partner working from home- I'm miserable!

[bemorelemmy]

Hello,

I've posted here rather than on chat or aibu as I'm sure I'd get my arse handed to me in those topics!
I'm 52, my partner is 54 and we have 2 teenagers in school and 6th form respectively
We do have a good relationship when he finishes work.
I used to work- over a decade ago- I had to give up due to peri-meno/stress. I've since had ovaries removed but it hasn't been a breeze. My partner has never made me feel bad about not working even though we could do with the money I used to earn.
I did buy a house in my 20s- before I met my partner- which massively helped us on to the housing ladder- my partner always rented- so I do feel that at least I contributed there.
But that's the thing- I guess I feel quite defensive about not working and need to point out what I have done!
I think I need to work for my poor mental health but don't feel like I can be reliable as a worker.
Anyway, I've upped my game domestically and do feel a sense of achievement with home-cooked meals, tidy(ish!) house and keeping on top of kids' lives/responsibilities/washing.
So, the rub is that partner works from home- has done since COVID and I absolutely cannot bear it!! It really is making me miserable and I feel utterly trapped in my own home.
First he's incredibly messy- I don't mind all the household chores- that's only fair but he adds unnecessarily eg unthinkingly opening parcels and chucking packaging on the floor.
The other HUGE issue is that I cannot bear being in the areas where I can hear his relentless zoom meetings which means kitchen/laundry room etc- all the things I need to do.
My particular gripe is that I can't stand his work persona much of the time! he's often slagging people off to other colleagues and this really surprised me when I first heard him do it as I thought he was more professional.
We all have gripes from time to time but he's way too much and I find it unedifying from a middle aged man
To be honest It gives me the ick (as young people say) and really bothers me.
He's always taken himself very seriously at work- all his family are like that- and I guess, bit by bit, I've started to realise that maybe he isn't as impressive as he thinks which is fine- he's probably just perceived as being fine but with some quirks and foibles rather than the person holding the company together!!
He does have a sense of humour and is capable of self-deprecation and I really like it when he does it about his work and status but it doesn't happen often!!
His family talk about their jobs a lot, always have, and they do tend to slag off other people/say how useless they are/tell stories wherein they're the hero- so it's obvious where this all comes from.
I don't care two hoots about his status- it's the David Brent-like persona that I don't care for!
What I will say is that he and his family don't actually have massive egos, they are quite insular people who just take themselves super seriously- I think they genuinely believe they are completely crucial in the work place.
Right that's off my chest- looks daft written down but by god it's making me miserable
as I say, the minute he finishes work and we chat, it's ok, a calm descends upon me.
I know I should get out of the house more/work myself but I do resent that I can't get any peace in my own home. Plus, I wouldn't mind the option of working from home myself but obvs wouldnt get peace or tidiness! Not to mention that if I were to go out to work I know the house would be somewhat messy to resturn to.
He does try in that area but I have to keep at him and sometimes he accuses me of nagging but it's the relentlessness of picking up towels, recycling stuff he can't be arsed to do that drives me bananas.
I don't want this to go beyond the point of no return- I don't want to feel put off him but I'm worried we're heading there.
thanks if you've read all this.

She has been “pulling her weight” domestically.

Oh god are you my colleagues wife? When I have to listen to his rants about how shit everyone else is and how the whole place would fail without him and how he's the only thing holding everyone together (the other 2000 and odd employees being entirely unnecessary when he's around) I often wonder what his wife must think and if she believes him

You don't like your husband who is working hard so you don't have to. I bet he has similar thoughts about his lazy wife. Get a job, get out into the world and your problem which isn't a problem won't exist.

And those of us who work full time also manage to pull our weight domestically. It’s a miracle how we manage to work both inside and outside the home and raise our children simultaneously without dropping dead really.

What’s with the snarky comment? 😂
Just because she doesn’t work outside the home, doesn’t mean she isn’t “pulling her weight.” Domestic work is also of value.

I've been mostly a sahm for almost 9 years and regardless of the reason why you became a sahm I think it can do a number on your self esteem. In my case it was postpartum psychosis after the birth of dc1 which completely undermined my sense of self.

In your shoes I think I'd find some sort of voluntary work as a springboard with a view to potentially finding a part time job whilst also pushing your partner and kids to help out around the house.

Because doing domestic work is just something that adults do as a matter of course - unless you want to live in a pigsty.

Yes, but not working outside the home, doesn’t mean she isn’t pulling her weight.

