Bereavement in schools - help!!

[missdisorganised1]

It has been 11 months since my Mum and Dad were killed. My Nan and Granddad looked after me after the accident until I was 18 but since I was 18 (October last year) I have been living in the family home on my own.

The school staff know all this so why do I still get some school letters addressed to my Mum and Dad. The last one only this last Friday. I?ve tried ignoring it, mentioning it to the Head of the Sixth Form and I even wrote to the Chair of Governors (who wrote back to my parents rather than me which was a "nice" touch)

I am just getting so stressed by this and need to vent somewhere. Sorry!

Well it is good news and bad news. My house mate is going to be able to move back in full time - but not for three weeks. Her firm has agreed that the local branch she left to do maternity cover elsewhere is now so understaffed she is being moved back. We are very pleased as it was getting very lonely for both of us.

I had another weepy day on Thursday. My form tutor is just so insensitive when handing out letters to go home. It was only information about the school play but just crossing out my parents name rather than getting a new envelope done was horrid. I retreated to the 6th form toilets to cry for a bit. He did say sorry later and blamed the Drama Dept.

Despite this I am really dreading leaving school. They have given me lots of support and advice which I don't expect I will get at uni. (If I get there and if I can afford to go!)

Crumbs, missdisorganised. I haven't read all your posts on other threads, but I just wanted to say that I think you are incredible to cope with all of this.

It sounds as if the Deputy Head is very supportive, so can you speak to them about the Forum Tutor's constant gaffes? He has the interpersonal skills of a socially inept skunk at present - whenever he has to mention your situation or your parents he just lets off a stinker.

Can you ask the school for a "mentor" - possibly a member of staff with experience of bereavement, or a younger member of staff who you can really relate to? Someone you can turn to when it all gets a bit much during the day for whatever reason. I hate the idea of you having to go to the toilets to cry alone.

I think that you will find that there will be support at Uni - in fact probably more than there is at school and more readily available. Most Unis have part-time or even full time counsellors, and most will have a medical centre. They are there for a reason, which is that students leaving home for the first time need a lot of support. When you first arrive you should get handbooks/directories from the Student Union and the Uni and they should contain everything you need to know about support services. (All online these days, of course, not like when I was a girl.)

It would be worth contacting the Head of Department beforehand to tell them about your situation and to ask for a Personal Tutor who you will be able to support you. You should get one anyway, but you will need one more than most and it needs to be the right person.

I am going to read your other posts and watch out for new ones. Keep your chin up and I really hope you get the grades for Uni, or an allowance for them if not.

Sending you a very big hug.

I've a son the same age as you and I wish I could help support you, you sound bloody lovely. xxxxxx

Just to add to my post above.

I have looked up the Uni that I think you are aiming for (sorry - I'm a bit of a ferret ), and the support services look to be superb. Check in with them even before you get your results and find out what they will be able to help you with in advance. I am sure it will put your mind at rest. The SU even offers advice on Trust Funds.

On that point, I notice that you feel the Trustees of your parents' estate are possibly being a little bit tight fisted. Obviously, as they are your aunt and uncle and you have a good relationship with them, they are acting in your and your late parents' best interests. I do think though that you should be able to go out more than once a month or so to let your hair down when you are preparing for A Levels.

Provided there is actual cash available (your parents' estate might be mainly tied up in the house of course), can you show them that you have been living within your means since you started living alone and ask for an increase of maybe £40 - £50 a month that would allow you to go out once a week, rather than just once a month? At least until the A Levels are over.

Have they told you of any reasons why they are keeping your allowance as low as it is? Given that you are living (and coping) independently, I would think that you have proved that you can be sensible by now.

It could be that they are not being tight fisted but more 'protective' in that from their point of view they are shielding you from the experience of such things such as going out to night clubs and having too much to drink and someone taking advantage of you.

I am not a night club or disco type of person but I would like enough money to go bowling or to the cinema or a concert with my friends 2 or 3 times a month. My Aunt has been very kind to me and I don't like having to say I need more money from Mum and Dads estate. It sounds as if I'm moaning but my life seems so dull and dreary and sad. I think I am going to have to ask soon.
Three months today my written exams will be finished. I have got to hold it together until then. Got, got, got!

I think you need to write down where your money goes each week and then have a chat with your aunt.

It sounds as thought she is very approachable, and you are being reasonable, so maybe just ask her to give you a little extra for some fun time until the exams are over?

Keep holding it together - once you get to Uni it will be a whole new world for you.

Where in the country are you ?
I wonder if there are MNrs close toyou who could help out ?
You sound amazing.

Last year Mothers Day (the first since Mum and Dad were killed) was dreadfully hard to cope with but people rallied round to offer me support. This year, with no support, feels worse if anything.

