How do you justify seding your child to boarding school?

[sunshine75]

I've read some pretty horrific things lately about boarding schools and the damage they can cause. See this article from the Guardian.

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jul/20/damage-boarding-school-sexual-abuse-children

However, I have no personal experience of one and have no close friends who went to one. Therefore, I don't want to be hasty in forming a negative opinion about them.

So, if you chose to send your child to a boarding school then I'm curious as to why you chose to? For example, why did you chose boarding over a really good day school? Is there anyone who chose a boarding school for a much younger child and was this a really hard thing to do?

Hakluyt how on earth did you equate the use of the terms 'micromanagement' and 'mollycoddling' to have meant normal family life?

However since we all have normal family life during the 20+ weeks boarding school holidays by your reasoning boarding families are doing prorata micromanagement and mollycoddling .

" Hakluyt how on earth did you equate the use of the terms 'micromanagement' and 'mollycoddling' to have meant normal family life"

Read back. People did!

I getting really fed up of this now I can categorically state that "home attachments" are not weakened by boarding. How do I know? I have one DS in both, I have friends with DC's in both some in both day and boarding schools, I work every day with children in both, some have strong "home attachments" some don't. You cannot generalise or say because this happened to my god children or me or my DH or Uncle Tom Cobley for that matter this will also happen is happening to your child.
After 30 years of working with children let me tell you what fucks up "home attachment; acrimonious divorce, alcoholism, drugs, neglect, abuse, significant parental mental health problems, significant physical health priblems, new partners, poverty. These are the things that create "home attachment" problems.

"You cannot generalise or say because this happened to my god children or me or my DH or Uncle Tom Cobley for that matter this will also happen is happening to your child."

I'm not. But you are.

I went to boarding school in the 80s. I went because it was a specialist music school and my parents promised I could go if I got through the auditions. My mother later told me she cried every time I went back.

I was a bit homesick to start with, but later was very happy. I am the youngest of a large family and all the others had left home by the time i was 14. I would have hated being the only one at home. I'm still really close to the friends I met there - we brought each other up and they have kind of taken on the status of family members. (I'm close to my siblings too).

My housemistress was an amazing role model -passionate about helping "her girls" achieve their potential. She instilled in me a belief that I could do anything I put my mind to and I still draw on that if something feels daunting.

I would consider sending DS to boarding school - but only if he wanted to go. And if he went and was unhappy I would listen and let him change his mind.

As with any educational decision, you have to look at the child as an individual. Boarding school suits some people and not others.

I'm not sure why everyone is so cross with hakluyt. As I've said, I had a very positive experience of boarding, as did quite a few of my friends, and I wouldn't rule it out for one of my own children, especially in adolescence; but what hakluyt is saying about some inevitable weakening of family attachment as a result just seems sensible and accurate to me and part of what you would/should weigh up in considering the pros and cons. Everyone I think admits that boarding children often/generally have stronger bonds with friends and sometimes teachers as a result and that's just the flip side of that I think. I can well believe that some parents are in a position/wish to do more to mitigate this effect than others, but that doesn't mean it isn't an effect. I am still struggling to find any objective, peer reviewed research on the effects of boarding but I am an academic with access to scholarly journals online so will report back if I do find anything after a more thorough search.

No I'm not generalising I've repeatedly said ad infinitum that boarding is not right for all, find me one occasion where Ive said it is, that some children are miserable even traumatised by the whole experience (as they are in day schools of course) but many have a time of their lives and also remain happy well adjusted members of their own families with no "home attachment" issues or any other issues repeatedly suggested on here.
I do not believe boarding is right for all and in fact have said this on specific threads about boarding or that every school is right for all or even more specifically that my DS2's school is right for all or any other boarding school be it state or independent but it works exceedingly well for many.

"I getting really fed up of this now I can categorically state that "home attachments" are not weakened by boarding. How do I know? I have one DS in both, I have friends with DC's in both some in both day and boarding schools"

That certainly sounds like generalising to me............

I do think children by the way are more mollycoddled as do most of my colleagues we have seen significant changes in the way parents treat their children in the last 30 years, certainly children have more possessions and even the smallest child is able to say no to something which is absolutely crucial and parents just roll over. I believe there is also plenty of anecdotal evidence backing this us.

Ok I'll rephrase and modify the original statement "home attachment" "do not* have to be weakened by boarding. Does that suit you better? Perhaps you'd like to do the same? As you made the original generalisation "by definition home attachment are weakened by boarding".

