daughter banned from her Prom, very unfair headteacher

[scruffy68]

I am looking for some advice from you guys as I have a meeting with my daughters head teacher and am feeling a little overwhelmed by this.

I will try to keep it brief but basically my daughter has been banned from her school prom and the only reason the school will give is that she has shown poor behavour in the past but will not give us any specifics, time or dates! in fact I had a meeting with my daughters head of year only weeks before they informed me of the ban and he said he cant wait for the first dance with her. After this meeting I bought my daughters dress and shoes at great expense.

I was informed of the ban when a standard letter was sent out with some key dates on it and at the bottom in one sentence they said " it should be noted that due to recent poor behaviour ............ will not be able to attend the prom"

I phoned immediatly and on numerous occasions since and have also been into the school 3 times but have been fobbed of continually. It was only once I finally wrote to the head with all my concerns and telling her I was informing the govenors that she eventually wrote to me,6 1/2 weeks later, inviting me in to discuss my concernes but that she would not change her mind about the prom.

I have known for 8 weeks now and have been fighting all this time to try and find a resolve as I feel really badly treated.

I would be gateful if anyone has any ideas as to what I should say or ask at the meeting as Im feeling pretty burnt out by it all now!

Her prom is next week!

Thank you if you have taken time to read this long post!!!

at my current school year 11 have to earn the right to attend prom - this is through behaviour, attitude, punctuality, attainment (i.e. working to the level they are capable of, producing coursework/homework etc to their target level) and they can have up to 5 warnings over the year and then prom is a no no (parents complaining has never swayed my head) as they are told many times what the consequences will be.

Also, any exclusions during year 11 will result in not being invited (which meant that a student this year had their invite withdrawn the day before the prom as they refused to give their phone to a teacher when they were texting during a revision session)

Sorry op, no advice for overturning the decision as it sounds like your school runs the prom invites a lot like mine - i.e. students are warned of consequences and if they chose to ignore these warnings then they know what the result will be. Before you go for your meeting, I think that you need to sit your DD down and demand the full truth from her in order to save yourself the embarrassment of finding out in the heads office

Why were you in the meeting with the deputy head in the first place? Was her Prom attendance already in doubt then?

I was wondering if she might have been on some sort of behaviour management plan then, and reward for compliance was reinstatement of attendance. In which case "I look forward to dancing with you at the prom" isn't creepy, it's an affirmation that she has time to turn it around and confidence she would do so.

But it seems she hasn't, so the sanction stands. Or am I very wide of the mark?

I'm sorry OP but I cannot believe that your daughter doesn't understand why she has had a ban from the prom.
At my school we run a "Passport to the Prom" for the year 11's. This starts in the September when they start year 11 and runs right up to the beginning of their GCSE exams when they are handed in to the head of year 11.
All school awards, good marks, etc are put in there and all detentions, bad behaviour too. We do have students that are banned from the prom (ours is a very lavish affair in a local 4* hotel) that cannot comply with the school rules (eg wearing correct uniform, not being late to class, not disrupting others learning, smoking etc) and the students are fully aware that this is what WILL happen if they choose to flout the rules.
As a school we do not discuss this passport with parents. They are 16 years old and perfectly capable of being in charge and in control of their own actions. They are fully aware of the implications and what happens if they receive too many black marks.
We do not suddenly decide at the last minute that x and y are banned. The students know before their GCSE exams start whether they have an invite to the prom.
We have had students in the past who suddenly change their behaviour mid year (and often too late for a prom invite) and get their parents involved. Sadly these students have lost their chance but they were well aware and informed of the consequences of their actions.
I hope your meeting with the Head can shed some light on this and I'm sorry its taken so long to get an answer. Headteachers and Head of year 11 are very busy this time of year getting all exams ready, revision sessions, etc etc.

Best of luck to you

Actually, the school has explained why she's not allowed to go. The sentence on the letter said, "due to recent poor behaviour."
Now, your dd might not agree that it was poor behaviour, which is presumably part of the problem, but the school clearly thinks so. And unfortunately theirs is the opinion that counts here.

You have clearly decided the head is being unreasonable. Perhaps it is less to do with her skirt or even lateness. Perhaps her attitude is rude when these things are challenged.

