Becoming at SAHP

[Tiredandtorn]

I’m sorry if this has been asked a thousand times before...

I’m in the position that I could give up my job and be at home for my kids full time. They’re not babies anymore, the eldest is at school and the youngest starts in September. I’ve had to work since they were babies, pretty much full time but now I have the option not to thanks to DH doing well at work and being able to cover us financially.

In principle, I want to do it and love the idea of being there after school every day. I’m already around during all school holidays as I work in education. I feel like I’ve already missed a lot of their growning up too by having to work until more recently.

I’ve never been financially dependent on dh, and although he won’t mind and wouldn’t question my spending (within reason!) I’m really struggling with this aspect of it.

Also, I hear a lot of SAHP talk about loneliness and boredom? Is this the case? With them both at school would I lose my mind at home on my own?

I’m used to a very busy job and non-stop days. The idea of a break from the constant drop-off, go to work, rush to pick up, rush dinner, rush reading etc etc sound like bliss. But does the honeymoon period wear off?

Would it be wise to give up work at this late stage? I’m so confused... and feeling guilty for the time I’ve already missed and will never get back...

All advice and experience welcome x tia

No experience of this.purposefully chose to work ft.advice,don’t give up work
Why are you the parent giving up work,no surprise it’s the women giving up not the man
Once they’re at school,then what?what will you actually do?rattle round the house?
Someone will rock up tell you how a house is in itself a FT. Job.it really isn’t
Unless your house is downtown abbey
You’re solvent at the moment,that may change, it changes your whole relationship dynamics. You will go from earning a salary to being financially dependent

My house definitely isn’t a full time job! 😂

Has to me that gives up - dh earns 4x more than me and we couldn’t live on my salary. I don’t have to give up at all, it’s just an option I have now, one that I’ve not been able to consider before, not the offer is on the table and I can’t decide what to do.

Financial independence is important to me, dh and I manage our own bank accounts and pay into a joint account for the house etc. Dh covers most of it already to be fair, bills, holidays etc. This is my biggest issue, not having my own money

Don’t be that woman don’t sleep walk into giving up,work and independence
Guilt?lose that guilt it’s a societal imposition. Never ahead a man who earns a salary say he’s guilty
It’s not just the immediate here and now.its your pension,family savings
You need something for yourself,something other than guilt

Are you in a position where you could take a career break instead?

I worked full time after the birth of my first DC albeit a condensed week. After my second DC I reduced my hours. I did really well at work after the birth of first DC, since I've dropped my hours my working life has suffered, but I have a much closer connection with DC2. The nature of my work doesn't lend itself particularly well to part time employment and I do wonder if it's worth it, but I also wonder if I would have a better relationship with DC1 if I hadn't worked so much. However, even though I have been working part time, looking after DC2 and doing the school run with DC1, I didn't feel completely occupied so set up a community group that would easily fit in with the school day. Voluntary work would definitely quell the boredom and loneliness of being a SAHP.

I don't think stopping work now means that you have to stop forever. There are schemes that target people going back into the workplace. I also know a few people who are taking time off from work whilst their DC's are little to study.

If the finance aspect concerns you (this is the area that I personally struggle with the most) can you personally build up some savings before you finish work?

I was reading an article in the doctors yesterday but didn't get the chance to read it all, the main crux of it was that we're aren't the generation who has it all, we are the generation who do it all. A lot of it rang true with me and I have myself been pondering for a few weeks if I should finish work. So OP, if you manage to figure out the answer to your question, would you mind letting me know.

Don't do it! I gave up wprk after my 2nd child now 18 months and it's the worst decision I've made, I love him to bits but it's constantly me and him and it's extremely lonely and boring! I'm now struggling to find a job and childcare for him so think long and hard before you make your decision.

I've been a SAHP for almost 10 years, since DC2 was born. It's been totally worth it for me, but I also had the baby years at home. When DC2 started nursery I did a degree with the OU. I've started looking for a job that fits in with term time only and it's hard a) as there's not a lot available and b) many applicants for when there is something. It has to be school hours as DH travels a lot.

