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Secondary education

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Original poster

Has anyone ever moved their DC to a different school and it not worked out?

111 replies

Sparklingbrook · 15/05/2012 17:23

Very briefly, DS (nearly 13) not settled at High School after starting in September. I have looked round a school today that was v nice, has places and seemed more suited.He has friends there. It's 12 miles away though.

Ideally I would like to move him but it's a huge commitment, travel wise.

However if he doesn't settle there-then what? DH not terribly in favour either.

Decisions, decisions. Sigh

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 25/05/2012 11:48

Thanks. I have emailed the headmaster and thanked him for the taster day and said how much DS enjoyed it. He wants to know by the end of next week whether DS is transferring.

DS seemed a little bit unsure this morning but I am hoping a day at his current school will put his mind straight.

Also the council says he could get a seat on the school bus if we pay which would be great.

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lancelottie · 25/05/2012 13:21

I don't think it's up to the head to give a date by which they'll know he's moving, as you will need presumably to apply for an in-year transfer through the LEA (and then wait for them to tell you, infuriatingly slowly, whether X school has a place for him, even though all of you already know this).

takeonboard · 25/05/2012 13:35

hi Sparkling,
I posted on your threads before about the problems your DS was facing at his current school. I moved my DS from his awful school after 3 years of unhappiness which affected our whole family (why did I leave it so long?!)
Anyway he moved last September and hasn't looked back.

we had previously found an alternative school for him but he wobbled about the move and we pulled out. He felt sure he could make it work at his existing school, a year later he was at rock bottom and finally agreed to move (it helped that he fell in love with the new school).
I just wanted to say don't expect your DS to be totally enthusiastic about moving schools, no matter how much he loved the school. He has had a hard time and his self esteem will be very low. He will naturally be having thoughts about the same thing happening again at the new school etc. But in your heart deep down you know that if his current school is wrong for him then the move is essential.

Good luck Smile

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 25/05/2012 14:22

Hi Take Smile. Bet you were Shock this is still rumbling on. I feel we are making headway though.

I think he could start in September. the spanner in the works is his trip abroad with existing school mid-June. If he went straight after he would have 4 weeks at new school before summer. WWYD?

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takeonboard · 25/05/2012 14:54

Not Shock at all, we rumbled on for 3 years - the worst 3 years of my life by far!

I think for both of you it is a great feeling when you take control of the situation and are making decisions and changes, I remember feeling very fustrated by the school telling me things will be better next term...and on, and on....

I can only speak from my experience, we accepted the new school place in February but to start in September. I would have rather moved him immediately or at least at Easter, it felt like such a long wait until September. However with hindsight (and the knowledge that it worked out well) it is probably easier to blend into an existing peer group in September when the kids haven't or hardly seen each other all summer, as the friendship groups aren't as tight. You will also be able to boost his self esteem over the summer and you may be able to arrange a couple of get togethers with some potential friends over the summer. My DS was quite relaxed at his old school once he knew that he was leaving, suddenly the comments didn't get to him anymore!

Its difficult to know when is best to move to the new school, but my gut reaction about leaving the existing school would be get him out of there as quickly as possible and cancel the school trip!

I am so pleased for your DS that he has a better option and doesn't have to suffer any longer Smile

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 26/05/2012 17:27

Hi all. Well it's 'decision weekend' and basically DS is doing everything to avoid talking about it. I told him to draw up a list of pros and cons for staying and leaving, but he hasn't done that yet.Sad

DH says to just leave DS be and we can talk about it tomorrow. But from the outside it looks like DS is having a wobble to me. Sad

I refuse to make the decision for him. It has to be his but I am wondering whether he can. Bit different from the euphoria of Thursday after the taster day.

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northenerdownsouth · 27/05/2012 11:34

I know what you mean about ds refusing to talk about it, sometimes I feel like I'm the gestapo trying to get infomation out of my boy, but when it does come out we get tears so obviously he does hold a lot in. :(
Wish we had a crystal ball....

soonbesailing · 27/05/2012 14:30

Hi Sparkling, hope you have managed to get your son to come to some decision, it is tricky as I think they do have to take responsibility for such a move but you also know that they won't think it through in quite the same way as us parents do.

My DS has been in his new school since the return after the Easter break, he has got used to the new early routine and the long bus journey, I do think the honeymoon/novelty period is coming to an end and he is feeling the effect, at weekends as his old school friends aren't around much, so he is feeling a bit 'billy no mates' but I still think it was the right decision.

He has a school trip towards the end of term and I think he will really get to know his year group at his new school really well and we are thinking in the long term we may even move to be nearer the school, but that would not be for another year or so.

I would also say make the move as soon as possible as its not easy being somewhere if you know you are leaving (remember what it feels like when you decide to change jobs, once you know for sure you are leaving everything changes).

Good luck this week

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 27/05/2012 18:13

northerner I would love a crystal ball. Smile

soonbe he is still struggling with the decision. He says he is rubbish at making decisions and he is worried he will make the wrong one and regret it.

I am at a loss. i don't think he is suddenly going to say 'I have decided'. This is hard. Sad

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Umeboshi · 27/05/2012 18:35

Sparkling, it sounds like his fear of change is holding him back. If his self esteem is low because of not fitting in at school, that can lead to feelings of despondency, and it may feel really hard for him to take positive action.

