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Secondary education

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Original poster

Has anyone ever moved their DC to a different school and it not worked out?

111 replies

Sparklingbrook · 15/05/2012 17:23

Very briefly, DS (nearly 13) not settled at High School after starting in September. I have looked round a school today that was v nice, has places and seemed more suited.He has friends there. It's 12 miles away though.

Ideally I would like to move him but it's a huge commitment, travel wise.

However if he doesn't settle there-then what? DH not terribly in favour either.

Decisions, decisions. Sigh

OP posts:
soonbesailing · 15/05/2012 17:40

We have just moved DS (yr 9) to a school with a really long travel commitment, he will have to stay for the next 2 years to do his GCSEs, we made that clear to him when we agreed to the move that there would be no more changes.

Just make sure he really wants to move and that you think the new school will solve some ( ideally most) of the reasons he hasn't settled.

It's a funny time to move, but if teenagers don't fit in it's very hard for them. My DS was a small fish in a big pond and it wasn't doing his self esteem any good.

Now he's in a much smaller pond with less pressure I'm hoping he will settle, but it's a bit of a gamble.

What are your sons reasons for wanting a move?

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 15/05/2012 17:47

Bit the same as yours soonbe. It is a very large school and he says although academically he is doing very well he doesn't feel like he fits in at all. He has a handful of friends. It's his self esteem I am worried about, it seems like the school isn't right for him.

DH is a bit 'man up and get on with it' but I have to see the long face every morning and evening. Sad

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soonbesailing · 15/05/2012 18:27

Yes my DH was a bit like that, but DS started mentioning about a move in yr 8 and was still keen in yr 9, he did have friends but not really solid ones and he doesn't go out much.

I think he just struggled to hold his own and the big class sizes didn't really work for him, he was typical 'lost middle' I've never thought he would be top of the class, but I felt the teachers didn't really know him, not their fault, as it is a very good school and DS2 is happy there.

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 15/05/2012 18:40

How are you managing travel wise?

DS feels he is very much 'under the radar'. He goes in and wants to get on with his work but he isn't one for coming forward, sticking his hand up etc. He talks about 'the populars which he isn't.

How did you win your DH over?

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millpond · 15/05/2012 22:36

I moved my DS last September as he was really unhappy - it was the best thing we ever did. My only regret is that we didn't do it sooner. I think we spent too long trying to make it work, with 'people dynamics' it either works or it doesn't........
Whilst angsting about whether to move him or not I read many threads on here and didn't see one where it hadn't worked.
Good luck to you both.

glaurung · 15/05/2012 23:41

dd moved at the start of year 10 and it worked out well except the new school went bankrupt at the start of year 11 and she ended up back at the old one. Not ideal, but it's actually been fine.

YourFanjoIsNotAHandbag · 15/05/2012 23:44

Dd moved at the start of year 8, tbh I wish I did it sooner.

She is very happy now.

YourFanjoIsNotAHandbag · 15/05/2012 23:46

Posted too soon sorry

Her school is now 14 miles away but it's a small price to pay for her to be settled and doing well.
She is going into year 10 September and is used to the traveling now.

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 16/05/2012 06:00

Thank you for your encouraging replies. Smile

Last night DS, DH and I discussed it and DS was very excited and up for the taster day that I want him to go on.

Two hours later DS was in floods of tears saying he wasn't sure, didn't want to lose the friends he has got, and that he didn't want to move. But also confirming he doesn't like the school he's at. I was Angry Hmm Sad

Now I am just 'What the hell are we going to do?'

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YourFanjoIsNotAHandbag · 16/05/2012 06:09

I think just go and look around the school with him and see how he feels then

It is a very big thing and a bit scary at that age to have to start again, and it very hard for him to actually make that decision.
Maybe he is worried things might be bad at the new school and he would rather just get on with what he knows rather than start again IYSWIM

in my experience with my dd it was honestly the best thing we could have done. She was not part of the "popular" crowd because she was more interested in the academic side, rather than make up and boys and she was constantly teased about being a "geek" to the point where her work was suffering and even though there were clubs she wanted to join after school, she ended up giving them up because she wasn't enjoying being called names etc.

