Dilemma... 'more average' sibling to follow super-bright brother to same school, or somewhere else, with a chance to 'shine'??

[fluffyhamster]

I'm sure we're not the first to have had this dilemma..

DS2 has been/ will almost certainly be offered places at two schools, and we can't decide.

• School 1 is a local independent with an excellent reputation (Top 100 in the country). DS1 is already at this school. Doing well (is super -bright with top scholarship etc) Excellent facilities - esp. music & drama (which DS2 is into).

We weren't sure that DS2 would get offered a place, but he has. However we know that he was in the bottom 20% of those who passed the entrance exam. I worry that he might struggle a little, will always be towards the bottom, and constantly in DS1's shadow. It also seems to be a school where you need to 'find your own feet/ stand up for yourself'. DS2 is not massively confident, and may find it hard.

• School 2 is a local voluntary aided school with fantastic facilities and above average results. Rapidly getting even better, but not the same academic pressure as school 1.

We are lucky to be in the catchment for this school - parents lie and move to get their kids there . Feels a bit more nuturing. Is smaller. I think DS might feel less stressed and more confident here. But he may not 'stretch' himself enough if he can get away with it (he has a tendency to follow the path of least resistance...) Music & drama isn't as good though.

The other consideration is that DS2 is very young (August birthday) and it feels as if he may still be doing some catching up vs. his peer group.
The change in him over the last year has been massive, and in another year it might seem as if he could have coped better with school 1?

I just can't decide.
School 2 would obviously cost less too, but I couldn't bear it if in later years DS2 accused us of sending him to a 'less good' school to save money!
Any wise words?

Substitute beloved X Box for pony and I'm with you seeker .

My family are all dead miserable. They don't own X boxes or ponies.

Fortunately we no longer have any horses or ponies. Nothing to do with boarding school just got up one day and realised I?ve just wasted 40 years of my life on horses.

I'm sorry to ask this what must sound like a stupid question but on what grounds does a school select? Is it always the same and sorry to be so blunt but if you are paying i.e (Private) does that not mean you naturally get a place. I am curious as to how this system works. Not really an option for me financially but would maybe look at trying for scholarship to Grammar if dd remains bright. My dh taught at various Private/ boarding schools but only visiting so never really got to the heart of the system.

Most have some sort of academic selection criteria the ones who have the top results do this by carefully selecting usually two years before entry the brightest pupils so money does not but you entrance into these ones. The ?big names? are often very oversubscribed and selection is one way in which they decide who they want. Many of these do offer generous bursaries so it?s always worth looking and enquiring.

My family have neither xboxes or ponies either though we are planning to buy a small sailing boat soon (v cheap, can live on sailing lake round the corner from us for £80/year) - will that do?

I didn't mean to attack you personally, happygardening, or boarding in general - I am sure that there are lots of kids whom it must suit and indeed, I've relished Harry Potter and other boarding school stories (well, OK, no wizards at Eton etc so maybe not quite so much fun; that said, I loved Malory Towers and the Chalet School stories - with no wizards to spice things up - when younger). My brothers went to boarding school and 1 quite liked it, 1 hated it. So no axe to grind particularly. But I did wish to dispute your flat statement that it automatically ensured kids had a 'richer' educational experience overall. My dd has been able to follow her passions rather than having those of her teachers foisted on her - we've taken her to the things she's wished to see (broadening our own experience and knowledge in the process - her favourite band is now one of mine, for example). Her school does invite famous writers, has an artist-in-residence, she's done G&T poetry workshops with poets and with all her siblings she has watched debates in the Commons, incl her little db who is 5! So still really can't see where 33K of value-added is coming from...

Please note I actually advised the OP to send her ds to school 1 not school 2 - in that scenario the private v state issue is not the crucial one, it's the question of the right school for the right child. I just got drawn into this by the fairly explicit attack on the state system in general, which I think is both snobbish and unjustified.

So there you have it.

Dont worry bandb I'm used to being attacked about boarding. I dont think I attacked state ed. i'm not saying you thought I had) especially as I have one DS at a state school I can't. I do struggle with jargon and my own profession is riddled with it and sometimes I haven't got the faintest idea what people arte talking about; such is 21st century living. Also like so much in life there are fab state schools and rubbish ones but there are also fab indepednent schools and rubbish ones. I wouldn't pay for the latter although many do.