If I had my time again, I'd still do it but I'd start looking for term time work much earlier. A dinner lady would give you independent means but you'd be around plenty for your children.

I've never been bored as I do lots of volunteer stuff at school and for some of DC's activities. I've also never been lonely as a) I quite like my own company and b) I have friends who either don't work or have flexi time jobs (along with friends who do work).

Being at home isn't for everyone but it's worth giving a go if you have the opportunity. Better to try and find out it's not for you than to always wonder if you should've done it.

Do it, you'll never regret it.
those who say why is it the woman that gives up work, well maybe it's because they don't want to work.
I couldn't think of anything worse when you have dc, tbh.
we're all different.

Don’t get swept along by sentimentality and precious moments chuff
It’s bad enough that You feel guilty.no working dad ever feels guilty having a career
Don’t give up work.

Think what's best for your family and what you want to do. Some people get bored at home and prefer to work and have someone else care for their children. Others like to sah and have plenty of imagination as to what they want to do with their time.
In 30 years I've never been bored, always something to do either house or children or when they are at school hobbies and interests.
Some people live to work, others work to live, we are all different.

It also depends on how your DH is going to view the money. Attitudes can change. Since being on MN I've learnt how vulnerable people can be. Our house is in joint name - I own 50% of it. We have joint and separate savings which DH puts into every month so I have money in my own name. He understands that even though he's earned the money, he can only do his job because of me. Whatever you decide though it is great that you have the knowledge that choice is available and supported.

Thank for all your replies, it’s a hard decision. DH would be fine financially, I already have a credit card to use for family spending that he’s pays off, no questions asked. Saying that, I wouldn’t dream of making a lavish purchase without discussing it first.

He’s no dinosaur type at and pulls his weigh with the kids, housework, washing, ironing, did more than his fair share of nappies....he sees that me not working is to give the kids more time and wouldn’t be an arse about finances. He’s a good man. I’ve been lucky.

I have a good career currently, I earn a good wage, just not a patch on what DH brings home and I already work term time only.

It’s the being there for after school that I miss out on. On a good day I rarely get home before 5, which means no play dates, no clubs/activities, little time for home work and reading, before and after school child care daily and a rushed evening and bedtime every day. Perhaps it’s silly but I feel selfish working when they’re always at school/childcare when it’s not strictly necessary. DH travels a lot with work so I have to be around for the kids. Which I’m happy to do.

I really do appreciate that I’m very fortunate to have this choice at all.

You have v skewed priorities that your career just isn’t as important as his .That it has to be you giving things up
Why no Play dates,?They can attend and be dropped off or you collect later
you’re not required to give up work just to offer play dates.your not a bad parent by working
Is your dp a bad father for not facilitating play dates and rushing about?presumably no?
Anyway Looks You’ve already talked your self into this.can you initially plan it as a career break,in case you don’t like it?change mind?

Would your company take you back if it didn’t work out? As in, could you change your mind in 6 months or a year and go back?

I would work part time and use the money for cleaner and holidays. I’m a stay at home mum but once my children are a bit older would like to be part time. That’s the ideal balance for me providing the job is good and has decent holidays (with negotiating for extra holiday up front in my experience as they often will give it over more money and more useful to you).

I know what you mean about activities, it makes such a difference if there's somebody to get them there. You don't have to stick to activities close to home and can travel if they start something miles away.
I found it much easier getting the kids places, in fact it would have been impossible had I worked during the day.

DH would happily be the one to be at home if I could earn what he does. He has said many times that he’d have no dilemma at all in this decision, he jump at the chance to be at home, and to be fair he’d probably do a better job of being at home that I would!

The decision for me to do it (or not) is purely one of who earns the most keeps working to maintain our lifestyle. Nothing to do with sexism or traditional roles. As I said, he’s no dinosaur in the respect. My career is hugely important to me; I’ve spent 20 years gaining multiple degrees and amassing expertise.

