How do you justify seding your child to boarding school?

[sunshine75]

I've read some pretty horrific things lately about boarding schools and the damage they can cause. See this article from the Guardian.

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jul/20/damage-boarding-school-sexual-abuse-children

However, I have no personal experience of one and have no close friends who went to one. Therefore, I don't want to be hasty in forming a negative opinion about them.

So, if you chose to send your child to a boarding school then I'm curious as to why you chose to? For example, why did you chose boarding over a really good day school? Is there anyone who chose a boarding school for a much younger child and was this a really hard thing to do?

It may not be a legal requirement for a teacher to report abuse but it is a legal requirement for a nurse/doctor/qualified psychotherapist to report abuse. A teacher was recently reported by a nurse at a school because the teaching staff had decided not to do it.
Mini what evidence do you have that staff in care homes are better qualified?
Frozen lots of children are unhappy in all types of schools and don't choose to tell their parents. As a parent I constantly look out for signs of unhappiness in both my DS's. I don't believe that children can necessarily be happy every day of the week but I hope that the majority of their time whether at school home holiday etc they are happy. I know my DS's very well in particular my DS who boards, he was very ill as a small child so we have a very close relationship, no one is better at recognising how he feels than I am, I can read him like a book I can quickly pick up any nuances in his overall mood, partly because we are similar personalities. He like most teenagers has times when he's not happy, luckily for both of us not only can I recognise this he is also is willing to talk to me and knows that providing I can see he's thought about I will support him in what ever decision he makes. He's recently thought about changing schools including a day school, at various stages in his education when he's had to make choices I've always taken a neutral position encouraged him to work things out for himself and decide for himself even when he first choose to board at 7, this time as always we discussed it at great length and looked carefully at the alternatives, he eventually decided that the alternatives were not right for him. As much as I believe his school is right for him if I felt he was seriously unhappy and it was something that could not be addressed then at that moment it would stop be the right school and become the wrong one.

byah

I spoke to my son and he says the strictures put in place to avoid abuse at his school are v. strict to the point of PC gone mad . Not saying it doesn't happen anywhere but not in every school .

What is institutional care?
Does it always have to be bad?
Hospice care is institutional care I fortunately lack experience of it but I know it's highly regarded, I have friends who work at Helen and Douglas house they do an incredible job in the most tragic of situations. My DS was frequently in hospital as a toddler the staff were generally pretty amazing, DS2 and I has a very narrow brush with death when I was in labour the staff in that particular institution were ... well words fail we are eternally grateful for their expertise and care. My grand mother died in a tiny cottage hospital the staff in that institution insisted on providing the flowers for her funeral from the hospital garden and nearly all came to the funeral. Institutional care does not have to mean bad care.

I went to a big, mainly boarding, public school. All the day pupils wished they boarded. My best friend was at roedean, brother at harrow and they loved it.

Boarding schools is not something you can comment on unless you have attended one as you have no idea what it's like

One of my best friends was groomed by our housemaster (nominally a day house but we were there from 7am till 9pm and had our own studies). He was sacked when it all came out. She was 18 at the time.

He was replaced by a gorgeous young guy, he must have been late 20s. God how we loved him. We threw ourselves at him, poor guy. Even worse was one of the mothers that used to constantly corner him in his office for a "chat".

summerends - I take it there is no expectation that the teachers themselves have normal family lives then?

With a very few exceptions all the teachers at my school lived onsite in flats and houses. They almost all had families who lived with them. Both my housemasters had families - the HMs flat was massive with 4 bedrooms and large garden. Children all attended the school

It's a total immersion way of life is the best way i can describe it

What do you get out of boarding. I asked my daughter last night.

She says time...Time to study....Time to play......

Anything else? nope just time.

I asked what do you hate about boarding?

Nothing much....its ok....

Ok I asked what do you like about school?

They actually teach here. If you don't understand you can ask.

What do you not like about school..

The popular girls they are so dumb.....

So there you have it thats the justification.

Works for me...might not work for you...but then again she is my child so your thoughts are irrelevant.

Interesting isn't it, how every moderate pro boarding. No judgement implied on anyone else post is being ignored.

Lottie

None of us ever gave our parents any doubts as to whether we were happy at boarding school. I never once asked to leave or made a fuss about going back, even though I was having appalling panic attacks at night in the dormitory, which I just dealt with on my own. I think it's very common for children to not tell parents about their misgivings or insecurities about boarding school, sometimes because they're simply not able to articulate their feelings to themselves, but also that they are aware of their parent's enthusiasm and belief in the value of this type of education, and the sacrifices parents make to send them to BS.

Mini ,
Your experience sounds horrid. It is not ours . Truly not one iota ours . I hope you have come to terms with it.