The reason Hakluyt is provoking some confused sceptism is by her selective misinterpretation of certain comments to make it seem as though we are arguing black and she white.
Kalidasa the problem with any such research is that results are skewed by people like minifingers and poor boarding environments. You really would have to do subgroup analysis, preferably with a cohort who had psychological testing before and even then only strong negative signals would be detected and not the more subtle negative effects.

"The reason Hakluyt is provoking some confused sceptism is by her selective misinterpretation of certain comments to make it seem as though we are arguing black and she white. "

No I'm not. I qualify my statements like mad.

I honestly feel that every parent on here is doing what she/he feels is best for their dc. I am sure boarding school is an enriching and empowering environment for many (often very privileged) children. I am equally sure that many at inadequate state schools would benefit greatly from such opportunities.
I (as a teacher and a mother) have always felt that a loving, caring home can go most of the way to offset any deficiencies in a school. I also feel that no school, however fine and caring, can make up for a sad home life. All we can do is love our children and make decisions based on individual perceptions and circumstances.
There is no need to 'justify' those decisions as long you are 100% happy with the choices you have made for your children.

So as you won't rephrase your statement about "home attachment being g weakened by boarding then Hakluyt you are happy to make generalisations yourself but I'm not allowed too. Smacks of one rule for you but a different one for anyone who doesn't agree to my mind. You leave yourself looking frankly ridiculous.
I attempt to always qualify my statement based on my own exceedingly extensive and personal experience.

greylady why spoil your point by having a dig at some the children in boarding schools? I fail to see what bring privileged or not has to do with this particular debate.

I think i should just troll...

I say that those who are in day school are abusing their children. Day school is nothing but an institution. We should all home study so our children can learn in the home environment. Basically its only an institution to mind our children because we can not be bothered to do it or to focused on work.

The teachers are all dangerous and some might not even be qualified. I mean are all those TA's and academic specialist qualified. Even if they are what guarantee are there that they won't abuse our children.

All of you are neglectful parents who hate your children..It doesnt matter if your child is happy and doing well. I or my friend from an eon ago did not like it. I have a friend of a friend of a friend child who was abused. Therefore your child will be....

This is the argument I hear for not boarding so I wrote it up for day school. It just highlights how stupid the arguments are.

Most boarder parents are quite happy for your children to day school....We just prefer to board ourselves...

hakuyt I do feel you have a tendency to take comments out of context. Then highlight parts to spin your own content on it. Its damn irritating...

All I know is that personally, I do not want a long term relationship with my ds during his formative years. He is not a teenager yet, but even if I only see him for half an hour before bedtime, it is worthwhile, as long it you have a good relationship with open communication.

My mother went to boarding school (abroad) she chose it herself, but that was because she was desperate to get away from her own mother who was a very controlling difficult person.

Sorry> not "long term"!!! rather "long distance"

Kenlee- why not discuss things sensibly?

Happygardening. No I'm not. If you spend the majority of your time not with your family then family attachments will be weakned. We can argue about the effects of the weakening- there may be not, or may even be beneficial- but it can't not happen!

Oh Hakluyt so what your saying is that I can't recognise that my DS2's family attachment are weakened? That you know my DS better than I do? That you are more qualified than the parents and all those boarding staff who come into contact with them in all senses of the word to make this statement about my DS and many others?
You need to come and work in one of my old work place they need more arrogant judgemental prejudiced staff who are not prepared to listen to the individual parents or listen to and assess the individual children in an unbiased non judgemental way (despite having done the yearly mandatory "don't judge discriminate against a staff/client, there's more than one road to Rome, we are all different course) There's plenty of vacancies by the way moneys not great, lack of experience a positive advantage, boat rockers not wanted Im sure you'd be very welcome.

Hakluyt We have repeatedly shown you that actually weekly boarders spend the majority of their time at home not school.

Hakluyt's statement still seems uncontroversial to me, to be honest, and really just another way of putting the common 'increased independence' observation. Of course a gradual process of increased independence is a natural and desirable part of growing up and I can see that a parent might well feel that boarding - like being increasingly involved in and responsible for hobbies, activities etc - contributes to this in a healthy way.

I very much appreciate the difficulties involved in any objective assessment of the long term effects of any formative experience, but I don't think you can say that results would be 'skewed' by those with bad experiences: any worthwhile study would have to be looking at a large enough number across a broad enough range to be assessing the overall average outcome. It does seem that such a study has not been done though I have found some interesting material all the same which I find thought-provoking in connection with my own experience.