I have no doubt that the school thought long and hard about taking this decision, it is a major step to have taken.
What surprises me is that the school have not had the courage or sense to see that this is something that parents were bound to question. They need to have communicated properly with the parents over this.
The OPs posts suggest that there is a significant communication issue and the school need to correct this with haste. The head teacher needs to sit down with parents and lay out the reasons why this decision has been reached. Hopefully the school will have plenty of ammunition to prove the sense in their decision and parents need to go with an open mind. If the school continue to prevaricate or can't tell the parent what the daughter has done then the school are at fault. The mother needs to escalate to a written complaint to the head teacher, saying that this needs sorting before the weekend.

Arm yourself with as much info from dd as possible before you go in. I'm sorry to say but I don't think the school would have banned her lightly.

It's a big deal to a young girl and they know this so I'd be surprised at an off the cuff ban!

Got to say, I can't see anywhere you've had nasty comments either!

I really wouldn't go to the school about this. They have told you that your daughter has behaved badly and can't go to the prom. Sounds like a done deal. She's 16 - she's not expecting you to fight this battle is she? Is she?

I'd certainly be sympathetic, she's already been punished for her behaviour by losing the chance to go to the prom. But I'd also want to hear from her that she understands why this behaviour is singled out by the school. Being late to classes is not 'silly stuff' - being persistently late to work gets you sacked or labelled as a timewaster. Wearing a skirt shorter than the uniform policy allows will get you into trouble, in the same way that wearing stuff that breaches a work dress code will get you into trouble. Be happy instead that you have sensibly chosen a school that follows through on its rules and teaches children that actions have consequences?

The silly things you mention aren't silly, they are important and the sort of things a year 11 should not be doing - next year she will have college or employment and acting like that isnt good enough. It may seem funny but it disrupts others learning and the general school discipline. Obviously something has gone on, so in your meeting ask what that was. Apologise if there was and support the school, but comment that you would have appreciated better communication on this matter, as you have currently not been able to discuss the poor behaviour with your daughter because you had no information to go on, except her side of the story.

The sanction is a common one for year 11s as, for many children, it is the most important night of their lives so far to them.

We have the same system at our school - at the beginning of Y11 they are warned that there is a 3 strikes and you're out system.

Even if the 3rd strike happens once you've got your ticket/dress/suit its tough - you knew the rules and you are out.

Bit like the real working world - with warnings then sackings. Sorry but unless there is SEN then a Y11 should be able to understand there are consequences to bad behaviour.

I would be sitting her down and asking her what she knows about the ban/her behaviour. She needs to know what the sanction will be if you go to the school and make a tit of yourself if you find out she does know why she is not allowed to know.

You need to support the schools decision when you find out what happened. I would be furious if my dd put me in this ridiculous position and I then found out she knew

What no-one else has picked up on OP.

It's 8 weeks since you first telephoned the school, then you went in three times and after 6 you wrote to the head. Surely the communication should have worked like this.

You receive letter conveying a decision about which you are unhappy.
You telephone head of year in first instance. If call not returned within 48 hours, you send your concern in an e-mail. If you don't have a response in 72 hours you send a copy of the e-mail to the next in command.

If still no response you write to the head setting out your concerns and request a meeting within seven days. If no response then I would escalate to governors.

However, the caveat here is that the above would only work if I felt I had reasonable grounds to challenge a decision made by the school. If my child was a repeat "offender" on the behaviour front I'm not sure I would have reasonable grounds.

Agrees with all the teachers - being late for a lesson is not silly. It interrupts the class who then take time to settle and it interrupts learning. Why is she late in the first place for lessons? What is she doing in that time? Being late is discourteous not just to the teacher but to the rest of the class.

Also, what do you mean you have phoned and been to the school three times. That sounds daft to me. If you have a problem to raise with a school you do it in writing and you make sure you have an audit trail in the event of something serious being dealt with. This to me sounds serious for the other girls at the prom and for those who have organised it. Your daughter sounds as though she has repeatedly been rude and a pain in the backside and those who are looking forward to the prom don't want anyone there who will rain on their parade.

Might seem harsh for your daughter but I suspect if there had been a bit more harsh in years 7 and 8 and a bit less "going up the school" she might not be in this position.

BTW - I have never been called into a meeting with my children's heads of year/heads of house, etc. I have, however, requested a meeting with them about the impact on learning for my dd because of repeated interruption and disruption to learning caused by a significant minority. They were sympathetic but their hands were tied because too many children don't have appropriate support at home and too many parents expect schools to make exceptions for their children rather than support the school to ensure there are consequences and support the school and underpin what the school is trying to impart in relation to acceptable behaviour.