EL

Children are of course aware of parents belief in boarding or day schools for that matter and some may struggle to articulate their concerns but this does not apply to all.
Perceptive insightful parents for a start should be able to pick up that there is something wrong without a child necessarily articulating it, and many boarding children do feel able to articulate concerns. I also think boarding school culture has changed a lot recently. Parents now think carefully before sending children to boarding school, they carefully look at individual schools as the frequent threads on here ably demonstrate. They are not just looking at a academic results/facilities/extra curricular activities parents now place a lot of emphasis on standards of pastoral care more so than even when my DS first started 10 years ago. So many threads started on here about specific boarding schools often ask about pastoral care above academic results. Parents increasingly try to find the right fit for their DC's, the schools ethos has to fit them and their child. All boarding school now employ counsellors who offer a free and confidential service, most have nurses and doctors who are independent of the school, bound by there own code of conduct which includes confidentiality. Parents are also increasingly involved in boarding school life. No longer are children dropped off in September and picked up at Xmas, most boarding schools are weekly, even the handful of remaining full boarding schools allow children home on Sundays, parents attend concerts, plays, matches, exhibitions they phone email txt and Skype. Parents pupils and staff are much more aware and look out for problems. However wealthy you are the vast majority of parents stumping up £35+k a year per child would not carry on if they felt that their DC was unhappy

Sorry post above was meant to be quoting Lottie . Messed up the boldness

Just to point out in my experience in the 70s and 80s children didn't tell their parents much about what happened in school. There are a lot of things I didn't bother to tell my mother about my day school (even about the boy who was stabbed, and that didn't make the local papers either).

Of course even as an adult I recently didn't tell my friend about the undisclosed bullying I had overheard being discussed about, which has happened in the last year or so at her son's school. (She has anxiety issues and did try to move him for other reasons and wasn't able to.)

I think young people nowadays are generally more aware of their rights. Parents can also stay in contact more. Going to a day school doesn't prevent abuse.

"It is an interesting point though surely that children may not always be entirely honest about how they feel about boarding school. Worth exploring maybe?They will be aware, for example, of the sacrifices their parents are making for them to go there and may also accept what they hear of the huge benefits they are receiving which will be great for their future without thinking, yes, but shouldn't I be happy now?"

That is EXACTLY my DH's experience, and to a more limited extent, my own.

Both of us have loving parents who would see themselves as perceptive and in touch with their children.

DH, when his parents returned from abroad and removed his sister from boarding school but not him, said, in essence, 'We are making sacrifices to send you to boarding school, it is a great opportunity for you and you have always said you are happy.' UIt was NEVER said explicitly, but in that kind of 'taken for granted' way that i so difficult for a child to respond to.

In my case, the acknowledgement was always on the table: 'This is the way you can get the education that you need. We know that you might be 'happier' at home but in the long run that better education is worth it.' I am still grateful for the ducation, without ever having been able to ay that I was truly 'happy' at school. Educationally, it was great. Socially, as someone from a very different background, age accelerated and socially awkward ... less so. But then the same might well have been true had I attended the local ex secondary modern comp that was the only alternative. I'm not sure whether my siblings, who attended the latter, would say that they were truly happy at school either.

As I have said above, though, I understand that sometimes the balance of 'boarding / non boarding' falls towards the boarding side for some families some of the time.

I also agree with mummytime that inviolvement iof parents with schooling, and communication betwen parents and their offsopring about day-to-day school issues, in the 70s / 80s were different from today.

(Trufflehunter - in both my school and DH's school, which both still exist in exactly the same form, the only resident staff were house staff. Teachers had normal family lives and licved off-site, though their working hours were longer than in a day school. We started lessons at 8.30 and finished at 6.45 pm, with the afternoon being for PE. There was some expectation that certain teachers - e.g. 6th form tutors - might be around for meetings after school, and PE staff did a lot of things at weekends. But none lived on site.)

All things considered I think the school we went to was the right one. For me, anyway.

It pains me to hear people having a terrible time as the worst thing is having it dismissed. Some had a rotten time when I was there. Just low level unkind behaviour from which you can't escape.

I know that the children on here sound happy, I'm sure they are if they seem it.

I read the comments from parents here and it sounds like most of them have swallowed the marketing brochure.

My own experience and that of my siblings and many of my friends who went to boarding schools was emotionally harmful, and that we weren't - like many children experiencing emotional neglect - aware that what we were going through was anything other than normal.

These were not bad schools by the way. One of the two boarding schools I attended one 'School of the Year' not so long ago. The other is also considered a good, well run school.

