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SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

Original poster

partner working from home- I'm miserable!

103 replies

bemorelemmy · 22/12/2023 12:42

Hello,

I've posted here rather than on chat or aibu as I'm sure I'd get my arse handed to me in those topics!
I'm 52, my partner is 54 and we have 2 teenagers in school and 6th form respectively
We do have a good relationship when he finishes work.
I used to work- over a decade ago- I had to give up due to peri-meno/stress. I've since had ovaries removed but it hasn't been a breeze. My partner has never made me feel bad about not working even though we could do with the money I used to earn.
I did buy a house in my 20s- before I met my partner- which massively helped us on to the housing ladder- my partner always rented- so I do feel that at least I contributed there.
But that's the thing- I guess I feel quite defensive about not working and need to point out what I have done!
I think I need to work for my poor mental health but don't feel like I can be reliable as a worker.
Anyway, I've upped my game domestically and do feel a sense of achievement with home-cooked meals, tidy(ish!) house and keeping on top of kids' lives/responsibilities/washing.
So, the rub is that partner works from home- has done since COVID and I absolutely cannot bear it!! It really is making me miserable and I feel utterly trapped in my own home.
First he's incredibly messy- I don't mind all the household chores- that's only fair but he adds unnecessarily eg unthinkingly opening parcels and chucking packaging on the floor.
The other HUGE issue is that I cannot bear being in the areas where I can hear his relentless zoom meetings which means kitchen/laundry room etc- all the things I need to do.
My particular gripe is that I can't stand his work persona much of the time! he's often slagging people off to other colleagues and this really surprised me when I first heard him do it as I thought he was more professional.
We all have gripes from time to time but he's way too much and I find it unedifying from a middle aged man
To be honest It gives me the ick (as young people say) and really bothers me.
He's always taken himself very seriously at work- all his family are like that- and I guess, bit by bit, I've started to realise that maybe he isn't as impressive as he thinks which is fine- he's probably just perceived as being fine but with some quirks and foibles rather than the person holding the company together!!
He does have a sense of humour and is capable of self-deprecation and I really like it when he does it about his work and status but it doesn't happen often!!
His family talk about their jobs a lot, always have, and they do tend to slag off other people/say how useless they are/tell stories wherein they're the hero- so it's obvious where this all comes from.
I don't care two hoots about his status- it's the David Brent-like persona that I don't care for!
What I will say is that he and his family don't actually have massive egos, they are quite insular people who just take themselves super seriously- I think they genuinely believe they are completely crucial in the work place.
Right that's off my chest- looks daft written down but by god it's making me miserable
as I say, the minute he finishes work and we chat, it's ok, a calm descends upon me.
I know I should get out of the house more/work myself but I do resent that I can't get any peace in my own home. Plus, I wouldn't mind the option of working from home myself but obvs wouldnt get peace or tidiness! Not to mention that if I were to go out to work I know the house would be somewhat messy to resturn to.
He does try in that area but I have to keep at him and sometimes he accuses me of nagging but it's the relentlessness of picking up towels, recycling stuff he can't be arsed to do that drives me bananas.
I don't want this to go beyond the point of no return- I don't want to feel put off him but I'm worried we're heading there.
thanks if you've read all this.

OP posts:
Original poster
bemorelemmy · 22/12/2023 12:42

sorry it's very long!

OP posts:
SOxon · 22/12/2023 13:17

what is the point you are trying to make ?

Honeychickpea · 22/12/2023 13:22

SOxon · 22/12/2023 13:17

what is the point you are trying to make ?

I think the point is that the OP really really needs to get a full time job and pull her weight for the family.

Bettyscakes · 22/12/2023 13:27

I think this sums it up. Not working for 10 years due to menopause- really?

DisforDarkChocolate · 22/12/2023 13:27

I think the point is her partner needs to go back to the office some days and stop making a mess.

Both reasonable to insist on @bemorelemmy.

LadyScarlett · 22/12/2023 13:29

I think making a mess etc is unacceptable, and he needs to address this.

You need to get a job, and contribute and that will naturally give you the time apart you need.

Assssssssssss · 22/12/2023 13:30

I think some posters are jealous you don't work

DisforDarkChocolate · 22/12/2023 13:32

Some posters have no idea how mental health issues can have a significant impact on your life.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 22/12/2023 13:34

I cannot bear being in the areas where I can hear his relentless zoom meetings which means kitchen/laundry room etc

Does he work in the kitchen? Is there anywhere else he could go?

I think it's reasonable to expect him to not make a mess. I don't actually think it's reasonable to say he can't work from home. However, (provided he's wfh through choice rather than his office being shut), I wouldn't be tiptoeing around it, eg being quiet, not vacuuming in because it's disturbs him etc. I don't think you can expect him to get out of the house, but equally he can't expect you to work around this choice he's made.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 22/12/2023 13:38

Could you get a job and get out of the house a bit more?