Certainly agree with your last sentence. It was the assumption that all private = inherently superior to all state in some of the responses to the OP that annoyed me. (Not yours.)

I read this thread early on and came back to see how the discussion had developed.

OP, I think you have two issues here. The first is how to deal with the fact that your DSs have very different abilities. The second is which school best suits your DS2.

Here are some specific things you might want to consider or get more information on, in addition to everything else that has been posted above:

1. how does School 1 handle the "lower 20%"? ime, schools have quite different ways of handling students. If School 1 is one in which everyone except the very ablest are made to feel bad, don't put your DS2 there. On the other hand, if School 1 is good at making everyone feel good and valued, that would be encouraging.

1. How would School 1 handle the comparison? If every teacher is going to compare DS2, and mention something to him, avoid it. On the other hand, if School 1 is aware of this from the beginning and all teachers are resolved never to make any outright comparison - as indeed should be the case - that would be fine.

1. What is the different in ages (in academic years) between the two DSs? If there are three or more academic years (ie, DS2 starts year 9 when DS1 is in year 11 or 12), there would be no problem at all. If DS2 is just one academic year behind, the point of comparison might be sharper.

1. How big is School 1? If it is quite big, then the chance of DS2 having the same teachers who might make direct comparisons is smalle.

1. If there were no older brother, which school would you pick for DS2?

How long before you have to decide? From the way you describe the extrance exam procedure, it sounds as though it is one of the schools where the initial test is some way ahead of entry. If this is the case, then there would be time - and help from the prep school - to identify whether DS2 would "struggle" at School 1.

My instint would be to put them in the same school if you can. School 1 is obviously a very good one (otherwise you wouldn't be attacted to it for either of your DSs). Unless you have reason to believe otherwise, School 1 is likely to be doing a good job for all of its students, and not just the brightest. School 1 has lots of music and other activities that will suit your DS2.

In any case, OP, you will have to deal with differences in talents at some point, whichever school DS2 goes to. I found the book "Siblings without rivalry" to be helpful with this. I see no reason to put DS2 in what you clearly see as a less-good school just because he is not as bright as his brother.

Good luck with the decision and let us know what you decide.

I think you are borrowing trouble. If I've understood you right, part of the justification for choosing school 2 would be to avoid awkward highlighting of differences between ds2 and ds1. But your 'solution' of choosing school 2 arguably intrinsically does that very highlighting - it sets in stone the idea that there is a fundamental and forever difference between them, big enough for them to need different schools. It also does that before the problem has happened.

If anything I would say that by trying to avoid comparisons you're risking making your ds2 afraid of what differences there are between him and his brother. If people have different abilities and achievements at certain times of their life and that's OK (i.e. not something that has to be concealed), then it shouldn't matter if they're in the same school. Avoiding them being in the same school risks sending a two part message - firstly that ds2 is fundamentally and significantly lesser academically (despite the fact that he too has passed the exam and has a legitimate place at school 1), and secondly that this difference is such a significantly negative fact that he needs to be kept apart from his brother in case anyone notices. Then possibly thirdly that you think his academic ability isn't enough to justify the money being spent on him.

I know you wouldn't mean it like that, but I think there's a risk that's how it could come across.

I do agree it's important to remind children strongly in selective environments that just by being there they are doing well. If they lose sight of the overall context then getting relatively low marks in the class can be disheartening.

May - I don't know whether the op is still with us but I found that post really helpful in clarifying why we have done what we have done, IYSWIM. Thank you.

Hello - yes, I am still here - had just bowed out temporarily while the 'State Activists' took over the thread .
I really didn't want to get into that debate, because I didn't feel that this was the real issue. I agree completely with whoever said there are great state schools and rubbish independent schools, and that was kind of my point - that in our mind, School 2 was on a par with, or better than, a number of the local 'tier B' independent schools, so why would we pay for one of those, if school 2 was an option?

Well, as expected, we were offered School 2 too, so the choice was as I predicted.

DS2 is going to go to school 1.

This thread has helped me to understand and challenge our thinking really.

• the school is big, so they may not the same teachers.
• I believe it will help to develop EVERY child to their full potential - not just the high flyers
• DS2 does seem a bit of a 'late developer', so I predict he will find his feet and flourish in a couple of years.

I don't blame you! Yes those points apply to us too (are you me?!) I am sure we are doing the right thing.