partner working from home- I'm miserable!

[bemorelemmy]

Hello,

I've posted here rather than on chat or aibu as I'm sure I'd get my arse handed to me in those topics!
I'm 52, my partner is 54 and we have 2 teenagers in school and 6th form respectively
We do have a good relationship when he finishes work.
I used to work- over a decade ago- I had to give up due to peri-meno/stress. I've since had ovaries removed but it hasn't been a breeze. My partner has never made me feel bad about not working even though we could do with the money I used to earn.
I did buy a house in my 20s- before I met my partner- which massively helped us on to the housing ladder- my partner always rented- so I do feel that at least I contributed there.
But that's the thing- I guess I feel quite defensive about not working and need to point out what I have done!
I think I need to work for my poor mental health but don't feel like I can be reliable as a worker.
Anyway, I've upped my game domestically and do feel a sense of achievement with home-cooked meals, tidy(ish!) house and keeping on top of kids' lives/responsibilities/washing.
So, the rub is that partner works from home- has done since COVID and I absolutely cannot bear it!! It really is making me miserable and I feel utterly trapped in my own home.
First he's incredibly messy- I don't mind all the household chores- that's only fair but he adds unnecessarily eg unthinkingly opening parcels and chucking packaging on the floor.
The other HUGE issue is that I cannot bear being in the areas where I can hear his relentless zoom meetings which means kitchen/laundry room etc- all the things I need to do.
My particular gripe is that I can't stand his work persona much of the time! he's often slagging people off to other colleagues and this really surprised me when I first heard him do it as I thought he was more professional.
We all have gripes from time to time but he's way too much and I find it unedifying from a middle aged man
To be honest It gives me the ick (as young people say) and really bothers me.
He's always taken himself very seriously at work- all his family are like that- and I guess, bit by bit, I've started to realise that maybe he isn't as impressive as he thinks which is fine- he's probably just perceived as being fine but with some quirks and foibles rather than the person holding the company together!!
He does have a sense of humour and is capable of self-deprecation and I really like it when he does it about his work and status but it doesn't happen often!!
His family talk about their jobs a lot, always have, and they do tend to slag off other people/say how useless they are/tell stories wherein they're the hero- so it's obvious where this all comes from.
I don't care two hoots about his status- it's the David Brent-like persona that I don't care for!
What I will say is that he and his family don't actually have massive egos, they are quite insular people who just take themselves super seriously- I think they genuinely believe they are completely crucial in the work place.
Right that's off my chest- looks daft written down but by god it's making me miserable
as I say, the minute he finishes work and we chat, it's ok, a calm descends upon me.
I know I should get out of the house more/work myself but I do resent that I can't get any peace in my own home. Plus, I wouldn't mind the option of working from home myself but obvs wouldnt get peace or tidiness! Not to mention that if I were to go out to work I know the house would be somewhat messy to resturn to.
He does try in that area but I have to keep at him and sometimes he accuses me of nagging but it's the relentlessness of picking up towels, recycling stuff he can't be arsed to do that drives me bananas.
I don't want this to go beyond the point of no return- I don't want to feel put off him but I'm worried we're heading there.
thanks if you've read all this.

I work and look after the house (with dh too who also works). But there is no way we do it to the same standard a person who is dedicated to just looking after the home could do. It's nonsense to suggest that's possible. If we could afford it I'd definitely stay at home or dh would.

Anyway, that aside, I would look into flexible work or wfh and forget the mess tbh. I can live with a not perfect house and food not always being from scratch etc far more easily than I could live with not having a reasonable income of my own. Maybe a term time only job would suit you as you can then make up the work in the school holidays. Pay can be terrible but if you shop around you can find decent pay in schools / universities. I know someone who works in a higher band admin role in a school and she makes the same as she would working all year in most of the admin roles I see advertised.

I agree.

I work part time. Similar age to Op. Dh works full time wfh 3 days a week, in office twice. I cherish my day when I'm not working and DH is in office.

DH likes me only part time and would be happy for me not to work. Our relationship is more important to us than tit for tat I work so you have to.

This is the SAHP board 🤷‍♀️

Yes it is - and in this case the OP being at home is not working for either of them.

Saying OP is pulling her weight by taking care of the home, most people do that and work.
Especially with older children.
As for claiming pip for menopause. The menopause is not a disability
I'm the same age going through menopause with mental health issues and 4 older children and work full time.
My house is a tip.
Get a job and that will give you the space you need from your husband and improve the lives of all of you.

👏🏼

Wow, this is the Stay At Home Parent board! Can't imagine what it's like on the other threads. The fact is that for all sorts of reasons - including cultural, earning potential, convenience, preference, biology, relationship and family dynamics - it's usually women who take on the bulk of the domestic load and childcare duties whether they are also doing paid work or not. Many men are seemingly free to opt out entirely. Devaluing this unpaid labour as not real work is misogynistic IMO. Let's be honest here - the unpaid work doesn't end when the kids go to school or become teenagers. Be kind to OP - she is doing her thing while her husband works but finding her environment challenging.

