Bereavement in schools - help!!

[missdisorganised1]

It has been 11 months since my Mum and Dad were killed. My Nan and Granddad looked after me after the accident until I was 18 but since I was 18 (October last year) I have been living in the family home on my own.

The school staff know all this so why do I still get some school letters addressed to my Mum and Dad. The last one only this last Friday. I?ve tried ignoring it, mentioning it to the Head of the Sixth Form and I even wrote to the Chair of Governors (who wrote back to my parents rather than me which was a "nice" touch)

I am just getting so stressed by this and need to vent somewhere. Sorry!

You sound amazing missd. I feel sure you are going to do very well, you sound like a very strong person and if you were my daughter I would be very very proud.

Just a small suggestion - do you shop online at all for your groceries/bulky things? That would save you some time and effort.

Are your friends and their parents supportive?

Lots of luck with the exams.

All the parents on here will be sending you positive vibes.

I hope the rest of your exams go well.

You sound so incredibly strong. I am amazed at how you're managing everything, I know there's no way I could have handled it all when I was your age. Your Mum and Dad would be so proud.

Wow, you are doing great stuff.....

I haven't posted before, but just wanted to add how well you are doing.

I think Halls would be a great idea for Uni, puts you right in the middle of the student community. And opt for catered too if you can so you give yourself a break from cooking....more fun eating together. If you mention your circumstances and reasons for wanting Halls, you may get priority (you certainly should!)

And I guess before you go, you should make contact with Cruise or the other agencies you've been helped by and find their local offices wherever uni is going to be....

Good luck for the next couple of weeks. have you got any plans for the long summer break to look forward to? Now that is something the trustees should be providing additional cash for.

It is an A2 physics exam this morning which is why I woke up at 4:45. This is the one that I am most confident about based on the mock results this year.

This time next week it will all be over.

Beachyhead - I am going to the local university and yes they have agreed to give me priority for living in Halls "given my circumstances". I am also meeting with the Trustees late next week to discuss money and my lack of it now my lodger has given in her notice. (This is very sad as I liked her (a young widow) but she has a new job in Belfast.

Hope all went as well as you were wishing for Physics. That's behind you now, on to the next....

When you go to university take a door wedge with you. The doors are self closing and sometimes it's nice to wedge door open and chat to people in the corridor ....easier to make friends....This was a tip from DD.

Wow! what an amazing person you are. I admire you, I really do.

When you go to uni I would suggest hanging on to the house and renting it out as an investment.

Hello missdis

I just wanted to say that you are coping amazingly well and am sending you lots of good vibes for the last few of your exams. I think you are a total star.

I went through a similar situation when my Mum died of cancer and then my Grandpa had a massive heart attack 2 days after Mum so we had a double funeral, his death was a huge shock. Mum was a single parent so Grandpa was very much my father figure.
I was 17 and doing A levels too and all that you have said about stupid admin people rings so true... obviously not much changed in the last 17 years!

I was fortunate in that I have a brother and sister so not living alone as you are although it was very weird going with my older brother to my little sisters parents evening!!

But it does get easier and as you get older you meet more people whose parents have died, its very isolating when you are young and none of your peers can understand, you sound like you have accessed the right support though.

Anyway please keep your chin up, I hope that you can find a lodger for the summer and that all goes well with uni.

Please message me if you want to chat.

x x

Hello there ? I just wanted to pass on a few points from my daughter who had a fantastic time at University

1. Buy a big marker pen to write your name on your food if you're sharing a fridge.. also there's no need to fill the fridge up with 5 margarine tubs and stuff like that so share a few things and save room!!

2. If you share a place in halls then make sure everyone pulls their weight and does their own washing up and stuff... and if the cheeky sods start nicking your clean plates cos they're too lazy to wash their own then lock them up in your room (I had to do that)

3. Don't get the room nearest the front door the constant banging as people go in and out will drive you mad!!!

4. Take white tac instead of bluetac for putting pictures on walls - leaves less marks!!!

Can your school (or 6th form college) help you prepare for University life?
How many more exams have you got left?

Good Luck
Dan

Have you finished yet???? Sounds like you must nearly be there? Good Luck if this is the last weekend of studying for a while..... What are you doing at Uni? Thinking of you

I have finish revising! My last exam (Physics) is tomorrow and if I don't know it now I never will. I don't think I could have done any more than I have so if I don't get what I need it was because I wasn't good enough. I have got to get 280 points (BBC) to go to my nearest university to study Forensic and Applied Biology.

I don't think I believe in heaven and hell but if my Mum and Dad are looking down at me: I know you didn't mean to leave me behind when you had to go to where ever you go after a sudden death. It just wasn't my time yet.

As Juba says in Gladiator "I will see you again... but not yet... Not yet!"

Good luck for tomorrow x x

Hope all goes well tomorrow, will be thinking of you.

Very best wishes for the last exam and fingers crossed that all your hard work will get the results you need.