Taking a few years off wouldn’t make it impossible for me to go back, albeit at a lower pay point. The ideal compromise is working part-time, 2-3 days, to get a balance but I’ve been looking for a year and nothing is coming up locally. My ds has heath concerns and working more than 15 ish mins from his school isn’t an option at all in case he needs me.

I wouldn't, personally.

I've just gone back to work after 12 years of being a SAHP so I was chomping at the bit to get out of the house.

That said, if you want to and can afford to, why not do it?

If it's not for you then you can always return to work, but it's worth a try if you want to and are able to.

There are mind numbingly boring days, there are days you want to pull your hair out and there are days which are bloody wonderful and joyful and some just quietly content days.

It is what you make of it I think.

How easy would it be to re-apply for a job after 1 year? Maybe you could do occasional tutoring for a year, or take it completely off. If it is not too hard to apply for a job after a year (ie job market not too competitive) then i’d Be tempted to give it a try to see.

If you carry on like currently, you might look back and regret not taking the time off (maybe there are specific things you’d like to do with the kids - eg explore new hobbies, go to their sports training, go to museums during term time).

But maybe if you weren’t able to get a job after a year, you might regret that (ie the extra money which is always useful for a rainy day or if kids develop more expensive interests when older).

Why can't you do part time? That way you can do some clubs and pick ups if you feel you are missing out on them?

If you can do it, do it. Imagine those glorious school holidays with them, being able to help with homework every day, not panic when they're poorly and need a day at home. You've said your husband can easily support you all and in my opinion that's fine. You won't get bored, you'll always find activities to entertain yourself with.

So op gives up career to get hobbies,activities,things around house Afterschool
Her dp get so to maintain a career uninterrupted. Op hovers up all childcare in holiday day and Afterschool
Yes cause that’s an equitable split

I'd keep looking at options for going part time. Have you asked if it would be possible in your current job? Even a couple of early finishes a week would make a difference. Is there any flexibility in your DHs job so he could finish early once a week to be there for the DC? If you could both do that it would be much fairer and mean that if anything happened to DH, or you split up you haven't given up your independence.

I did it from a director level role. In hindsight I was very stressed and felt that between work and the kids there was absolutely nothing left for me.

All my kids are school age and it is complete bliss to have the day to myself. Regularly get to the gym and have restarted playing another sport.

I'm actually not bored - no "rattling" around the house at all!

I don't think my kids suffered from us both working full time in pressure roles but I certainly did from keeping the show on the road at work and home. But now I am actually able to breathe, exercise and enjoy life.

We spend WAY less money than when I was working, still have a good life but were lucky to be financially secure when I quit.

Not sure whether I'll go back or not to be honest with you.

RomanyQueen1 and I always pop up on these threads as we both have been SAHP for a similar amount of time. I gave up work 14 years ago, having worked FT then PT for 20 years. Do I regret it, no, have I even been bored, no, is our life much calmer, yes, has it impacted on my DD's ability/drive to go out in the world and find themselves, no. Do I ever feel beholden to my DH, no. We are a family unit, we have both brought skills and value to our relationship, we are in a very fortunate position to be able to pick and choose how we live our lives.

I have always been busy in other ways, particularly in the primary school years, volunteering at school regularly, being part of the PTA (yes, I was that parent), but then I could, and was glad to do it. At secondary I am less involved, but still do PTA stuff. I have been to every play, and concert, every dance performance, every parents evening, I have been able to pick up for illness and crises. I love it, I am content (an unfashionable phrase I know), but I am. I can go for a walk in the countryside when I want, I can sit and read a book if I want, I can sneak in a mid-afternoon cinema trip on my own, in an empty cinema, bliss.

As a previous poster said, if you don't try, you don't know whether it will suit you, and it will be what you make it. It isn't for everyone, but can be a great stress reliever on some families. It definitely was in ours.