No-one has devalued anything - they’re simply explaining that it’s what millions of parents around the world do. Raising a family, keeping the home relatively clean and tidy and working is just part and parcel of being an adult and perfectly possible to do esp when children are at an age when they don’t need childcare- nothing misogynistic about pointing that out.

It's a little patronising and not the original point of the post.

If it's so doable, why are so many posters on this thread saying that they and their DH work but their house is a tip.

AND, if you choose one of these roles (paid work/domestic work) instead of all of these roles, that doesn't make you less of an adult.

I'm a SAHM to a 2.5 yo and my DH wfh until my DC was about 2. I told him he needed to go back into the office as being together 24/7 was suffocating me as he was ALWAYS around and generally not good for our relationship. He also barely did anything around the house. Unfortunately I think you have less reason to be annoyed as you have options to be out of the house more than I did. It's also fair for him to not be a total pig, but I do think the majority of the housework is your 'job' if you have grown children as you're not a SAHP, but a housewife. If you can't work, then do volunteer work so you have a life and are out of the house more. See if he can go into the office a few days. For both of you time apart and being with other people is actually important and a good thing. Both of you being home makes you both really boring people and it's not surprising if you start getting bored of each other too, speaking from experience!

Yes really. The menopause causes something like 20% of women to leave their jobs. I was one of them .

It is a disability if it creates symptoms that make you disabled. It did for me.

You are 52. I bloody hated everyone at 52. If I could have lived on an island on my own I would have.
Does meno and stress really stop you working? I have complex PTSD, panic attacks and had the worst menopause known to man and have found that actually full time work really levels me out. I have to work anyway because I live on my own - I was a single mum for years and had to ensure my DS had a decent place to live so not working wasn't an option.
I think you really need to make some changes. You should at least be working part time and then handing over some of the responsibility for the house over to your H. It sounds as if he is starting to really take the piss and treat you like a doormat.
If I throw stuff on the floor there is only me to pick it up. Who on earth throws stuff on the floor and expects someone else to pick it up!!!
I am concerned that you will not be paying into the state pension, you have no money or savings of your own and have been out of the workplace for too long. What would happen if he suddenly left you?
I think this is very dangerous territory. Work does give you motivation, self respect, savings, a pension. You need all of these things. Start small and work up.
Work 2 days a week then increase.
You are 100% dependent on a man and that really isn't a good place to be.
I went onto HRT, you can have oestrogen only which has none of the side effects of progesterone, providing you can take oestrogen.
How about some counselling - I got mine on the NHS. A single dose of escitalopram keeps my mental health under control, I have the kind of Complex PTSD that causes hallucinations visual and auditory, but I am still allowed to work as a medical professional in the NHS as long as I have regular psych reviews.
You need to change at various points in your life in order to stay sane and I think by the sounds of it you really do need a change now and the family needs to take that on board, more input from your H and basic chores for the children.
I think it's time to get out there and make a different life for yourself.
Sorry this is longer than I intended.

Sorry but how on Earth is someone a stay at home parent to kids who are out of the house all day?

Labels can be tricky so perhaps the SAHP board was the only safe space she could find x

Definitely this.

Also you need to be doing something that gets you out of the house. Doesn't have to be a job - a hobby, a club, some exercise. Anything that gets you away from this.

Noise cancelling headphones, or ones that cancel noise AND play music. Getting out of the house is always good for headspace, even just going for a walk for fresh air and exercise. This is not a 'get a job' comment but might be worth thinking about how paid work (either at home or out of the house) might change the dynamic. Many mums/sahps can't just jump straight back to something, but you're lucky to have time to consider your options/find something that fits with your health concerns and other responsibilities. Studying is an option. Over time you can talk to DH about how/ where he sees himself working and his domestic contribution. Personally I'd have a chat with DP over marriage and if he doesn't want to commit find out why. Legally it is better for wives/mums to be married as assets built up during the marriage will be divided fairly/ equally. Good luck OP x

I read this differently - I read it as her self confidence has taken a big hit following health issues serious enough she felt she had to give up work outside the home.

The reality is DH and kids have come to rely on her being around, OP has felt to make herself "worthwhile" she has been running round doing everything for others and nothing for herself and they now take her for granted and she still feels a lack of confidence in finding work outside the home.

I say you need to stop running round after the others and start to look at what YOU want. If you want to get out and possibly get back to work of some sort you need to explore what that might look like and if for e.g. there is some volunteering that might help gain skills and confidence to sign up for that, I say start with some small things, so self confidence wise, have a change of hair style, go get some new make up that you like and want to use, an outfit that is smarty than home casual that maybe could be used for an informal interview. Have a think about what work you might like, is it part time, half a day 5 days a week or 2 days a week. Retail, charity, or might you think about a small microbusiness - say virtual assistant type work, organising someones diary and admin, reception or book keeping etc. You clearly worked previously what is your skill base can you build on that?

