Is being a SAHP really mind numbing?!

[grey12]

I was reading another thread here in MN that said this. It caught my eye and definitely it's not the first time I heard it. It seems to be a common thing to say.

I am a SAHM and mind numbing is the last adjective I would use to describe it!! Am I the only one?!

I am exhausted! Tired! Annoyed at times! I have no time for myself, I poop with the door open! I have little chance to pursue hobbies or go to the gym. But mind numb?! No. My toddlers keep on my toes. They change interests and development every few months. They are loving and easy to make laugh. They have the ability to make ME laugh which isn't super easy...

Most jobs became very routine. You have do the same boring tasks and deal with the same people every day.

What I mean is, there are downsides to SAHP but why pick this one?!

I also found that at dinner parties / social events I didn't have as much to say, not as many opinions as before

My mum says this was an issue for her - she went back to work when her youngest was 8, and felt like she re-entered society. She said it's hard to find things in common with working people when your day consists of childcare, cleaning and cooking Etc.

I think plenty of folk enjoy being a SAHP, and good for them, but I do think it's odd to carry on like that once the DC are relatively independent. That's less a SAHP and more a "housewife" or someone who just doesn't work. A valid choice, but not the same as a SAHP.

@BertieBotts

I completely agree about being needed all the time - but does this not still happen even if you go out to work? I assume they don't just magically stop needing you? Maybe they are more independent if they go to nursery? Or is it just about having some part of your day where that doesn't happen constantly?

I think/hope for me that it will be the latter. Partly because of lockdown, I've been with DS pretty much 24/7 for months now - as I'm sure many people have. The idea of not having to constantly listen/watch out for him about to strangle himself/face plant into something/eat something he's found in the floor/stuck his fingers into an empty socket and to let someone else do that for 7 hours a day sounds like absolute bliss!

I also found that at dinner parties / social events I didn't have as much to say, not as many opinions as before

But why? The only difference between a sahm and a wohm is that one is at work - and they're surely not going to revolve the dinner party conversation around their work.
Perhaps the key is that the sahm needs to be able to still get out and about. A couple of play groups to have intellectually stimulating conversations with the other parents, some cultural or sporting interests to pursue when the partner is home or a babysitter can be got, some online hobby groups or activities, or educational studies in the evenings once the kids sleep. No time to be bored then. And plenty of opportunities to pick up conversation material.

I've never been a SAHP but had year mat leave and now work in a job that gives me all the school hols off, and yes, I did find it mind numbing and went back to work after mat leave, if not at a gallop, then at least at a light trot.

I find it hard to explain - I love being at home with DC, and I enjoy working, and both DH and I worked part time till they were at high school, so I feel we had the best of both worlds. We are all different - the neediness of kids versus the enjoyable stimulus of adult interaction where no one wants you to play a game involving a tiny ice cream van for three hours in a row...

Ah, knock yourselves out either way. You love it, it froze my brain, does it matter? We both love our kids

For me it's mindnumbing because it's repetitive, it feels like a constant cycle of making food, filling the dishwasher, tidying up, walk to the park, make more food, battle to get to sleep, entertaining, disciplining. It just isn't mentally stimulating. Mentally exhausting being needed emotionally and physically throughout the day. I really struggle to motivate myself at home, and then it becomes a cycle of feeling down, not doing it very well, feeling guilty, feeling more down. Whereas my job has a lot of variety, problem solving, adult communication, it keeps me stimulated (most of the time) and that in itself energises me at home as being home is a reward, it's a break, and I think that in itself makes me a better mum.

So for me it's mind numbing, but totally understand it isn't for everyone, I don't say it in the context of everyone as that's insulting, I don't have the emotional patience and I just don't find it very rewarding so it's not in itself motivating for me.

Perhaps the key is that the sahm needs to be able to still get out and about. A couple of play groups to have intellectually stimulating conversations with the other parents

Maybe this is just a reflection of where we lived but one of the things I found hardest about mat leave was that no one ever, ever talked about anything other than the children or - at a push - their partners at baby and toddler classes/groups/activities. I once tried to talk about politics and people looked at me like I'd shat on the floor. I really craved adult conversation but the only place I got it was pre-baby friends.

@BertieBotts

I completely agree about being needed all the time - but does this not still happen even if you go out to work? I assume they don't just magically stop needing you? Maybe they are more independent if they go to nursery? Or is it just about having some part of your day where that doesn't happen constantly?