Yes it is - but most of us are capable of combining domestic drudgery with paid employment outside of the home.

A tidyish house when you have two teenagers? Go back to work OP.

Yes it does. Cleaning is just something that adults just do when they’ve got a hour or so here or there while working and raising a family. Pulling your weight means doing all of that.

"working outside the home" isn't a thing. That's just called Working.

Fair enough. But just because someone doesn’t work, doesn’t mean they should be given so much stick, like OP. She obvs stayed home for childcare and homemaking, and has had issues for which she didn’t return to work. Besides, some women choose not to work, and their husbands have no issue.

You need to go back to work.
I'm 43 with two teenage sons and a toddler -
hubby is 48 and suffers with a serious chronic back condition (works ft but with support as necessary due to his disability).
I also work ft and thank God for that! Being a homemaker (not sure if that the correct term these days) was never an option financially, but even if I won the lottery I would not stop working. For so many reasons, but no least because I believe marriage should be about equality and teamwork. It also leaves you in a very vulnerable position not earning your own wage but I'm sure you know that anyway.

The OP is getting stick for complaining about her husband working at home (although posters in the main are agreeing he shouldn’t be making a mess) - but seems to be forgetting that it’s this paid work allows her to stay at home. They could do the housework between them or get a cleaner and that would enable her to do paid (or unpaid) work which would take her out of the home while he works - problem solved.

It doesn't solve the problem of his being a selfish sod who can't even pick up his own rubbish or the problem of him being a fairly unpleasant individual generally. I've never worked with anyone who talked about colleagues in his way without being obnoxious or selfish more generally. He has chosen WFH and dominates the space whilst doing it instead of trying to minimise his impact on others in that space which most considerate adults would do.

Getting out the house would give her temporary relief from what she is seeing an hearing but won't change his nature or make him pull his own weight around the house. We also don't know just how bad her confidence is/the barriers to getting out to work (which I agree, could help) but we do know that if she goes out to work or volunteer she will still be doing the home stuff because he doesn't.

"He tries" is usually code for strategic incompetence, nobody needs to "try" to avoid leaving their litter on the floor for the house slave to pick up.

Out sounds like you would be much happier working

I would try and look for a job

Cleaning and keeping house with older teens/adults isn't a full time job

Much better for everyone, including yourself, if everyone mucks in with the house wifely stuff as well

You put yourself in a no-win position

Get a job, and explain everyone now has to tidy up after themselves

Too much of one thing can end up being a bad thing. You need to go back to work for your mental health. Sounds like you’re frustrated because you don’t have a valid reason to leave the house, your head doesn’t hit the pillow at night knowing you’ve had a productive day. The problem is you think this is something your husband can solve by going back to the office, it isn’t, only you can do something about it, he isn’t responding full time for your mental health, you need things for yourself, you need a life outside the home.

She is. She takes care of all the domestic and family stuff.

I work. My husband works. It sucks.

We can’t afford for one of us not to work, but both our lives would be a whole lot better if we did. I look at the life of my SAHM friend and frankly it’s obvious that her kids, her and her husband all have a really high quality of life precisely because she does not have a paid job and takes care of all the domestic and family stuff.

I suspect OPs husband has never grumbled about her not working exactly because he knows his life is better because she is not working.

Not working for ten years seems excessive due to menopause.
Have you any hobbies? either get a job or fill your day and get him assigned an office space even if it's garden room, he can't monopolise several rooms.

@ancientnames I disagree. I work, my husband works. Yes we have no choice financially but even if we did we are a partnership and both provide financially for our family. We do all of the other stuff together too (housework etc). No way would I ever wish to become financially dependent on any one else. Made that mistake once before - never again!

Why not see the GP and get some advice about how you can work?

You really need to get a job or do volunteering or a hobby at least.

What do you have to talk about sitting at home baking cakes.

I think k you are the problem here b

Is work the default position now? Is it expected that everybody 'has' to work?
Why?

Agree with this.

I wfh permanently - not by choice - but it comes in handy for chores done at lunchtime and school drop offs and pick ups.

I am always at home though and would be gutted if DH resented it.

It seems to me that your home has become his office, and not your home anymore.

Has it been a decision by his company that he has to work from home permanently, or has it been more of a convenience for him?

Without getting involved with the company policy, would it be an idea to at least talk about boundaries, maybe he starts to work from the office once or twice a week?

would he be flexible?