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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Has anyone ever moved their DC to a different school and it not worked out?

111 replies

Sparklingbrook · 15/05/2012 17:23

Very briefly, DS (nearly 13) not settled at High School after starting in September. I have looked round a school today that was v nice, has places and seemed more suited.He has friends there. It's 12 miles away though.

Ideally I would like to move him but it's a huge commitment, travel wise.

However if he doesn't settle there-then what? DH not terribly in favour either.

Decisions, decisions. Sigh

OP posts:
YourFanjoIsNotAHandbag · 16/05/2012 16:28

No, no school bus sadly, she walks to the train station, and then it's a 10 minute walk at the other end.
She meets up with her friends at the station most days.

Is there a school bus to the new school sparkling?

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 16/05/2012 17:29

I think that there may be a bus from the outlying villages. It doesn't come as far as us, but it would mean I may be able to drop him at a village about 5 miles away.

I'm not sure what the rules are though. i assume the catchment children from the villages get it subsidied but could I pay I wonder?

I think I will have to phone the council. I have looked at trains but it takes an hour and involves two trains so that won't be happening. I am prepared to drive him all the way if it means he will smile again in the mornings. Smile

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YourFanjoIsNotAHandbag · 16/05/2012 17:41

Exactly, if it means he is happy to go to school in the morning, the rest will fall into place somehow.

You should be able to get the school bus even though you don't live in the catchment area- good idea to ask the council.

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 16/05/2012 18:09

It doesn't help that it's 3 tier round here so they don't start High School til year 8. It's good in some ways but not others IMO.

DH is still reluctant, but coming round I think.

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YourFanjoIsNotAHandbag · 16/05/2012 18:12

I think that's the macho, be a man, don't run away bs isn't it? My DH was the same.

I think if your DS goes on the taster day, and likes it, your DH will be more receptive to the idea.

lancelottie · 16/05/2012 18:19

Has your DH seen the new school himself? (Come to that, I'm assuming he's been to the current one?)

DH was similarly reluctant to move DS2 last year, thinking he'd just take all the same problems with him to a new place. But by sheer good/bad luck, on the day I'd arranged to go and see the alternative, DS's sister ended up in hospital and DH went in my place -- and came back saying, 'God, I wish he could just start there straight away.' This was before we'd even mentioned it to DS as a possibility.

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 16/05/2012 18:55

For DH, it's a mix of 'get on with it' and his experience starting a brand new High School aged 11, knowing nobody and getting bullied something rotten. Plus he's worried about DS having friends 12 miles away, and nobody to knock about with locally.

He has been to the current school, but not the potential new one.

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YourFanjoIsNotAHandbag · 16/05/2012 20:15

My dd has got a lot of friends at school and they travel to see each other, meet in the middle at weekends etc.

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 16/05/2012 20:34

Some of his current friends are a bit flaky TBH. He plays sport with some of them at the potential new place anyway.

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YourFanjoIsNotAHandbag · 16/05/2012 20:47

That's good then. He will still get invited to parties, cinema etc even though you live a bit further away. You will just spend a lot of time as unpaid taxi driver :)

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 17/05/2012 07:30

Well the taster day is next week. Smile

DH is still a bit sceptical. He thinks DS will go for the day, say he loves it and wants to move. Then when the start date arrives he will be 'I don't want to go'.

Who knows?

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seeker · 17/05/2012 10:08

Sparking- can I suggest that you, amongst other things, look at where most of the children from the new school come from? If you live in an area with great public transport then this probably won't be a problem- but as they've got older and wanting to be and about later and more independently, the fact that my dd's best school friend lives 28 miles away is a MAjOR pain!

A few other randomn thoughts. "The Populars" - all schools have these- is not necessarily a compliment- certainynisn't at my dd's school. You say some of your son's friend's are a bit flaky- lots of boys this age are, they may well catch up with your ds in terms of maturity soon.

I know that my dd was unhappy in year 7 and the beginning of year 8, and we might well hae moved her if all the schools round us hadn't been full to bursting. But I am so glad we didn't- once she found her feet she has flown. So to speak.(!) it's so hard to join established friendship groups- and shared experience is very important.

Really sorry, I haven't helped, have I?

YourFanjoIsNotAHandbag · 17/05/2012 10:17

My DH said the same thing about my dd, that she would not want to go to new school etc.
The thing with her was, she wasn't in the the popular crowd because she wanted to learn. There were a few like her but they got teased a lot.
The school was very big on sport, my dd is more creative, not sporty so she wasn't part of the teams etc and one of the big problems was the popular kids were not willing to learn and the lessons were disrupted a lot.

We moved her because she was so unhappy, every day she would say she didn't want to go to school, obviously she did go but she was such an unhappy girl.
The school is 14 miles away but we manage to get her there and she is now involved with drama and art club after school.

She made more friends in her first week than she did in a year at her old school, she thought there was something wrong with her. That's why no one liked her.
It was damaging her own self image.

