How do you justify seding your child to boarding school?

[sunshine75]

I've read some pretty horrific things lately about boarding schools and the damage they can cause. See this article from the Guardian.

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jul/20/damage-boarding-school-sexual-abuse-children

However, I have no personal experience of one and have no close friends who went to one. Therefore, I don't want to be hasty in forming a negative opinion about them.

So, if you chose to send your child to a boarding school then I'm curious as to why you chose to? For example, why did you chose boarding over a really good day school? Is there anyone who chose a boarding school for a much younger child and was this a really hard thing to do?

Mini I'm not going to cover what has already been discussed. Hopefully your DCs will like living with their friends by the time they go to university.
All I can reiterate is I have a very happy boarder and a very happy day child. The latter wants to board now despite saying that nothing can replace home. As rabbit has said it is a balance.
I do know that in the right boarding school the DCs gain the benefit of additional adults (mainly teachers) interested in them and caring for them just as they benefit from extended family outside school. These are n't replacing parents.
I am also fully aware from experience that a boarding parent has to make extra effort to keep the communication going during the days they are away but in our case we continue to have a strong warm relationship.

"There is decent behaviour just with the absence of liking and true interest"
Can you read mimi I've a,rosy commented on have no interest no or like them comment? I know my DS's HM not only likes him but he really cares about him and all of them and I won't out myself but I was stunned when he was telling me about what he was going to do over the next two weeks (exam results coming out) he regards the boys as his boys their welfare is his number one priority.
Mimi you are so unwilling to hear any argument but your own that aim begin going to think if this is what happens if you spend 5 years in a boarding school then I better take me DS out, even though he doesn't wants to leave.

Ok one last comment. You can be sociable, have good friends, nice family life, good relationships and still want to be home, and at 12 or before be upset that you're not. Because boarding is not slightly further away for small amounts of time and feeling like you'd prefer to be at home is ok. It's normal.

But it still can be the right decision to board, the opportunity or situation can make it so.

Yep, that about sums it up marsha either can be the right option, both are valid lifestyle choices and what matters most are the individuals concerned.

Ha done!

My dp went to boarding school and hated it but this was due to then un diagnosed learning difficulties and a very academic environment which didn't match well. He is also an introvert, as am I, and his sister didn't go which made him feel very alone.

I think I would have enjoyed it though as I was desperate to be immersed in academia.

I don't think it's black and white

Cheesy I think after your post Marsha could say 'and I rest my case*

"Hopefully your DCs will like living with their friends by the time they go to university."

I very much doubt they'll like them so much they'll want to share a room with them.

Not sure I'll ever completely get my head round people having 30K a year to spend on education, meaning they can pay for a good private day school, extra curricula activities, tutoring and as much extra support as they or their child needs to keep your family life going, and they choose to spend it on having their child live at school, rather than with the family. If I had that much money to spend on furthering my child's skills and happiness, and of funding great things to do as a family, there's no way I'd squander on paying for them to sleep at school all week.

Give it up mini we get it. You are entitled to your opinions but it's time to accept that your choices aren't everyone's and just because you wouldn't do something doesn't mean the people who do it are morally deficient in some way.

But yes - there is room for all sorts in this world, as there should be.

The upper classes in the UK have a long tradition of sending their children to live with other people in the belief that it'll be a morally and educationally bracing experience.

So no change there.

Well, someone had to make a case for those no doubt tens of thousands of children who've found boarding school a lonely and frightening experience over the decades.

Minifingers. - your posts seem to come out of jealousy. My dd boards due to a sport - she loves it - She is already talking about going back - I hate it and miss her terribly - I am lucky that I can go and visit her in the week and she comes home at the weekend. However my DS would hate to board - 2 different children - different needs ap- I think good parenting is about knowing your children and providing them every opportunity to fulfill their potential AND that is what I am doing !!!

I have just seen this thread, it is very obvious that some of those who are so against boarding have never set foot in a boarding school in recent years if at all.

My DS aged 12 is an only child and going to boarding school in 2015, he cant wait to go, his choice. He is extremely bright with a high IQ, we have a fantastic relationship with him and he does a lot of extra curricular activities. I am proud we have raised him with the confidence to make the decision.

I have seen other parents with children of his age who look at me with disbelief that I can send my only child away!! however their children seem so smothered they would be incapable of making the smallest decision, is this not damaging their development!

DS cant wait to go so that he can spend more time with like minded boys, I certainly would not hold him back, this is his life and its not about me!!