When your daughter is continually late at work and if she argues about it; she will be dismissed. Employers do not have their hands as tied by regulations and funding as schools.

Your DD will know exactly why she's been banned. It's a few years ago now, but in the dim and distant past when I taught high school, we were absolutely clear with those banned why they were banned.

Maybe the school have been hoping that your DD would do the right thing and tell you.

Prom? Ugghh...

8 weeks ago would have been at the start of this term. Frankly I'm surprised you didn't persist on sorting this out then, especially as presumably she has had exams and likewise staff woudl ahve been preoccupied.

Was there a particular issue or missed deadline at end of Spring term or over the Easter holiday which she has conveniently forgotten to mention. Is she the only one excluded ? Maybe she isn't that shocked or bothered, your op seems more about your feelings than your dd's.

Your dd might be refusing to be upfront with you, but she will know perfectly well what behaviour led to this.
Be prepared for what you hear at the meeting; I doubt very much she will emerge as the injured innocent you obviously think she is.
As other posters have already said, what I would be focusing on is the comment from the Head - did you really sit and listen to that without blinking an eye? . If he did actually say this, it's scarily inappropriate and it doesn't even seem to have registered with you.

I agree it sounds like communication from the school should have been better, but do you know for sure there weren't previous letters that never reached you? Have you really had no response/information or have you just not been told what you want to hear?

What was the meeting with the head of year about, when he mentioned the first dance? It sounds to me like your DD's attendance was already in question then and this was his way of saying he hoped her behaviour would improve and that she would get to attend.

I know the head of my (primary) school would be in no rush to reply to parents who considered his attempts to promote discipline (school uniform) and prompt attendance in lessons as "silly".

Are others banned?

The schools do get it wrong tho. My ds2 (yr10) got a letter from the Tech (food) dept saying that he had been disruptive and had turned up unequiped to start the lesson, and had had 'housepoints' deducted. I was horrified, and phoned the teacher straightaway. She was very apologetic, saying that the letter had been sent to the whole class, instead of to the few who were disruptive etc. Hopefully this has not been put on his record!

having said that, our Prom runs along the same lines as elsewhere, persistant lateness, backchat, ill-disciplined childred don't get to go.

sparkybabe. What was your intention when you phoned to query the letter?

Fair enough, in this case they got it wrong, but... Why was your first response to phone the school because he'd had house points deducted?

The prom is the last carrot a school can use to keep year 11s in line until all the exams are done - they don't take it away lightly, but once de-merits or whatever are no longer going to bother a year 11, they will use it if they need.

It sounds like your daughter has been behaving poorly for a long time, and your dismissal of what she has done speaks volumes!

I phoned to find out what had happened - my ds2 is very industrious and good at school, has never had a detention, got good grades throughout. I was shocked that he could have been disruptive. As I remember, he had had a 'good effort' postcard home recently before this.

I certainly didnt phone to lambast the school for daring to discipline him, just to see what had happened. (and i wasn't horrified because of the housepoints, but because of his 'potential' behaviour.

At 16 I would have been mortified if my parents got involved in my school life in this way.

I certainly didn't expect the school to record times and dates of my many minor transgressions to produce as an evidence folder for a decision of a punishment.

If proms are organised by teachers I agree pupils (especially as old as 16) should earn the privilege to attend.

I agree that the school could have communicated better - but ultimately it is up to the daughter to manage her behaviour at this age - lateness and school skirt length included.

OP I think you should put your efforts into managing your DDs expectations on this. She may think that her life is ruined by the fact that she can't go to the prom but in the grand scheme of things it's no biggie.

There are some great examples from teachers on this thread of how earning the privilege to go to the prom is managed - gives me great faith in you all!

There's no reason to be late for a lesson, really - you're already in school! It's annoying enough when students do it, but at least it might be because they've had to travel just for that thing - but a schoolchild has no good reason to be persistently late for lessons. That's indicative of a mindset which I would imagine has generally got her to this situation.

I think your dd is not being honest about what she knows. Either to herself or to you. I don't know which. But she will have had plenty of warnings.

Communication is also lacking between you and school and this needs to be addressed too.