Bereavement in schools - help!!

[missdisorganised1]

It has been 11 months since my Mum and Dad were killed. My Nan and Granddad looked after me after the accident until I was 18 but since I was 18 (October last year) I have been living in the family home on my own.

The school staff know all this so why do I still get some school letters addressed to my Mum and Dad. The last one only this last Friday. I?ve tried ignoring it, mentioning it to the Head of the Sixth Form and I even wrote to the Chair of Governors (who wrote back to my parents rather than me which was a "nice" touch)

I am just getting so stressed by this and need to vent somewhere. Sorry!

That's awful. You don't need that on top of everything else. Try complaining to the Head/CoG again as an official complaint. If no response from them complain to the Local Authority. Ask school for a copy of the complaints procedure.

Obviously you are in an unusual situation but school willbe aware of it and on one hand it's good that you don't stand out for it but it's v insensitive & it's worrying that you might not be on their 'radar' as someone who may need extra support.

Hi.

I have read a number of the posts that you have started. You have had a really tough time and it must be very hard. I imagine that posting on here and others responding must be helping you to think it through.

Are you also getting help in the real world? I do think that you need to talk through what you are going through with professionals. People on here can sympathize and give advice but what you have been through is really hard at any age never mind being so young and you really seem to need someone to talk it all through with. Can you talk to your grandparents as well?

All the best

I get 30 minutes support once a fortnight which isn't enough sometimes. It can be quite nasty when yet another problem happens for the first time and Nan and Granddad are out, or away or just too busy. Its like the money for the study tour. I do get paid a living allowance by the trustees of Mum and Dads estate but I cannot suddenly find lots of money for things. It is the unspoken idea that it all no big issue because the bank and Mum and Dad will pay - not for people like me.

I am just feeling so ground down at the moment. Monthly cycle is anything but monthly but is happening now as I expect you can guess!

I'm really sorry to hear that you're having this trouble. My (half) sister had this problem too when her Mum died and in the end we wrote to the local authority.

The local authority had even written about the amount of time she had been absence in the weeks after her Mum died which just took the biscuit! It wasn't until the local authority got the complaint that the letters stopped. That said, it didn't stop real people making stupid comments including her form teacher who threatened to have a 'word with' her mum over late homework. Most people will not know how hard it is too deal with this stuff and how much it cuts into you to have these reminders.

Being on your own at 18 is truly hard and being forced to deal with adult stuff when you're not ready is not horrid.

You are obviously very resourceful as you have come on here for support and to 'vent' so well done on that. Try not to allow this insensitivity to overshadow how well you seem to be doing. Keep asking for help too.

You say you are living on your own but do you still have support from your grandparents? Please don't try to go it alone to prove you can - they will worry about you more than you will know and I am sure they will be happy to help where they can....

That's awful. As if you didn't have enough to deal with.

I agree that the response from COG is dreadful and worthy of a complaint but I'm not sure how helpful it would be, apart from pointing out his or hers total crassness.

Is there someone at school that you would be able to accept as a point of contact for school issues.

As you say it does seem to be one thing after another and a single point of contact could be the quickest route.

My heart goes out to you. I have a daughter not much older than you.

Hi Miss (again!),

Just read your second post.

Is your allowance enough for you to manage and have they factored in unexpected issues which could arise?

It might be worth going to the trustees and asking them to help set up a savings account that you don't access daily but have access to in an emergency or when something like a trip comes up. In my sister's case (again!) we had a small pot of money put away incase of an emergency with the house (burst pipe, broken washing machine or something) and she could also dip into it if she needed money for extra stuff at school without feeling she had to ask permission from the trustees for everything.

When does the trusteeship expire?

The allowance doesn't seem enough. I don't even seem to have enough money to go out with my friends more than once a month and my life seems to be school work, housework and not much else.

I think the savings account is a good idea and I will ask my aunt and uncle (the trustees) about it.

I get half the money at 21 and half at 25.

I have had more good ideas from Mumsnet readers in a few days that in all the months of 30 minutes support once a fortnight! I am looking at the idea of a female lodger next week and also "shutting up" part of the house.