This school fits her, the other school didn't.

Sparkling, you know if your DS is unhappy. And if you think that this new school will suit him better then you will make it work.

millpond · 17/05/2012 10:48

Fanjo is right, certain schools suit certain kids.

He may well have a wobble about starting the new school after all his experience of new secondary schools so far hasn't been good and his self confidence will be at rock bottom. But deep down you will both know whether the alternative - staying at the present school - is in his best interests, if it isn't then he has nothing to lose and everything to gain by moving.

Its such a difficult decision but in our case it was the best one we ever made. We spent the summer trying to boost DS's confidence in every way before he started the new school in September (he was still very nervous the first few weeks though, bless him!) as he too thought there was something wrong with him. Turns out there was nothing wrong with him just his old school!

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 17/05/2012 10:58

seeker I appreciate your input, I need to think of everything. You know these 'populars'? Why does DS want to be one I wonder?

He has a Blackberry phone (disclaimer-it's on a contract £10.50 a month) and they told him he wasn't cool enough to have one. Confused

In a stupid way I wish the school would ring me one day and say DS has been messing about in a lesson or something, but that just isn't him. I expect the other kids think he is no fun whatsoever.

I feel both excited and sick now the taster day is booked.

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Hullygully · 17/05/2012 11:29

I moved my dc to a school that suited them and watched them blossom. Ditto the one they are at now, it is full of kids similar to them and they are so happy (touches wood/iron/feather/plastic etc)

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 17/05/2012 11:39

I feel a bit stupid not realising that DS may not fit in at the school he went up to with everyone from Middle School (along with another few schools).

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Hullygully · 17/05/2012 11:50

Why??

It's a natural assumption. The received wisdom is to keep them with their friends (unless knife wielding ideally)

YourFanjoIsNotAHandbag · 17/05/2012 11:51

We all assume our DCs will be fine, at school with their friends, just need to settle in etc.
Sometimes though, there really is an issue.
It takes a bit of time to work out whether it would be solved in time or whether it's not a good school for your particular Dc

Nothing stupid about that.

I hope he really enjoys the taster day.

Tiago · 17/05/2012 11:51

If he's really unhappy where he is, I would give him the chance to move. I was at a school I hated for 7 years. I am, frankly , a geek - and that was very much frowned upon by the other students. I wish I had been given the chance to move to a different school, but it just wasn't possible for us.

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 19/05/2012 14:38

I didn't sleep last night worrying about all this. Sad still waiting for a reply from the council re buses. If that's not an option then I will be driving 48 miles a day, in all weathers. That's a lot of petrol too. plus i have DS2 to get to school.

It feels like a runaway train now the taster day is booked. I was really excited last week. Confused

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racingheart · 19/05/2012 15:40

Hi

It's not a runaway train. You can decide what to do at any time. You're exploring options and that is a good thing.

It's sooo hard. I know several people who moved at that age. The first school they attended just wasn't right. They are all much happier at the second place. It's so important.

The really tricky thing is to know whether it's that school and its pupils that are wrong, or school itself, whichever school. Sometimes a person just isn't great socially and so school will never be a roaring success. Those people (self included) need to get their heads down, do well and then go off and enjoy adulthood by hanging out with the people they do have stuff in common with, rather than exhausting themselves trying to fit with the majority. There's not much of a way round that problem, except to get on with it.

But, if it is the kind of school he's at which is the problem, then he could be much better off. You'll find a way to sort out the travel.

Go to the taster day and talk through the pros and cons and gut feelings you all have.

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 19/05/2012 15:47

Thanks racing. It is the travel arrangements that are bothering me at the moment, it will probably be something else tomorrow. If it was closer the decision would be easier though.

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seeker · 19/05/2012 16:51

Oh sparkling- I do feel for you. It's horrible when they aren't happy, isn't it? As I said, we might well have moved DD in year 7 if there had been anywhere to move her to. I'm so glad now we didn't - she just took a while to settle down.

Then"populars" thing is a puzzle to me too- the ones who aren't in that group in my experience despise them and envy them in equal measure! It's no consolation to you, but the despising outweighs the envy more every year.

And I know this is one of my hobby horses, but do, honestly, think and think again before you commit yourself to 48 miles driving a day. I do half that, an, while it's usually OK, it can be a disaster, particularly if it's just you doing it. And it's no use making good friends if you can't hang out with them at the weekend, or get home from parties and things. Think about the future- he'll be 17 soon(!) and wanting to be out late- ho will you manage that?

I know I'm not helping- sorry Sad

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 19/05/2012 17:15

I know seeker. It's crap when the only school in town doesn't seem to be right. I appreciate your thoughts, and know what you mean by the populars-v confusing. Smile

The problem is I am having problems deciding whether if a school is 12 miles away it is 'an option'. A lot would say it isn't-it's too far away wouldn't they?

Plus if we lived in a different area this would be his second year in High School not his first so he may have settled.

I just want to see him happy.

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