Mini -DS has a very strong sense of family and self and does not follow the pack, he goes with our full support. As previous posts have said its not for everyone.

Mini as I am sure you know American college accommodation is based on a room share. Does that mean the Americans are also weird in fostering close friendships?
Also as you should also know most public school boarding accommodation in the upper years are single rooms so it is very much like living with your friends in student accommodation, just more adults around to look after you and look after you.

Mini - you really are showing some very strange views. You are clearly out of touch with modern boarding and feel as you didn't like it no one will!

Upper classes sending their children to boarding schools... Don't make me laugh. I am really really not upper class. We both work so can afford the fees but people talking about Mum and Dad cooking breakfast on exam day. Well I have heard everything now. Do you not think people work and we often long gone at 0800 .....

Mini it is obvious that you and your siblings should never have been sent boarding or that it was the wrong choice of school and that it has affected you deeply. It must be clear to you that those on the thread who are considering boarding or already have children who board are not doing it through tradition or social pressure. We also are loving parents like you and would not wish what you went through to happen to our DC

Mini I do not think I was tauting you. Im just very intrigued that you find a boarder parent as bad.

I thought it would be enlightening to hear what a good parent would say on our children who board. I just thank the Gods that my DD has been raised with good manners and a loving nature.

Anyway as I said before boarding ia good for those who enjoy it. Those who don't shouldn't.

Its really very simple.

I am lucky we can afford the fees and the extras...My daughter enjoys it...She enjoys her holidays as well.. but I am sure someone will come along with some dubious research to prove their point.

mini as has also been said at least twenty times already some of those people stumping up 30k, in fact at my DS2's school and many others it's now a fraction of 35K (before extras) so you're out if touch with that one as well, whether they are upper classes, wealthy middle classes or on a bursary/scholarship they are doing it because it's the best educational option for their DC's. I've friends in the army they've has 20 homes in 20 places in the world they've never stayed anywhere longer than 18 months, many rural families don't have access to convenient extra curricular activities or choices of schools, and many parents work exceedingly long hours, shifts or travel for work and rightly think that qualified teachers, nurse, doctors, experienced matrons etc with friends and extra curricular are better than au pairs or nannies in their early 20's.
We all keep saying it's really down to the individual child and his or her family circumstance. There is more than one way to successfully raise a child.
Finally you haven't once mentioned unhappy children in day schools (state or independent) there are numerous posts on MN about unhappy day children, my own DS1 was monumentally unhappy and uncared for by teaching staff at his "outstanding high performing" academy.

I can't agree more happy....

The underlying theme that all boarder parents have in common is that they have made a choice for their child.

If anything most are very meticulous in their choice. I did quite a lot if research on schools. I read up on a lot of forums before we settled for the school of our choice. I did not just place her into the one that was available or one that had the biggest brand name.

If we wanted a brand she could have stayed locally in HK. We chose because it was right for her. No parent will send their children off to board and have no parental contact with their children. Even my husband who works 24/7 will talk with his daughter at 2 AM local time every Sunday morning.. We fly over on half terms and she flys back Christmas, Easter and Summer.

So basically she sees us every 6 weeks or less. If problems are encountered at school. Which has not happened. My husband being very pragmatic will pull her out of school and find her another one. He has several lined up just in case this school is not suited because circumstances have changed.

So to say I am a bad parent who has done nothing better than place my child in care is quite hurtful.

Yes we can afford the fees but we didn't chose the school on the cost. We chose it because the ethos of the school suited our needs. Does my daughter fit in at school? Yes. Does she like every girl? No. The point the so called popular girls that prune their hair and talk girlie are in a minority. So to find friends amongst the majority is easier.

Now the question is class....I am middle class my husband can only be said to be working class. He is happy with this as he was born and bred a Lancashire lad. He is working class because he works to make money so his family can eat. No matter how much he earns. He always makes his daughter remember that working for money is far more rewarding than handouts. Be it from the state or from the family...

I am certainly not saying that boarding school parents are not loving and concerned and thoughtful and all the rest, or that many children at boarding school are not happy and fulfilled.

What I am saying is that there is a cost to pay. And that by definition home attachments are weakened by boarding. And that has the potential affect future attachments. I am not saying that every boarder will experience this, and many anyway consider it a price worth paying. Some see it as an advantage-the people on here who talk about the "independence" of boarders, who describe family life as mollycoddling" and "micromanagment" are a case in point. But to pretend this isn't true is a mistake.