SirChenjins · 22/12/2023 13:39

You’re being reasonable about the mess - the rest of your post, not so much.

You really need to get back to work, whether that’s paid (ideally) or unpaid - but you know that. Come and join the rest of us going through the menopause here!

howshouldibehave · 22/12/2023 13:44

You want him to go back to the office so you can have more quiet and space to do what you want. Nice! Imagine if you were the one being told you should work in the office more so that your spouse who didn’t work at all, didn’t have to hear you working…

SleepingStandingUp · 22/12/2023 13:45

Is he genuinely in meetings constantly op of those areas are now basically no go zones? Can he work upstairs?

I'd look at finding yourself some volunteer work. Nothing heavy, few hours once a week in a charity shop or similar.

If he opens a parcel and drops the crap on the floor, step over it. Remind him once. Don't pick it up. If the kids comment tell them Dad put it there.

Clothes and towels get washed if they're left on the right place. Do it with the kids and tell llDH that means him too

daisypond · 22/12/2023 13:53

You need to get a job, I think. I do think not working for ten years is a bit shocking, I’m afraid. I have poor mental health, am menopausal with awful symptoms, and very ill with cancer, and I have to work because there’s no alternative. My house is a mess, to be honest, though.

spanishviola · 22/12/2023 13:56

Noise cancelling headphones. They are a life saver for me.

colourfulchinadolls · 22/12/2023 14:07

Lol, go back to work OP.

Incognitoergosumlol · 22/12/2023 14:10

You really need to go back to work and contribute. You say you can't stand his 'work persona' - the very thing enabling you to do no paid work of your own. Your poor DH! No sympathy.

theduchessofspork · 22/12/2023 16:36

Well I think there are a few things going on here

You need to get out of the house and build your life up. You don’t have enough going on, whether you are earning or not. But since the money would be useful, it would make sense to get a job.

It doesn’t really wash for you to say you don’t think you’d be a reliable worker, given you haven’t tried for a decade. So pull yourself together here, maybe get a couple of sessions with a life coach, and get a job.

Your husband needs to stop chucking stuff on the floor, and when you are at home less/working from home he can be told to keep his work calls down. He could also go into the office a couple days a week (could he?)

You don’t really have a leg to stand on with the David Brent persona. I can see it’s unappealing but you are basically in his office where you should not be. I also suspect it’s not as bad as you say - it’s just annoying you because it’s in your face.

So basically sort your own life out, then turn to him and negotiate what you’d like to change.

I wouldn’t want to negate how difficult health issues can be, but it doesn’t remotely sound you are too ill to work. Given that you could do with the money, he has given you an immensely privileged life since the kids went to school - which more than balances out David Brent shouting coming from his home office.

theduchessofspork · 22/12/2023 16:38

Assssssssssss · 22/12/2023 13:30

I think some posters are jealous you don't work

Edited

I don’t think so. The OP’s life as Mrs Brent picking up her husbands mess doesn’t sound v exciting.

Honeychickpea · 24/12/2023 22:06

Yet she prefers it to getting a job.

Gunpowder · 24/12/2023 22:23

Some of these replies are so unkind and actually really unhelpful.

OP I am so sorry you are in this situation. The menopause/stress thing sounds awful and if it is stopping you from doing things you would like to I would ask your GP for help and a referral. Maybe HRT could help.

I don’t think you owe anyone any explanation ot need to ‘pay your way’. That said, it doesn’t sound like you are finding ‘housewifery’ fulfilling and it’s clearly fracturing your relationship. Maybe some part time work in a low stress job might give you an escape and some external validation? But do it for you, not because snipy people imply that you are a sponger. Work doesn’t have to be paid to be valuable. Btw even if you are the main house person I think it’s ok to ask your partner nicely to be considerate about mess. He probably doesn’t realise. Good luck.

olderbutwiser · 24/12/2023 22:45

What is retirement going to be like? Are you discovering you don’t really like your husband that much?

Does he have an office at home to work from?

Whataretheodds · 24/12/2023 22:51

  1. getting on the housing ladder is a massive contribution

  2. you were too ill to work. You didn't just fancy fannying about for a bit. Now the outlook may be different. If so, great.

  3. is there a spare bedroom he can work from or other space he can be confined to? If you were to go out for the day while he worked would have have made sure the place was tidy again by the time you got home? If not he needs to pull his finger out and not create a tip. Can he go into the office a couple of days a week?

  4. you need to find ways to get out of the house. If you can work, great. If you can volunteer, great. If both, great.

Soontobe60 · 24/12/2023 22:59

As you say you’re unable to work I assume you receive PIP?
Also, I assume when you say you had your own house, it had a substantial mortgage on it? You seem not to actually like your husband that much. If you’re considering going separate ways, you really need to get a job asap. Also, check out how much State pension you’d be entitled to.

Soontobe60 · 24/12/2023 23:01

I’ve also just realised you say ‘partner’. Are you not married?