How do you justify seding your child to boarding school?

[sunshine75]

I've read some pretty horrific things lately about boarding schools and the damage they can cause. See this article from the Guardian.

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jul/20/damage-boarding-school-sexual-abuse-children

However, I have no personal experience of one and have no close friends who went to one. Therefore, I don't want to be hasty in forming a negative opinion about them.

So, if you chose to send your child to a boarding school then I'm curious as to why you chose to? For example, why did you chose boarding over a really good day school? Is there anyone who chose a boarding school for a much younger child and was this a really hard thing to do?

today a teacher admitted abuse to a 15 year old in 2012 /13
That's very sad, do you have a link to the news report?

I will add to this that there is no legal requirement for a school to report known abuse to the police so if you have children in boarding school it is wise / imperative to ask the head what the school policy is on reporting abuse

Eh? Can you prove that? It is certainly not the message given out to us in safeguarding training inset. I'm pretty sure not reporting serious crime/failure to protect children from harm is illegal? And rightly so.

I am afraid it is naive and /or ignorance to say that abuse does not occur in the present times

Sadly true. But true of any setting - abuse is not confined to boarding. Wherever our children go the whole of society has a moral duty to be vigilant.

"I personally believe that children learn lots of life skills etc but the bottom line: state education wasn't going to offer my super bright DS the kind of education he should be getting, I believe that super bright children should be educated in super selectives,"

Do you ever wonder how it is that so many children go on to Oxbridge and to study medicine and law from ordinary, non-selective state schools?

Because it does happen you know. All the time.

"We have no right to criticise other parents, we should encourage and support not tell them how rubbish or criticise their decisions."

I think it's perfectly reasonable to express doubt about the way children are cared for in institutions such as boarding schools, nurseries and children's homes.

I appreciate that parents believe they are doing the best for their child - they are heavily invested in maintaining this belief, not least because they may be paying out 40K a year in support of it.

"If my sons had shown any signs of not liking boarding we would have done something about it."

None of us ever gave our parents any doubts as to whether we were happy at boarding school. I never once asked to leave or made a fuss about going back, even though I was having appalling panic attacks at night in the dormitory, which I just dealt with on my own. I think it's very common for children to not tell parents about their misgivings or insecurities about boarding school, sometimes because they're simply not able to articulate their feelings to themselves, but also that they are aware of their parent's enthusiasm and belief in the value of this type of education, and the sacrifices parents make to send them to BS.

Teacherwithtwo I don't think boarding (in good schools)is just about the type of education you can access during standard lesson time. That's sort of the point that I did n't grasp at the decision point.
As well as the social fun (for most) and all the other 'fringe' benefits, it is also about teachers having the opportunity to really get to know their pupils, not simply in lessons but in other activities or when they are relaxing. I don't think my DS would have progressed and developed as he has without benefiting from the ease of interactions with and advice from teachers who have known him as a whole person through the boarding environment (compared to just teaching him a particular academic subject).

"I will add to this that there is no legal requirement for a school to report known abuse to the police so if you have children in boarding school it is wise / imperative to ask the head what the school policy is on reporting abuse"
Isn't there a legal requirement to report a crime? Wherever it's committed?

"Sadly true. But true of any setting - abuse is not confined to boarding."

No - but there is much more scope with it when adults are mixing with children extensively in a less structured and informal context, such as they are outside of lesson time.

"I don't think my DS would have progressed and developed as he has without benefiting from the ease of interactions with and advice from teachers who have known him as a whole person through the boarding environment"

Do teachers live on site and spend time with students during the weekend/evening as well as teach them during the day?

Very few did at my BS, and the ones who did live on site didn't actually mix with the students that much - that was the job of the house masters and mistresses, who often didn't have a teaching role.

"
Your are condemning parents without even trying to understand why they make the decisions they do."

I understand why parents make the decisions they do. I understand why people make all sorts of decisions that I don't agree with. I understand that they feel that they are making the right decision. I just don't agree with it. On a thread like this, surely I should be able to say that I think boarding schools are wrong in principle?

And minifingers - you aren't expressing doubt.

"You are explicitly saying boarding schools are wrong, in all circumstances, which is not in any way reasonable."

