Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

Original poster

Is being a SAHP really mind numbing?!

137 replies

grey12 · 11/07/2020 14:33

I was reading another thread here in MN that said this. It caught my eye and definitely it's not the first time I heard it. It seems to be a common thing to say.

I am a SAHM and mind numbing is the last adjective I would use to describe it!! Am I the only one?!

I am exhausted! Tired! Annoyed at times! I have no time for myself, I poop with the door open! I have little chance to pursue hobbies or go to the gym. But mind numb?! No. My toddlers keep on my toes. They change interests and development every few months. They are loving and easy to make laugh. They have the ability to make ME laugh which isn't super easy...

Most jobs became very routine. You have do the same boring tasks and deal with the same people every day.

What I mean is, there are downsides to SAHP but why pick this one?!

OP posts:
BabyLlamaZen · 11/07/2020 20:16

I've seen different people this. I think it depends how much you enjoy playing and doing things with your child. I'd miss intellectual conversations with adults (and I'm not just saying that to sound wankey, I admire SAHPs). Maybe it's more interesting when they're older?

BabyLlamaZen · 11/07/2020 20:17

*mine is 8months

tigger001 · 11/07/2020 20:18

i think it depends how you define mind numbing. Do you genuinely never yearn for adult conversation? Or to think about something more interesting than Baa Baa Black Sheep? As i said, it's not that it's boring, just that it isn't stimulating.

I still have adult conversation, I still stay up to date with my interests and what is happening in my industry so I can still hold the same conversations.

I don't have to be in a work environment to be intellectually stimulated, there are lots of ways to stay stimulated without it being a work situation.

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 11/07/2020 20:22

I found it mind numbing. I was a sahp till youngest dc went to school. I found my topics of conversation even bored me because the only thing I had to converse about was my children and what we had done, people just aren't that interested. Also dh works away often and because I don't have a car or much money it limited what I could do, I could go days without speaking to another adult.
I couldn't wait to get back into work - what do I do? I'm an early years educator, I work in preschool😂 so it's not the children or doing child friendly activities, it's the lack of 'self' I struggled with. I now have lots of paperwork to keep me busy, always courses to study for and I get to speak to actual grown ups at work.
Being a sahp works for lots of people, not me, horses for courses!

BabyLlamaZen · 11/07/2020 20:22

I dont think the op was being judgemental? If anyone else got told their job was mind-numbing they would take offense. She was just trying to show how positive it can be. Sahp get a lot of shit tbh.

EssentialHummus · 11/07/2020 20:45

Facilitating everyone else's life but not mine

This for me too. Also lack of adult conversation and being tied to a fairly limited routine (yes there are people who take their toddlers to climb Snowdonia or go shopping in Paris but that is the exception - for most people it's a heady mix of Peppa, snacks, walks in the park and playgroups). TBH if more friends were SAHP I'd happily continue. As it is most people work Mon-Thurs - not fun (for me, anyway) when it's 11am on a rainy Tuesday and there isn't a sniff of other company for several days to come.

I love my daughter dearly - she's incredibly smart, articulate, curious and I really do give her my all - but I need a break.

bloodywhitecat · 11/07/2020 20:57

I loved being home when my children were small. I went back to work when they were school aged but have recently given up work to foster. I now have a 12 week old and an eight month old and recently moved a 3 year old on to her forever family, there is no time to be bored. The youngest baby has a brain injury so has a lot of appointments and needs a lot of input to help them reach their full potential. The eight month old was drug withdrawing and is now a delightful, happy, into everything crawling, trying hard to walk bundle of energy that I need eyes in the back of my head for. I have always worked with children with complex needs or children with complex health problems and I love being at home again with children and giving them the chance grow and flourish.

Somethingorotherorother · 11/07/2020 20:59

@tigger001 mind numbing, I mean how does that even happen with a child

It was that bit ^ that I found judgemental, especially after a thread where lots of people agreed that they find it mindnumbing.

BiscuitLover3679 · 11/07/2020 21:11

@bloodywhitecat that's amazing. Heartbreaking though I bet!

tigger001 · 11/07/2020 21:17

@tigger001 mind numbing, I mean how does that even happen with a child

It was that bit that I found judgemental, especially after a thread where lots of people agreed that they find it mindnumbing

I then state in the next sentence I understand everyone is different. That is just my experience which is what we are all drawing on.

And you genuinely found that more judging than on a thread mentioning SAHP, your comment of @Somethingorotherorother
I think maybe if you don't enjoy work, or don't need much intellectual stimulus, it's not so bad"

Come on @Somethingorotherorother you can't be serious. I didn't feel judged by your comment, as it doesn't include me and is just your assumption, nor do I feel the need to be rude. Again everyone is different.

a12345b · 11/07/2020 21:20

Like all the boasting" Oh, I'm sooo clever, I couldn't possibly engage my brain being a SAHM " LOL. How can it be mind numbing to see a child develop into an individual. And what's so hard at at arranging ways to feed your "amazing" Intellect. There are so many options, cinema, meet friends, museums.

tigger001 · 11/07/2020 21:21

@bloodywhitecat what a lovely story, that must be so rewarding and heartbreaking.
I can imagine you are changing and saving their lives,

