends etc.
It is not for me or anyone else to judge whether one good parent is better or worse that two, I genuinely can't comment. It is the child that matters if they are happy, their physical needs being met and they appear emotionally well adjusted if yes then the number of parents is completely irrelevant.

My two DS are both at the same boarding prep 3hrs from home (nearest one) and they love it. So much so they asked me last week when do they go back to school,when I replied 3 weeks they both said immediately I wish it was 3 days!!!! They are so happy and fulfilled, it was the best choice we ever made but yes I wil be in floods of tears when they go! :(

pepper it doesn't matter what any of us say, we're wasting our breath. Apparently we cannot back up our case with generalisations, individual experiences, parental gut instinct (generally accepted as significant in the medical world) or experiences of lots of people of all ages are also not allowed, hard data e.g. about staff qualifications is ignored. The anti boarding brigade just will not accept that our children are happy, well adjusted and without home attachment issues. They can of course back up their argument with so called research from therapists, stories from self selecting support groups or TV programmes.
Luckily of course we know the real truth.
Most interestingly not one person has come on here with a child that's very recently boarded and removed them because they were unhappy, all who believe boarding is wrong are either adults who boarded as children (but as all know boarding has changed enormously) or particularly oddly have never boarded themselves and have children who've never boarded and I suspect most have never even set foot in a boarding school.
Frankly if I was researching into this topic I would find the views of parents with children currently boarding the most credible by a very long way.

You're not wasting your breath, happy. I've found this thread very interesting and it has certainly helped me reflect both on my own (positive) experience of boarding and solidify my feelings about it in general. One thing I have always found difficult to articulate/understand is the conflict between how much I loved boarding school myself and my underlying feeling that it would never be my first choice for a child (although as I've said I wouldn't rule it out completely). There have been lots of very thoughtful contributions to this thread which have helped me understand a bit better why that might be.

Kalidasa in the ideal world would my first choice be boarding? Primarily from my point of view more than my DS's; I miss him every day he's not here. On the other hand I don't like or have the time to drive round endless extra curricular activities, generally I cant stand the parents at these things and I'm a pretty slack parent so not good at nagging about homework etc. I loath washing school uniform, making sandwiches topping up dinner cards or finding DS1 has missed the school bus and either having to drive him to college or even worse he doesn't go because we're all at work. I hate it on the occasions when neither my DH or I get back from work till late and I know he has to come home and cook his own dinner. On some of his exam days no one was here when he got up and when he came home from school to wish him luck or ask him how it went.
We do want works best for us as individual families.

Interesting about bullying. DS2 was saying that if one boy physically hits punches etc another boy then regardless if teachers/HM's etc. being involved or not all the others won't talk to him for ages even if the one who responded physically himself was being endlessly teased/provoked by the boy he retaliated against. It's very frowned upon by the boys themselves so rarely happens.

Where I work there is obviously some bullying- all schools have bullying at some level. It generally takes place during the school day across houses.

In house boys/girls are incredibly supportive of each other and they have a real family atmosphere. They stick up for their 'housemates' around school as well. Even (often especially) if they don't like them that much, they are still protective.

I'll never forget in my early weeks here I was covering a sixth form class and one charming boy (X) was quite rude to me. I was just opening my mouth to bollock him when another sixth form boy (6 foot tall, first team for several sports) growled 'show some respect X, shut up'.

Sporty boy was in 'my' house and he didn't want to see me disrespected, never mind any of the younger boys!

I was touched and it was a good lesson in how the teenagers themselves view the way that the school works.

I think in boys schools low level bullying is not as intense as in a girls school.

My daughter is very protective of her friends and her friends of her. There are incidents where the popular girls do try to intimidate the nerdy girls...

My daughter just replies MEH....yeah ok...laughs with her friends about what had just been said. When approached why are you not taking it seriously as wearing the wrong shoes seems to be high on their agenda. My daughter replies your view is irrelevant to me but it is highly amusing. She has taught this to all friends. So they all laugh. It is difficult being the bully at their school. Most girls don't bite the bait and laugh. The girls soon learn not to bother..

I say that is an indictment of how well a boarding school. prevents the bullying.... no need for extreme measures just make it very uncomfortable to bully in tje first place.

The school is very sensitive to racial abuse. My daughter was asked by a girl if she was Chinese and got a caution. Thabk goodness my daughter said it was not malicious. They are best of friends now..

Just wondering: for those who are against children goin away to boarding school, do you have in mind an age when it would be OK to be taught away from home? Are you OK with an 18/19 year-old going to university? What about 16 for A-levels? At what age is it OK for the child concerned to express a desire to go, without it implying negatively that the child just wants to get away from their parents? What if they want to be a ballet dancer, or musician, or chorister, from a young age, and know their chances would be better if they went to a specialist (boarding) school? Is it still more harmful than not for them to go if they are below a particular age?

Just because a young child expressed a desire to board doesn't mean they want to get away from their parents. rabbit you are over simplifying things. Even children living in the most dreadful situations; alcoholic parents etc frequently don't wish to leave home, especially at an early age.
I personally knew a child carer who was really at her wits end looking after a very disabled parent and becoming increasingly resentful and angry whose behaviour was just awful but when offered boarding her loyalty to her mother came rushing back. Another child of an alcoholic parent didn't want to move in with her grand parents even for a few weeks.

happygardening - I am not over simplifying things, nor am I expressing my opinion. I'm simply trying to understand more the thought processes of those who object to boarding at any age (or at least, I assume it's at any age, because those who object to it haven't specified that they are only referring to 7 or 8-year old children). Hakyult said specifically that the worst reason for sending a child to boarding school was because they said they wanted to go. I was interested to know why and have mooted one possibility for that. There would be no point my expressing every possibility I can conceive of for why she thinks that, because I still might not hit on the right one...

I suppose I could ask other questions, if that makes you happy, happy: at what age is a child old enough to be able to express a clear ambition for something? Is a child too young to know its mind about, eg a dancing or musical ambition, below a certain age? Too young to understand the sacrifices and therefore shouldn't be allowed to ask to make them, if the sacrifices involve being away from home for extended periods of time?