I would suggest sharing responsibility for the decision. He might feel overwhelmed at the dilemma. And at that age, children are less good at looking ahead into the future -- I think they really do need our guidance.

You need to talk through the pros and cons. What are the cons of moving? Can you get more information from the new school -- e.g. anti-bullying policy? Did your DS feel there were like-minded boys and girls at the new school?

I would guess that last question is the key one ...

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 27/05/2012 18:47

Umeboshi, the big 'con' is the new school is 14 miles away but that is my problem not his.

He is in a football team with 6 or 7 of the boys at the new school and they are all great kids.

He suddenly seems very young for a boy who is 13 next month.

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Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 28/05/2012 07:40

No decision reached yet. Sad

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Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 29/05/2012 12:37

Edging towards moving, but his head is all over the place. Sad His form teacher at current school asked him about it today, and asked if he wanted to talk. he didn't.

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lancelottie · 29/05/2012 13:00

Look, I know the head is pushing you for an answer, but can you say firmly that you will be giving DS time to reflect on it during half term? Or indeed, over the rest of the term, with the move made after the summer if necessary?

I hate making this kind of decision and I'm a lot more than 12. No wonder the poor kid's head is spinning.

Best advice we had was, 'You will never know what the road not travelled would have brought you. No one does.'

BTW, my other son (not the one who moved) goes to a school 17 miles from home (SEN reasons) and it only takes 20 minutes to get him there if his transport falls through, so although the journey sounds daunting depends on your local roads. It's probably manageable, esp if you can drop him at the bus so he then arrives the same way as all the others.

How are you fixed for picking him up again, though? I'm freelance so around to sort out any logistical nightmares.

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 29/05/2012 13:15

Thanks for you kind words lance, my head is all over the place too.

Re the transport. He isn't entitled to get on the bus but they do have a Vacant Seat scheme where they sell the spare seats to anyone who may need one. However this is reviewed on a termly basis and he would get bunged off if an eligible child needed the seat. The bus stop is 3 miles away.

I am around to do the drop off/pick ups if i had to. Plus if the bus thing doesn't work out I am willing to do the whole round trip anyway. I have even been looking at jobs in that town meaning I wouldn't have to drive home inbetween.

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lancelottie · 29/05/2012 13:29

Sounds like you know what your own gut feeling is and are just hoping your DS will come down on the side of the move too.

The kids he knows from sports things -- are you likely to see any of them over half term? (Mind, this can backfire, as not many 12-yr-old boys will admit to actually quite liking school...)

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 29/05/2012 16:54

Yes, he will see them at the Jubilee do thingy and at footy training, so that's good lance.

He came out of school today and said he wants to move, but that may be related to incidents that happened today. He was called a boffin by one of the kids Sad

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takeonboard · 29/05/2012 17:06

aah sparkling he needs to move to a school where doing your work isn't a crime, this kind of behaviour was the reason you went looking for alternative schools wasn't it?
If he stays they will crush his spirit Sad

lancelottie · 29/05/2012 22:57

Oh poor kid.

DS (decent musician on rather an odd instrument) wanted to give it up at his old school because it was one of the things he was teased for. I almost agreed, thinking it would be one less thing for him to fret about, but he was also teased for loving drama and English, for having mad hair, for being excitable, for preferring choir to football, for being friends with girls... basically most of the things that made him 'him'.

Old school's response was that he needed to learn to fit in. New school's response was that they wanted to see who he could be, and then help him to be the best version of that. i really hope a better 'fit' of school will mean your DS can be himself.

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 30/05/2012 07:15

That's definitely true of DS lance. If he tried to join in any of the established groups he would have to change his whole personality. He is a bit OTT with right and wrong and can take things personally that other kids might brush off. BUT that's him.

I thought being sporty would save him but it hasn't really.

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Sparklingbunting · 31/05/2012 07:38

Deadline looming. He has no idea what to do. he has the fear of leaving the familiar school and starting somewhere new.

He has to decide before tomorrow, I can't decide for him. I'm at a loss. Every time we discuss it there are tears. Sad

lancelottie · 31/05/2012 10:59

Is this because the head is pressing for a decision? Why -- will he fill the place elsewhere if you decide against, or don't take it immediately? I'm puzzled by this, as we certainly had to apply through the LA. Is it an independent school?

Frankly, I might count the head's insistence as a mark against the school after all.

Sparklingbunting · 31/05/2012 12:30

It's a state High School, and a very popular one, so there could be a few wanting to do the same as us. I don't really mind the deadline as I think if I gave DS infinity to decide he would still not know.

Sparklingbunting · 01/06/2012 11:14

He starts at the new school on 25th June. Watch out for stressy thread nearer the time. Grin

Thanks for everyone's kind words and stories x

lancelottie · 01/06/2012 11:54

Oh wow. I'd just come back to this thread thinking we'd all abandoned you in your hour of need! That's excellent news 9except for the driving, but I suspect you'll find ways round it).

Good luck with it all. Does he have to go back to the old school in between, after half term?

Be prepared to keep an eye on sets etc for the next while -- DS was plonked into whatever sets had a space at first, and being a lazy little tyke found it veeerry relaxing being in bottom-set German for a while. Had to beg the new school to bump him up as soon as there was room!

Moving before the summer is good, actually, as it means you don't spend all summer going 'Aarghh! new school!! What have we done??'