At that time, I didn't want to move her, I wanted the school to give her some support and tried and tried to make this happen but they were not at all interested as there was no physical violence but it got to a point when she used to be so upset in the morning and didn't want to go to school.

It took an entire year to make the decision to move but she has been so happy ever since.

BrigitBigKnickers · 16/05/2012 06:22

We moved DD1 at the beginning of year 10- best thing we ever did and really wished we had done it sooner.

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 16/05/2012 06:23

I feel sick about it all. I know he will get up this morning and say he doesn't want to go to school and I will be Confused

We have been waiting for him to 'settle in' since September. Sad

Did your DD know anyone at the new school Fanjo?

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YourFanjoIsNotAHandbag · 16/05/2012 07:09

No, we moved her to a school 14 miles the other way from her primary so it had different feeder schools.

There was another closer school but the cousin of the most popular girls went there and tbh it was more of the same, we went to look at it and looked at a few lessons, there was a clear group of popular girls running the class, and it didn't seem a good fit academically.

She really wanted to be with people who were interested in..well, learning I suppose, the other school was a sports college and she isn't that sporty. The school she is at now is an arts college and seems a better fit.

She was assigned a "buddy" for the first 2 weeks, and by that time, had made some friends so it worked out well.

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 16/05/2012 07:12

That sounds great Fanjo. I think DS sounds like your DD, he really wants to learn, he doesn't do 'messing about' and I think the others may see him as a bit 'square' as they used to say in my day.

The ones he refers to as 'populars' seem to be the ones not that interested in learning. Confused

I am waitin with baited breath for him to get up at 7.30.

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Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 16/05/2012 10:10

he has agreed to the taster day. Shock

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YourFanjoIsNotAHandbag · 16/05/2012 10:15

That's good, hopefully it will give him a better idea of what he wants to do.

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 16/05/2012 10:17

Fanjo I think I am going to tell his current school about the taster day, that's ok isn't it? it's not a secret and I would rather not lie.

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Hullygully · 16/05/2012 10:18

Yes, one thing at a time. Tell him to chill, there is no panic on the decision, he should do the taster day so he can see his options and then think about it.

YourFanjoIsNotAHandbag · 16/05/2012 11:09

Yes, I told DDs school we were in the process of looking at schools about a month before she left.
I wanted them to know what was going on.
They didn't seem to care very much tbh

And it still took them 3 weeks to send over her records!

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 16/05/2012 13:22

Thanks Hully and Fanjo. I feel so churned up about it all.

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YourFanjoIsNotAHandbag · 16/05/2012 13:46

Hopefully you will feel a bit better when DS goes for the taster day, at least you'll know if it's an option or not.

IMO if you do decide to do move schools, it's better to do it now before they start picking options and all that stuff.

Schools are not a good fit for everyone, one might thrive there whilst another struggles, it's just about finding the right one, i don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 16/05/2012 14:04

That's so true Fanjo. I spent ages choosing the First School, then he just went to the Middle School then High School. It didn't occur to me he wouldn't be ok, but no idea why not. The High School is the only one in the town though unfortunately.

I might try and find out about school buses to the new school, not sure how it all works.

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seeker · 16/05/2012 14:11

It does take a long time for some of them to settle in secondary school, though. My dd is in year 11, and while she's always had friend's it was only last year that she "found her tribe" ( as a lovely mumsnetter whose name I forget put it whe I asked for help). It still mkes my heart contract to remember her saying in year 7 "there are parties- but I'm not invited to them"
If he's not really miserable and is doing well academically I wouldn't move him if you can avoid it. Oh, and remember that "the populars" is not necessarily a compliment!

YourFanjoIsNotAHandbag · 16/05/2012 16:13

If the school is not as academic as your DS needs to excel and he is being teased for trying to learn then I can't see it getting better.

My dd now goes to a school in a different county, she is used to the journey now.
Personally I think a bit longer journey is a small price to pay.

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 16/05/2012 16:23

Does she get the school bus Fanjo?

I think for DS he is after there being more 'like minded' kids, because at the moment he doesn't 'belong'. His report and 'attitiude to learning' score are great and I don't want it to slip.

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