It's just about having a part of your day where you're not the one dealing with those needs. I personally find - and this is definitely a 'we're all different' thing - that I actively love and enjoy childcare as long as it's not my sole activity. I really love doing bedtime normally - pre-lockdown DH and I would fight over who got to do it, during lockdown we've been fighting over who doesn't have to... For me childcare is about 20 times more enjoyably if it isn't what you do 100% of the day.

I don't find being a SAHP mind numbing in the slightest and I agree it has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence , that would just be insulting assumption.

I love it, spending all day with him, for me it's time I will never get back so I made that choice. I feel very lucky we live where I had that choice wether to go back or not.

I chose to be a SAHP as I didn't want to drop my child off at 08.30 and pick the up at 16.30 and be dashing around to get everything done and I personally would have felt like I was missing out on the majority of their day throughout the week, and just always being rushed (as would have been my case) and in return for that choice I had taken time out of my profession with the hope of returning when he starts schools, the risk I took was at what level. That's the trade off. You normally can't do both and you don't have to, that's ok, both are viable options, you just choose which one is best for you and your family.

I personally can't understand this "not having anything to talk about, or any adult conversation" view as I never used to really talk about work anyway when we socialised. As no one knew who I was talking about and my job was really interesting to me and I loved it, but my friends don't, so we would do a 15 min rundown each if something major happened or funny.

As a SAHM you can absolutely keep up to speed with whatever you like, read the current research in the subjects you are interested in, do night time uni or distance learning, courses that keep you relevant in your profession. They are not any less of a contributor in their relationships.

I also understand women who want to get back to work, they have worked hard to earn the position in their firm, or they just simply prefer working out of the home. They are not any less of a parent.

Everyone is different and that's a great thing, people should just do what makes them happy and screw any judgy people or those who are offended by your experience, they are normally the ones who are quite unhappy with their choices in their lives, so be kind to them.

@BertieBotts

I completely agree about being needed all the time - but does this not still happen even if you go out to work? I assume they don't just magically stop needing you? Maybe they are more independent if they go to nursery? Or is it just about having some part of your day where that doesn't happen constantly?

I have to admit I can have hard days if the people I manage have been high maintenance that day or if they've needed to ask me loads of questions then I get home and get pummelled with questions, because it does feel much the same. But MOST of the time adults are less demanding and although I have hard days it's not most days, whereas a day at home does feel more constant than my normal day at work. And I've always been blessed with very hands off managers so don't usually feel too much in demand from that aspect.

I guess it depends what you mean by ‘mind-numbing’. And what you want from life. I love my children but I also love my job where I get to converse with adults and discuss interesting intellectual things that a 4 year old just can’t. Being busy doesn’t mean you are stimulated.

It’s not for me I did it for 13months and I was dying to get back to work. I love being a mum but I think it’s important to have another outlet too. I honestly wonder how SAHMs do it I think you need to have a certain type of mum to do it.

I’m the opposite OP, it’s always what I thought I’d do, my image of parenting, but it’s not me. It was a hard fall for me to find out about the parent I actually was rather than what I imagined. I’m just a better mum when I get some space from them, some time express a different side of myself. I Do get bored hanging out with them sometimes, and yy to the repetitive chores being painfully dull. Once I could admit this to myself and what I needed, we were all happier.

With ds1, I went back to work pretty much full time. I hated it, felt so sad and was aware of how much I was missing out. I found it so tiring to go between work and home. I'm now a sahp and love it. I feel so fortunate

@Immigrantsong

OP what does it matter what some may think of being a SAHP? You enjoy it and that should be enough. Don't ever get about what others think and do what you enjoy and is right for your family. And that comes from a woman that has always worked. That's the point of the sisterhood, I will always back up what my fellow women want to do no matter what.

Oh dear!! If you only knew how much I don't care what others think! The endless complaining from my own mum.... It was my plan to continue working but that didn't happen and I'm happy about it.

This post was a comment. Like I said, plenty of downsides of SAHP, PP talked about, for example, taking care of everyone else by oneself. Yeah, that is a big one! But I see other kinds of tasks as mind numbing. I hate ironing! Waste of life!

[quote grey12]@Immigrantsong

OP what does it matter what some may think of being a SAHP? You enjoy it and that should be enough. Don't ever get about what others think and do what you enjoy and is right for your family. And that comes from a woman that has always worked. That's the point of the sisterhood, I will always back up what my fellow women want to do no matter what.

Oh dear!! If you only knew how much I don't care what others think! The endless complaining from my own mum.... It was my plan to continue working but that didn't happen and I'm happy about it.