I lost my parents when I was still young and my heart goes out to you. But that's no help to you is it? If I could advise my 16-year-old self knowing as much as I do now I'd say this:
You now need to become your own "parent" as it were.
OK Officials are a pain and you should not have to put up with this kind of nonsense but bad things happen to nice people so you just have to grow a tough skin, don't take any nonsense and become your own lawyer! The letter must be opened by someone so it may as well be you. Then send it straight back to whoever sent it to you and write in bold letters at the top DECEASED. Refuse to reply to such people yourself.
On financial matters you need a bit of help from Grandparents maybe and a notebook recording all your payments out on your own behalf. Try to keep a coffee jar of cash for emergencies hidden away in your wardrobe.
On the positive side, losing your parents young makes you very self-reliant. Good luck,

You clearly have a good head on your shoulders considering you are 18 and dealing with all this stuff.

If the allowance isn't enough you can go back and ask for more. You can put together a budget and show that the money you have coming in doesn't meet what you are spending then your uncle and aunt will have to look at it again. Don't forget to put in things like clothes, toiletries, socialising etc. although asking for £100s a month for shoes may not be realistic!

Having a budget to show them will also demonstrate that you are taking responsibility and can manage on your own.

I know it probably seems really frustrating that you don't have access to the trust until you're older but my sister's trusteeship expired at 18 and she found dealing with all of it overwhelming on top of all the other crap she had to manage too.

If I can help in any way with this stuff, please drop me a line.

For the record, I think you're doing a great job in the circumstances.

What a dreadful situation. You sound very mature - good for you for dealing with things so well, and for continuing to study at sixth form whilst living on your own.

I am a secondary school teacher, with a sixth form tutor group, and I have a tutee in a similar (though not the same) situation. What is your form tutor like? To be honest, the letters thing sounds like a very insensitive but easy-to-fix admin error. On our school admin system, official adresses and contacts are saved, and then letters are automatically generated. There's no excuse for your school getting it so wrong, as plenty of students have very specific situations (even if it's something like "send letters separately to Dad's address" or something) and so admin systems should be updated regularly. Could you ask your tutor to go directly to the person who deals with the admin system and get it changed. This will mean that the LA gets the changes too, as they will get their information directly from the school. Or, if you're able to, go straight to the admin person yourself, and then go back a couple of days later to check that it's been changed. It really shouldn't be difficult, and I think it's rubbish that they haven't updated the system sooner.

That doesn't help with any of the other issues you mention, but might be a way to sort out that one.

I think I would rather visit the admin person myself. My form tutor has been known to start a conversation with me with "Now your Mum and Dad are in heaven ..."

The first time was bad enough but he did it again a few weeks later. I had to walk away before I said something really rude!

I seemed to get a lot done today. I have phoned various support agencies, some that people on Mumsnet suggested, others suggested by the school.

What I said was "I'm 18, my mum and dad died 11 months ago, and I am not coping very well at the moment"

I also asked around about perhaps having a lodger. There is a girl (19) a few miles away in a similar situation and they wondered about us sharing my house and "supporting each other a bit"

What do people here think?

I hope they heard you.

As for a lodger, it could be a positive move. Just make sure you take advice, financial and legal. I'm sure there are others on here who could tell you what you need to consider.

I would imagine that if it is the right person you could support each other.

Keep reaching out until you find the level of support you need.

Missdisorganised,
I think the supporting bit is a very good idea. Try to meet up with this other girl say once a week for a coffee/meal to catch up and then text in between for day-to-day support.
The problem with having her as a lodger is the legal side. Don't want to pry but if you have inherited your parents' house you would have to make it clear that it is YOUR house. The legal side needs a bit of help.
If you do decide to go down that route, then you can get FREE legal advice from Citizens Advice Bureau who are in the phone book in your area.
Well done for keeping on with your studies, keep it up and don't let the situation at school put you off. Try to have a goal in mind and say to yourself "This is only temporary. By next year I'll be ..."
Your will soon be coming up to the anniversary of your parents' death and I know from experience that will be a difficult time for you - and your grandparents too. Once that milestone is over you WILL find things easier and be able to move on. Good luck.