Now my exams are over I suppose I count as having officially left school. As I walked out from the exam room I was intercepted by the Head of Sixth Form who took me to see the Head Teacher. They said all sorts of nice things about me and I am going to be awarded the Overcoming Adversity prize at the Celebration of Achievement event held in September. It felt strange walking out of the school for the last time especially are there are still lessons going on for most groups. Everything seemed remote and unreal.

I?m in a daze at the moment. I seem to been focused on these exams for as long as I can remember and I don?t know what I will do with all my free time. I am going to be so disappointed if I don?t get the grades but I?m quite hopeful that I will. Fingers crossed. A group of us are going out tonight ? nothing too expensive.

The first job is to get the house tidied up as the trustees who look after my money are coming to visit me tomorrow morning. We need to discuss money (again) as my lodger is leaving soon and I need to know how much money I am going to be allocated.

Well done on getting through your exams. Was thinking of you today.

Why don't you do a budget planner to show your trustees when they come.
You could use something like THIS Don't fill in the bits you don't need.

Congratulations on getting through your exams! Sounds like you have every reason to hope you've done really well.
I hope this marks the start of the next stage of your life - preparing for university (this summer might feel a bit long but there will be a lot to look forward to, keep posting to get you there) where you will live with others in an age-appropriate environment and hopefully have the chance to make strong friendship bonds and have a little fun.
What a brave and strong girl you are. You have earned success in your exams and that is just one achievement amongst many. I so hope the future holds happiness for you.

How's it going? Were the trustees helpful? and more importantly, have you any nice plans for the summer break.....

Based on talking to the trustees (and to people here) I think I have decided what to do. If I get the grades to go to uni I will rent out the family house and live in the halls of residence during term time and live with my Nan and Grandad during the holidays. I don't think I will be able to manage financially unless I do this.

I am in urgent need of a holiday so I am going to Malta with three friends from school. This will be the first time I have been abroad without Mum and Dad.

When I get back I must do a job I have been dreading. That is sorting out and giving away Mum and Dads clothes and their possessions and also sorting out a proper stone for the cemetery. You have to leave it 12 months or more after the funeral.

Missd
The holiday is a great idea.
Sorting out your mum and dad's possessions is quite a task. Do draw on the help of those around you if you feel you do not want to do it alone - it may be a chance to share happy memories of your mum and dad.

I got back from Malta a few days ago and now I really do have to sort Mum and Dad's clothes and possessions. My best friend is going to help me because I really didn't want adult company around for this job. (No I don't know why either, just the way it is).

I have also looked at the gravestones on-line. I really would like to put something about that they died together in a road accident so would my aunt but GParents are very anti this. More trauma.

Not too long until the exam results now.

Missd

Hope you had a great time away. Good that you have a friend who can help you sort out your Mum and Dad's possessions. You might want to ask family if there is any item that they might want as a memento, having first decided what you want to keep for you and your future family - they will want to 'know' your mum and dad too.

As for gravestones - well - I would say try to do what seems right now. It may be that sometime in the future a different form of words might have seemed 'better'. To give an example, we have buried two babies and on both we put 'fell asleep' as it seemed a gentler description than 'died' which I had no difficulty with then or now. In a way it was to make reading the gravestone 'easier' for others, less stark. Now, some years on, I feel it would have been more honest to have 'died' but I won't be doing anything to change it - as I can't change the fact that we sang 'All things bright and beautiful' at both funerals, even though I really didn't like it but - 'what you do for one child you do for the other' logic applied!

For me, I can see that you would want to record that your mum and dad died together - is the issue for your Grandparents mentioning the way they died in a road accident? You know how they died. Would a gravestone(s) saying they died together be enough for you and suit wider family?

As with many things you will have experienced since your mum and dad died, I think this may be one of those times where you, once again, may have to be the 'better person' and find a way forward that helps others deal with your parents' deaths.

Let us know, if you want to, how the results go.

Well I have done it. I've sorted out Mum and Dad clothes and taken the nicer items to a local charity shop. It wasn't nearly as bad I had thought it was going to be but I'm glad I had a friend with me. I've also sorted through the books and magazines that they had collected over the years. I've kept a few, including the ones they were in the middle of when they got killed, but most have gone to a different charity shop. Finally all their more personal possessions have been listed and the family can have anything that I don't want for myself. I'm going to keep Mum's engagement and wedding rings - perhaps for me to us myself when I get older. I'm keeping the photos and a few recordings with Mum and Dad's voices on.

Now I have just got to wait for the exam results. Hopefully I will get the grades I need.

MissD

Sorry to have been away from this thread for a while - MN doesn't pick up on new posts that well for occasional posters like me.

You have done so well -sorting out you mum & dad's stuff must have been so hard for you. Well done on getting throught the exams, and I will be waiting with fingers crossed for the results.

I am so glad that the school finally woke up and recognised what you have been through, and that you had some time in Malta with good friends.

Keep going - I will try to check in when I can.

Next Thursday is probably one of the most important days of my life - A2 resullts day.

Pass or fail, either way, I don't have anybody to share it with who will really care much either way. And that sucks, big time!!!