Am I a lazy, useless stay at home mother?

[Jackie7527]

Hi everyone,
So my children's father accused me of being useless because I dont have a career and I am a stay at home parent. I'm currently looking after my children (I have 3 kids all under 3 years old) and after my first child was born, I had to quit my full time job to look after her. I do work part time though, in a pub.
He said that I'm obviously not that clever since after I have done my masters degree (in business) a undergraduate degree (in humanities) I have not found a career.
Is he right? Am I wasting my life?

Not wasting your life!

You could outsource parenting your children and make more money and have a potentially swankier life but this time with your munchkins can never be replaced.
Do you feel like you want to do more?
If you do the go for it but don’t let his view of motherhood being worthless taint your own judgement.

He is a bellend. That's the top and bottom of it. He must be insecure or jealous of you to have even said that in the first place. There's something wrong with him, not you.

Erm tell him to fuck off

3 kids under 3 is already a lot of work you are doing with them, money is not everything in life. Imagine paying for babysitter for your kids and going to work, you would work just to pay babysitter. Mothers that stay at home to take care of their family are never useless, you are a wonderful woman.

Are you in a relationship with him?
Why on earth would he say those things? Tell him to fuck off.

Why are you with the him if he thinks so little of you?!

That's the kind of thing an abusive man would say.

www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

I suggest you have a read of those links. Maybe get this thread moved to relationships where you should get lots of support and advice.

He sounds unpleasant. If you are not married then you are potentially limiting your financial position by not working though. As he clearly doesn’t like you that much I’d be getting myself established with a career.

I wouldn’t say you’re a SAHP if you work in a pub. Jobs don’t only count if they’re ‘prestigious’, lots of livelihoods are supported by the hospitality industry.

I'm not in a relationship with him.
I do want to work full time but I would like to do this when my youngest goes nursery (at 3 years old). I'm currently breastfeeding at the moment anyway and I have no desire to quit any time soon.
He doesnt have any degree qualifications but I do so his point was 'where is your fantastic graduate job?' (In a sarcastic manner)
I tried to explain that I'm at home taking care of his kids but that just fell deaf in his ears.
I think he is just really annoyed with me because he is paying quite a lot in child maintenance since I'm only getting maternity pay at the moment but his comments are making me feel so insecure.
I did try to explain this to my family but their arguments was that it was 'my fault' that I had kids young and I should have focused on getting a career instead (I am 25 now)

I would be telling him exactly how much he'd be paying for 3 DC's in full time childcare if you went back to work full time.

You are looking after 3 under 3. I. No one in those circumstances is lazy. It's just not physically possible. That is a hugely demanding role.

Not saying they are right but you need to make a decision. Get a full time career job and have the dc in childcare or stay where you are. Either way do what you want OP, not want others expect of you. Best of luck

Being a SAHM is much more demanding and taxing than any job I've done, in my experience.

There's nothing 'lazy' about it at all.

I haven't been to work since the end of November as my sector closed under lockdown but I'm back on the 17th of this month and cannot bloody wait.

Being at home with small children is hard. He doesn't have a clue.

I had 3 under 2 it’s harder work!

The child care costs on average £250 per child per week, or £39,000 a year

Tel him you have found a new exciting job and his share of childcare is £20,000 a year.

Does he even pay that now?

I think he is just really annoyed with me because he is paying quite a lot in child maintenance since I'm only getting maternity pay at the moment but his comments are making me feel so insecure.

Owh I feel sorry for him, boo-hoo 😭

You have an MA and three children and you're 25?

You must have superhuman levels of energy.

Your third child must be very young still.

How often does he have the children?

I'm a SAHM for a one year old with baby no.2 on the way and my god it's hard work. Have you asked him if he's gonna pay for childcare then so you can work? Cause I could guarantee he'll probably say no. He's an arse! Keep being an amazing mum! 💖

It sounds a bit like both you and your ex have a disconnect between choices and consequences. Of course your career wasn’t going to advance anytime soon if you had three kids in three years in your early twenties, and of course your family will see that as your ‘fault’/choice. Of course he’s going to be spending all his money on child expenses when he had three kids in three years.

Is it a private agreement for maintenance? The rate he owes as legal minimum isn’t related to you being on maternity leave. It’s his contribution to their costs and would be the same if you were on benefits or a millionaire.

What he’s said is horrible. Why did he say it?

He is totally obnoxious and / or abusive - tell him to get stuffed. Looking after 3 children under 3 is a full time job - and you are also working outside the home too! And I say this from the perspective of being a graduate but via a totally different parenthood journey (one child in my 40s and straight back to work with lots of childcare ). Different mothers have different journeys and there isn’t one right way. And if you decide to do as you plan and do a different type of job once kids are in nursery / at school you would still be under 30. Which is when many European graduates start work without having had kids... . Pragmatically the graduate economy isn’t great at the moment - so your timing could work well. Good luck with your choices which all seem fine (apart from your DP!)

Why three children under three at the age of 25. That would be difficult for most people.

Ah, i assumed you were in a relationship with him.
My advice is to stay on topic when communicating with him, practical discussions relating to the children only.
He has no right to comment on your choices (insofar as they don't have a negative impact on the children) and ditto the other way around.

As an aside, it's unusual to have a masters degree and 3 children by the age of 25. You have plenty of time to establish a career.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Is it a private agreement for maintenance? The rate he owes as legal minimum isn’t related to you being on maternity leave. It’s his contribution to their costs and would be the same if you were on benefits or a millionaire.

What he’s said is horrible. Why did he say it?

This, how much you earn bears no relation to how much he pays - tell him to jog on.

I wouldn’t respond to any of his jibes. He wants to wind you up so don’t give him the satisfaction. When he says stuff like that just change the subject or put the phone down if it’s a call. I think you need to try very hard to stop giving a shit what he thinks/says, his opinion no longer matters. Focus on yourself and your children and don’t give him anymore power.