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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Has anyone ever moved their DC to a different school and it not worked out?

111 replies

Sparklingbrook · 15/05/2012 17:23

Very briefly, DS (nearly 13) not settled at High School after starting in September. I have looked round a school today that was v nice, has places and seemed more suited.He has friends there. It's 12 miles away though.

Ideally I would like to move him but it's a huge commitment, travel wise.

However if he doesn't settle there-then what? DH not terribly in favour either.

Decisions, decisions. Sigh

OP posts:

Umeboshi · 19/05/2012 19:10

Hi Sparkling,

My DS is truly a different person since we moved him to a new school. He was miserable before, hated school; just like your DS, he needed like-minded peers.

It is so important to match your DC to the right school.

Are there any school plays or concerts or something at the new school that you could all go to? It would be a great way to get a feel for this new school, and to see what the children there are like.

Good luck :). It is anxiety-inducing, but you just have to trust your gut feeling.

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 19/05/2012 19:42

I am going to try not to be too worried until the taster day. If he comes back saying he likes it, then conversations need to be had.

Thanks Ume, it is lovely to hear the positive stories.

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lancelottie · 19/05/2012 23:48

Sparkling -- are you going with him to the taster day? Halfway round our tour of the potential new school, DS turned to the teacher and said something about 'At my old school, ...', which was pretty revealing about how he'd already mentally moved in!

(He moved a year ago this week. Tonight I've just come back from his school show. He has spent the week delightedly flinging himself into the arms of his drama friends. That's the boy who 'didn't know how to socialise' and 'needed to learn to fit in and keep his head down' to quote his old school...)

But the extra driving does bug me, TBH, and now DD has decided she wants to go there too, there's no reprieve in sight for years. Sigh.

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 20/05/2012 09:48

I'm not going with him lance, it's just take him in and pick him up. I have butterflies just thinking about it. Obviously he will be wearing his existing uniform, but it's not dissimilar from the potential new one.
How much extra driving are you doing?

I haven't even thought what we will do when DS2 needs a high school in 2 year's time.

OP posts:

anyway · 20/05/2012 12:17

My DD moved schools for Year 9 and it has been a huge success. Like your family we had let her go up from primary to the linked secondary with her friends, without looking at alternatives, but then the secondary just wasn't suiting her, for social reasons like your DS.

When she was unhappy in Year 8 I took her to visit an alternative school, really because I thought visiting would help her realise that no school is perfect and help her accept things. But in fact she came away from the visit really enthusiastic about moving and wanting to take it to the next stage (she had to visit for a day and do tests). She found it helpful to write a diary (private!) to put down all her feelings in favour and against the move. In the end the move was 100% her own decision, and that in itself was a great thing for her, giving her a belief she can take control of her own life. And she was determined to make a success of it. She had some difficult times before finding a friendship group in her first term, and she used to look back in the diary to remind herself of why she chose to move. Maybe part of the reason it has worked out so well is that the process of deciding and moving made her more self-motivated.

We were luckier than you, sparkling, because the new school is not too far. If your DS moves it is going to have more repercussions for you as a parent because of the journey. But this decision isn't all your responsibility, your DS is not a little boy any more. You are helping him to get all the information, so he can make his OWN decision.

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 20/05/2012 14:09

Thank you anyway. I feel better that other peoples' DCs have felt the same as DS about their schools.

The distance thing is bothering me a lot still. I just want Thursday to come so we can find out how he feels.

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Mutteroo · 21/05/2012 01:14

I don't know if my experience will help or give you more sleepless nights Sparkling? Here goes anyway....

You have had positive stories of successful moves. My story is not so positive. Moved DD Easter term of year 9. NOT a good decision. DD was bullied practically from day one at her previous large, unfriendly senior school. She had undiagnosed dyslexia + a few other associated issues. Her confidence was dropping, the school were not being helpful & all we did was move DD & all her anxieties, from one school to another! The new school was private (had discounted the one state alternative previously) & we had hoped this small, private, non selective, supposedly with excellent pastoral support, would be the right place for DD. Wrong. That said, she went on to a state sixth form college at 16 & again took her anxieties with her which led her to be very unhappy there too. DD is nearly 19 & only now coming to terms with herself & that she's a unique & fabulous individual with a few flaws (don't we all?). We had tried to get her support, alas she never embraced this.