Mini so because I don't and won't agree either with you and won't admit that my DS is unhappy like you were (although I can't see it my self Of course) I've swallowed the marketing brochure? Are you always this patronising and judgemental about parents and their children in other walks of life or do you reserve to for people who send their DS's to boarding school?
teacher I don't "see" myself as perceptive I am exceedingly perceptive of people emotions and a very shrewd judge of character (even my very recent appraisal backs this up). I monitor my children's emotional state very carefully both the one at boarding school and the one in a day school because sadly I know only to well what happens when children are not happy . I don't ever say "we've made sacrifices to pay for it" because for us it's a life style choice, we would have more things (should we want them which is a separate debate altogether) if we didn't pay fees but we have never sacrificed the basic to pay, I also don't subscribe to the "you always said you were happy ethos" either.
My children are aware of their "rights" and also have very open communications with us much more than my DH and I had with our parents in fact my DH was only commenting the other day that no one ever asked if he was happy when he was a child. Neither his parents or his teachers (day school) as far as he recalls, he only met his tutor once in five years and that was when he left and his parents never discussed his happiness they believed that as they'd provided physically for him, paid for education and were a stable loving family then happiness is a given. This have changed enormously over the years there is much more focus on how happy children are by both parents and schools. Children are actually listened too, even with organisations like boarding schools there is flexibility if it's thought it would benefit a child.

Mimi up thread you said that staff in care homes are better qualified that boarding school staff I'm interested to know what evidence you have for this?

Happy,

Honestly, what i said wasn't a personal attack. My parents, and DH's parents [but very much 'of their era'], would have said that they were sensitive, enlightened parents in touch with their children. I was just exploring the previous poster's point - that in previous generations a least, many children may not have articuolated their emotions about boarding, or felt that they were particularly important (I certainly would never have said 'I am unhappy at school because I don't fit in socially': it wasn't relevant, that wasn't hy I was there. i was there to et a good education, and I was lucky to be there)

I entirely agree that 'happiness' wasn't top of the agenda in terms of school choice or discussion in those days. As I have said many times, the decision within my family was very much one of 'better education = good'. And aain, as i have posted before, I do think that the main motivation for most families who are weighing up boarding nowadays is still 'are the benefits of the school that I can access through boarding worth it'. Child happiness is MORE there in the balance than it was (child unhappiness would be a bigger weight on the 'against' side than it would have been a generation ago), but it is rarely there in the 'my child should board because they would be happier than being at home'- more a 'my child will be happy enough boarding for it not to weigh in the balance against' IYSWIM?

I think the generational thing is very interesting. The expectation that children will be actively happy at school is quite a new one- my parents were, I think, quite unusual for prioritising it for their children. And even then, my brother didn't tell them about some very unpleasant bullying he suffered until he was in his 40s.

I agree Hakluyt my parents never discussed how happy or not I was and my in laws (both teachers) I doubt it ever entered their heads, as teacher said the "best school" was the one with the "best results" "fitting in" and probably bullying wasn't even of their agenda. Neither of our parents would have discussed our emotional welfare with school, school was about learning, sitting exams etc.
teacher yes you're right we choose DS's full boarding school because all that it offers is not available to us in a day school in either sector or even as a weekly boarder. If exactly the same thing had been on the doorstep as a day option who knows or as I said previously if we'd lived in Barnes......

Lottie ... to go back to this comment of yours yesterday ...."Eh? Can you prove that? It is certainly not the message given out to us in safeguarding training inset. I'm pretty sure not reporting serious crime/failure to protect children from harm is illegal? And rightly so."

I know this to be right. If a teacher suspects abuse and reports it to the Head he /she can "deal" with the complaint themselves without ever reporting to the police . It has happened in many schools and as a result the abuse has continued, sometimes for years . See "Mandate Now" to find out more.
As people say in their posts abuse can occur anywhere. True, but boarding school children ( especially young ones ) are particularly vulnerable as they do not have constant contact with home ... and please don't tell me they have mobile phones ... Children find it difficult, if not impossible, to disclose abuse and certainly no child will be able to disclose severe abuse on a mobile..
Some says that boarding school children are watched all the time . They are not.... for one example a prestigious boarding school very,very recently ran out of the morning -after pill.. Were all those children over age I wonder??
My point is . Mandatory reporting of abuse in boarding schools does not exist and it is wise to get a written statement from the head on the school policy about reporting any abuse to the police before handing your child over into their care.

My dh boarded from the age of 11 (his choice at that age, because he wanted to do what his friends were doing and didn't want his mother nagging him to do homework every night). I am quite certain the experience affected him, had a role in shaping the person he is, and wasn't 100% positive, any more than anyone has 100% positive childhood experiences, but I don't think it damaged him. If it did damage him, it did it in an incredibly subtle way, undetectable to those close to him and hidden from himself. But then who's to say which of his behaviours, feelings and beliefs would be different if he hadn't gone to boarding school? If some of the way he is was caused by his boarding school experiences, is that automatically damage? Or is it only damage if the person experiencing it feels unhappy about it, or feels it was bad, or other people around that person find them cold, callous and unfeeling, or unnatural in their outlook on life?