There has been a bit of a change on the university plans. If I get in I would like to live in the Halls of Residence and rent this house out or even sell it. All sorts of reasons but mainly because I think it would be a fresh start and easier to make new friends.

Also there has been a change in the money side. For some strange reason I didn't ever think that the money from my house mate is mine to spend if I want. So now I do have some money to spend on little luxuries.

AND, the school has let me move tutor groups. The Head Teacher finally agreed that "it might be for the best".

Some practical advice on having a lodger:

www.communities.gov.uk/documents/housing/pdf/151564.pdf

It is the Easter holidays so no school for me except for the extra lessons some teachers are putting on.

Do you know what? Quite suddenly I think I am starting to get over Mum and Dad dying. Perhaps its because I having to plan ahead for exams and uni rather than thinking about the past? Perhaps time gradually makes the pain go away. Anyway for the last couple of weeks I have felt the worst part has finished.

The school staff think I should get the grades I need and I think their positive comments helped me feel better.

Haven't posted before but followed your thread.

You should be immensely proud of all that you have achieved this last year, particularly when some at your school have done their level best to sabotage your efforts. If you were my child I would be very proud of you and I am sure your parents would have been too. Bereavement, and I do have experience re my own DC, but not similar to your situation, is a journey and not just an event. I am glad that you feel you are moving along that journey and looking forward.

My very best wishes to you for your exams and the grades you need to take you on to your next challenge.

Yes, Missd you should rightly be proud of yourself - I'm glad your good prediction for grades has buoyed you up. I've not had to go through anything like you're experiencing but I do feel for you and hope everything will work out well in the end. You certainly will be a lot more mature than your peers for going through this, although it's a pity you've had to look after yourself while still at school. Well done for getting on with life and continuing to aim for your goals, although your parents are no longer here you can tell yourself that they would be proud of you for trying to do the best for yourself. I'd be proud of you if you were my daughter!

I do find the info that people post for me helps cheer me up. It's quite hard to keep grinding away at revision and course work and running the house unless there is some hope that eventually things might get a bit easier.

My exams start in mid-June and basically it is two weeks of horror. Then the long wait for the results and then I hope I can go off to uni. I do hope that wherever Mum and Dad are they realise that I have done my best and if my best isn't good enough to get to uni at least I tried.

You certainly sound to me like you're doing your utmost to succeed. I'd be very surprised if you didn't get a place at uni, I'm sure you will come across as much more mature at interview and universities will appreciate students who know how to organise and look after themselves. I sent you a mumsnet e-mail a while ago, do get in touch if there's anything I can do to help.

14 more days at school before study leave starts. I seem to have no spare time at all but I'm feeling more OK than I was because the end is in sight. Last night I had my first dream about Mum and Dad in ages. Nothing very meaningful but horrid to wake up and realise they were still dead. If there is a heaven I hope they realise how hard I have tried to get through my AS and A2's. My Head Teacher and the Head of the Sixth Form keeps telling me it will be OK. I hope they are right.

my heart goes out to you, what a tough thing to deal with, lots of good ideas here, keep pushing on dont let them put you in a corner.

Can you get more support from your aunt and uncle?
it must be tough going home to an empty house especially the family home.Can they help you find your own place somewhere you can make a fresh start maybe ?

you sound a very resourceful young lady

Well its school holiday and study leave and less than 2 weeks to my first exam. Basically June will decide my future and if I don't get the results I need I'm going to be royally stuffed. All I can keep telling myself is that I have done my best in the circumstances.

I do sometimes wonder how I have got through the sixth form. I think some of the school staff deserve a medal for helping me so much. They do say "one day at a time" is the best way to get though coping with a death and I think they are right.

I don't expect I will post again until my exams are over (Monday 27th) so its fingers crossed!

Wishing you the very best of luck to add to all your hard work - you do deserve to get the results you need to see you on to the next stage of your life.

I'm in the middle of the A2 exams now. More on Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday and next Monday. The first two which were last week seemed to go OK.

So Mum and Dad if you are looking down on me I'm hanging on in there!

Its been hard watching the other kids phoning parents to say how things have gone or seeing them getting collected in the parental car as I plod off to do the shopping. But the end is in sight.

Why not let all of us know how your exams are going? We are all hoping for the very best outcome for you and would be delighted to hear that you are coping.

Fingers crossed for the next few days - not that you will need that - I think you are very well prepared.

Thinking of you as you sit your exams. I hope they go well.

As you say, hang on in there, and do your best.

Thinking of you and sending you lots of good wishes . Chin up chicken . You are doing so well. Your Mum and Dad would be so proud of you.

Good luck for your exams.

You sound like an amazingly strong young lady. You are doing yourself and your parents proud. Any mother and father would be honoured to have a daughter as strong, sensible and independant as you sound.