Make sure you are not moving the location of your child's school, but keeping all the problems. Also make sure your DS be able to socialise with his new school friends. Much easier for both of you if there's a few on your doorstep! Sleepless nights are horrible, however it shows this is not you making a knee jerk decision but a well thought out choice. I thought long & hard about writing this post. It is important you have opinions from both sides though & I wish you the very best with whatever you, DH & DS decide.

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 22/05/2012 09:52

Thanks Mutteroo, I appreciate all stories good or bad, it reassures me that I am considering all outcomes.

I need some help wording the letter to his current school about why he won't be there on Thursday. I want to tell them exactly where he is, but I don't want it to go against him if, in the end he doesn't make the move IYKWIM. Anyone got any suggestions? I am assuming it won't go down as unauthorised absence?

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lancelottie · 22/05/2012 10:49

How about: 'Dear Teacher, We are contemplating a move in the near future and before making the final decision we would like DS to have a taster day at X school. We have been able to arrange for this on X day, but as nothing is decided yet, DS would prefer not to have it too widely known. '

That leaves it nicely open to interpretation about whether it's you or just DS moving.

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 22/05/2012 10:53

That sounds great lance I doubt they would ask any further. Thanks. I can't believe it's only the day after tomorrow.

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Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 23/05/2012 19:33

Taster Day is tomorrow. I am sitting here now thinking 'what have I done'?

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millpond · 23/05/2012 20:45

You have done the right thing, because you care. remember you have nothing to lose................and everything to gain.
Good luck to your DS for tomorrow (and to you too!)

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 23/05/2012 21:22

Thanks millpond. I will probably feel better in the morning when I have dropped him off. I am determined not to interrogate him on the way home, tempting as it will be.

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millpond · 23/05/2012 21:27

try to do something fun to take your mind off it tomorrow.
I really hope it goes well, everything else will fall into place if it does and you won't look back

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 23/05/2012 22:11

Yes, I have planned a few things. Otherwise I will be stressing and pacing.

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Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 24/05/2012 06:49

Gulp.

OP posts:

millpond · 24/05/2012 08:37

Have a
How was your DS feeling this morning?
Hope he has a great day, let us know how it goes

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 24/05/2012 10:47

Hi millpond, he looked about as nervous as you can get. But he went in and hopefully he is now having a great day. 3.15 can't come soon enough for me though.

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Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 24/05/2012 12:47

2 1/2 hours to go.....

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northenerdownsouth · 24/05/2012 13:58

Hi Sparkling,
Have been reading these posts with interest and felt the urge to post for the first time ever.
I'm in a similar situation to you and also feeling like I have a huge decision to make and wishing someone else would make it for me. We are visiting another school next week which has a place available but this will probably be snapped up quick as it's a popular school. My son is not at all confident and struggles for find friends and won't know anyone at the new school but I feel if I don't make a decision now then am I just delaying the inevitable. I'm feeling very stressed about pulling a child from a school (they have just gone into special measures) and whether it will work out for the better anywhere else. Anyway just thought I would post and let you know there are people out there reading and empathising....

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 24/05/2012 14:20

Hi northerner, thanks for posting. The decision does seem overwhelming. I am sure there are many of us in this boat TBH.

I think the less confident children sometimes get under the radar and in turn that makes their self esteem worse. I just want to make everything right, but need to carefully consider why it might not be.

Good luck with your school hunt. it's not easy.

I am one hour from a verdict from DS.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 24/05/2012 19:24

Well, he loved it. He actually said it was awesome. I am so proud of him for doing the day, he was very nervous.

There is still talking to be done and logistical arrangements to be looked into. and I want him to really think about whether this is what he wants to do.

I am exhausted.

OP posts:

northenerdownsouth · 24/05/2012 20:27

Great to hear that, the worry they put us mums through.... at least you can sleep tonight!! :)

millpond · 24/05/2012 22:59

That's great news! And it will have done his confidence a lot of good.

sleep well.......

Umeboshi · 25/05/2012 00:09

It's only natural for him to feel nervous -- but fantastic news that it went so well. Sounds like you're giving him great support for his decision.

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