BiscuitLover3679 · 11/07/2020 21:22

I feel like back in the day, working mums got stick. Now SAHP are treated appallingly.

doadeer · 11/07/2020 21:24

It's not for me. Even when I was on mat leave I started a side business and work for my family one. Now I work two days on top of that. I wouldnt want to be full time but I need something outside of my beautiful son, family and home life... A space to be creative mentally and tax my brain. I loathe doing housework. But I love the time with my little not.

doadeer · 11/07/2020 21:25

Little boy *

mynameiscalypso · 11/07/2020 21:30

@a12345b

Like all the boasting" Oh, I'm sooo clever, I couldn't possibly engage my brain being a SAHM " LOL. How can it be mind numbing to see a child develop into an individual. And what's so hard at at arranging ways to feed your "amazing" Intellect. There are so many options, cinema, meet friends, museums.
But I can see my child develop into an individual at the same time as working? It's not solely the preserve of a SAHP. And amongst all that development, is an awful lot of watching a small child repeatedly whack one piece of plastic with another piece of plastic.
a12345b · 11/07/2020 21:36

Never had time to sit and watch a child walking two pieces of plastic together. Whilst they're busy with that I could still read, learn new things(cooking baking for example), watch the news, get on with housework, get ready to go to the library, park, museum, city centre,meet friends....

BertieBotts · 11/07/2020 21:37

I don't find it mind numbing as such, but I burn out, and that burnout is what I find mind numbing.

It's weird because I didn't realise with DC1 that's what was happening. I think because I had no support and it didn't really occur to me that I could find a job (my own mum was a SAHM, I also didn't have a career or anything) so I just had no choice but to keep going. With DC2 (massive gap, different father so plenty of hindsight) I can feel myself getting closer to it and am actually recognising what it means and so making effort to take time for myself, let DH take on more, try to separate my "parenting role" from my relaxing time and ultimately go out to work because I am no good at that separation. Everything bleeds into one and I end up with no energy to make the most of being at home.

You can absolutely get all sorts from being a SAHM and it can be as interesting or as boring as you make it, but what a lot of people have realised and put into words around lockdown is interesting - the idea that having no separation between home and work is exhausting, and I think this is so, so key for the SAHM burnout issue. Somebody said (of lockdown) "It's not working from home, it's trying to live at work". I think that is what takes a special kind of skill and why people say things like "I don't engage my brain being a SAHM". That's probably not what they actually mean because there are plenty of ways that being full time with children can engage your brain, but if that kind of mental work and your home life are all bleeding into one and doubly so if you have children who need you a lot at night etc you end up without the energy to do any of it well.

2155User · 11/07/2020 21:38

Well what a horribly judgemental thread this has turned into...

museumum · 11/07/2020 21:39

My focus and concentration really suffered when caring for young children. Because they needed me all the time and it was always immediate and never the same for even five minutes. I was interrupted every 30 seconds and after a year I could no longer enjoy reading or tasks I’d normally lose myself in.

mynameiscalypso · 11/07/2020 21:45

@museumum

My focus and concentration really suffered when caring for young children. Because they needed me all the time and it was always immediate and never the same for even five minutes. I was interrupted every 30 seconds and after a year I could no longer enjoy reading or tasks I’d normally lose myself in.
This is such a good point - I never switch off. Even when DS is asleep, I'm always listening out for noises from him or a sign he's waking up. When he's awake, there are only mere seconds between him playing nicely by himself and pulling over a large piece of furniture. It makes it so hard to really focus on anything else. I think that's another reason why it's so hard (and it often makes you feel like you're slowly losing your mind)
BeeBeep · 11/07/2020 21:47

Whether you find it mind numbing or not doesn't have anything to do with intelligence, it's just personal preference amongst other factors. Personally I didn't enjoy it, when DS turned 2 I went back to work and for me it was the right thing. Similarly though I can see how if you do enjoy it that being in a position to take a few years off is amazing and you enjoy it (amongst the bad bits, as everything has).

saraclara · 11/07/2020 21:52

@2155User

Well what a horribly judgemental thread this has turned into...
Really? I've only seen a couple of judgemental posts. In general it's been one of the less judgy threads on MN, which is surprising given the topic. Pretty much everyone has said how they felt, but totally understood that other people feel differently and that's okay.
BertieBotts · 11/07/2020 21:55

I completely agree about being needed all the time - but does this not still happen even if you go out to work? I assume they don't just magically stop needing you? Maybe they are more independent if they go to nursery? Or is it just about having some part of your day where that doesn't happen constantly?

peajotter · 11/07/2020 21:57

OP, I would have agreed with your observation five or ten years ago. I didn’t find being a sahm mind numbing- it was interesting, varied and gave me enough flexibility to do other things like volunteer, try new things and meet new people. More so than many jobs.

I’m now 10 years in and on dc3. I’m bored. It’s mind numbing. Toddlers are no longer fascinating to me. They are constant and don’t give you time to think or read a paper. Like many jobs, the repetition gets to you after a while. I’ve noticed the same with friends who’re in similar situations (many years caring for young kids).

I’ve always prided myself in being able to find interest and satisfaction from any situation, but Ive hit a wall and can see the other side now. No-one should assume being a sahm is mind-numbing, but equally I’m no longer confused about why some people think it is.