How do you justify seding your child to boarding school?

[sunshine75]

I've read some pretty horrific things lately about boarding schools and the damage they can cause. See this article from the Guardian.

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jul/20/damage-boarding-school-sexual-abuse-children

However, I have no personal experience of one and have no close friends who went to one. Therefore, I don't want to be hasty in forming a negative opinion about them.

So, if you chose to send your child to a boarding school then I'm curious as to why you chose to? For example, why did you chose boarding over a really good day school? Is there anyone who chose a boarding school for a much younger child and was this a really hard thing to do?

happy - I have a very strong relationship with my parents, as do my brother and sister.

We all had a pretty shit time in boarding school and found it emotionally challenging.

In fact I'd go so far as to say the worst aspect of boarding school for me when I first started was getting used to being shown very little affection, as my own parents were (and are) extremely loving and tactile.

"Ah Mini your back you stated a few days ago that staff in care homes are better qualified that those in boarding school for the third now of asking where is the evidence for this?"

I'll admit - it's only by looking at job adverts. Jobs working with children in residential care all mention that they want candidates with qualifications to work with children. This seems to be completely missing from adverts for staff for boarding school.

I'm prepared for you to prove me wrong though. ;-)

Mini I completely see how stressful hypervigilance was and is for a DC. My DS only starting completely relaxing and enjoying himself all the time when he was at ease with his friends and had a group of people who he could rely on. I think a DC who finds it difficult to make friendships and relax with them would find boarding at best uncomfortable and at worst like you.

"You genuinely believe there is no difference between a child who spends a few days a week in boarding school but continues to have the interest and support and love of parents and has a home to go to every weekend/holiday, and a child who has no home and effectively no parents?

Really? No difference?"

No - I said nothing of the sort.

Having an abusive and neglectful family is obviously extremely harmful to children.

I wasn't comparing outcomes or background of the children. I was simply pointing out that both are being handed over to groups of paid professionals who will be expected to act in loco parentis; live communally with their peers; not see their parents every day or sometimes very often at all. They share the experience of not living in a family for much of their childhood.

Maryz - if children at boarding schools were 'being raised by their families' schools wouldn't need to employ house parents who they say take on the parental role when the child is at school.

If you could supervise and support your child from a distance without anyone else taking over the parental role for you it would mean I could stick my 9 year old in a flat on his own and supervise him by text, email and the odd phone call.

The schools are 'in loco parentis'.

This means 'in the place of a parent'.

That may be the dictionary definition.

The reality is more like a mixture of 'on behalf of' and 'in conjunction with'.

A good HM will work very closely with parents.

Hi Kalidasa .. Yes there is a lot of research done into the "effects of boarding " ... Google it in, to get several ideas.

Hi Kalidasa .. Yes there is a great deal of research done into the "effects of boarding " ... Google it in, to get reading and several ideas.

OMG ....I just realized I am a bad parent. We have a domestic helper. Who cared for my daughter when she was young. In fact my daughter treats her like an older sister. Then now that she is old enough we sent her boarding.

Im sure Mini is such a better parent than I...

Maybe we can persuade her to hold parenting seminars for us. So she can share her skills.

"A parent with a child at boarding school is just as much of a parent as a parent whose child is at any other school or none - they make parental decisions, offer support (both physical, emotional and financial), are the people their children turn to about all sorts of issues, spend more time with their children than anyone else -

They are NOT parenting in the same way as a parent who is living with the child.

They're just not. My relationship with my children is intimate, affectionate and dynamic and it really, really can't be conducted in the same way over a telephone than it can when we are together. I don't just listen to my children from a distance - I see them, watch their facial expressions. We communicate by touch and sight as much as we do by words. The idea that you can conduct a relationship with another human being in the same way over a telephone or by text as you can when you are in the same room with them? Really?

"they just do a very small proportion of that parenting from slightly further away."

If they only see their children at weekends and holidays then their child spends more time with friends and paid professionals than they do with their own parents. If they are full boarders, as I was, then they spend massively more time in the company of other people than they do with any member of their family.

