How do you justify seding your child to boarding school?

[sunshine75]

I've read some pretty horrific things lately about boarding schools and the damage they can cause. See this article from the Guardian.

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jul/20/damage-boarding-school-sexual-abuse-children

However, I have no personal experience of one and have no close friends who went to one. Therefore, I don't want to be hasty in forming a negative opinion about them.

So, if you chose to send your child to a boarding school then I'm curious as to why you chose to? For example, why did you chose boarding over a really good day school? Is there anyone who chose a boarding school for a much younger child and was this a really hard thing to do?

Maryz in some cases it makes sense and if it's like that then it probably does.

There is a middle position on this thread though isn't there? Marsha, greylady, haffdonga and myself have all said quite similar things - that there are lots of reasons why one might consider boarding, but that even the best, warmest boarding school is a different experience from being at home with parents and possibly siblings and that something is lost in that difference (as well as, for many children, gained). Hakluyt states her case strongly, but essentially I think she is saying that this loss of the home environment is a significant one, and not - in her opinion - worth the loss except perhaps where there is significant dysfunction to start with (i.e. Not so much to lose).

And conversely I haven't said boarding is wrong. It makes sense at times.

But things like - a small proportion of time etc and children love communal living make me think hang on a minute.

Fgs - a child who boards is self-evidently having a very different experience from one who doesn't. Of course this will have an effect on them and their relationships. This doesn't mean it ruins relationships, but I do think it changes their dynamics, just as there will be a different dynamic between a SAHP and their children to the one between a working parent and their children. Whatever choices you make for or with your children, something is lost and something is gained. It's up to the people concerned whether what they lose is worth losing and what they gain is worth the prize. Sometimes, children feel they lost more than they gained, sometimes they don't, and likewise for their parents. That's life.

I left the thread because I was on the brink of losing my temper with a particular poster. But just popping back to say that of all the possible reasons for sending a child to boarding school, "because the child wants to"
Strikes me as being one of the worst . Unless we"re talking 6th form I suppose....

mimi your right families are the best place to raise children but children at boarding schools are still being raised by their parents. The school doesn't decide about their futures, we are parents usually in conjunction with the child and where necessary having listened to the advise of the school e.g. IGCSE options etc decide, we as parents liaise very closely with the school and in our case especially the HM, our relationship with him is open and honest he works with us to raise our DS in the way we hope he should be raised. The children are always being told to consult their parents and we're always getting letters about various things we need to approve discuss decide on. Ok I don't supervise every meal or piece of homework or practice tables or spellings (but then I've never done this at home anyway) but as parents we are still the main players and the main influence in his life although at 16 that's naturally waining a bit). I've just asked him he's looked at me as in that "I always knew my mother was mad" teenage way, it's never crossed his mind that there is anyone else as significant and important to his development as his parents are.

I don't see why, Hakluyt - surely it depends entirely on WHY they want to go?

1805 what year is he?

Hakluyt

because the child wants to is better than the child not wanting to.
Boarding school is something completely alien to us, until recently I hadn't met or spoken to boarders or their families. It was something so far out of reach for us that we had never even thought about it, it was what people from other worlds did to us.
We have 3 dc 2 are grown up now the other is 10.
She is going to board when the time is right because she wants to, it is the best school for her and no other would suit at all.
So for us "because the child wants to" is the only reason.

I hate communal living. I can tolerate a week's residential course somewhere, but I couldn't tolerate any longer than that. Likewise on holiday - I'm OK for a week in one place surrounded by others, but not really for much longer, I'd rather go backpacking and not have to deal with the same people being around me all the time. However, that's me (and my children!). I like my personal space. I'd even hate the invasion involved in having someone else come into my home to clean for me. Yuk. Accordingly, I would never in a million years have chosen to go to a boarding school. I don't for a moment think that makes me normal and everyone else abnormal!

(ps I don't have a cleaner!...)

Kalid something's are lost and some things are gained and different doesn't have to mean wrong.
What most of us are trying to say is that it's just a different way not for many a wring way.
Like 1805 my DS chose to go to boarding school at 7, he looked at it weighed up all the pros and cons and made his decision, we supported him and he knew he could leave at any stage if he wasn't happy and find an alternative including being a day pupil at the school.

Oh, in addition.
Any member of the family can arrange a visit for any time it is convenient. I can pick her up and take her shopping on Saturday afternoon. I can meet her for lunch any day.
I can take her to orchestra and choir at night and return her afterwards. She will come home for one weekend every 3 weeks.
I can attend lunch time concerts she will be playing in, or evening ones. I can accompany her on field trips, to competitions. etc.
I think that is probably more time than most working parents get to spend with their dc.

"they may not eve like you or have much interest in you"
That true or on the other hand they really care about you and be very interested and concerned about you.
I've met both and plenty in the state day sector who didn't like or have any interest in my DS1 by the way and made him thoroughly miserable. As some friends of ours have just demonstrate when they weren't happy with the attitude of the staff at their DS's boarding school they moved him. The reality is that money buys you so much more freedom and choice.

rabbit I also hate communal living but many like it although thinking about it at 13 or even 11 or 9 I would have accepted communal living and horses as I had to seem the error of my ways then.

I was a day girl at a school that was mostly boarding so ASKED to board from 14. Plus - it was only weekly boarding so I came home every weekend (plus long hols). It worked really well for me as gave me a sense of some independence once I was in my teens, but still plenty of family time. Actually quite nice not to be spending loads of time in the car each day travelling to and from school - more time to do fun stuff with my mates. Really depends on the child and the school.

rabbit I think your post at 14:25 is an apt summary of it all.
I also think that a DC has to like being social and busy to enjoy boarding, not necessarily an extrovert but a DC who wants to be with their friends as much as possible.

summers - my dc's (bar the youngest who has ASD) are incredibly social and confident.

They would hate boarding! They really like their friends but they don't want to live with them.

My issue with getting paid staff to act in loco parentice isn't a fear that many will be actively nasty to a child they have no interest in or liking for, but that there is decent behaviour just with an absence of liking and true interest, which can also impact on a child's feelings of emotional safety and self esteem.

And this focus on what schools provide - most children like spending time with friends, most children like to be busy, most children love the chance to do communal things and try new activities. My children do. It's not the issue of liking these things and doing them, it's the fact that those who are promoting boarding schools believe they should take precedence over family time.

All the children I know in my extended family do masses and masses of sport/music, other activities and spend time with friends, but they LIVE at home as part of a family while they do it.