partner working from home- I'm miserable!

[bemorelemmy]

Hello,

I've posted here rather than on chat or aibu as I'm sure I'd get my arse handed to me in those topics!
I'm 52, my partner is 54 and we have 2 teenagers in school and 6th form respectively
We do have a good relationship when he finishes work.
I used to work- over a decade ago- I had to give up due to peri-meno/stress. I've since had ovaries removed but it hasn't been a breeze. My partner has never made me feel bad about not working even though we could do with the money I used to earn.
I did buy a house in my 20s- before I met my partner- which massively helped us on to the housing ladder- my partner always rented- so I do feel that at least I contributed there.
But that's the thing- I guess I feel quite defensive about not working and need to point out what I have done!
I think I need to work for my poor mental health but don't feel like I can be reliable as a worker.
Anyway, I've upped my game domestically and do feel a sense of achievement with home-cooked meals, tidy(ish!) house and keeping on top of kids' lives/responsibilities/washing.
So, the rub is that partner works from home- has done since COVID and I absolutely cannot bear it!! It really is making me miserable and I feel utterly trapped in my own home.
First he's incredibly messy- I don't mind all the household chores- that's only fair but he adds unnecessarily eg unthinkingly opening parcels and chucking packaging on the floor.
The other HUGE issue is that I cannot bear being in the areas where I can hear his relentless zoom meetings which means kitchen/laundry room etc- all the things I need to do.
My particular gripe is that I can't stand his work persona much of the time! he's often slagging people off to other colleagues and this really surprised me when I first heard him do it as I thought he was more professional.
We all have gripes from time to time but he's way too much and I find it unedifying from a middle aged man
To be honest It gives me the ick (as young people say) and really bothers me.
He's always taken himself very seriously at work- all his family are like that- and I guess, bit by bit, I've started to realise that maybe he isn't as impressive as he thinks which is fine- he's probably just perceived as being fine but with some quirks and foibles rather than the person holding the company together!!
He does have a sense of humour and is capable of self-deprecation and I really like it when he does it about his work and status but it doesn't happen often!!
His family talk about their jobs a lot, always have, and they do tend to slag off other people/say how useless they are/tell stories wherein they're the hero- so it's obvious where this all comes from.
I don't care two hoots about his status- it's the David Brent-like persona that I don't care for!
What I will say is that he and his family don't actually have massive egos, they are quite insular people who just take themselves super seriously- I think they genuinely believe they are completely crucial in the work place.
Right that's off my chest- looks daft written down but by god it's making me miserable
as I say, the minute he finishes work and we chat, it's ok, a calm descends upon me.
I know I should get out of the house more/work myself but I do resent that I can't get any peace in my own home. Plus, I wouldn't mind the option of working from home myself but obvs wouldnt get peace or tidiness! Not to mention that if I were to go out to work I know the house would be somewhat messy to resturn to.
He does try in that area but I have to keep at him and sometimes he accuses me of nagging but it's the relentlessness of picking up towels, recycling stuff he can't be arsed to do that drives me bananas.
I don't want this to go beyond the point of no return- I don't want to feel put off him but I'm worried we're heading there.
thanks if you've read all this.

I recognise this, people have become more withdrawn, unmotivated and have lost their confidence and social skills wfh. I also think if you're home all day it also makes you quite boring as you have no interaction with anyone else, my husband wfh and got boring and lazy, thankfully he's gone back into the office now. He's much happier too, and the space has done our relationship good.
Your situation actually sounds quite ridiculous, I would feel annoyed too as I'm sure he's grateful to have someone do all the housework.

Holding me where? I respect the choice to stay 'at home' and raise a family and I respect the choice to work. This is funny! Both 100% valid choices!

@Passingthethyme Thank you yes, I think that being in the office enough to have a good relationship with his colleagues was really good for him. I have friends and people I see as many women do but I think lots of men especially can become a bit insular as they often don't maintain friendships in the same way we do (obviously there are exceptions to this).

You know you don’t need to keep responding to my posts given you’ve said you wish to move on?

Such absolute bullshit that you're only adding value if you're adding cash. If he's happy with her not working and she's happier not working how is that the problem; them being in the house at the same time when he is working is the problem but paid employment out of the house isn't the only answer.

Join a gym maybe OP or some other hobby that will get you out and about a bit more?