Hello. I do not have any useful information I am afraid but just wanted to say Good Luck. What a tough time you have had. Hope that things become easier for you in the future.

I am sure there is help out there and I hope you find it. Hope you find it comforting that there are people on here who will wish you well, offer advice and think about you.

Take care.

I second the ides to try the college office and make sure that all their contact details are up to date. You would probably need to give your address and your grandparents details as emergency contact. Under the data protection Act schools are supposed to keep this information up to date.
Having complained to the Head of Sixth Form and the Chair of Governors - if you are still not satisfied that this has been resolved you can write to the LEA.
Letters sent home from schools within our LEA are addressed to "parent/carer" and this does seem more appropriate for many families.

Miss Dis - Sounds like you are the complete opposite of your nickname at the moment! It sounds like you are making some really positive steps for yourself which is great.

I do agree that you should be cautious about taking in a lodger as it can have a lot of implications but it might be good for you to meet up and share some experiences.

talk to your school, family and any other people you have around. The good thing is that you don't have to hurry into any decisions - take your time and look at all the options available before you choose. Ultimately the only person who can decide is you. I know you can and will make the right decision for you.

I'm pleased to hear that there are some steps in the right direction. Keep telling people what is happening for you - they won't always pick up that you need help unless you tell them.

I hope things keep moving in the right direction for you. You deserve all good things. :-)

Although I have been busy with school stuff most of the day the Deputy Head took me down to the CAB for a chat about what it would mean to have a lodger.

AND I have had an extra session of bereavement counselling after school which has left me feeling really tired.

I managed to come top in the physics test today which cheered me up a bit.

Glad you're getting some practical help from school. Hope the CAB were helpful.

I'm glad you have had the extra session of bereavement counselling. It may be difficult and it may leave you tired but it is good to be able to process some of your feelings with a third party. Otherwise the thoughts just go round in your head.

Whatever you feel is OK. It is OK to feel angry about your situation and even to be angry with your parents for leaving you. These feelings are OK and they will pass.

Well done in your physics test. You really are an amazing young woman.

Well done on the physics test! :)

Well done in the physics test!
I hope you are feeling a bit less tired and more positive about everything now.
Have a good weekend.

I've just read your thread and wanted to say what an amazing and inspiring young woman you seem. You're dealing with a dreadfully difficult situation in a way many adults wouldn't be able to.

Wishing you every happiness for the future xx

School was OK. The lady from the front office who had seemed so cruel found me to say sorry.

Coming back again to an empty house was not OK. I hope I can get a lodger or similar sorted out soon.

I am just so tired of feeling so unhappy all the *** time! Not sleeping very well, not eating very well and Granddad is not very well. So crap really.

But I will battle on with help from people here, at school and in the family because that's just what has to be done.

Hi, I think us adults some times forget what its like to 18 and starting out in the world, let alone without your parents.

Your Aunt and Uncle you say are your trustees, are you close to them? can you tell them how your feeling at the moment so you've got a bit more support?
You could be holding it together to well, IYSWIM, and they just dont realise.
My neice is 14, 4 years younger than you and I would hate to think that if she was ever in your position, that she couldnt talk to me.. It would break my heart.

Thanks to a local support group and the school I have made a bit of progress about getting a lodger.

Yesterday I did meet up with a girl who is in a fairly similar situation to me. The trouble is that I really didn?t like her very much, something just felt wrong and I think if she became my lodger it would add to the stress in my life. It sounds mean but I don?t think 2 way support was part of her master plan. She is nearly 20 and lives about 4 miles away. She relies on public transport (she has a car but hasn?t passed her test) to get to work and I think (know) she would expect me to ferry her around. Nan who was there with me thought the same. I took her back to the bus station in my car and waited with her until her bus arrived. So not that one, not as a lodger anyway. But there is one other who I have only spoken to on the phone. She is a young widow but seems sensible and nice and we are going to meet on Thursday..