I completely get where you are coming from regarding having someone on the phone all the time, working from home in the heart of the home is incredibly disruptive - especially when the hours start creeping longer and longer and there is a blindness to the impact on others

Probably because they’re not actually bothered if their house is a tip? However, if it does bother you and you have teenagers and adults in the house there’s no reason whatsoever why everyone can’t do a bit to keep it tidy.

No, it doesn’t make you less of an adult - but equally, staying at home to hoover and clean the loos doesn’t have some special value. Housework is just something adults do.

We all know that running a home takes a lot more than a 'quick tidy'. As it bothers them, they are probably referring to a lot of other tasks that don't get done regularly as a result of everyone in the household being so busy. But I totally agree, it's their choice to live like this.

Depends what you define as 'special'. Every job in society has it's value, and that includes running a home and raising a family - with everything that entails. This looks different for every family. I personally wouldn't devalue that role by trying to reduce it to a couple of tasks that don't sound particularly riveting. Plenty of terribly boring tasks in any paid job.

Pointless to argue about this. I don't think that OP expected or deserved the pile on. This is my last post.

The family is raised - they’re teenagers. Parents who work (the majority) also raise their families and do the housework and pay the bills and take the car for its service and ferry the dog to the vet and all of the other things that are part of living an adult life.

I don’t think there’s been a pile on, but wfh is far from unusual now, whether that’s full time or hybridly - it’s this work that allows the OP to stay at home. It sounds like she’s ready for some changes in her life and this seems the perfect time to make them.

I think this is a far bigger and more nuanced topic than you realise as you probably haven't met many people who have different views on this or have made choices that are different to the ones you and your friends have made. I'm not judging you for this, and I don't blame you for clutching at straws while fighting your corner. Ok teenagers aren't children - fair enough! Therefore there is no point continuing the discussion. We're all adults here so let's move on shall we.

There’s no straw clutching or corner fighting - you can put that thought out of your mind. We simply have different views.

You are free to move on - I’m not holding you here

OP I am in a similar position, I don't work due to a disability or rather I work part time from home however due to my poor health I don't make a huge amount of money and I couldn't do it without my DH's financial support.

We had a perfect set up prior to the pandemic and wfh becoming the norm. He went into the office most days and I took care of all the household stuff, the cooking, cleaning, laundry and so on. The house was always lovely and I'm a good cook so we always had nice meals ready for when he came in and we'd have our evenings together so watch movies, play games or sometimes go out.

Since the pandemic he hates going into the office, he is actually mandated to be in the office half of the time but he uses every excuse not to go in and seems to get away with it from his bosses. He too sets up in the kitchen as its the only space we have that fits his 2 screen set up. He is also on teams meetings all day and while he isn't loud, we have a small house and so I always need to be really quiet so I can't run the hoover or do anything that makes any kind of noise at all while he is working, he's even complained about the shower noise as the waste water pipe runs though the kitchen. He's in the kitchen so I can't get in to do a washing or to prepare meals until he finishes work so that is 9am till 6pm.

So I end up cooking then and trying to prepare the next evenings dinner, doing laundry, cleaning and hoovering in the evening and sometimes I don't get sat down with him until 10pm and at that point we are going to bed soon. The house is small and so needs to be kept in order. Also my kitchen table is all scratched and dented from his equipment.

I end up feeling wired at night and can't sleep then I feel awful the next morning and my chronic health condition is made worse. There is also the issue of him being affected by work stress and tension. When he works in the office he usually comes home in a good mood as he has that separation of work and home but when he is working at home if he is stressed or annoyed at someone at work I feel like that tension seems to carry over on how he treats me and as a result of that an my having to catch up with everything in the evening we have more strain on our relationship.

If he helped me out especially with the things that are harder for me due to my disability then I might be able to sit down and unwind a bit earlier but he feels perhaps rightly that as he has been working all day he deserves to rest. If he does help the stuff is usually done so badly that he needn't have bothered.

Even if he went in the 2 - 3 days a week he is supposed to it would be a big help but he just wants to be home even though he sees how it impacts me and us. I even think the separation he had from his work and home life was actually good for his mental health.

Ideally we'd have a bigger house where he could have a soundproofed office or even a well insulated garden office but neither of those things are an option right now. When he's off work and home with me all day none of these things is an issue and he is much more willing to help out.

We don't have children and so people will be thinking I have no right to complain but its all relative and for me him working from home most days in just awful. I know lots of women will judge women like us for not working or complaining about this situation but we're all entitled to feel how we feel.

Also regarding the noise cancelling headphones, see if you can try a pair first, as I bought some and they make me feel sick when I use the noise cancelling function which is apparently not uncommon.

I also agree with others that a home isn't really an office space, the two are not really compatible if the work people are doing means that other people living in the home feel confined to a room or are unable to even make a cup of tea due to the person working.