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SAHP
Am I a lazy, useless stay at home mother?
Jackie7527 · 02/04/2021 09:34
Hi everyone,
So my children's father accused me of being useless because I dont have a career and I am a stay at home parent. I'm currently looking after my children (I have 3 kids all under 3 years old) and after my first child was born, I had to quit my full time job to look after her. I do work part time though, in a pub.
He said that I'm obviously not that clever since after I have done my masters degree (in business) a undergraduate degree (in humanities) I have not found a career.
Is he right? Am I wasting my life?
DarkMatterA2Z · 02/04/2021 10:27
I think he is just really annoyed with me because he is paying quite a lot in child maintenance since I'm only getting maternity pay at the moment
Ask him to pay for childcare for all three so you can get back to work full-time and he'll soon change his tune. There is no way you would make enough money to cover the childcare costs.
Howshouldibehave · 02/04/2021 10:28
Christ-I feel sorry for you having three kids under three with such a twat! Surely he hasn’t suddenly revealed himself to be like this though? When did you first realise?
So, you did your degree 18-21, did a masters 21-22, worked full time (22-?) and then have had 3 children and you’re 25-that timeline is crazy-barely believable. Doesn’t fit the description of someone lazy though.
Does it matter what he thinks-you’re not together?
Jackie7527 · 02/04/2021 10:37
Thankyou for your replies,
He lashed out because I said he needed anger management classes because he doesnt know how to discipline our eldest child in a calm manner.
I suppose it doesnt but I do feel like my graduate friends also judge me for having my children early instead of focusing on a career
Howshouldibehave · 02/04/2021 10:49
@Jackie7527
He lashed out because I said he needed anger management classes because he doesnt know how to discipline our eldest child in a calm manner.
I suppose it doesnt but I do feel like my graduate friends also judge me for having my children early instead of focusing on a career
But does it matter?
You’ve made the choice to have three children extremely close together at a fairly young age. Your ex-who is clearly a twat, says you’re lazy, but I’m presuming you don’t give a shit what he thinks as you’re not with him any more?
You think that some of your graduate friends judge you? Maybe they do-maybe some think you’re mad for having kids close together, maybe some think they wouldn’t have done it so young, maybe some would rather wait till their career is sorted or they are a home owner. They can think what they like-presumably you are happy with your decision or you wouldn’t have done it three times? Unless they’re being horrible to you about it, does it matter?
Don’t live your life thinking about what other people think about your choices. If you’re happy with them, own them.
Herbie0987 · 02/04/2021 10:58
He is an idiot along with anyone who agrees with him.
The fact you had 3 children very close in age in nobody’s business except yours.
Being a stay at home parent, in my opinion, is a very important job. You are giving the best start for your children by giving them your time.
This is the time to establish good routines, manners and have fun with them, I remember having a dolls tea party with my daughter, making the cakes together and sitting on the floor.
CaesarsDream · 02/04/2021 11:06
He's got you exactly where he wants you.
Please call Women's Aid, safely. This is abuse. 
www.womensaid.org.uk
LoisWilkersonslastnerve · 02/04/2021 11:21
Judgement from him and some people on this thread. If people think the op isn't genuine, report. No need for the sarcasm. I think studying and having children in your 20s is an achievement too. The op will have her freedom back at a fairly young age and could go on to have a fantastic career.
Jackie7527 · 02/04/2021 11:46
Why do people think I'm not genuine?
I know my situation is unusual. But my first pregnancy was a happy surprise and we were both privatley renting a one bed flat at the time I had my eldest child. We were both working full time. I know some people here think my descion to keep my child wasnt good as I'm not a home owner or had a career but I do think I can still provide a decent and stable home for my kids
Howshouldibehave · 02/04/2021 11:49
@Jackie7527
I know my situation is unusual. But my first pregnancy was a happy surprise and we were both privatley renting a one bed flat at the time I had my eldest child. We were both working full time. I know some people here think my descion to keep my child wasnt good as I'm not a home owner or had a career but I do think I can still provide a decent and stable home for my kids
It really is irrelevant what people think-don’t let it bother you. Your ex is an ex-you don’t have to worry about what he says, thankfully.
What is it that’s really bothering you? Is it that you think your grad friends are judging you? Do you know this? Are they being nasty? If they are, they aren’t very good friends. If they aren’t being horrible but you think they are judging you (based on...?), does it matter much?
It’s your life-enjoy it. Enjoy your kids.
UserTwice · 02/04/2021 12:53
Looking after 3 young children on your own is very hard work and you are clearly not lazy. However, unless they were triplets, it was your choice to do this, and you must have realised that the knock on impact would be that it would be hard to establish a career.
I admit, that when I see women with great qualifications, who've done nothing really with them because they have to spend all their time looking after children - I do feel sad. Sad about the loss of potential. Sad that men don't step up.
However, you are still very young, and it will be more than possible to establish a career once your DC are a bit older (I know several people who've done this) and you sound pretty determined, so I'm sure you will!
MiddleParking · 02/04/2021 13:06
Well yes, that’s your first pregnancy - were you still surprised by how babies are made when you conceived your third? The point that people are making is that you’ve chosen options which you would have known would preclude or delay you from other choices - you can’t stop other people thinking what they will about that. But your ex can’t be surprised that it’s costing him either.
UserTwice · 02/04/2021 13:18
@CaesarsDream
Please call Women's Aid, safely. This is abuse.
www.womensaid.org.uk
Ok, so I know it's "fashionable" on MN to shout "abuse" at the drop of a hat, but I am really struggling to understand why OP's ex offering an opinion that she should have done more with her qualifications is in any way shape or form abuse? And what exactly Women's Aid could do (other than advise her not to talk to him about anything other than things specifically related to the children, perhaps)?
AnotherEmma · 02/04/2021 13:23
Calling someone "lazy" and "useless" is verbal abuse. It could be one example of a pattern of emotional abuse.
Luckily, OP is no longer in a relationship with him, but unfortunately he can still be abusive in his interactions with her - and, worse, with the children.
StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 02/04/2021 13:31
Assuming you went straight through school, uni and MA and have had 3 dc in quick succession. You havent done much with your qualifications yet but youve got another 45 years before you retire so plenty of time. I know right now you havent got much to show for it but give it 10-15 years and you wont see much of a difference between you and your peers.
VimFuego101 · 02/04/2021 13:34
You haven't wasted your degree, and you aren't lazy, but you are in a very precarious position if he decides to cut off your child support. Is he paying more than the CSA minimum? If so, there's not much you can do to enforce him paying that amount. What's your housing situation?
CaesarsDream · 02/04/2021 14:07
@UserTwice
Doesn't matter if it's coming from a former partner. He's purposely humiliating the OP by calling her lazy and useless. How is that not abusive?
And how is it that getting support and advice for abuse, calling out abuse, should be labelled 'fashionable'?
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