This post was a comment. Like I said, plenty of downsides of SAHP, PP talked about, for example, taking care of everyone else by oneself. Yeah, that is a big one! But I see other kinds of tasks as mind numbing. I hate ironing! Waste of life![/quote]
OP I am baffled by the almost negative tone to my comment. Did you not realise I was trying to br supportive?

You haven't chosen to comment a lot on your own post, but did choose to come and pick my comment when I offered solidarity.

That should teach me trying to be nice in aibu. I am lost for words.

I loved being a SAHM. I was lucky enough to have the choice as to whether I worked or not, so DH and I agreed that I'd stay at home with the DC because both of us felt it was better for them to be at home with one of us in their early years rather than in childcare. I had a close circle of friends who were doing the same thing, so didn't lack interaction with other adults.

I never had time to get bored, in fact I found it a welcome respite from an exhausting long commute and a very stressful job with long hours. I ended up taking voluntary redundancy and having another baby. By the time that last baby had started school I was all coffee-morninged and playgrouped-out, but I'd been at home for nine years by then and was desperate to go back to work. So I did, part time at first then full time when the youngest started secondary school. No regrets at all, I look back very fondly at my time at home and I've been able to build up a career again in a different field.

I was sahm for 18 months, loved every minute watching DD grow and develop,wouldn't have missed it for the world. Never found it boring. I got made redundant just as l was due to return to work so made the most if it but when she got 18 months l worried if l was out of work for too long, l might struggle to find a job so got a local shop job for two days a week. My main issue would be at some point the kids don't need you there all day and it may be harder to get a job further down the line but that's just me, absolutely no judgement for anyone who is a sahm, there are many advantages.

@Immigrantsong I though the same. You were being nice and the OP’s reply is really snarky

Maybe it depends on your job?

I had a job in an office where no one spoke apart from small talk, the work was sporadic and there were many periods where I had nothing to do. Most of the actual work was routine and did not really require much thought. On paper my job and title looked interesting and 'go-getting' but in reality it really wasn't.

Staying at home with my young children has been the opposite, like a release from boredom!

[quote Rainycloudyday]@Immigrantsong I though the same. You were being nice and the OP’s reply is really snarky [/quote]
Thank you. I guess she must have been triggered by something and projected her own insecurities on what she perceived I did her wrong on rather than seeing the support and solidarity I tried to offer.

@a12345b

Never had time to sit and watch a child walking two pieces of plastic together. Whilst they're busy with that I could still read, learn new things(cooking baking for example), watch the news, get on with housework, get ready to go to the library, park, museum, city centre,meet friends....

I do all of that stuff, I can't enjoy the experience of going to the places myself as I'm chasing 2 toddlers around who want to do different things. Can't even talk to friends as most women will only discuss their children (so don't care what a random toddler has eaten that morning), or if my friends are there then we are all chasing our toddlers in different directions, occasionally calling out bits of conversation as we go past each other. It's total carnage!

I can't go and do something else while they play at home either as they literally get up, take my hand and bring me back to where they were playing and tell me to sit back down. If I don't (like when I'm making them food) they wail while clinging to my legs and pulling my trousers down.

The most break I get is looking at my phone occasionally while they watch television and even then I have to applaud them doing impressions of an ankylosaurus! The loo isn't a break either, they immediately bring books to me as I'm now clearly available to read!

It must really depend on what job you did prior to having a baby.

I would start teaching them that they can play without you watching them. Start by getting up every few minutes and going out of the room for a short while, increasing that time. Same for screen time, i have never sat to watch them watching,unless its a family movie . It is not healthy for u or them to be unable to get a second of alone time.
Ditto for the toilet, lock the door. Or firmly say"I'm in the toilet, I am not to be disturbed".
I agree about conversation with friends that also have toddlers is tricky. Thanks God for WhatsApp.
U can read something instead then SM when they re having screen time or are in bed. You can take them to the playground and sit on a bench rather then follow them step by step, if they are older and can climb on a slide and similar.

I would start teaching them that they can play without you watching them. Start by getting up every few minutes and going out of the room for a short while, increasing that time. Same for screen time, i have never sat to watch them watching,unless its a family movie . It is not healthy for u or them to be unable to get a second of alone time.

...that's all very well and good if they're 3 or 4, my 8m DD would get herself into so, so much trouble if i left her unsupervised even for 3 minutes. She's happy to play by herself, i don't need to be involved, but i do need to be watching like a hawk.

A play pen is very useful to keep them out of mischief.