I wouldn't tolerate my DH spending all week or even months at a time away from me if it wasn't utterly essential to keeping body and soul together as a family. I certainly wouldn't want him to do it if he had the option of a job with a shortish commute. I accept that some people feel that state schools are not good enough for their very clever or talented children, and I accept that some people don't have an alternative because they have NO schools within a reasonable commute, and that boarding school really is the only possible option. But I suspect that they are few and far between.

Incidentally have you given any thought to how boarding school disrupts the sibling relationship?

My children play with each other and talk to each other all the time. At home. At school their relationship with each other is shaped more by the structure of the school and their peer relationships than it is by their family bond.

It's not a small proportion elsewhere. And yes sibling dynamic changes.

Kenlee - no need to be defensive.

My opinions of boarding school are shaped by my experience of being in one for 6 years, and of my siblings being in one for the same amount of time.

Did you go to boarding school?

I'd say you're heavily invested in believing it's a brilliant way of raising a child because you are shelling out shed loads of money to send your child to one.

I have no investment in not liking boarding school - I don't need to justify my choices because actually I don't have a choice. Even if I thought boarding schools were great I couldn't afford to send my child to one.

I don't think I'm a great parent but like you and everyone else on this thread - I'm doing best. Your taunt - it's a bit 'playground' isn't it?

"I'm doing my best"

My experience of boarding is having a DS on one for 10 years, knowing scores of other children who board, knowing normal adults who have boarded who were so y they've sent their own children to boarding school and working with children some of whom board and boarding school staff. So my views mimi are at the very least as valid as yours.
I too am doing my best for my children.

If they only see their children at weekends and holidays then their child spends more time with friends and paid professionals than they do with their own parents

Did you read my post from earlier when I clearly disproved this?

And in terms of hours in the day, most day pupil teenagers spend more time in the company of their friends/paid professionals/asleep than in the company of their (usually) working parents.

I don't get why people try talk it away so much. A small proportion of time, slightly further away.

Nope the child is not at home, in our case 6 out of 7 nights a week.

I've just googled "the effects of boarding" only briefly admittedly but I can't find any credible research into this, all are boarders who were unhappy, the same names seem to keep coming up. There is nothing credible about this research because it's an entirely self selecting group of people. People not requiring therapy because they boarded are obviously unlikely to see a therapist.
I produce a very extensive list of adults around about my age who were happy at their respective boarding schools and are now well adjusted individual, but I wouldn't ten say that all boarders 40 ish years sho were happy.

Mary - yes of course I agree that children will encounter these things at some point whatever type of school they go to. But I think there is a significant difference in terms of peer pressure/intensity/lack of other perspectives if you are boarding and encounter these things in the boarding environment. It is a very intense environment - I expect most people who didn't board but who went away to university at 18 or 19 or perhaps went on a residential summer school/camp at some point in their adolescence remember how intense that experience was. It makes a bad/difficult situation (like bullying or friendship/boyfriend/girlfriend probs) much more difficult and equally it intensifies good/exciting experiences too - and for many teenagers that includes experimenting with drink/drugs/sex. Coming home in the evening and having to make conversation with your unbelievably boring and out of touch parents/younger siblings may feel pretty torturous when you are in the grip of these sort of experiences, but on the whole I think it is good for the teenagers and helps to keep a sense of perspective at a very intense time. Of course lots of teenagers encounter major problems despite being at home with vigilant and loving parents and no doubt some boarding school staff are excellent. I don't think it's an absolute deciding factor either way and as I said I would consider boarding in certain circumstances, but this would be one of my worries about it.

I don't think the comparison to children in care is invalid, and I don't think the previous poster meant to imply that they were equivalent. Obviously there are lots of differences between these situations and children who are boarding will mostly have many huge advantages in terms of family support and privilege compared to those in care, but equally I don't think it's completely unreasonable to compare various different residential care settings, of which boarding school is one.

I know lots of people who boarded obviously, all my school friends , we are still friends from afar. And yes of course they're mostly fine now and have children and average lives. Still it is not unusual to want to stay home age 12 and before.

It is different to go home, it just is. In the same way it's nice to go home after work. Even if you spend a few hours doing not much then going to bed.

And I'm not overly anti and sometimes I think it's the right thing to do. But there's a big difference between being a day student and a boarder.

ds off to full boarding school next september.
How do I justify it???

Easy. Because he really really really wants to go there.

Job done.