Not at all. We had children at our boarding schools whose parents were drunk/abusive/emotionally disengaged. We had children sent there and paid for by the local authority rather than placed in care, following family breakdown.

If you can't care adequately and kindly for your own child it's best to turn them over to paid professionals. If you live abroad and you believe 'forrin' schools are not good enough for your child then you will have to send them to boarding school.

Sometimes people don't have the choice to keep their children at home and it's better for them to be placed in care homes or boarding schools.

"Your are condemning parents without even trying to understand why they make the decisions they do."

Parents generally do what they believe is best for their child and for their families. This has always been the case. I absolutely believe this. My own parents did and I don't blame them one bit for the chuffing awful adolescence my sister and I had in boarding school.

"And that too is bollocks.

There is a lot more opportunity for teachers who want to to abuse day pupils - they can keep them back when all the other pupils go home, they can offer them lifts etc etc.

Boarding schools are never empty - the chances of a child being alone with a teacher are pretty slim."

Maryz - have you been to boarding school? Worked in one?

I spent 6 years in two different schools, and I can tell you that a child living hundreds or maybe thousands of miles from a parent is more vulnerable than the child who sees their parent every night.

Mini they most certainly do at my DS's boarding school and others that I know of. That is why teaching at a boarding school is such a full on commitment. Boarding houses have a team of teachers attached to them and as well as other teachers coming for meals to eat and talk with pupils The housemasters also teach. It also means that the pupils see teachers as 'whole' people as well and have a relationship with them that mixes informality with respect.

What is the difference between boarding schools and care homes?

I can tell you:

Children in care homes have usually experienced neglect and abuse. They are often from very poor families. They often struggle educationally.

Children in boarding schools come - on the whole - from loving homes.

But that's the families we are discussing, not the institutions.

Care homes differ from boarding houses by dint of having better qualified staff working in them.

How else do they differ? (if we are discussing the before and after school care offered rather than the child's background or learning)

summerends - I take it there is no expectation that the teachers themselves have normal family lives then?

Well minifingers clearly does know something about boarding schools having attended one, albeit comparing them to care homes is a bit excessive.

It is an interesting point though surely that children may not always be entirely honest about how they feel about boarding school. Worth exploring maybe?They will be aware, for example, of the sacrifices their parents are making for them to go there and may also accept what they hear of the huge benefits they are receiving which will be great for their future without thinking, yes, but shouldn't I be happy now?

Which is still not to say boarding is always wrong. Just it points towards the importance of the decision being child-led rather than parent-led.

As an aside, my brother was desperately unhappy at his day school and he never told anyone. Why, who knows? So it is not just boarding school which is the problem, but it is an example of why one should never take children's apparent acceptance of something as proving anything about their real state of mind.

You would have to ask them that. I think term time is hard work but there is a real sense of community between boarding teacher families and the teachers' children are often around in the boarding house mixing with the boarders. It is definitely a lifestyle choice. Holidays are pretty long though and there are a lot of weekends without boarders during term time.

Institutional care is institutional care,

Having had a brother in a care home, they are very different. There are less kids- nowadays, mainly eight or less, often only a few, and higher staff to child ratio. In my brother's day it was different (worse) but still smaller numbers, iirc there weren't many at all, not even near a class full or whatever. In the day, you would go to school- I believe a few children may get la tutoring at home for various reasons- but they will often go to different schools, especially as there may be children in ebd/SN schools. So you will have a wider range of friends than the ones you live with and don't associate with them necessarily within the day. You can switch off with them and change personalities more than in boarding school. You have more independence arguably as you can still go out and whatever, kids who run off can have chaperones with them though.

My daughter made the decision to board as we move every couple of years and although she has enjoyed the moving, she's very bright and is fed up with going to 'average' schools. Actually, both primaries she attended were rated 'outstanding' but we certainly didn't find them to be. She's extremely sporty and is seriously held back at state schools with all their non-competitive sports!

We never pushed boarding for her, but she was always aware it was an option and started asking to go from the age of 8, purely because of her awareness of the sporting opportunities and the better education. She's going because she's very independent, we're not sending her there to make her independent.