Yes! In responding I'm exercising my right to choose. It's quite difficult not to respond when someone is so obviously mistaken - and also perched way up high.

Sometimes it's a bit much. Especially when people are posting on here genuinely asking for kind advice about a specific, nuanced situation. And are even posting on the SAHP board in anticipation of the kinds of judgemental responses they will receive.

No @bluesky11 , not mistaken - a different opinion. Remember we established that?

Loads of women have to give up or are pushed out of jobs because of menopause. That's part of the reason there's been a big campaign about it in recent years.

We definitely have different opinions and we're both allowed to think that the other is mistaken. In the end we just want to help OP.

Indeed.

So you haven't worked for 10 YEARS because of stress and the menopause? Really?! How do you expect to have a full state pension when you retire? How do you get yourself out of bed in the morning without a purpose?

Everyone gets stressed, as far as I'm concerned it's now just part of life. I suggest you get a part time job and start contributing to your household.

Consider getting a dog. Long walks daily are great for improving mental health, you’ll have a furry friend that will love you unconditionally and it can be sociable getting you out of the house for dog walkers coffees.

Exactly. It astounds me how some people think earning money is literally THE ONLY WAY to "pull weight" in a home. FFS. Who the fuck do you think is the magical cleaning/cooking/laundry fairy? FO.

ODFO.

Headphones would sort this.

Headset for him
Noise cancelling headphones for you

It should be all the adults and teenagers in the home. If one person has taken this role on behalf of all of them and doesn’t say ‘enough - I’m building a life for myself outside of the home, there’s the cleaning rota, it’s your turn’ ’ then more fool them.

@HalloumiGeller Her state pension will be protected through the child benefit system. Once the youngest is 12 you can either contribute NI through your employer, or pay contributions yourself through self employed income or your husband/ partner's income.

Agree. Quite disturbing comments on here, OP is doing more than her fair share

It sounds as if you both need to modify your behavior. He needs to stop creating a mess at home and you need to find something to get you out of the house more. Volunteering, perhaps a part-time job- just a few hours a week to get you out of the house and not feel so confined.

My DH and I have both had to adapt to more wfh. I’m self-employed with an outside office, but I’m used to spending a couple of days a week home alone. DH wfh most of the time-his team technically goes in twice a week, but they rarely do, it’s usually once a week. So we have to tolerate each other’s presence alot more. DH often eats food that I’ve planned for another meal, likes regular cups of tea, and he’s incredibly nosy about what I’m up to. 😂 Plus he’s good at coming up with jobs for me to do at home. So I spend more time in my office nowadays. 🤣

Air pod pros

Right, and if you split from your husband then you're fucked basically.

Easier to just get a job and pay in, simples.

If it's your husband, not necessarily f*. Assets will be split (including pension pots), therefore you could well end up with a pile of money in the bank once everything is sold. Maintenance payments are also a thing. Another option at that point is a full or part time job or career. NI contributions aren't that much - the main issue is keeping an eye on it so you can top up payments if needs be.

Could he work from home part time and you work out of the home part time.

Also put any mess left out in a box. Or stick his wet towels, dirty mugs, discarded bubble wrap whatever in a pile in his office. Stop washing his clothes, stop buying him in his favourite foods, stop cooking for him. He can’t be bothered to clean up after himself, you can’t be bothered to clean up his mess.

I'm feeling like this is now a zombie thread as OP hasn't been back but.....

Wfh is a pain for the ones not working. My suggestion would be for DH to set up in the bedroom so he's out of the common living spaces. I am on a LOT of conference calls and often people have beds behind them as many don't have a dedicated office space.

Equally all conf calls don't need to be on camera so can be done from a phone in another room - eg the lounge on the sofa.

We currently have 3 adults wfh in our house and it's not pretty. On my non working days off my adult DD shushes me when she's on calls I just give her the look that says 'this is my house, on my days off, and I'm going to enjoy the common spaces as much and as loudly as I want. you are welcome to go and work in your room'. She knows the look because we've had the conversation 😬

@ooooohnoooooo can't really blame poor old @bemorelemmy for not returning. Some of the comments are harsh! I'm with @YouJustDoYou and co. Different families have different ways of doing things and it really doesn't deserve a pile on.
We had three families members WFH for a stint recently and it's hard so I agree with you too!